Living in Hell
Notifications OFF
Apologies its a long one and honestly I could have made it so much longer.
12 Days since the call. That changed and destroyed my life. It was the police on the phone to say that my brother had been arrested for online sexual inappropriate behaviour against children and they wanted me to provide bail. The meltdowns, the screaming, the crying and the disbelief is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I initially said no. Then I said yes as we as family had a lot of questions and needed many answers. While he was at my house I moved to a friend’s house. The next few days are a blur of Atomic Bombs that kept on coming. Every time I thought it couldn’t get much worse than this. It absolutely did. As a result, I told him that he could no longer stay in my house. He is now gone and I no longer have a brother. My brother was what we thought a “normal” hard working man. Great Husband, Great Father Great Son and a great brother. How could things be so far from the truth. He has admitted to everything; this has been going on for years. one small, tiny blessing at least our family will not have to go through the trauma of a trial. I honestly feel like I am living in some parallel universe. Like Hells version of the Truman show. I am in such disbelief and grief. I say the words of what I am typing now but still don’t believe this is real life. I don’t know if I ever will. I feel in a fire pit of hell, and no one is sending me the ladder down to climb out. I am so so so angry! I am so angry that he didn’t get help the minute he crossed the line. I’m so angry that me and my family have been thrust into this life that we didn’t ask for. They say do the crime do the time. It feels like he did the crime, but we are paying the time. As a result of his actions, we are paying the consequences. I honestly could write pages and pages of consequences that we are dealing with as a fall out from this. I’m so scared for the future, so scared for the rest of my family. Scared that people will think we have protected him and lied, which we have for the sake of his children and for that reason and that reason only. U think that when it is not your family that you would outcast them without a second thought. But even though that’s what I am doing the guilt of that is eating me up alive and I will have to see him again for the sake of his children. I firmly believe that he does not deserve to see them, but they deserve to see him. I am numb, vacant and have turned into a complete shell of myself in 12 days. I am off work with stress. I have an amazing support network and beyond blessed to have the friends I do. My heart is completely broken for my mum. She said she just feels “dead”. I feel the weight of the world, and I just don’t know what to do. Noone understands. People think this will never land on your doorstep. But I can tell you now it can land on anybody's
12 Days since the call. That changed and destroyed my life. It was the police on the phone to say that my brother had been arrested for online sexual inappropriate behaviour against children and they wanted me to provide bail. The meltdowns, the screaming, the crying and the disbelief is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. I initially said no. Then I said yes as we as family had a lot of questions and needed many answers. While he was at my house I moved to a friend’s house. The next few days are a blur of Atomic Bombs that kept on coming. Every time I thought it couldn’t get much worse than this. It absolutely did. As a result, I told him that he could no longer stay in my house. He is now gone and I no longer have a brother. My brother was what we thought a “normal” hard working man. Great Husband, Great Father Great Son and a great brother. How could things be so far from the truth. He has admitted to everything; this has been going on for years. one small, tiny blessing at least our family will not have to go through the trauma of a trial. I honestly feel like I am living in some parallel universe. Like Hells version of the Truman show. I am in such disbelief and grief. I say the words of what I am typing now but still don’t believe this is real life. I don’t know if I ever will. I feel in a fire pit of hell, and no one is sending me the ladder down to climb out. I am so so so angry! I am so angry that he didn’t get help the minute he crossed the line. I’m so angry that me and my family have been thrust into this life that we didn’t ask for. They say do the crime do the time. It feels like he did the crime, but we are paying the time. As a result of his actions, we are paying the consequences. I honestly could write pages and pages of consequences that we are dealing with as a fall out from this. I’m so scared for the future, so scared for the rest of my family. Scared that people will think we have protected him and lied, which we have for the sake of his children and for that reason and that reason only. U think that when it is not your family that you would outcast them without a second thought. But even though that’s what I am doing the guilt of that is eating me up alive and I will have to see him again for the sake of his children. I firmly believe that he does not deserve to see them, but they deserve to see him. I am numb, vacant and have turned into a complete shell of myself in 12 days. I am off work with stress. I have an amazing support network and beyond blessed to have the friends I do. My heart is completely broken for my mum. She said she just feels “dead”. I feel the weight of the world, and I just don’t know what to do. Noone understands. People think this will never land on your doorstep. But I can tell you now it can land on anybody's
Also sharing this 'living hell' but as a mother of an adult arrested 2 days ago. I have to try to stop myself thinking of the ripple effect of what this will mean to him, his family, me...of how it will affect his life, work. I want to rewind the world and stop him from what he did to cause this...to have been there and implored him to get help before his fateful actions. I have not spoken to anyone else in our family (his wishes and I guess mine too at the moment) although I know that will all change when he's charged and sentenced.
I'm sickened and unable to understand his actions...but fear the consequences will break our family apart and be too hard for him to bear..... a mum living in hell.
I'm sickened and unable to understand his actions...but fear the consequences will break our family apart and be too hard for him to bear..... a mum living in hell.
Many Thanks PAM for interacting with my post. Please feel free to message me at any time. Or any one for that matter. Feeling like noone understands is one of the most difficult parts.
Sorry your here , it is hell im out the other side with my family member kind loving caring young boy life ruined. Our lives ruined 3 years later and I am.still suffering only recently started counselling again im just trying to figure out what I actually feel this site was great for me in the early days but I always find myself looking here , not for answers anymore and I sometimes tell myself to stop because im trying to.recover from it all but i cant bring myself to just now its a good stop for.support and to vent I find comfort in that sometimes I hope its a place you feel safe to reach out and get some support x
Loula
Every word rang so true. I dont want to be seen as protecting my ex; but unfortunately we have a child together who would be absolutely devastated if their dad was not in their life. Equally if I don't keep this secret it will make my child's life a nightmare. The association, the stigma, the bullying. I'm stuck protecting them from the fallout of what their dad has done and it's not their fault or mine.
Every word rang so true. I dont want to be seen as protecting my ex; but unfortunately we have a child together who would be absolutely devastated if their dad was not in their life. Equally if I don't keep this secret it will make my child's life a nightmare. The association, the stigma, the bullying. I'm stuck protecting them from the fallout of what their dad has done and it's not their fault or mine.
