WHY??
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My 24 year old son was arrested 2 days ago for sharing a video. I am in total shock and feel like my heart has been ripped out. He is the kindest, most caring young man and this has totally destroyed my world. I can't stop saying, "why"??
When he returned from the police station, he broke down and told myself and his Step-Dad that he has been groomed and sexually assaulted through an online forum which culminated with him being raped, when was at uni in London!
I feel like I am grieving for the son I thought I had and am now living with a stranger. I am so angry with the people who abused him and totally devastated that he shared a video (he says it was only one). This was one year ago, he realised what he had done, felt remorse and deleted it but the police found it on Monday.
He has a part time job in a kitchen and the police have spoken to his employers but I'm not sure how much they were told. He has a meeting with them tomorrow to discuss his future and we have no idea what he should say.
If anyone could reassure me that it gets easier and suggest how he approaches this meeting, I would be so grateful.
Thank you
When he returned from the police station, he broke down and told myself and his Step-Dad that he has been groomed and sexually assaulted through an online forum which culminated with him being raped, when was at uni in London!
I feel like I am grieving for the son I thought I had and am now living with a stranger. I am so angry with the people who abused him and totally devastated that he shared a video (he says it was only one). This was one year ago, he realised what he had done, felt remorse and deleted it but the police found it on Monday.
He has a part time job in a kitchen and the police have spoken to his employers but I'm not sure how much they were told. He has a meeting with them tomorrow to discuss his future and we have no idea what he should say.
If anyone could reassure me that it gets easier and suggest how he approaches this meeting, I would be so grateful.
Thank you
Oh how my heart truly goes out to you. Those early days, weeks and even months can feel unbearable, the shock, the fear, the constant dread of what might come next. It’s a kind of trauma that most people will thankfully never have to understand. I want to reassure you that although it doesn’t feel like it now, it does get easier. You won’t always feel this overwhelmed or this frightened, even if it takes time for the ground to steady beneath you again.
Your son's poor judgement does not define who he is. One terrible decision doesn’t erase the years of kindness, care and goodness you know to be true about him. It’s possible to hate what he’s done and still love him unconditionally, that’s what being a parent is, especially in the hardest moments.
From my experience, the police tend to share only the essential information at the start of an investigation. In these early stages, they can only work with what they have: the video they’ve found and whatever your son said during his arrest. They won’t yet have the full picture, so their actions will be based on safeguarding and the limited details available to them.
If your son’s job involves contact with under?18s, the police may have felt they needed to inform his employer so that appropriate supervision could be put in place. That’s just one possibility, there could be other reasons entirely, but without knowing the specifics, its only a guess.
What may help now is encouraging your son to answer any questions from his employer calmly and factually, and to work with them if there’s any chance of finding a safe way forward. Honesty and cooperation often make these conversations easier, even when they’re incredibly painful.
If he hasn’t already, I’d also suggest he reaches out to the LFF helpline. Having someone to guide him through the emotional and practical side of this can make a huge difference.
This is going to be a tough journey, for him and for you. But you don’t have to walk it alone. There is help out there, and there are people who understand exactly what you’re facing. It's going to be a case of one step at a time you will find your way through.
Your son's poor judgement does not define who he is. One terrible decision doesn’t erase the years of kindness, care and goodness you know to be true about him. It’s possible to hate what he’s done and still love him unconditionally, that’s what being a parent is, especially in the hardest moments.
From my experience, the police tend to share only the essential information at the start of an investigation. In these early stages, they can only work with what they have: the video they’ve found and whatever your son said during his arrest. They won’t yet have the full picture, so their actions will be based on safeguarding and the limited details available to them.
If your son’s job involves contact with under?18s, the police may have felt they needed to inform his employer so that appropriate supervision could be put in place. That’s just one possibility, there could be other reasons entirely, but without knowing the specifics, its only a guess.
What may help now is encouraging your son to answer any questions from his employer calmly and factually, and to work with them if there’s any chance of finding a safe way forward. Honesty and cooperation often make these conversations easier, even when they’re incredibly painful.
If he hasn’t already, I’d also suggest he reaches out to the LFF helpline. Having someone to guide him through the emotional and practical side of this can make a huge difference.
This is going to be a tough journey, for him and for you. But you don’t have to walk it alone. There is help out there, and there are people who understand exactly what you’re facing. It's going to be a case of one step at a time you will find your way through.
Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate it. His meeting with work went well but his employers felt they could not take the reputstionsl risk, which I totally understand.
Today, we have a new dilemma: whether he tells his friends :-(
Today, we have a new dilemma: whether he tells his friends :-(
Glad work were kind. I hope they give him a good pay-off.
I would suggest he gives very careful thought to who he tells. No rush to disclose. The more people who know the more possibility for backlash either through gossip or losing friends.
I would suggest he gives very careful thought to who he tells. No rush to disclose. The more people who know the more possibility for backlash either through gossip or losing friends.
Unfortunately one of the reasons someone offends is because theyre a victim of sexual abuse themselves. Im so sorry you son was raped and the court will take it into consideration when charging.
All is not lost though. If he can find a job quickly that doesnt require a DBS he can tick no on criminal conviction because until your sentenced its not a conviction while your under investigation. Most cases dont go in the press. Unless he has been working with children or vulnerable adults he is likely to go in unnoticed by anyone. Get a job, keep your head down and wait because it could be a while. My husband was arrested at work. Instsntly suspended and then let go. He found a job a month after being let go and is doing well there. We are post sentence and nothing got out.
When it comes to telling friends, he will need to think long and hard whether or not theyd be supportive or not. People dont always understand. We havent told many friends but most of the family know and they know why my husband offended. But I know many have not been as lucky as us and have lost friends and family.
All is not lost though. If he can find a job quickly that doesnt require a DBS he can tick no on criminal conviction because until your sentenced its not a conviction while your under investigation. Most cases dont go in the press. Unless he has been working with children or vulnerable adults he is likely to go in unnoticed by anyone. Get a job, keep your head down and wait because it could be a while. My husband was arrested at work. Instsntly suspended and then let go. He found a job a month after being let go and is doing well there. We are post sentence and nothing got out.
When it comes to telling friends, he will need to think long and hard whether or not theyd be supportive or not. People dont always understand. We havent told many friends but most of the family know and they know why my husband offended. But I know many have not been as lucky as us and have lost friends and family.
