I’m new to this, please help me
Notifications OFF
2 days ago my boyfriend of 7 years was arrested for posting/downloading indecent images of minors. I only found out about this from a knock at the door from the police.
Im absolutely devastated and still in shock. He had told me several months ago that he had an addiction to pornography but I never thought it would ever have gone this far.
I decided yesterday that we were now over as I couldn't see a future for us now and I'm now leaving our home until he has removed his things. I can't be here with it all as it's just too hard to look at.
Although I have my family and friends around me, I still feel so alone. I see all this stuff online about how to deal with a breakup but this isn't just a normal situation. I didn't leave him because I didn't love him anymore or because we wanted different things. I love him more than I can describe. He was my entire world, my best friend. I'd planned on marrying him, starting a family and it was all taken away within a matter of a few hours.
He's on bail till September but then I don't know what happens. He's been seeking help already and we are still in contact. I don't think I could cope going no contact - this is hard enough. I've told him I'll support him through this as I know he needs me but he does also understand that if I can't continue, then I'll walk away.
But how do I even begin to deal with this? It's been so traumatic for me and I think I will end up with PTSD from this. I have a past with mental health and I can't believe he'd do this to me.
How can I move forward without crying all the time and learn to move on?
Im so glad a forum like this is available because at least I know, I'm not the only one.
Im absolutely devastated and still in shock. He had told me several months ago that he had an addiction to pornography but I never thought it would ever have gone this far.
I decided yesterday that we were now over as I couldn't see a future for us now and I'm now leaving our home until he has removed his things. I can't be here with it all as it's just too hard to look at.
Although I have my family and friends around me, I still feel so alone. I see all this stuff online about how to deal with a breakup but this isn't just a normal situation. I didn't leave him because I didn't love him anymore or because we wanted different things. I love him more than I can describe. He was my entire world, my best friend. I'd planned on marrying him, starting a family and it was all taken away within a matter of a few hours.
He's on bail till September but then I don't know what happens. He's been seeking help already and we are still in contact. I don't think I could cope going no contact - this is hard enough. I've told him I'll support him through this as I know he needs me but he does also understand that if I can't continue, then I'll walk away.
But how do I even begin to deal with this? It's been so traumatic for me and I think I will end up with PTSD from this. I have a past with mental health and I can't believe he'd do this to me.
How can I move forward without crying all the time and learn to move on?
Im so glad a forum like this is available because at least I know, I'm not the only one.
There are thousands like us. It will get better over time I promise you.
Thank you. It just doesn't feel like it right now. I know time is a healer but I wish so so much that I could wake up and it be over.
'My' case was my husband of over fifteen years. All I can say is that time IS a healer. There will come a day when you don't think about this all the time. And then there will come days when you don't think about it much, or eventually at all. I know thats very hard to believe now. I do think its so much like grief. You are grieving the person you thought he was. My honest advice would be to begin thinking about whether contact is the best thing for you longterm. I have children with my ex, but otherwise I do think I would take the very painful decision to go NC. And it would be extremely painful.
Oh Cas
im so sorry you're here. The early days are so tough. You'll not know how to get through but you can and you will. It will take time to get your head around what has happened. Possibly even longer to know what to do or how you feel. Many of us had no idea.....because the offenders purposefully keep it secret and they're the people we trusted and loved most. It is another level of breakup.
People assume that he's cheated. If asked I tell them either he's been sexting and sharing nudes with people he's been meeting online...when it's my friends. Which is technically true....I just miss out the extra details. When it's his friends I say there are other factors I'm not ready to talk about; and that I'm not going to bad mouth my child's father in front of his friends. This usually stops any further probing questions.
I often think I would have preferred he'd done anything other than this. The knock and finding out was the worst moment of my life; not even in my wildest nightmares could I have imagined this. But I have survived the unthinkable and what I thought was impossible to recover from.....I am slowly trying to heal.
You got this; you can and will pick yourself up and come out the other side.
im so sorry you're here. The early days are so tough. You'll not know how to get through but you can and you will. It will take time to get your head around what has happened. Possibly even longer to know what to do or how you feel. Many of us had no idea.....because the offenders purposefully keep it secret and they're the people we trusted and loved most. It is another level of breakup.
People assume that he's cheated. If asked I tell them either he's been sexting and sharing nudes with people he's been meeting online...when it's my friends. Which is technically true....I just miss out the extra details. When it's his friends I say there are other factors I'm not ready to talk about; and that I'm not going to bad mouth my child's father in front of his friends. This usually stops any further probing questions.
I often think I would have preferred he'd done anything other than this. The knock and finding out was the worst moment of my life; not even in my wildest nightmares could I have imagined this. But I have survived the unthinkable and what I thought was impossible to recover from.....I am slowly trying to heal.
You got this; you can and will pick yourself up and come out the other side.
So sorry you find yourself here.
As already mentioned it would be easier if they had had an affair etc - as you can talk about that to others. But with this you keep it to yourself and that is mental torment
You will have so many feelings right now - and non of them make sense. I eventually had sk e counselling and she said inwas grieving the life I thought I was going to have - and she was right. I was mid 50s kids flown the nest looking forward to retirement and what we were going to do. And in an instant everything is taken away
Took me 12 months to decide to leave - and i would suggest you make no quick decisions
I never expected to be at my age single and facing homelessness. But next week is 4 years since the knock and I am happier than I have been in many years. I'm in my own place, making my own decisions, I don't have his offending over my head and keeping secrets and have met a lovely new man.
And my ex husband? He went to prison. Then breached the terms of his sort/shpo and is back inside
It's a long journey and you are stronger than you think. Everyone on here is so supportive - you are not alone x
As already mentioned it would be easier if they had had an affair etc - as you can talk about that to others. But with this you keep it to yourself and that is mental torment
You will have so many feelings right now - and non of them make sense. I eventually had sk e counselling and she said inwas grieving the life I thought I was going to have - and she was right. I was mid 50s kids flown the nest looking forward to retirement and what we were going to do. And in an instant everything is taken away
Took me 12 months to decide to leave - and i would suggest you make no quick decisions
I never expected to be at my age single and facing homelessness. But next week is 4 years since the knock and I am happier than I have been in many years. I'm in my own place, making my own decisions, I don't have his offending over my head and keeping secrets and have met a lovely new man.
And my ex husband? He went to prison. Then breached the terms of his sort/shpo and is back inside
It's a long journey and you are stronger than you think. Everyone on here is so supportive - you are not alone x
Thank you everyone for your kind words.
I've started seeking professional help to get through this.
I know it's going to take it's time, but I know I can do this!
I've started seeking professional help to get through this.
I know it's going to take it's time, but I know I can do this!
It takes time but it does get easier and easier with each passing day. Its been a year and a half since the knock for me and I do still cry some days but my life's still not normal but thats because we have a child.
My husband like yours was due to addiction and i did choose to stay. The inform course is well worth going for yourself. You learn a lot from it and might help you help him as a friend
My husband like yours was due to addiction and i did choose to stay. The inform course is well worth going for yourself. You learn a lot from it and might help you help him as a friend
Thankfully we don't have children as I know that would make this all much worse.
Im now starting to feel angry at him. Sadly, I did suffer from abuse as a child, and he knew this which makes this feel even worse for me.
But I feel just so conflicted with how I feel about him - one minute I want to let him come home and try to move on together and the next I never want to see him again. It's all so confusing.
7 years is a long time to be with someone and now things are going through my head about the whole relationship and I'm wondering how much of it was a lie. He's told me the addiction started before we even met. So now I'm left wondering what else he kept from me.
Im a very empathetic person and I'm finding I'm carrying a lot of guilt. I know he's struggling and is in a dark place so I want to be there to support him but it's costing me. Plus I don't want to hurt him further by walking away from him.
Hes told me he's started speaking with professionals and is on antidepressants but he's living with his parents who aren't being very supportive because they are so disgusted with him. And because I love him, I still want to be there if he has no one else.
I know I have to give it time, but I just want it all to be over. I didn't deserve this.
Im now starting to feel angry at him. Sadly, I did suffer from abuse as a child, and he knew this which makes this feel even worse for me.
But I feel just so conflicted with how I feel about him - one minute I want to let him come home and try to move on together and the next I never want to see him again. It's all so confusing.
7 years is a long time to be with someone and now things are going through my head about the whole relationship and I'm wondering how much of it was a lie. He's told me the addiction started before we even met. So now I'm left wondering what else he kept from me.
Im a very empathetic person and I'm finding I'm carrying a lot of guilt. I know he's struggling and is in a dark place so I want to be there to support him but it's costing me. Plus I don't want to hurt him further by walking away from him.
Hes told me he's started speaking with professionals and is on antidepressants but he's living with his parents who aren't being very supportive because they are so disgusted with him. And because I love him, I still want to be there if he has no one else.
I know I have to give it time, but I just want it all to be over. I didn't deserve this.
Hi,
I'm in a very similar situation to yours. 4 years together until we got the knock and they took away his PC and phone for investigation. Still awaiting word from courts.
It's been 8 months now and I made the tough decision to leave the relationship 2 months ago as the burden was eating me up. I still love him and like others have said, it really would have been easier if it were an affair or something similar so I could just cut ties with him. But it's not. He also said it was due to an addiction that he had before our relationship. He is working on it and has shown great improvement already.
I know people usually recommend no contact but I have chosen to keep contact at a distance. At the end of the day he is still my best friend so I've been supporting him as one. And it actually has been helping me as he has been my only friend for all these years. Emotions fluctuate. Some days I miss him -the old him before I found out. Other days I'm so angry at him for keeping such a secret hidden from me for so long. It's a roller coaster. But I have found that the pain is getting easier to bear with time. You are not alone in this.
I'm in a very similar situation to yours. 4 years together until we got the knock and they took away his PC and phone for investigation. Still awaiting word from courts.
It's been 8 months now and I made the tough decision to leave the relationship 2 months ago as the burden was eating me up. I still love him and like others have said, it really would have been easier if it were an affair or something similar so I could just cut ties with him. But it's not. He also said it was due to an addiction that he had before our relationship. He is working on it and has shown great improvement already.
I know people usually recommend no contact but I have chosen to keep contact at a distance. At the end of the day he is still my best friend so I've been supporting him as one. And it actually has been helping me as he has been my only friend for all these years. Emotions fluctuate. Some days I miss him -the old him before I found out. Other days I'm so angry at him for keeping such a secret hidden from me for so long. It's a roller coaster. But I have found that the pain is getting easier to bear with time. You are not alone in this.
It is a heavy burden to hold. The main reason I stayed was my husband was honest (we are post sentence so I know he has never lied). If he is open and honest. Truely honest he may be worth forgiving, but not everyone is willing to forgive and that is 100% valid if you choose that path. So hopefully he is being honest with you
Studies do show that those with a support network are less likely to offend again. So the fact you are willing to support him whether youre together or not is really good for him long term. But if its too much you can step/walk away. Youre not obligated to support just because you love him and I say that as someone who has chosen to stay and supported my husband through it all.
We are now at a point i think he has stopped hating himself. And I know he will never go there again because he will truely loose everything. His friends, his family, me and his home (he has been told this). He is lucky that a lot of people know and support him, so he knows what he will loose. I do hope that fot your guy he is able to make changes to his life that will mean he never offends again. What ever is the cause of why he offended. Sexual interest, child abuse or porn addiction he needs to deal with what ever is tbe starting force of it all.
Studies do show that those with a support network are less likely to offend again. So the fact you are willing to support him whether youre together or not is really good for him long term. But if its too much you can step/walk away. Youre not obligated to support just because you love him and I say that as someone who has chosen to stay and supported my husband through it all.
We are now at a point i think he has stopped hating himself. And I know he will never go there again because he will truely loose everything. His friends, his family, me and his home (he has been told this). He is lucky that a lot of people know and support him, so he knows what he will loose. I do hope that fot your guy he is able to make changes to his life that will mean he never offends again. What ever is the cause of why he offended. Sexual interest, child abuse or porn addiction he needs to deal with what ever is tbe starting force of it all.
I'm so sorry Cas. Your situation sounds very similar to my own. Like you, I don't have children and the knock on the door was the first time I learnt about what he had been doing (indecent images).
It's been three months since my now ex-partner was arrested. We had been together 5 years and he was my everything. My best friend, the man I thought I would marry, the man I had planned a future with.
It's so incredibly hard, but people keep saying to me that time will make it easier. I have started to see that three months in. Just little moments where I can see some hope that things will be okay for me again and I will be stronger.
feel free to DM x
It's been three months since my now ex-partner was arrested. We had been together 5 years and he was my everything. My best friend, the man I thought I would marry, the man I had planned a future with.
It's so incredibly hard, but people keep saying to me that time will make it easier. I have started to see that three months in. Just little moments where I can see some hope that things will be okay for me again and I will be stronger.
feel free to DM x
Hello, I'm in pretty much the exact same boat. 6 years together, he had told me about the porn addiction, but I thought it had been fixed as he told me he wasn't doing it anymore. I am so so so lost.
Im 2 weeks in as the brother of an offender, I am struggling. He had kids which is honestly making this living hell even more hell. I am angry in disbelief and in grief. I just cannot choose to support my brother. He knew what he was doing wrong and it didnt stop him. Not that the fact that he had these feelings but the fact when he knew he had crossed a line he did not seek help and thats where my unforgiveness lies. In these 2 weeks the grenades just keep on dropping. Im also so angry that his actions are our whole families consquences. I did not choose this life.
