Personally my feelings were leopards don't change their spots, that the offending would never truly go away from our lives and he would tell me what he wanted me to hear. I had a feeling that at some point it would come back and bite me/us - and I didn't want to live my life like that. So I ended my long marriage.

But that is just my opinion. I've since met a lovely bloke and I'm very happy - and have not a single regret over my decision. And my ex husband is back in prison so I was totally justified

Perhaps I am just to judgemental/cynical. I don't know.

Maybe someone more positive will reply to you.

It might be good for you to do the inform course before you make your mind up. Image offences have a really low reoffend rate. If they don't reoffend within 5 years the percentage of them reoffending after is super duper low. The fact theyre still in therapy is good!

Its up to you if you tell family, its quiet scary to tell people my family has been amazing about it all and have been super supportive of both of us. But not everyone does so do bare that in mind and have a think if you yourself would want to know if your friend or sibling got with someone who had a historic sex offence case. Would you want them to tell you? And would you expect it for other server and minor crimes to. Its a mind field.

I do believe people can change. My husband has had a 360 spin in life. He hates himself still. We are still in the stage of living separately but post sentence because i had a baby when he was arrested. Our child is thriving, shes loving all the attention. And honestly shes clueless of it all and I hope she never has to know because by the time shes old enough to know it wont be relevant anymore.

I'll give you the honest advice I would give an IRL friend. Run far far away. Even if he's changed (and you'll never really know) its not worth it, especially if you want children. SS will absolutely be involved and I wouldn't willingly go into a situation where I had to deal with them. Its very invasive and they are not exactly competent.

For what its worth, my ex is churning through the system (has just pleaded not guilty re IIOC). The investigation also uncovered voyeurism against me, which I've chosen not to press charges on. Its a grim depressing world and I wouldn't advise anyone to take it on by choice.

Every case is so different, sounds like he's been up front and honest with you early on though which I think is a good sign and he's suggesting you find out more so doesn't seem to be hiding anything. From what you've said he must have been very young when it happened. We all do things during teenage years that we wouldn't when older, and research shows brain development has a lot to do with that, and it's shown that neuro-development goes on a lot longer than just teenage years particularly for men. There's a lot of research on other factors that might help understand (not justify) why men/ young men might find themselves offending in this way, and as I understand it it's not always because of a sexual tendency towards children. Grooming, neurodivergence and the addictive effects of social media, social isolation and bullying etc. all seem to be factors in men/ young people ending up in very dark and extreme spaces online. I personally think it's a matter of judgement and trust, which can only be built over time. Sounds like you haven't been together long so maybe you don't need to rush to decide, but learn a bit more (the helpline or inform course might help etc.) and see where the relationship goes. There may be other reasons over time why you decide it's not long term or, on the other hand, that it's a strong connection worth pursuing. I can total understand the reservations and I would be the same, but it's complex and I don't believe all offenders should be written off entirely. Hope this is helpful!

I ask myself if a person who has committed these crimes and has worked hard at their rehab, turned their life around, and is determined not to re-offend, should be doomed to be single for the rest of their lives?

Hi, has he spoken much about what happened leading up to his offending? Apart from therapy what other things has he put in place to ensure he's never in the same situation again? You might find that you can't actually do a Sarah's law request as you don't have children. I believe you have to be responsible for a child who is interacting/likely to interact with someone you have concerns about. You could call 101 and see what they say.
I think he has shown a lot of accountability and maturity by informing you before things get too serious. I agree that you doing the inform course would be a good idea before making any decisions around your relationship. How does he feel about you talking to your sister and friend? Legally he doesn't have any restrictions now if I've read your post correctly. This doesn't mean that social services would not be involved if you were to have children with him further down the line. Does he have children? If he does what is their relationship like? Does he have much family support? xxx

Firstly I'd like to say you are both being very informative and mature in your research which shows a good nature overall and the fact he has told you everything early on.



secondly have you even asked if he wants kids in the future? He would be put under the microscope yet again, invasive questioning and monitoring, it may be something he never wants to go through again. I only say this as it would at least let you know if it's a future you want with him.



Thirdly, you would need trust on a extra special level to commit to him and then consider children also. We only say that coming from families that are victims by these choices, our life's completely turned upside down in very traumatising circumstances.

Addictions and depression can lead them down this road so like message above you may need to delve deeper into what him and his therapy has uncovered. I only wish my OH had seeked therapy before we met when therapy could have saved him this trauma. Instead his addictions were completely unknown to me and himself apparently.

Wow - thank you all soooo much for you replies! I've been a bit shocked at how quick and realistic everybody was. So shocked somehow I locked myself out of the original account I created ????



truthfully I felt a bit mad for even considering giving it a chance - I so respect the nuance and understanding that you all brought even with your own experiences.



We did talk about whether he would want kids before he told me everything. At the time he said something like "I'm open to them if I was with someone who was realistic about how hard and complicated it can be having kids" at the time I thought it was a bit of a different reply and now I feel like I know why.



His immediate family is still in his life but lots of his extended family isn't and cut him off. He doesn't have kids. I've seen him interacting with his friends kids in a pub and it all seemed pretty normal and appropriate I know that doesn't tell me much but his friends know and still allow him to be around their kids in public so maybe it does tell me something. He's given me a bit of insight into what was going on for him at the time and has mentioned addiction and isolation and stuff but thank you for suggesting I ask him more about it, as well as how he manages his stuff now.



As for talking to other people, he didn't tell me I couldn't tell others but he said that it's really difficult to predict how people will react to the news and so we could talk about it beforehand and decide who and when and how etc. I didn't really know how to take that at the time but from reading everything here and what you've all said maybe he's got a point. I also really take the point about whether I would expect a friend to tell me about their partners past, or their past if they had a conviction for another crime and it's a really good point because I guess I probably wouldn't. That's not to say I wouldn't want my sister to know and make her mind up with her kids etc but I feel like maybe there's less pressure on the conversation .... maybe



The SS stuff does sound awful and scary and I'm sure has been hell for you all so that does play on my mind a lot ... but I also wouldn't normally go into a relationship deciding whether I want to have kids with someone after only knowing them for a month so it's something I want to really think about

im going to take all of your recommendations and look at the course. It still feels a bit mad to say this but a large part of me feels like maybe it's worth taking it slow and seeing how it goes - like someone said maybe it won't work out for other reasons, but if he's done the work he says and has support then maybe it's worth a little bit longer to see where it goes.



Once again thanks so much for taking the time to reply it has really meant a lot!

As for the 'single for life' thing, no one is owed a relationship. Women are well within their rights to give men convicted of sex offences a wide berth. I guess my sympathy is more with people who struggle to form relationships and end up longterm single because of their experiences at the hands of sex offenders. My own ex filmed me at home (bedroom & toilet) over a long period and quite possibly shared the videos online. I don't see myself ever managing to sustain a relationship again after him - there was also plenty of other 'legal' things - and am mostly at peace with lifelong singleness. So its hard to care much about the dating woes of former voyeurs TBH.

Honestly I don't think this forum is the right place to ask the question. There are a lot of people here who's negative experiences have scarred them, and will tell you there's no way you should even consider it. There are also very vulnerable people who are in denial, who will go the absolute opposite way.

Me? I'm quite balanced. Do I think my husband is a c*nt? Absolutely. Is what he's done awful? Categorically. But is he beyond redemption? No he isn't. Doing a bad thing does not automatically mean a bad person, though of course in some cases, they are a bad person.Their honesty and actions afterwards are what counts. I would also recommend the inform course as a few others have, but honestly this is a very personal decision, that other people's opinions should have no sway over.

Only you can truly decided if you'd be able to trust him, though the fact he's been so honest from the outset I would see as a good sign. In terms of future children, you would almost certainly have social services involvement, and for me that's something I could never choose. You'd have to weigh up if he'd be worth that.

Take time, talk to your family/friends, educate yourself on what future impact it could have, don't feel pressured and make a decision that's right for you. Good luck x

I truly feel for you, it is a very difficult and somewhat lonely position to be in.

After my husband's arrest etc we separated for 2 years. After so much work, apparent change, fresh start and renewal of vows I took him back.

He then did it again.

I am not naive, I researched everything I could and applied what I'd learnt about addiction to the situation. I weighed everything up, really thought long and hard, and made an extremely informed choice.

And still, he did it again.

Do the Inform course. Arm yourself with all the facts. Then decide if you are prepared to take the risk. And it is a risk.

This doesn't really help at all... Only you can make the decision. It's a horrendous emotional place to be and I'm sending you strength and clarity to make the decision.

I feel sorry for this man in his 30's he committed the offence 12 years ago so may have been a teen at the time, is he never to have a relationship or a happy life.

I think it a different situation when such offences are committed by a youngster to a grown adult who should understand the full consequences and the awful impact on the dear children involved.

He has been totally honest about what he has done which must have been a really hard and frightening thing for him to do.

I would advise take it slowly talk to his family who are aware of what happened and get their insight to his crime.

You could meet someone who has done the same but never told you he has been upfront and honest at least.

I would say no

Most women who go through this spend a good many years thinking they know their OH's. Only for them to do something like this.

If they re-offend & there is always that risk. You do not want to go through the absolute hell, that is court/media intrusion & SS if you have children

If you got pregnant, SS and midwifery services would be involved etc & it is horrendous.

I would walk away.

You don't know this man well enough to know wether he is genuine and has worked on himself or wether he has just been able to move on with his life, without actually combating the reason for his offending.

Some, not all, but some are very very skilled at manipulating the truth and their intentions. And are also tech savvy enough to get around the police checks with their devices.

It's not worth the risk. Cut your losses.

Hopefully someone else can be a bit more positive,

Just giving a different view of social services, we had no problems really with social services, possibly a bit easier because I am a social worker myself

We had a toddler at the point of arrest and husband had to move out but had as much supervised contact as he wanted and I could supervise everything. So he was there every day from 6am to 10pm, obviously working too, so he'd come round at 6 and sort breakfast etc then go to work, then come home and sort tea and help with bedtime.

Case closed 5 months after conviction with no restrictions on living with and contact with our child

About a year or so after conviction we got pregnant again and the midwife did a referral and they didn't even do an assessment, just a phone call and told to carry on loving our lives

It's a bit of a postcode lottery, some local authorities are more risk averse than others, but I know others who have had positive experiences and been able to continue a normal family life

Also as his conviction is so historic you don't have to live with eg SOR or SHPO restrictions

His friends allowing him round their children says a lot, I wonder if he'd let you chat to one of them

I would be very cautious about telling your family and friends, especially at this stage

I would say no.



I don't want my views or experience to upset anyone here so if you wanted to reach out via message for input, please do x

As to whether this forum is a good place, absolutely everyone on here is 'scarred'. And I'm not convinced some people are magically more 'balanced' than others either. Its entirely normal to have a powerful emotional reaction - I say this as someone who is very analytical a lot of the time and can be quite 'Mr Spock' about things. Its entirely rational to be extremely wary of someone with a sex offence conviction, or to be furious at the devastation they leave in their wake.

I think the question I would ask myself in your position is - can I continue this relationship without looking over my shoulder all the time? The crimes your person was convicted for are grave, of course, but the voyeurism element would really worry me. Although your person hasn't been convicted of anything since doesn't mean he isn't doing things he shouldn't. I'd be very worried about intimacy with this person with the potential for it being photographed or recorded without my knowledge. But like someone said in this thread, you're likely to find people here who have been through a great deal with this stuff and I've had my fingers burned twice....