Immediately separated from my husband of 9 years. I don't understand and will never understand how people stay.

Trust issues aside, I just don't understand how you could ever sleep with a man who has viewed images of children being sexually abused. What do people think these men are doing whilst looking at these images? If you think they are doing anything other than masturbating then you are lying to yourselves.

Hi,

I think this is the most commonly asked question on this forum. The answers are usually split pretty evenly between stay and leave. The knock for my partner was almost 6 years ago now. His offences were communication with a minor (14). At the time of the knock I was 3 months pregnant with our daughter. I ended the relationship but after 2 years and lots of research I decided to give our relationship another try. We don't live together although this has been approved by social services. If I'm honest we aren't in the right place to live together. I know others who have chosen to stay and are fully confident and happy in their decisions. If I could offer any advice it would be that whatever decisions you make now don't have to be permanent decisions. You have the right to change your mind either way along the line. I've been very honest with my partner and let him know that my decision may change. This isn't about whether you love him or not, you can love from a distance and have peace with that decision too. Everyone on here has different experiences and obviously that shapes the responses you get. It's early days for you right now, make decisions based on the facts you have when you're ready to. Sending love and support xxx

I stayed.

For context it was a communication offence (decoy).

At the time he was suffering from mental health issues causes by ill health and overwork. When it all came to the fore he attempted suicide

We are an older couple with no children at home - had we had any kids living with us I would have had no choice but to separate.

I made no promises to stay but said I would support him through what was the worst time of his life.

Almost 2 years from arrest and almost a year on from sentencing he has proved that he is remorseful and worked very hard on improving his m/h. He has changed jobs, completed his community payback and has counselling.

Life has changed for both of us (he has 5 years SOR and SHPO) but although it's different we manage ok. He's got a different job with less pressure and we are looking to the future.

Whether we stay or we leave , we have to do what is right for us - I would never be critical of someone's decision, especially as I have been in that position myself. X

My daughter ended her marriage the day he was arrested and only ever saw him again 9 months later at the child welfare hearing.



It's not been an easy road. It's nearly a year since it happened.

I can't tell you what to do but like the other person said how could you ever trust him again.

With the support of family and friends you can re build a life away from him and his lies and deceit



Take care xx

Dear Forum Users,

Thank you for posting and engaging with the forum.

This topic can bring up very strong feelings, and it's important to recognise that people respond to the trauma of discovering a loved one's offending in very different ways. For some, separation feels like the safest and most appropriate decision, while for others the situation is more complex and may take time to process and make sense of.

I think it's important that we remain mindful of both the language we use and how we share our views. Many people reading this forum are carrying feelings of shock, grief, anger, shame, confusion, and loss. Comments that generalise or make assumptions about others' choices can sometimes feel painful for those whose experiences are different.

It's okay for us to have different perspectives and different boundaries. While there may not always be agreement, this forum can remain a supportive space by approaching discussions with compassion, respect, and understanding for the wide range of experiences represented here. Everyone's journey is different, and creating space for those differences can help people feel heard, supported, and less alone.

Thank you all for helping to make this a supportive space

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Please don't put pressure on yourself to make choices now- you're in shock, you're in survival mode and you can't put together the man you knew and the man you see before you.

i immediately separated from my husband and started divorce proceedings, but as I saw him start to try to fix his life, we had discussed down the line whether there might be a way back. I was also very pregnant and vulnerable.

whilst we were having those discussions and he was saying all this stuff about wanting only to be with me, I found him on all sorts of dating apps and onlyfans accounts (because he was so 'lonely') which enraged me because not only did he lie to my face, but it would look so bad to police. Bloody idiot.

That made my decision certain and I've honestly not looked back and feel right. I never could have truly forgiven him or been intimate with him or believed anything he said anymore.

try not to think in absolutes just yet - give yourself space. And if he's pushing for an answer then that's a sign he's not respecting what he's done to you.

I left. But it took me over 10 months to reach that decision. My mind was all over the shop. I thought maybe could get through it and come out stronger than before. But I also knew that the offending would never truly go away - and did I want to live my life always waiting for it to come back and bite us.

I thought I loved him. But I certainly didn't trust him. He had an affair years before - should have seen the light then

Ultimately my kids wanted nothing to do with him. If they went on to have kids they said if I stayed with him they would never bring them to see me. I chose my kids over my husband

Also I was so fed up of all the lies. The lies that he was telling me and the lies I was telling to everyone else including family. And still am to some extent

I'm 4 years post knock. Divorced last year. He is currently in prison for the second time - so I definitely made the right decision

Have a lovely new home and plenty of supportive friends - and when I least expected it I found love again

I will go as far to say life is better than it was before

Take your time to make any decisions. No one should judge you.

I separated. Then went back. Now we are separated again, over the span of 4 months.

We have kids together.

His content sounded like his daughter and niece. He used to constantly accuse me of being jealous.

He's now angry because she had heightened sexual issues I used to report to CSC as she disclosed other issues with the other parent - and now I can't unsee it. I think he was looking at them. It makes so much sense now, all the weirdness I used to call him out on. He would behave as if they were dating, she had even once asked him why he chose me over her.

I feel for that girl. He still thinks I hate her, but she tried to groom my kids. I put boundaries in place over it and he used to say I was being too hard on her (for not letting her share a room with my boys).

I can't tell you what you can do, I also keep spiralling.

All I can really say is I'm so sorry and I totally understand how hard it is, and how scary, and how confusing.

My friends want me to leave him. I probably should. I'm still very much in love with him, I've got children's social care supporting me.

I'm also black out blind with fury over what I found, and traumatised for life. I can't understand why my brain wants me to stay.

I understand why people do, though. It's the, "I stay for all the things he did right, not the thing he did wrong".

Hi Overwhelmed, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Those first days and weeks are totally overwhelming and disorientating, and it makes complete sense that you haven’t been able to process any of it properly yet. Your mind is protecting you from taking in too much at once.

You don’t owe anyone an answer about whether you’re staying, leaving, separating, or anything else. It's a life changing decision and one you should be allowed to spend as long as you need on. You may find you change your mind several times as you work through your own emotions, thoughts and feelings and thats OK.

It's totally understandable that you’re avoiding spending time with your person at the moment. You're going through shock and trauma and trying to act “normal” when nothing feels normal is too much for anyone.

Please be gentle with yourself. You don’t have to rush, you don’t have to decide, and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.

Hi



I left, but it took me 13 months after the arrest. It destroyed my mental health and although I left last august I still struggle now. I miss him, but thats me missing the old him.

I couldnt deal with the lying, the final straw was I had gone on and on to a point of obsession asking if he had heard from the police about the CPS and one day after id been away to london I casually dropped 'heard anything from the police' as I did, daily except this time, so blasé, he said 'yeah im in court on....' as if it wasnt important information and that was what made my final decision. Something that affected me so much and yet I had to ask, the information wasnt volunteered.

Whatever you decide to do, dont worry about what others think or would do. Noone is living your life.



Wishing you the best x

As some others have said, whatever you choose to do, ensure it's your decision. People on here will have strong opinions influenced by a great many personal factors, but these may not be relevant to you and your situation.

I personally chose to stay, we are a few years post knock, we live together, we've had another child together, social services were only briefly in our lives, he's still under probation and mosovo but they're happy with everything and we are mostly left alone.

I work in children's safeguarding and have had a promotion since the knock and my work knows I have stayed and we live together.

I think statistically it's a pretty even split between people who stay and people who leave. I have, within my job, worked with families who have stayed together and families who have separated.

It's a personal decision. I love my husband, he's done a lot of work on himself and with us as his family and I did not want to lose all we have built together. The impact on us from outside professionals was also less than other people have experienced. It didn't hit the press. We are able to live quite normal lives. My job was unaffected and he was able to gain ok employment after being fired.

At the same time, me choosing to stay now doesn't meant I can't leave in the future if I change my mind or if something else happens (whether connected to the knock or not). A decision to stay right now whilst you figure things out isn't the same as a decision to stay forever

My only advice is to tell as few people as you can - the stigma around this as an offence is massive compared to other types of offending. But that's also based on my personal experience and others may differ in their views