Sentencing and Lack of Accountability
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Hi everyone,
I'm just looking for some advice or to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation, as I want to be as prepared as possible for what comes next.
My ex-partner pleaded guilty last week in the magistrates' court to three offences: two counts of online sexual communication with a child and one count of inciting sexual activity with a child. Both "children" were actually two different police decoys. During the court hearing, I also found out that one of the decoys had told him they were 12 years old and in Year 7. The case has now been sent to Crown Court for sentencing in the second week of August.
What I'm struggling with is that, despite pleading guilty, he has since messaged his former best friend saying that he still doesn't believe he's guilty and only pleaded guilty on his solicitor's advice. Throughout the last year he repeatedly told me he was innocent. He never told me he'd even been charged - the police had to contact me themselves. He's also said things to me like, "You're not the victim," and has never been transparent or taken any real responsibility. I do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
We currently only have limited need to know contact through app close.
We have a four-year-old son together. We're no longer in a relationship, and haven't been since the knock. His current bail conditions mean he cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone under 18, so his contact with our son is supervised by his mother.
I've contacted the police to ask what happens next regarding Children's Services and any formal referrals, and I'm still waiting to hear back. I've also asked whether I'll be able to speak to probation before sentencing so I can share my concerns, particularly around any Sexual Harm Prevention Order and his continued denial and lack of honesty.
At the same time, I don't want to unnecessarily punish my son by preventing a relationship with his dad if professionals believe it's safe. However, my ex has started making comments about having a bedroom ready for him in a future house, again to me another red flag at any acknowledgement about the seriousness of the situation.
Has anyone been through something similar? I'm particularly interested in:
- What sort of sentence was given for similar offences following a guilty plea?
- Whether probation or the court took continued denial or lack of insight into account.
- What happened with Children's Services and future contact arrangements where there was a young child involved.
I know every case is different, but hearing other people's experiences would really help me understand what might happen next.
Thank you.
I'm just looking for some advice or to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation, as I want to be as prepared as possible for what comes next.
My ex-partner pleaded guilty last week in the magistrates' court to three offences: two counts of online sexual communication with a child and one count of inciting sexual activity with a child. Both "children" were actually two different police decoys. During the court hearing, I also found out that one of the decoys had told him they were 12 years old and in Year 7. The case has now been sent to Crown Court for sentencing in the second week of August.
What I'm struggling with is that, despite pleading guilty, he has since messaged his former best friend saying that he still doesn't believe he's guilty and only pleaded guilty on his solicitor's advice. Throughout the last year he repeatedly told me he was innocent. He never told me he'd even been charged - the police had to contact me themselves. He's also said things to me like, "You're not the victim," and has never been transparent or taken any real responsibility. I do not believe a word that comes out of his mouth.
We currently only have limited need to know contact through app close.
We have a four-year-old son together. We're no longer in a relationship, and haven't been since the knock. His current bail conditions mean he cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone under 18, so his contact with our son is supervised by his mother.
I've contacted the police to ask what happens next regarding Children's Services and any formal referrals, and I'm still waiting to hear back. I've also asked whether I'll be able to speak to probation before sentencing so I can share my concerns, particularly around any Sexual Harm Prevention Order and his continued denial and lack of honesty.
At the same time, I don't want to unnecessarily punish my son by preventing a relationship with his dad if professionals believe it's safe. However, my ex has started making comments about having a bedroom ready for him in a future house, again to me another red flag at any acknowledgement about the seriousness of the situation.
Has anyone been through something similar? I'm particularly interested in:
- What sort of sentence was given for similar offences following a guilty plea?
- Whether probation or the court took continued denial or lack of insight into account.
- What happened with Children's Services and future contact arrangements where there was a young child involved.
I know every case is different, but hearing other people's experiences would really help me understand what might happen next.
Thank you.
Hello,
My person was sentenced to 6 years and did 3 and was released on probation for the remainder for something similar. Although I think my persons was more severe as there was a lot of manipulation involved and him lying about his age.
It definitely does matter if the person doesn't have any remorse or lacks accountability. I feel that if they haven't shown that they are working towards being rehabilitated, the judge will take this in to account when sentencing.
Sorry I can't be more helpful!
My person was sentenced to 6 years and did 3 and was released on probation for the remainder for something similar. Although I think my persons was more severe as there was a lot of manipulation involved and him lying about his age.
It definitely does matter if the person doesn't have any remorse or lacks accountability. I feel that if they haven't shown that they are working towards being rehabilitated, the judge will take this in to account when sentencing.
Sorry I can't be more helpful!
My ex is still waiting to be charged but I know from the vigilante transcripts the decoy said they were 12 which makes me sick to my stomach.
he has (mostly) taken responsibility and is trying to rebuild his life (but still is so entitled about the people who do know treating him badly- like yes, they're allowed to not want to be around you or be ok with you!)
I think your ex is living in dreamland if he thinks there's any way after pleading guilty to that he's getting any sort of unsupervised custody overnight any time soon. I am working with the expectation of 5-10 years. I am hopeful we get to unsupervised visits because I do think he's safe with my boys and I have no support, but overnights are a whole other world and way way down the line.
I wouldn't even worry yourself about it, there's no way he's going to get that.
he has (mostly) taken responsibility and is trying to rebuild his life (but still is so entitled about the people who do know treating him badly- like yes, they're allowed to not want to be around you or be ok with you!)
I think your ex is living in dreamland if he thinks there's any way after pleading guilty to that he's getting any sort of unsupervised custody overnight any time soon. I am working with the expectation of 5-10 years. I am hopeful we get to unsupervised visits because I do think he's safe with my boys and I have no support, but overnights are a whole other world and way way down the line.
I wouldn't even worry yourself about it, there's no way he's going to get that.
My ex is the same, we also have kids. I had a step child with him, too.
He's arguing he's innocent still, even his ex sides with him and some of the content sounded like his daughter and niece. Same clubs, names, descriptions, puberty, ages, whole lot. All related to IRL stuff for us. I saw all the written stories and the images.
I cannot believe that he wasn't looking at his daughter that way, in my case, because he used to accuse me of being jealous of his daughter, all the time. We used to fight as I'd argue a romantic and parental relationship aren't the same and that's deflecting. Now I feel, there were red flags I'd been reporting prior to all this, and "it all makes sense now".
He's got zero accountability, says he's the victim, everyone else is the problem if they don't agree it's a fetish.
I don't understand it either.
Children's services now also dealing with us, they've told me to cut contact ATM and said they will handle him as I'm not in the right place emotionally and it's taking a toll on my MH.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You're not alone x
He's arguing he's innocent still, even his ex sides with him and some of the content sounded like his daughter and niece. Same clubs, names, descriptions, puberty, ages, whole lot. All related to IRL stuff for us. I saw all the written stories and the images.
I cannot believe that he wasn't looking at his daughter that way, in my case, because he used to accuse me of being jealous of his daughter, all the time. We used to fight as I'd argue a romantic and parental relationship aren't the same and that's deflecting. Now I feel, there were red flags I'd been reporting prior to all this, and "it all makes sense now".
He's got zero accountability, says he's the victim, everyone else is the problem if they don't agree it's a fetish.
I don't understand it either.
Children's services now also dealing with us, they've told me to cut contact ATM and said they will handle him as I'm not in the right place emotionally and it's taking a toll on my MH.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
You're not alone x
I should add, my ex and I did try and work on our relationship as I still love him, hence me saying to children's social care that I can't trust my judgement right now.
He kept asking to move back into my house, I had invited him to have overnights (CSC know, I've emailed them admitting everything, they said stop all contact and they'll handle it) and he kept pushing about moving back in together.
Idk what goes through their heads. It's scary. I'm fully traumatised after what I saw ???? but his family and friends get the benefit that they didn't see it so they can be in denial...
I feel like the entitlement and lack of accountability are super red flags and make them higher risk. As my ex is only focused on his image and how he's a "good guy, good father".
He kept asking to move back into my house, I had invited him to have overnights (CSC know, I've emailed them admitting everything, they said stop all contact and they'll handle it) and he kept pushing about moving back in together.
Idk what goes through their heads. It's scary. I'm fully traumatised after what I saw ???? but his family and friends get the benefit that they didn't see it so they can be in denial...
I feel like the entitlement and lack of accountability are super red flags and make them higher risk. As my ex is only focused on his image and how he's a "good guy, good father".
At this stage I would be wondering if contact is in your son's best interests. I'm sorry - I know that's a very difficult thing - but your ex sounds awful. For context I do supervise my ex with our shared children, because he seems to be trying, but if he carried on like that I would reallyvconsider things
But definitely speak to SS.
But definitely speak to SS.
Hi User,
My son’s offence sounds very similar. He received a two?year suspended sentence, 300 hours of community service, a fine of around £500, was required to complete the Horizon programme, and was given 10 years on the Sex Offenders Register along with a 10?year Sexual Harm Prevention Order.
Unlike your person, my son admitted what he had done straight away and actually provided the police with the evidence they needed to secure the conviction. His immediate confession was acknowledged in court by the judge, who said it is very unusual for someone to give a full confession during their initial police interview.
His SHPO includes a restriction stating that he cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone under 18 unless this is agreed by social services and the child’s parents. Social services had already closed the case before sentencing, and it was only reopened later when he and his offender manager felt it was the right time to begin working towards unsupervised contact with his children.
Once the assessments were completed and social services were satisfied that unsupervised contact could begin safely, they closed the case again. From that point onward, the decision about when and where unsupervised contact happens rests with the children’s mum.
I hope this helps to answer some of your questions.
My son’s offence sounds very similar. He received a two?year suspended sentence, 300 hours of community service, a fine of around £500, was required to complete the Horizon programme, and was given 10 years on the Sex Offenders Register along with a 10?year Sexual Harm Prevention Order.
Unlike your person, my son admitted what he had done straight away and actually provided the police with the evidence they needed to secure the conviction. His immediate confession was acknowledged in court by the judge, who said it is very unusual for someone to give a full confession during their initial police interview.
His SHPO includes a restriction stating that he cannot have unsupervised contact with anyone under 18 unless this is agreed by social services and the child’s parents. Social services had already closed the case before sentencing, and it was only reopened later when he and his offender manager felt it was the right time to begin working towards unsupervised contact with his children.
Once the assessments were completed and social services were satisfied that unsupervised contact could begin safely, they closed the case again. From that point onward, the decision about when and where unsupervised contact happens rests with the children’s mum.
I hope this helps to answer some of your questions.
