New partner
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Firstly this forum has been amazing - thank you to every poster here I've learned so much.
I've been seeing this guy for a just over a month now. I thought I was starting to fall for him. He's kind and calm and genuinely seems pretty emotionally mature given the string of loser ex's I have. We're both in our 30s met on the apps and it seemed to be going pretty well.
Last week he told me about his past. 12 years ago convicted for images and voyeurism. Suspended sentence and 10 years of montioring. He says there were No further like arrests or convictions and everything is now done and there's no more legal stuff in his life. It was a lot to take in but we've still been talking and he's explained a few more bits and pieces. He actually referred me here, and told me to do a Sarah law check on him if I wanted. I dont have kids but do want them.
i really want to believe people can change. He's done a lot of work and he still sees a therapist. He has a good job, owns a house and has done a masters since his conviction.
But I guess really my question is can this work? Can I really trust him? Should I tell my sister and my best friend because they have kids? I don't think we'd be alone with those kids but he would meet them at family parties and stuff ... should they get a say?
I do feel he's tried to be honest with me and I kind of respect how well he's handled it and given me space to figure it out but my mind is everywhere in trying to weigh up whether this could ever work?
Its so early in dating him to be trying to make such a huge decision
I've been seeing this guy for a just over a month now. I thought I was starting to fall for him. He's kind and calm and genuinely seems pretty emotionally mature given the string of loser ex's I have. We're both in our 30s met on the apps and it seemed to be going pretty well.
Last week he told me about his past. 12 years ago convicted for images and voyeurism. Suspended sentence and 10 years of montioring. He says there were No further like arrests or convictions and everything is now done and there's no more legal stuff in his life. It was a lot to take in but we've still been talking and he's explained a few more bits and pieces. He actually referred me here, and told me to do a Sarah law check on him if I wanted. I dont have kids but do want them.
i really want to believe people can change. He's done a lot of work and he still sees a therapist. He has a good job, owns a house and has done a masters since his conviction.
But I guess really my question is can this work? Can I really trust him? Should I tell my sister and my best friend because they have kids? I don't think we'd be alone with those kids but he would meet them at family parties and stuff ... should they get a say?
I do feel he's tried to be honest with me and I kind of respect how well he's handled it and given me space to figure it out but my mind is everywhere in trying to weigh up whether this could ever work?
Its so early in dating him to be trying to make such a huge decision
Personally my feelings were leopards don't change their spots, that the offending would never truly go away from our lives and he would tell me what he wanted me to hear. I had a feeling that at some point it would come back and bite me/us - and I didn't want to live my life like that. So I ended my long marriage.
But that is just my opinion. I've since met a lovely bloke and I'm very happy - and have not a single regret over my decision. And my ex husband is back in prison so I was totally justified
Perhaps I am just to judgemental/cynical. I don't know.
Maybe someone more positive will reply to you.
But that is just my opinion. I've since met a lovely bloke and I'm very happy - and have not a single regret over my decision. And my ex husband is back in prison so I was totally justified
Perhaps I am just to judgemental/cynical. I don't know.
Maybe someone more positive will reply to you.
It might be good for you to do the inform course before you make your mind up. Image offences have a really low reoffend rate. If they don't reoffend within 5 years the percentage of them reoffending after is super duper low. The fact theyre still in therapy is good!
Its up to you if you tell family, its quiet scary to tell people my family has been amazing about it all and have been super supportive of both of us. But not everyone does so do bare that in mind and have a think if you yourself would want to know if your friend or sibling got with someone who had a historic sex offence case. Would you want them to tell you? And would you expect it for other server and minor crimes to. Its a mind field.
I do believe people can change. My husband has had a 360 spin in life. He hates himself still. We are still in the stage of living separately but post sentence because i had a baby when he was arrested. Our child is thriving, shes loving all the attention. And honestly shes clueless of it all and I hope she never has to know because by the time shes old enough to know it wont be relevant anymore.
Its up to you if you tell family, its quiet scary to tell people my family has been amazing about it all and have been super supportive of both of us. But not everyone does so do bare that in mind and have a think if you yourself would want to know if your friend or sibling got with someone who had a historic sex offence case. Would you want them to tell you? And would you expect it for other server and minor crimes to. Its a mind field.
I do believe people can change. My husband has had a 360 spin in life. He hates himself still. We are still in the stage of living separately but post sentence because i had a baby when he was arrested. Our child is thriving, shes loving all the attention. And honestly shes clueless of it all and I hope she never has to know because by the time shes old enough to know it wont be relevant anymore.
I'll give you the honest advice I would give an IRL friend. Run far far away. Even if he's changed (and you'll never really know) its not worth it, especially if you want children. SS will absolutely be involved and I wouldn't willingly go into a situation where I had to deal with them. Its very invasive and they are not exactly competent.
For what its worth, my ex is churning through the system (has just pleaded not guilty re IIOC). The investigation also uncovered voyeurism against me, which I've chosen not to press charges on. Its a grim depressing world and I wouldn't advise anyone to take it on by choice.
For what its worth, my ex is churning through the system (has just pleaded not guilty re IIOC). The investigation also uncovered voyeurism against me, which I've chosen not to press charges on. Its a grim depressing world and I wouldn't advise anyone to take it on by choice.
Every case is so different, sounds like he's been up front and honest with you early on though which I think is a good sign and he's suggesting you find out more so doesn't seem to be hiding anything. From what you've said he must have been very young when it happened. We all do things during teenage years that we wouldn't when older, and research shows brain development has a lot to do with that, and it's shown that neuro-development goes on a lot longer than just teenage years particularly for men. There's a lot of research on other factors that might help understand (not justify) why men/ young men might find themselves offending in this way, and as I understand it it's not always because of a sexual tendency towards children. Grooming, neurodivergence and the addictive effects of social media, social isolation and bullying etc. all seem to be factors in men/ young people ending up in very dark and extreme spaces online. I personally think it's a matter of judgement and trust, which can only be built over time. Sounds like you haven't been together long so maybe you don't need to rush to decide, but learn a bit more (the helpline or inform course might help etc.) and see where the relationship goes. There may be other reasons over time why you decide it's not long term or, on the other hand, that it's a strong connection worth pursuing. I can total understand the reservations and I would be the same, but it's complex and I don't believe all offenders should be written off entirely. Hope this is helpful!
I ask myself if a person who has committed these crimes and has worked hard at their rehab, turned their life around, and is determined not to re-offend, should be doomed to be single for the rest of their lives?
Hi, has he spoken much about what happened leading up to his offending? Apart from therapy what other things has he put in place to ensure he's never in the same situation again? You might find that you can't actually do a Sarah's law request as you don't have children. I believe you have to be responsible for a child who is interacting/likely to interact with someone you have concerns about. You could call 101 and see what they say.
I think he has shown a lot of accountability and maturity by informing you before things get too serious. I agree that you doing the inform course would be a good idea before making any decisions around your relationship. How does he feel about you talking to your sister and friend? Legally he doesn't have any restrictions now if I've read your post correctly. This doesn't mean that social services would not be involved if you were to have children with him further down the line. Does he have children? If he does what is their relationship like? Does he have much family support? xxx
I think he has shown a lot of accountability and maturity by informing you before things get too serious. I agree that you doing the inform course would be a good idea before making any decisions around your relationship. How does he feel about you talking to your sister and friend? Legally he doesn't have any restrictions now if I've read your post correctly. This doesn't mean that social services would not be involved if you were to have children with him further down the line. Does he have children? If he does what is their relationship like? Does he have much family support? xxx
Firstly I'd like to say you are both being very informative and mature in your research which shows a good nature overall and the fact he has told you everything early on.
secondly have you even asked if he wants kids in the future? He would be put under the microscope yet again, invasive questioning and monitoring, it may be something he never wants to go through again. I only say this as it would at least let you know if it's a future you want with him.
Thirdly, you would need trust on a extra special level to commit to him and then consider children also. We only say that coming from families that are victims by these choices, our life's completely turned upside down in very traumatising circumstances.
Addictions and depression can lead them down this road so like message above you may need to delve deeper into what him and his therapy has uncovered. I only wish my OH had seeked therapy before we met when therapy could have saved him this trauma. Instead his addictions were completely unknown to me and himself apparently.
secondly have you even asked if he wants kids in the future? He would be put under the microscope yet again, invasive questioning and monitoring, it may be something he never wants to go through again. I only say this as it would at least let you know if it's a future you want with him.
Thirdly, you would need trust on a extra special level to commit to him and then consider children also. We only say that coming from families that are victims by these choices, our life's completely turned upside down in very traumatising circumstances.
Addictions and depression can lead them down this road so like message above you may need to delve deeper into what him and his therapy has uncovered. I only wish my OH had seeked therapy before we met when therapy could have saved him this trauma. Instead his addictions were completely unknown to me and himself apparently.
As for the 'single for life' thing, no one is owed a relationship. Women are well within their rights to give men convicted of sex offences a wide berth. I guess my sympathy is more with people who struggle to form relationships and end up longterm single because of their experiences at the hands of sex offenders. My own ex filmed me at home (bedroom & toilet) over a long period and quite possibly shared the videos online. I don't see myself ever managing to sustain a relationship again after him - there was also plenty of other 'legal' things - and am mostly at peace with lifelong singleness. So its hard to care much about the dating woes of former voyeurs TBH.
