Moving Forwards
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Hi All, I'm coming to you for help.
It's been 18 months since the knock and bit by bit, life is changing. We very nearly lost our house, husband lost his job and can't get anyone to employ him. I'm a student/stay at home mum to children with special needs. I've stayed with him thus far for the family and because he has nowhere else to go, but it's taking it's toll on my wellbeing. I'll never rest living with what he's done, but feel responsible for ensuring he's not living on the street, I feel so trapped. Our kids adore him, as did I until we got the knock. Family are unsupportive and all just stay out of our way. I either keep the family together or ask him to leave and try to find work and bring the children up alone, neither of which I want. People tell me to kick him out, but obviously don't have the emotional ties. Any words of positivity or even a 'pull yourself together' would be much appreciated from others who have been there and appreciate how I'm feeling. I need counselling, but can't afford it. I'm also concerned about my ability to find work now he has a criminal record. Thx in advance for your help. Big hugs to you all.
It's been 18 months since the knock and bit by bit, life is changing. We very nearly lost our house, husband lost his job and can't get anyone to employ him. I'm a student/stay at home mum to children with special needs. I've stayed with him thus far for the family and because he has nowhere else to go, but it's taking it's toll on my wellbeing. I'll never rest living with what he's done, but feel responsible for ensuring he's not living on the street, I feel so trapped. Our kids adore him, as did I until we got the knock. Family are unsupportive and all just stay out of our way. I either keep the family together or ask him to leave and try to find work and bring the children up alone, neither of which I want. People tell me to kick him out, but obviously don't have the emotional ties. Any words of positivity or even a 'pull yourself together' would be much appreciated from others who have been there and appreciate how I'm feeling. I need counselling, but can't afford it. I'm also concerned about my ability to find work now he has a criminal record. Thx in advance for your help. Big hugs to you all.
Hi moving forward, it's a crap situation none of us wanted x
only you can decide if you want to keep him or not , for me my now ex husband made a choice , he was caught by vigilantes, but initially he was chatting to other women so in my mind that was cheating without the rubbish that followed ,
what I will say is I am a single mum to 3 kids, it's bloody hard work but it was the choice I made , my ex husband at 48 knew right from wrong, he said he did not have a porn addiction or anything, he just got caught up in it , the police record that they have so far are vile .
if you ask him to leave you will have strength that you never knew you had , you will find happiness again and there is a light at the end , no one will judge the choice you make , but put yourself and your children first , you are not responsible for his actions or the choices he made xx
only you can decide if you want to keep him or not , for me my now ex husband made a choice , he was caught by vigilantes, but initially he was chatting to other women so in my mind that was cheating without the rubbish that followed ,
what I will say is I am a single mum to 3 kids, it's bloody hard work but it was the choice I made , my ex husband at 48 knew right from wrong, he said he did not have a porn addiction or anything, he just got caught up in it , the police record that they have so far are vile .
if you ask him to leave you will have strength that you never knew you had , you will find happiness again and there is a light at the end , no one will judge the choice you make , but put yourself and your children first , you are not responsible for his actions or the choices he made xx
Ellen, I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for your response and you sound amazing. I have been tormenting myself for far too long and fear has stopped me moving forward. Hearing from strong people like yourself will give me the courage I need to break free. Thanks so much for sharing your experience, I can't thank you enough.
Hi crystal, sorry you are in this situation. What I would say is imagine there is no house, job or childcare worries, would you want to stay? Staying together for the kids isnt always the best. My mother done that and it only delayed the inevitable and I ended up more scared. This was not because of and iioc but alcohol abuse.
I chose to stay with my husband because I loved him and wanted to work through this. We have and we are settled into a new life in a new town. Think about what you want, what is best for you. X
I chose to stay with my husband because I loved him and wanted to work through this. We have and we are settled into a new life in a new town. Think about what you want, what is best for you. X
Crystal,
Its such an awful situation to be in. I’m quite new to this ( just under 3 weeks since I found out)
All I can say is don’t stay out of fear. I have a child with special needs and a baby on the way. I knew I would rather be alone than stay with my ex after what he had done. I’ve been a single parent for years now ( my son is from a diff relationship) and it’s hard but not impossible. I’m scared about how I will cope when my baby arrives, but I also feel strong and sure that I’m doing the
right thing for me and my children too.
You can and will cope on your own if that is what you decide to do. There is support and a future for you. Xx
Its such an awful situation to be in. I’m quite new to this ( just under 3 weeks since I found out)
All I can say is don’t stay out of fear. I have a child with special needs and a baby on the way. I knew I would rather be alone than stay with my ex after what he had done. I’ve been a single parent for years now ( my son is from a diff relationship) and it’s hard but not impossible. I’m scared about how I will cope when my baby arrives, but I also feel strong and sure that I’m doing the
right thing for me and my children too.
You can and will cope on your own if that is what you decide to do. There is support and a future for you. Xx
Thanks to you both Sally Blue and Marie. I've been paralysed by fear for the past 18 months. I used to work, but haven't done so for 12 years, so it's daunting, but there are so many issues that go with living with someone on the register - my kids can't have their friends around to play and they haven't been able to have birthday parties in the house. Also, I'm concerned that my DBS may be affected when I go to find work. I know none of us choose this, but I have no parents or family of my own and I feel so alone. I don't want to live with or without him, if that makes any sense! I'm scared if I continue being this unhappy it will have effects on the kids but I also know they won't forgive me if I ask him to leave. I feel so lost but hearing your bravery is heartening. My support and gratitude goes out to you too. Thanks for being there.
Hi , I would also say that my job depended on him going so it was just another nail in the coffin for me , you since heard from other who stay and it works, but like someone said if there were no children , house etc would you stay?
dont be afraid to take as long as you want to reach your decision, but make sure it is right for you , everyone and their mother is an expert but this is a real niche club we are in,
work is geared up a lot better for single mums (if you choose that route) but should you also decide to take time out and be a mum then there are options for you too. Don't let fear dictate your Choice
I am only 6 weeks into this hell , but every day it gets a tiny bit easier xxx
dont be afraid to take as long as you want to reach your decision, but make sure it is right for you , everyone and their mother is an expert but this is a real niche club we are in,
work is geared up a lot better for single mums (if you choose that route) but should you also decide to take time out and be a mum then there are options for you too. Don't let fear dictate your Choice
I am only 6 weeks into this hell , but every day it gets a tiny bit easier xxx
Lost123 my heart goes out to you. My husband's case took 9 months to get to court, then unfortunately, it got reported on online, with photos. Within hours husband lost his job and I got tonnes of messages of support from other mums. Then, as time wore on, those same people started to avoid me as they just didn't know what to say. Husband's family are prete6it's not happening as they're far away, which just leaves me. We have no money now he lost his job, so he's under my feet all day. I find I'm avoiding coming home. Luckily, nobody has been abusive or told my children. Sadly, I was abused as a child so the thought of what he was looking at online makes me feel sick and vulnerable. If I were younger I wouldn't be so scared. It will get easier for you too, I promise. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences, thank you and I wish you and your family happiness.
Crystal - for support, hopefully you have phoned the Stop it Now Helpline? - the counsellors on the end of the line are brilliant. Also, have you considered doing the Inform course for partners? I know the initial face to face appt is expensive - but the LFF will consider options for paying it slowly - and the course itself is free for partners/family. (Donations welcomed but they understand and facilitate if you can't afford this). The Inform course for partners is very much about support and helping you completely understand the place you have found yourself in through no fault of your own. X