I feel so alone.
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I'm now 17 months post "Knock" and still struggling every day.
My husband of 32 years has been arrested and bailed for downloading and making (saving to cloud not creating) IIOC. In some ways I'm lucky. It happened right before our child turned 18 so he was allowed home and they have subsequently gone to university. Due to a number of things my family was informed by the police and because I've chosen to stay with him I now have no contact with them and only very minimal contact with 2 other family members. I have chosen to cut contact with my friends after the family members threatened to tell "everyone". Because of this it has only been the 2 of us in over a year.
I love him more than anything and since his arrest he has done every therapy and rehab programme he could find. It has all stemmed for him from childhood abuse that I was unaware of until this happened. He has also since been diagnosed with ADHD, Autism and BPD. He has told me everything, I knew he was drinking alot and always has but it turns out he was a functioning alcoholic and has an online porn addiction and with his mental health things spiralled but he kept everything he was struggling with hidden from me. Im not making any excuses for him but I can see how he ended up where he did and I feel so guilty that I was unaware and he got to that point without me noticing.
He is 17 months sober now and T Total.
Thr hardest part is that he still hasn't been charged because they have no even started forensics and his bail has just been extended again so we are looking at this going in to next year at the very least.
Just to top it all off he is being made redundant in the next couple of months (his work are unaware) so has to job hunt with all of this going on.
We have excellent legal advice and supprt but im struggling dealing with all this on my own.
Really im trying to find some reassurance that it is possible to come through all of this.
I'm in therapy myself but this is through his work so will stop when he finishes his job.
I'm terrified that the worst will happen and he will get sent down and how I will cope. There us also the implications of my job, I need an Enhanced DBS for my job and although I know this won't show on my checks my concern is what will happen if my work find out? How do I hide it if he's sent to prison? Neither of us have ever had any contact with the police or justice system previously.
My husband of 32 years has been arrested and bailed for downloading and making (saving to cloud not creating) IIOC. In some ways I'm lucky. It happened right before our child turned 18 so he was allowed home and they have subsequently gone to university. Due to a number of things my family was informed by the police and because I've chosen to stay with him I now have no contact with them and only very minimal contact with 2 other family members. I have chosen to cut contact with my friends after the family members threatened to tell "everyone". Because of this it has only been the 2 of us in over a year.
I love him more than anything and since his arrest he has done every therapy and rehab programme he could find. It has all stemmed for him from childhood abuse that I was unaware of until this happened. He has also since been diagnosed with ADHD, Autism and BPD. He has told me everything, I knew he was drinking alot and always has but it turns out he was a functioning alcoholic and has an online porn addiction and with his mental health things spiralled but he kept everything he was struggling with hidden from me. Im not making any excuses for him but I can see how he ended up where he did and I feel so guilty that I was unaware and he got to that point without me noticing.
He is 17 months sober now and T Total.
Thr hardest part is that he still hasn't been charged because they have no even started forensics and his bail has just been extended again so we are looking at this going in to next year at the very least.
Just to top it all off he is being made redundant in the next couple of months (his work are unaware) so has to job hunt with all of this going on.
We have excellent legal advice and supprt but im struggling dealing with all this on my own.
Really im trying to find some reassurance that it is possible to come through all of this.
I'm in therapy myself but this is through his work so will stop when he finishes his job.
I'm terrified that the worst will happen and he will get sent down and how I will cope. There us also the implications of my job, I need an Enhanced DBS for my job and although I know this won't show on my checks my concern is what will happen if my work find out? How do I hide it if he's sent to prison? Neither of us have ever had any contact with the police or justice system previously.
There are a lot of similarities between us. I was married for the same length of time - my kids were older - one had left home and the other wasn't far behind him. For that I will be forever grateful. The porn addiction and alcohol consumption sound the same. Luckily the process was relatively quick - less than a year. But I decided to end my marriage just before he was sentenced. Varying reasons - my kids didn't want anything to do with their dad so I couldn't imagine life going forward being punished for staying with him plus I thought the offending would never truly go away. It was the right decision as he is currently serving his second prison sentence so I have zero regrets.
I felt like I was being punished for someone else's selfish decisions and actions - and I deserved and wanted better.
In some ways I believe it is harder to stay than walk away - so I wish you all the luck in the world x
I felt like I was being punished for someone else's selfish decisions and actions - and I deserved and wanted better.
In some ways I believe it is harder to stay than walk away - so I wish you all the luck in the world x
Dear I feel so alone,
First of all you are NOT alone, I've been quietly on this forum seeking strength, guidance and hope without posting for 14 months and there are many many others who do post and I imagine loads who like me just read and absorb. I so wish there was some way I could send you the biggest hug.
Anyway, your post hit hard and I couldn't not reply. We had the knock 14 months ago and my world fell apart, 4 months later I had a life changing operation and it fell apart a bit more.
My OH was (and still is my world), he has had a porn addiction which I wasn't aware of but in an ironic way these last 14months have been the catalyst for change. He's admitted all the betrayal and secrecy and has done and is continuing to do therapy and courses and we talk and talk.
Just over a week ago we got the call that nothing had been found so he could pick up devices and that was it. I expected him to be elated (don't get me wrong he was so pleased) but he just picked the devices up and we're slowly adjusting to our new way of living but without the huge worry hanging over us.
i guess what im saying is that we all have to do what is right for us at the time and respect each other's choices, but, for me, staying with my OH was the right decision. You are NOT alone and there is always hope.
First of all you are NOT alone, I've been quietly on this forum seeking strength, guidance and hope without posting for 14 months and there are many many others who do post and I imagine loads who like me just read and absorb. I so wish there was some way I could send you the biggest hug.
Anyway, your post hit hard and I couldn't not reply. We had the knock 14 months ago and my world fell apart, 4 months later I had a life changing operation and it fell apart a bit more.
My OH was (and still is my world), he has had a porn addiction which I wasn't aware of but in an ironic way these last 14months have been the catalyst for change. He's admitted all the betrayal and secrecy and has done and is continuing to do therapy and courses and we talk and talk.
Just over a week ago we got the call that nothing had been found so he could pick up devices and that was it. I expected him to be elated (don't get me wrong he was so pleased) but he just picked the devices up and we're slowly adjusting to our new way of living but without the huge worry hanging over us.
i guess what im saying is that we all have to do what is right for us at the time and respect each other's choices, but, for me, staying with my OH was the right decision. You are NOT alone and there is always hope.
Dear Which way now,
Our stories have many similarities. I'm out the other side and, four months post sentencing, our lives are ok. Please know that there is light at the end of this tunnel.
I'd be very happy to chat if you want to PM me. Sending you strength and a hug.
Our stories have many similarities. I'm out the other side and, four months post sentencing, our lives are ok. Please know that there is light at the end of this tunnel.
I'd be very happy to chat if you want to PM me. Sending you strength and a hug.
Hey there, it is so hard what youve been through. Your family shouldn't have threatened to tell your friends. That is something you should choose to do or not to do not them! Its not their place (only two of our friends know, he just doesnt see his friends who have kids at events we know kids will be at. He will only go to the pub where its garanteed they wont be).
We are post sentence. My husband got 2 years suspended, 5 year SHPO and 10 years on the register. He did pocession and distribution. Distribution comes with a harsher sentence. He has no restrictions with under 18s. His restrictions are all online base, aka he cant delete his browser history. We had a baby when the knock happened so ive been living apart since the knock in December 2024. Its been a slow path back but we are getting there now.
My husband lost his job because he was arrested at work. They got rid of him quietly (paid him off) which was handy as I wasnt earning at the time due to maternity pay going to zero. He found a job really quickly. He just found a job that doesnt require a DBS. He is soo much happier.
If youve not done it, do the inform course, its so helpful
Here if you ever need to unload
We are post sentence. My husband got 2 years suspended, 5 year SHPO and 10 years on the register. He did pocession and distribution. Distribution comes with a harsher sentence. He has no restrictions with under 18s. His restrictions are all online base, aka he cant delete his browser history. We had a baby when the knock happened so ive been living apart since the knock in December 2024. Its been a slow path back but we are getting there now.
My husband lost his job because he was arrested at work. They got rid of him quietly (paid him off) which was handy as I wasnt earning at the time due to maternity pay going to zero. He found a job really quickly. He just found a job that doesnt require a DBS. He is soo much happier.
If youve not done it, do the inform course, its so helpful
Here if you ever need to unload
