My dad was caught by a hunter group on Facebook, then he was arrested and it was live streamed. I feel I should have known, there were signs, it wasn't a shock, but at the same time it was. During the livestream all of the details came out, including them reading messages he'd sent etc which made me sick. He used me and my sisters as an excuse and even brought up my children, his grandchildren in the video.
I feel so many emotions. I want to go hug those girls and make it better for them. I'm angry at my dad for doing this, for bringing us into it. I feel shame because everyone knows all the details. I feel scared for my young siblings and my children because he's now been released. I'm mourning the loss of my dad, knowing I can never see or speak to him again. I want to hurt him and make him pay. I then feel bad for all those emotions because he's my dad, the love is supposed to be unconditional, but I hate him. He's torn my whole family apart. The second I feel any love for him, it makes me physically sick.
It's also brought up past trauma that I'd forgotten about, things he did when I was little. He was violent, abusive and manipulative and I feel so guilty for not doing something that could have stopped him. I thought he'd changed, but I can now see it was obvious he hadn't. I don't want my kids to see me broken, I'm trying so hard to act normally, but I am completely torn apart. My partner is working abroad and the rest of my family don't live close. I have no one to talk to and feel so alone. I don't know where to go from here, how to begin to feel normal again. How to stop all the horrible thoughts going around in my head non stop. I want to forget it ever happened and just be normal again