Now he wants an open marriage - rant
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I'm 2+ years post-knock, 11 months post conviction (2 years suspended for 18 months) and we're still separated but focusing (at least I am) on being good parents to our beautiful daughters. I've been a fool and increasingly tried to give affection to smooth things over, eg cuddles, sitting on lap, short kiss on the lips. I'm horrified by the idea of any intimacy but he'd made so much of a big deal about wanting physical touch, and I want the girls to have a happy dad. At my own expense apparently.
I'm exhausted. My youngest has autism and cannot cope unless I'm right there with her pretty much all the time including at night.
My husband is also autistic and wow, the similarities between my 11 year old daughter's 'but I want fruit now, I'm not waiting' and his 'but it's been 2 years since I had sex and it's too long so I'm going to start having hookups and I want a contract so I know what's allowed'.
Of course I don't even get a moment to process any of this, as he flits in and out of our family life as the mood takes him (clubbing, meeting women for coffee, going to the gym, Buddhism) while I just carry on spinning the plates and managing the girls' every emotional need. So today I've had zero time to myself after this latest wound inflicted on me and I've just been in tears in front of the girls almost all day.
He said 'I'm so lucky I married you you're so lovely and kind and understanding'. And I thought yes, he's lucky he got a doormat with low self esteem who hates conflict.
He's having his cake and eating it. Cosseted at home as the girls are so happy to see him when he takes time off from selfish $$$$ery. Free to pursue his adventures and surround himself with feel good things. has an echo chamber of fellow addicts all giving each other selfish advice about how to 'express healthy sexuality'.
i have the square root of naff all for myself.
I need to harness my anger and sort myself out. Put up some big walls.
Being affectionate and kind just made me look stupid and wasn't enough to keep him happy.
I'm exhausted. My youngest has autism and cannot cope unless I'm right there with her pretty much all the time including at night.
My husband is also autistic and wow, the similarities between my 11 year old daughter's 'but I want fruit now, I'm not waiting' and his 'but it's been 2 years since I had sex and it's too long so I'm going to start having hookups and I want a contract so I know what's allowed'.
Of course I don't even get a moment to process any of this, as he flits in and out of our family life as the mood takes him (clubbing, meeting women for coffee, going to the gym, Buddhism) while I just carry on spinning the plates and managing the girls' every emotional need. So today I've had zero time to myself after this latest wound inflicted on me and I've just been in tears in front of the girls almost all day.
He said 'I'm so lucky I married you you're so lovely and kind and understanding'. And I thought yes, he's lucky he got a doormat with low self esteem who hates conflict.
He's having his cake and eating it. Cosseted at home as the girls are so happy to see him when he takes time off from selfish $$$$ery. Free to pursue his adventures and surround himself with feel good things. has an echo chamber of fellow addicts all giving each other selfish advice about how to 'express healthy sexuality'.
i have the square root of naff all for myself.
I need to harness my anger and sort myself out. Put up some big walls.
Being affectionate and kind just made me look stupid and wasn't enough to keep him happy.
Sweetheart please GET RID. There is absolutely no way you should be putting up with this. If you're happy him seeing and spending time with your children, they can still do that and have time with their Dad without you needing to be miserable being treated like this. Your husband should be worshipping the ground you walk on after putting you through 2 years of hell, plus however long he was lying to you and betraying you beforehand.
Autism is not an excuse for this behaviour, so no you do not need to harness your anger, be angry!! Let him have it!! It is not you that needs sorting out! The only walls you need to put up are ones that keep him away from treating you like this.
It's time to put yourself first, and I promise you it's okay to do that. It isn't your job to keep him happy. Time to keep yourself happy. Your kids need a happy and healthy Mum.
Autism is not an excuse for this behaviour, so no you do not need to harness your anger, be angry!! Let him have it!! It is not you that needs sorting out! The only walls you need to put up are ones that keep him away from treating you like this.
It's time to put yourself first, and I promise you it's okay to do that. It isn't your job to keep him happy. Time to keep yourself happy. Your kids need a happy and healthy Mum.
I can see you want to protect your girls - what mother wouldn't. But they deserve a mum who doesn't feel the way you are feeling now. My boys were older but maybe both you and your girls are stronger than you think and could manage as a smaller unit.
I think you need and deserve something much better so I took would say you need to end the relationship. He isn't going to stop his selfish behaviour. Don't let him hurt you further
I think you need and deserve something much better so I took would say you need to end the relationship. He isn't going to stop his selfish behaviour. Don't let him hurt you further
You're both right I know you are. Today I woke up still crying and realised I can't focus on anything and am slipping back into dysfunctional thinking because I'm not dealing with the big horrible elephant in the room.
So I've taken today as a sick day and spent some time listening to meditations and mantras on letting go. Then I wrote (and rewrote and thought about, and sent) a long email to him setting out how things have made me feel. Not in an accusatory tone, just that this can't carry on.
I've cried nonstop today, but it's a release. I'm actually facing and dealing with this. I have just managed some dry crackers and an apple for lunch, and will try and meditate some more before kids come home from school.
So I've taken today as a sick day and spent some time listening to meditations and mantras on letting go. Then I wrote (and rewrote and thought about, and sent) a long email to him setting out how things have made me feel. Not in an accusatory tone, just that this can't carry on.
I've cried nonstop today, but it's a release. I'm actually facing and dealing with this. I have just managed some dry crackers and an apple for lunch, and will try and meditate some more before kids come home from school.
Yes, you need to decide what boundaries to put in place, for you, and practice applying them.
The 'doormat with low self esteem who hates conflict' can be supported, in therapy, to change those unhelpful behaviours.
And things will improve, and your whole world will lighten.
The 'doormat with low self esteem who hates conflict' can be supported, in therapy, to change those unhelpful behaviours.
And things will improve, and your whole world will lighten.
You do not need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I know we've all put up with a lot for the sake of peace and a more normal family life for the kids. And it is hard to let go and just detach yourself from someone who has been a big part of your life but you need to look after yourself as well.
But (and I don't mean to be harsh). What are you teaching your girls about relationships? What advice would you give them if they were in your position?
It's hard, it really is but what benefit are you getting; you're pouring yourself into a one sided relationship; how much more emotionally and mentally can you manage, and should you have to?
please take care of yourself. Girls first, then you, and I'm sorry but he should be absolute bottom of the priorities until he really works on himself to become the best he can. This does not sound like the actions of someone trying to better themselves.
I know we've all put up with a lot for the sake of peace and a more normal family life for the kids. And it is hard to let go and just detach yourself from someone who has been a big part of your life but you need to look after yourself as well.
But (and I don't mean to be harsh). What are you teaching your girls about relationships? What advice would you give them if they were in your position?
It's hard, it really is but what benefit are you getting; you're pouring yourself into a one sided relationship; how much more emotionally and mentally can you manage, and should you have to?
please take care of yourself. Girls first, then you, and I'm sorry but he should be absolute bottom of the priorities until he really works on himself to become the best he can. This does not sound like the actions of someone trying to better themselves.
I urge you and every other woman who finds herself here because of a partner's behaviour to look up Chump Lady. Once someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Things will get better x
Honestly end the relationship. Ending the relationship doesnt mean the contact with your children stops as that sounds like it could harm them further. But you need a partner who loves, cares and respects you.
He does not respect you, he likes that he has someone there but go and eat two slices of cake too. And thats not fair on you
He does not respect you, he likes that he has someone there but go and eat two slices of cake too. And thats not fair on you
Today he's punishing me for remaining firm on the 'no unsupervised contact' rule. He'll apparently never feel like a real father because of that. It's all my fault of course. He's treating me with such coldness and rudeness, and he's completely unable to take accountability for his own behaviour.
He says he isn't going to stay quiet about things he's unhappy about, as that led to his offending in the first place. I have told him to call an SAA fellow and that I'm not absorbing or shouldering his consequences.
He says he isn't going to stay quiet about things he's unhappy about, as that led to his offending in the first place. I have told him to call an SAA fellow and that I'm not absorbing or shouldering his consequences.
He sounds dreadful, not going to sugarcoat it. I'm sorry. I would limit contact with him as much as you conceivably can in the circumstances, establish extremely clear boundaries etc. If he wanted to feel like a proper father maybe he shouldn't have accessed images of kids being abused?
TBH given his character, at what point do you consider contact to be in the children's best interests? Is he going to turn his selfishness & manipulativeness on them at some point? That's the question I would ask, and I say that as someone who just spent a whole weekend supervising my ex with my own children. He just sounds so awful from everything you've posted.
TBH given his character, at what point do you consider contact to be in the children's best interests? Is he going to turn his selfishness & manipulativeness on them at some point? That's the question I would ask, and I say that as someone who just spent a whole weekend supervising my ex with my own children. He just sounds so awful from everything you've posted.
Honestly it's outrageous. He was done for sexual communications - attempted as the final 13 year old girl was actually a police officer - and our girls are 11 and 13. I feel sick to my stomach at him today. 2 years on it's no less awful.
I'm literally keeping things going for my daughters who love seeing him and beg me not to divorce him. We're separated (they know that) and every time I see him it's pushed me further away from wanting anything to do with him.
I'm now facing my second Monday on the trot feeling absolutely emotionally battered from seeing him at the weekend.
I wish I could put my needs first and tell the girls it's too much contact.
I'm now facing my second Monday on the trot feeling absolutely emotionally battered from seeing him at the weekend.
I wish I could put my needs first and tell the girls it's too much contact.
I find the push for unsupervised contact a huge, and I mean huge red flag. I'm assuming this goes against SHPO or similar? I'd be reporting this to whomever needs to know.
