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Hi everyone. I’ve just created this account because I am drowning in anger and carrying a secret that is starting to break me.
In December 2021, my life was split into "before" and "after." My stepson (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my stepson had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.
After they left, my stepson claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.
Fast forward to recently: my stepson and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.
The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.
I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.
I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.
In December 2021, my life was split into "before" and "after." My stepson (who was 18 at the time, now 23) viewed and shared an indecent image of a minor. My husband and I knew absolutely nothing about it until the police turned up at our door at dawn with a search warrant. They knew exactly what they were looking for—they seemed keen to see Apple devices, which only my stepson had, and they ignored our Android devices. They took him into a room alone, and because he was an adult, they legally couldn't tell us what he said.
After they left, my stepson claimed it was "just an app," "just one picture," and that he "didn't know she was underage." The police ultimately took No Further Action (NFA). To protect him and keep the peace, we agreed to sweep it under the rug, pretend it never happened, and never speak of it again.
Fast forward to recently: my stepson and his partner had a baby. My husband and I stepped up as kinship carers and raised our grandson for his entire first year. Since then, the relationship has broken down, and they are now slowly and cruelly cutting us out of our grandson’s life.
The pain of being discarded after giving a year of our lives to that baby has made me incredibly angry. I started looking into how the police and search warrants actually work, and it seems it's unlikely it was "one-off accident" story he gave us was a lie to protect his own skin. The police apparently don't get warrants for single accidental click; they trace specific digital footprints and active sharing. The police knew it was his iPhone before they even knocked on our door.
I feel so betrayed. I compromised my own morals and peace of mind for five years to protect him based on a watered-down lie, and now he is weaponising our grandson against us.
I am just so full of rage. I don't want to carry his toxic secret anymore, but worry about the fallout it would cause.
I am so sorry youre going through all of this, you dont deserve to have a grandchild restricted from you after providing support.
I would take a breath, have a cup of tea and think about your grandchild. Because speaking out now will affect them. This is their dad who has an NFA. Legally he isnt a criminal and telling people what he has done will affect your grandchild. They dont deserve to be in the cross fire because their dads a bundle of not very nice words. It could also backfire and he may never, ever let you see them again because your bringing up accusations from 5 years ago.
Is it fair? No. Does it suck. Yes!
I would take a breath, have a cup of tea and think about your grandchild. Because speaking out now will affect them. This is their dad who has an NFA. Legally he isnt a criminal and telling people what he has done will affect your grandchild. They dont deserve to be in the cross fire because their dads a bundle of not very nice words. It could also backfire and he may never, ever let you see them again because your bringing up accusations from 5 years ago.
Is it fair? No. Does it suck. Yes!
I'm presuming from the kinship carer reference that SS were / are involved. I know this is difficult to think about, but I would be concerned that a man who has looked at images of child abuse at least once is now the parent of a young child, and is cutting that child off from people who know the child well. It feels suss, at my kids would say. Does the child's mother know about the NFA? Because she is very much entitled to know. It would worry me a lot if she didn't. Are other family members being cut out as well?
Also 2021 isn't exactly a long time ago - doing the maths I think the baby must only have been conceived a few years after the images incident. It just all feels off. Sorry!
Also 2021 isn't exactly a long time ago - doing the maths I think the baby must only have been conceived a few years after the images incident. It just all feels off. Sorry!
Sad&Scared she absolutely does not have a right to know. An NFA doesn't mean they have 'gotten away with it'. It means in the eyes of the law they are not a criminal.
I agree that it's a bad situation but using the arrest as a weapon against them is absolutely wrong.
I agree that it's a bad situation but using the arrest as a weapon against them is absolutely wrong.
I would most definitely want to know in her position. NFA hasn't been tested in court, so isn't guilty or not guilty, and may be due to not thinking there's a realistic chance of a successful prosecution. I imagine sometimes it is people getting off, whatever the crime. Not always, obviously.
Dear Forum Users,
Thank you to everyone who has replied and shared your thoughts. It's clear that there are some strong feelings about both the very difficult family situation described and the meaning of a No Further Action (NFA) outcome.
It may be helpful to remember that an NFA can be reached for a number of reasons. It does not necessarily mean that an individual has been found innocent, but equally it should not be taken as proof that an offence has occurred. For example, police and prosecutors may decide not to proceed because there is insufficient evidence to meet the threshold for a charge, because there is not a realistic prospect of conviction, or because a prosecution is not considered to be in the public interest.
Outcomes such as these can leave people with unanswered questions and different interpretations of what happened. Living with uncertainty can be difficult, particularly when a situation continues to affect family relationships years later. As forum members, we don't have access to the information that was available to the professionals involved, and we are unlikely to know the full circumstances of someone else's case.
A number of responses have also raised questions about what information other family members may be aware of, including whether the child's mother knows about, or has a right to know about, the historical investigation. It's understandable that people may have different feelings and perspectives on this. For some, thoughts about transparency and safety may feel particularly important, while others may feel concerned about the implications of sharing information relating to an investigation that did not result in further action.
These are often complex issues, and people's views can be shaped by their own experiences, values and circumstances. At the same time, we don't know what conversations may already have taken place within the family, what information has been shared over the years, or what support and professional involvement there may have been behind the scenes. Holding that uncertainty can be difficult, but it can also help us avoid making assumptions about the people involved.
To the original poster, Jessie1921, it sounds as though the greatest source of pain at the moment is the breakdown in your relationship with your stepson and the loss of contact with your grandson after providing such significant care. Alongside that, it seems that unanswered questions from 2021 have resurfaced and become intertwined with the hurt, anger and sense of betrayal you are experiencing now.
Those feelings are understandable, and this forum can be a space to talk about them. When relationships become strained, it can be natural to revisit past events and search for answers, particularly when there are parts of the story that still feel unresolved. Carrying uncertainty for such a long time can be exhausting, and the emotions you're describing suggest just how heavily this situation has weighed on you.
At the same time, it may be helpful to focus on what support you need for yourself and how you would like to move forward. Sometimes, when we are faced with uncertainty, our minds naturally search for answers in the hope of easing the pain. While some questions may remain unanswered, you deserve support with the impact this situation has had on you and the difficult emotions you are experiencing now.
Thank you to everyone who has contributed. While there may be different views on some aspects of the situation, I hope we can continue to keep the focus on supporting the original poster with the very real feelings of anger, hurt, uncertainty and loss that they have described, and on exploring what might help them move forward.
Thank you to everyone who has replied and shared your thoughts. It's clear that there are some strong feelings about both the very difficult family situation described and the meaning of a No Further Action (NFA) outcome.
It may be helpful to remember that an NFA can be reached for a number of reasons. It does not necessarily mean that an individual has been found innocent, but equally it should not be taken as proof that an offence has occurred. For example, police and prosecutors may decide not to proceed because there is insufficient evidence to meet the threshold for a charge, because there is not a realistic prospect of conviction, or because a prosecution is not considered to be in the public interest.
Outcomes such as these can leave people with unanswered questions and different interpretations of what happened. Living with uncertainty can be difficult, particularly when a situation continues to affect family relationships years later. As forum members, we don't have access to the information that was available to the professionals involved, and we are unlikely to know the full circumstances of someone else's case.
A number of responses have also raised questions about what information other family members may be aware of, including whether the child's mother knows about, or has a right to know about, the historical investigation. It's understandable that people may have different feelings and perspectives on this. For some, thoughts about transparency and safety may feel particularly important, while others may feel concerned about the implications of sharing information relating to an investigation that did not result in further action.
These are often complex issues, and people's views can be shaped by their own experiences, values and circumstances. At the same time, we don't know what conversations may already have taken place within the family, what information has been shared over the years, or what support and professional involvement there may have been behind the scenes. Holding that uncertainty can be difficult, but it can also help us avoid making assumptions about the people involved.
To the original poster, Jessie1921, it sounds as though the greatest source of pain at the moment is the breakdown in your relationship with your stepson and the loss of contact with your grandson after providing such significant care. Alongside that, it seems that unanswered questions from 2021 have resurfaced and become intertwined with the hurt, anger and sense of betrayal you are experiencing now.
Those feelings are understandable, and this forum can be a space to talk about them. When relationships become strained, it can be natural to revisit past events and search for answers, particularly when there are parts of the story that still feel unresolved. Carrying uncertainty for such a long time can be exhausting, and the emotions you're describing suggest just how heavily this situation has weighed on you.
At the same time, it may be helpful to focus on what support you need for yourself and how you would like to move forward. Sometimes, when we are faced with uncertainty, our minds naturally search for answers in the hope of easing the pain. While some questions may remain unanswered, you deserve support with the impact this situation has had on you and the difficult emotions you are experiencing now.
Thank you to everyone who has contributed. While there may be different views on some aspects of the situation, I hope we can continue to keep the focus on supporting the original poster with the very real feelings of anger, hurt, uncertainty and loss that they have described, and on exploring what might help them move forward.
