How to get through no contact phase
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Hi, I'm only 8 weeks in but have 4 children all between ages of 12 to 6.
thats 8 weeks of no dad, no part of their routine, no calls etcetc. I've barely had contact with him (emails only to discuss financials and some matters). He refuses to call me, too heavy in his shame spiral. We were together for over 15years.
Bail conditions mean he can't contact them which I respect but it's so hard. I'm the one left explaining it all to 4 different age groups (2 have SEN) and constantly having to answer questions when's daddy coming home. I told him to get conditions changed at bail and seek some form of phone contact at least for everyone's well being. Whether he does or not is down to him.
I've discussed separation with the older two as that is my only choice for them now. No idea how to approach for the younger ones.
im just looking for a sounding board and some solidarity in this club I never wished I knew about but am glad it exists. Feeling very lonely in this new world and new future I now have to build.
thats 8 weeks of no dad, no part of their routine, no calls etcetc. I've barely had contact with him (emails only to discuss financials and some matters). He refuses to call me, too heavy in his shame spiral. We were together for over 15years.
Bail conditions mean he can't contact them which I respect but it's so hard. I'm the one left explaining it all to 4 different age groups (2 have SEN) and constantly having to answer questions when's daddy coming home. I told him to get conditions changed at bail and seek some form of phone contact at least for everyone's well being. Whether he does or not is down to him.
I've discussed separation with the older two as that is my only choice for them now. No idea how to approach for the younger ones.
im just looking for a sounding board and some solidarity in this club I never wished I knew about but am glad it exists. Feeling very lonely in this new world and new future I now have to build.
You should be able to request supervised contact change for the bail. But if he isnt communicating with you very well he may still choose to not have contact with his kids until he can truelly face what he has done.
For your kids the way my friend explained it to her kids when she split due to DV. She said sometimes mummies and daddies stop loving each other and it better they go apart. It doesnt mean we dont love you. Youve done nothing wrong. Some families have a mummy and a daddy, some families have two daddies or two mummy's, some family only have a mummy or a daddy and they get two homes. It took a few years for them to stop asking why they wouldn't get back together (they still sae their dad despite what he did to her). But they got it after a while. They were 5,2 and 1 when the split happened.
For your kids the way my friend explained it to her kids when she split due to DV. She said sometimes mummies and daddies stop loving each other and it better they go apart. It doesnt mean we dont love you. Youve done nothing wrong. Some families have a mummy and a daddy, some families have two daddies or two mummy's, some family only have a mummy or a daddy and they get two homes. It took a few years for them to stop asking why they wouldn't get back together (they still sae their dad despite what he did to her). But they got it after a while. They were 5,2 and 1 when the split happened.
I honestly think he's putting in all the work and therapy and courses to make himself a better person but don't think he truely registered the dire consequences of what he's done and how it affects contact with the family. Like if he goes on a register then he'll only get certain access etc. the future he was expecting from 'working on himself' is obviously not realistic. Not for long time anyway. I had to point this out about the register and how that'll affect the family as a whole and why I have to choose separation. Don't think it went down well.
that's good what your friend was saying as I've been dropping that kinda of thing into conversations and talking about different families like there are at school etc and how it's perfectly normal for some people and will eventually be our new normal.
Think half term has kicked my b'tt! I miss being part of a team and feel like my parenting style is no longer valid and I have to work on that too. Exhausted is not a strong enough word
that's good what your friend was saying as I've been dropping that kinda of thing into conversations and talking about different families like there are at school etc and how it's perfectly normal for some people and will eventually be our new normal.
Think half term has kicked my b'tt! I miss being part of a team and feel like my parenting style is no longer valid and I have to work on that too. Exhausted is not a strong enough word
Depending what they are sentenced with will depend what life will be like which doesnt help. We are post sentence and life is pretty normal now. He can after nearly 6 months post sentence have supervised overnight stays aka I have to be in the room with our child if he is there. But its a step forward. The only restrictions we have had so far is he has had to inform the police when SS gave the go-ahead for night stays and the address of that which they then check is correct (because people do lie).
He will struggle to get a visa because he is on the register for many countries and many places I would have gone as a family we cant go now like centre Parks and you cant fly with Tui. But other then that normal as his restrictions are online only
I still cry most weeks because although I chose to stay and chose to take that burden. I just wish he had trusted me to help before he offended. Im probably the most open book person he knows. Someone who doesnt blink when someone I loves needs help. I will probably hate him for a while longer for that one
He will struggle to get a visa because he is on the register for many countries and many places I would have gone as a family we cant go now like centre Parks and you cant fly with Tui. But other then that normal as his restrictions are online only
I still cry most weeks because although I chose to stay and chose to take that burden. I just wish he had trusted me to help before he offended. Im probably the most open book person he knows. Someone who doesnt blink when someone I loves needs help. I will probably hate him for a while longer for that one
Thanks Sunshine&Rainbows - so there is light at the end of the tunnel. We are having a nightmare with SS, they are seeking a supervisory order but all weve ever done is comply with everything. And dont get me started on the profusion of lies theyve spouted...not supposed to be a rant... glad your making progress.
Thanks Sunshine&Rainbows - so there is light at the end of the tunnel. We are having a nightmare with SS, they are seeking a supervisory order but all weve ever done is comply with everything. And dont get me started on the profusion of lies theyve spouted...not supposed to be a rant... glad your making progress.
I'm 19 months since the knock and he has had no contact with our daughter at all. She asks about him every day. She was 3 at time of arrest and is 5 now.
Social services were rubbish at giving me advice with what to say but I rang the Lucy Faithful helpline and they helped me come up with a story.
She now knows that her daddy did something very naughty and that's why she can't see him. It's all to keep her safe. She still asks all the time but ultimately I've read the messages he sent and I don't want him near her so I support the bail. She has a picture of him and we made a social story that she reads sometimes.
It's hard but you've got this!
Social services were rubbish at giving me advice with what to say but I rang the Lucy Faithful helpline and they helped me come up with a story.
She now knows that her daddy did something very naughty and that's why she can't see him. It's all to keep her safe. She still asks all the time but ultimately I've read the messages he sent and I don't want him near her so I support the bail. She has a picture of him and we made a social story that she reads sometimes.
It's hard but you've got this!
This is so hard , I'm feeling the same, I'm only 2 weeks since the knock and even though bail conditions allow supervised contact SS have said no contact for now in their safety plan. Is this normal so early on , has anyone experienced the same and contact been allowed further down the line, my son is so upset and asking to see his father, so safe supervised contact would really help right now. Any experience shared would be great, especially timescales, the silence and wait is horrendous and I'm only 2 weeks in.
I'm now 6 months post arrest.
Bail conditions were changed to supervised video calls/calls. That was almost worse then no contact, as I'm obviously the only one that can supervise my end. And hearing him for first time after 3months was hard. But I set boundaries and asked that we only contact for the kids only - he tried to approach us in a way he still had hope for a relationship but the boundaries have helped.
another 3 months later I have kept them to routine weekly calls and the odd emergency/child upset want to talk to him which is going ok. They survived the holidays pretty well considering we stayed home and was just me all 6 weeks. Now back to school they've been asking questions again and missing him. It's like one step forward two steps back.
I am determined to make this the new normal safe and content happy children. It's down to him to make the relationship work in whatever context he's now allowed. He's obviously still not ready to do that but it's his choice and his relationships he'll damage in long run.
I no longer will take responsibility for someone else's actions just my own and how I move forward from this.
Bail conditions were changed to supervised video calls/calls. That was almost worse then no contact, as I'm obviously the only one that can supervise my end. And hearing him for first time after 3months was hard. But I set boundaries and asked that we only contact for the kids only - he tried to approach us in a way he still had hope for a relationship but the boundaries have helped.
another 3 months later I have kept them to routine weekly calls and the odd emergency/child upset want to talk to him which is going ok. They survived the holidays pretty well considering we stayed home and was just me all 6 weeks. Now back to school they've been asking questions again and missing him. It's like one step forward two steps back.
I am determined to make this the new normal safe and content happy children. It's down to him to make the relationship work in whatever context he's now allowed. He's obviously still not ready to do that but it's his choice and his relationships he'll damage in long run.
I no longer will take responsibility for someone else's actions just my own and how I move forward from this.
