How to get through no contact phase
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Hi, I'm only 8 weeks in but have 4 children all between ages of 12 to 6.
thats 8 weeks of no dad, no part of their routine, no calls etcetc. I've barely had contact with him (emails only to discuss financials and some matters). He refuses to call me, too heavy in his shame spiral. We were together for over 15years.
Bail conditions mean he can't contact them which I respect but it's so hard. I'm the one left explaining it all to 4 different age groups (2 have SEN) and constantly having to answer questions when's daddy coming home. I told him to get conditions changed at bail and seek some form of phone contact at least for everyone's well being. Whether he does or not is down to him.
I've discussed separation with the older two as that is my only choice for them now. No idea how to approach for the younger ones.
im just looking for a sounding board and some solidarity in this club I never wished I knew about but am glad it exists. Feeling very lonely in this new world and new future I now have to build.
thats 8 weeks of no dad, no part of their routine, no calls etcetc. I've barely had contact with him (emails only to discuss financials and some matters). He refuses to call me, too heavy in his shame spiral. We were together for over 15years.
Bail conditions mean he can't contact them which I respect but it's so hard. I'm the one left explaining it all to 4 different age groups (2 have SEN) and constantly having to answer questions when's daddy coming home. I told him to get conditions changed at bail and seek some form of phone contact at least for everyone's well being. Whether he does or not is down to him.
I've discussed separation with the older two as that is my only choice for them now. No idea how to approach for the younger ones.
im just looking for a sounding board and some solidarity in this club I never wished I knew about but am glad it exists. Feeling very lonely in this new world and new future I now have to build.
You should be able to request supervised contact change for the bail. But if he isnt communicating with you very well he may still choose to not have contact with his kids until he can truelly face what he has done.
For your kids the way my friend explained it to her kids when she split due to DV. She said sometimes mummies and daddies stop loving each other and it better they go apart. It doesnt mean we dont love you. Youve done nothing wrong. Some families have a mummy and a daddy, some families have two daddies or two mummy's, some family only have a mummy or a daddy and they get two homes. It took a few years for them to stop asking why they wouldn't get back together (they still sae their dad despite what he did to her). But they got it after a while. They were 5,2 and 1 when the split happened.
For your kids the way my friend explained it to her kids when she split due to DV. She said sometimes mummies and daddies stop loving each other and it better they go apart. It doesnt mean we dont love you. Youve done nothing wrong. Some families have a mummy and a daddy, some families have two daddies or two mummy's, some family only have a mummy or a daddy and they get two homes. It took a few years for them to stop asking why they wouldn't get back together (they still sae their dad despite what he did to her). But they got it after a while. They were 5,2 and 1 when the split happened.
I honestly think he's putting in all the work and therapy and courses to make himself a better person but don't think he truely registered the dire consequences of what he's done and how it affects contact with the family. Like if he goes on a register then he'll only get certain access etc. the future he was expecting from 'working on himself' is obviously not realistic. Not for long time anyway. I had to point this out about the register and how that'll affect the family as a whole and why I have to choose separation. Don't think it went down well.
that's good what your friend was saying as I've been dropping that kinda of thing into conversations and talking about different families like there are at school etc and how it's perfectly normal for some people and will eventually be our new normal.
Think half term has kicked my b'tt! I miss being part of a team and feel like my parenting style is no longer valid and I have to work on that too. Exhausted is not a strong enough word
that's good what your friend was saying as I've been dropping that kinda of thing into conversations and talking about different families like there are at school etc and how it's perfectly normal for some people and will eventually be our new normal.
Think half term has kicked my b'tt! I miss being part of a team and feel like my parenting style is no longer valid and I have to work on that too. Exhausted is not a strong enough word
Depending what they are sentenced with will depend what life will be like which doesnt help. We are post sentence and life is pretty normal now. He can after nearly 6 months post sentence have supervised overnight stays aka I have to be in the room with our child if he is there. But its a step forward. The only restrictions we have had so far is he has had to inform the police when SS gave the go-ahead for night stays and the address of that which they then check is correct (because people do lie).
He will struggle to get a visa because he is on the register for many countries and many places I would have gone as a family we cant go now like centre Parks and you cant fly with Tui. But other then that normal as his restrictions are online only
I still cry most weeks because although I chose to stay and chose to take that burden. I just wish he had trusted me to help before he offended. Im probably the most open book person he knows. Someone who doesnt blink when someone I loves needs help. I will probably hate him for a while longer for that one
He will struggle to get a visa because he is on the register for many countries and many places I would have gone as a family we cant go now like centre Parks and you cant fly with Tui. But other then that normal as his restrictions are online only
I still cry most weeks because although I chose to stay and chose to take that burden. I just wish he had trusted me to help before he offended. Im probably the most open book person he knows. Someone who doesnt blink when someone I loves needs help. I will probably hate him for a while longer for that one
Thanks Sunshine&Rainbows - so there is light at the end of the tunnel. We are having a nightmare with SS, they are seeking a supervisory order but all weve ever done is comply with everything. And dont get me started on the profusion of lies theyve spouted...not supposed to be a rant... glad your making progress.
Thanks Sunshine&Rainbows - so there is light at the end of the tunnel. We are having a nightmare with SS, they are seeking a supervisory order but all weve ever done is comply with everything. And dont get me started on the profusion of lies theyve spouted...not supposed to be a rant... glad your making progress.
