I'm 2+ years post-knock, 11 months post conviction (2 years suspended for 18 months) and we're still separated but focusing (at least I am) on being good parents to our beautiful daughters. I've been a fool and increasingly tried to give affection to smooth things over, eg cuddles, sitting on lap, short kiss on the lips. I'm horrified by the idea of any intimacy but he'd made so much of a big deal about wanting physical touch, and I want the girls to have a happy dad. At my own expense apparently.

I'm exhausted. My youngest has autism and cannot cope unless I'm right there with her pretty much all the time including at night.

My husband is also autistic and wow, the similarities between my 11 year old daughter's 'but I want fruit now, I'm not waiting' and his 'but it's been 2 years since I had sex and it's too long so I'm going to start having hookups and I want a contract so I know what's allowed'.
Of course I don't even get a moment to process any of this, as he flits in and out of our family life as the mood takes him (clubbing, meeting women for coffee, going to the gym, Buddhism) while I just carry on spinning the plates and managing the girls' every emotional need. So today I've had zero time to myself after this latest wound inflicted on me and I've just been in tears in front of the girls almost all day.

He said 'I'm so lucky I married you you're so lovely and kind and understanding'. And I thought yes, he's lucky he got a doormat with low self esteem who hates conflict.

He's having his cake and eating it. Cosseted at home as the girls are so happy to see him when he takes time off from selfish $$$$ery. Free to pursue his adventures and surround himself with feel good things. has an echo chamber of fellow addicts all giving each other selfish advice about how to 'express healthy sexuality'.

i have the square root of naff all for myself.



I need to harness my anger and sort myself out. Put up some big walls.

Being affectionate and kind just made me look stupid and wasn't enough to keep him happy.