I’m at a crossroads. Advice needed!
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I don't know what to do with my life. I feel stuck and trapped but also don't know if I can end things with my boyfriend.
We had the knock over 3 years ago, I was alone at the house when the police called demanding to speak to him. I had to call him to come to the house. He told me about what he was being charged with and had to give over his phone. At first he denied everything but then he opened up. He got help, he went to therapy and has dealt with his porn addiction. In the first 6 months after the knock he gambled and was in serious debt, as well I found him on dating apps. I maybe should have left then but I just wasn't in the right headspace.
Fast forward to now and I can see how much he has grown and changed. Keep in mind when we got the knock he was 24 now he is coming 28. So definitely maturity has helped too but also the work he has done for himself. I thought I could do this make it work, I mainly tried to ignore the looming guillitine over our heads. We have bought a house together and have a cat. From the outside everything is perfect. We are to go to Thailand in Feb.
But it is now starting to tumble. He has got confirmation of his court date which is late August. He says he will probably go Guilty. I feel like I have been pulled back into reality and everything I have been ignoring is back to the forefront.
I am only 26. I want to do so much with my life. I want to travel but with this conviction we won't be allowed to. Then there is the potential media attention as well. He has got a medical done as he has constant suidical ideation and has attempted twice. The report is supportive of anonymity but it is all up to the Judge on the day.
I am just scared and angry. How could he do this? It is sick and disgusting. The duality of him is just heartbreaking. He can be the most caring and loving parter, the partner a girl would dream about but then in the next breath there is this and his other past actions. I feel like I excuse it and I am disgusted by myself.
I just don't know what to do. I love him so much. But how can I love someone who has looked at CP and animal abuse. Do I leave now? What about the house? How will I do it? I love him and don't want to let go but in the next breath I know I am stuck and have so much I want to do in this world but can't do it with him.
We had the knock over 3 years ago, I was alone at the house when the police called demanding to speak to him. I had to call him to come to the house. He told me about what he was being charged with and had to give over his phone. At first he denied everything but then he opened up. He got help, he went to therapy and has dealt with his porn addiction. In the first 6 months after the knock he gambled and was in serious debt, as well I found him on dating apps. I maybe should have left then but I just wasn't in the right headspace.
Fast forward to now and I can see how much he has grown and changed. Keep in mind when we got the knock he was 24 now he is coming 28. So definitely maturity has helped too but also the work he has done for himself. I thought I could do this make it work, I mainly tried to ignore the looming guillitine over our heads. We have bought a house together and have a cat. From the outside everything is perfect. We are to go to Thailand in Feb.
But it is now starting to tumble. He has got confirmation of his court date which is late August. He says he will probably go Guilty. I feel like I have been pulled back into reality and everything I have been ignoring is back to the forefront.
I am only 26. I want to do so much with my life. I want to travel but with this conviction we won't be allowed to. Then there is the potential media attention as well. He has got a medical done as he has constant suidical ideation and has attempted twice. The report is supportive of anonymity but it is all up to the Judge on the day.
I am just scared and angry. How could he do this? It is sick and disgusting. The duality of him is just heartbreaking. He can be the most caring and loving parter, the partner a girl would dream about but then in the next breath there is this and his other past actions. I feel like I excuse it and I am disgusted by myself.
I just don't know what to do. I love him so much. But how can I love someone who has looked at CP and animal abuse. Do I leave now? What about the house? How will I do it? I love him and don't want to let go but in the next breath I know I am stuck and have so much I want to do in this world but can't do it with him.
I would hold fire on making any big decisions until after the court case
I think the court date has just thrown you back 3yrs look at him hes progress etc
You can still travel i believe not all countries have restrictions with regards to the Sor
We are still waiting for charges its only been 6mths im in limbo
I think the court date has just thrown you back 3yrs look at him hes progress etc
You can still travel i believe not all countries have restrictions with regards to the Sor
We are still waiting for charges its only been 6mths im in limbo
I understand your indecision and expect you feel that your brain is like a neverending washing machine going around and around.
I have been married for 34 years and my husband has been a porn addict for the last 19 years. Though its only for the last approximately 8/9 years that we've understood it to be that. I have gone through so much trauma with him but have forgiven him time and again while feeling like a complete idiot! But when the children were young I was scared to be on my own as well as still loving him. We even paid out over £2000 for him to go on a residential course with The Laurel Centre a few years ago,
Then he was arrested last year for sharing illegal images on Kik. He case has been dropped after 9 months due to no evidence being found on any of the devices. I had no idea that he had been looking at porn again, going on messaging sites etc. He had lied when I was suspicious due to his mood (he got very down and quiet when he was going through a period of accessing porn). Our lives were absolutely torn apart when he was arrested and we have lived apart since though have kept in contact. Now his case has been just NFA'd he has asked if we can get back together. He is accessing therapy again and goes to Sex Addicts Anonymous weekly meetings which he finds very helpful. But I don't know if I still love him enough to trust he won't put me through trauma again. I am going back to therapy myself as I feel like I don't have any emotions at the moment. Just flat.
I know that if he had been charged and found guilty I would have divorced him and I think this is what I have been expecting to happen and this last few days since the case being dropped have knocked me sideways and I feel worse than I have for the last few months.
So really in reply to your post its not just travel that would be affected if he is found guilty and put on the sex offenders register. Any interaction with children would be affected as well as social services being involved if you have children in the future. This is why I would have divorced him. If I have grandchildren I do not want him to be a problem. I know his has absolutely no interest in children sexually and its the addiction that led him down that path but I wouldn't have wanted the restrictions on our lives by him being on the register. You are early on in your relationship so think carefully about what staying with him would entail. He will always be an addict the same as an alcoholic and he needs to deal with that. Maybe being arrested is the turning point. It seems to be for my husband. His mental health has been wrecked by this and he will need therapy and support.
I have been married for 34 years and my husband has been a porn addict for the last 19 years. Though its only for the last approximately 8/9 years that we've understood it to be that. I have gone through so much trauma with him but have forgiven him time and again while feeling like a complete idiot! But when the children were young I was scared to be on my own as well as still loving him. We even paid out over £2000 for him to go on a residential course with The Laurel Centre a few years ago,
Then he was arrested last year for sharing illegal images on Kik. He case has been dropped after 9 months due to no evidence being found on any of the devices. I had no idea that he had been looking at porn again, going on messaging sites etc. He had lied when I was suspicious due to his mood (he got very down and quiet when he was going through a period of accessing porn). Our lives were absolutely torn apart when he was arrested and we have lived apart since though have kept in contact. Now his case has been just NFA'd he has asked if we can get back together. He is accessing therapy again and goes to Sex Addicts Anonymous weekly meetings which he finds very helpful. But I don't know if I still love him enough to trust he won't put me through trauma again. I am going back to therapy myself as I feel like I don't have any emotions at the moment. Just flat.
I know that if he had been charged and found guilty I would have divorced him and I think this is what I have been expecting to happen and this last few days since the case being dropped have knocked me sideways and I feel worse than I have for the last few months.
So really in reply to your post its not just travel that would be affected if he is found guilty and put on the sex offenders register. Any interaction with children would be affected as well as social services being involved if you have children in the future. This is why I would have divorced him. If I have grandchildren I do not want him to be a problem. I know his has absolutely no interest in children sexually and its the addiction that led him down that path but I wouldn't have wanted the restrictions on our lives by him being on the register. You are early on in your relationship so think carefully about what staying with him would entail. He will always be an addict the same as an alcoholic and he needs to deal with that. Maybe being arrested is the turning point. It seems to be for my husband. His mental health has been wrecked by this and he will need therapy and support.
