8 months after the knock
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My (now) ex B was arrested and charged with child sex crimes and making IIOC 8 months ago. He's been sentenced to 12.5 years in prison. I'm not sure it'll ever get better to be honest. I was 8 months pregnant at the time of his arrest with his baby and obviously had SS involvement under PLO and CIN plan. I went through court and managed to keep my baby. I am riddled with anxiety- I think I have ptsd. I'm a ball of nerves 24/7 and I still cry daily about how my life fell apart and how much harder life is now. I managed to keep my home and I've broadened my support network, I'm slowly becoming more like 'me' but everything's scares me. Knocks on the door, blue flashing lights.
the knock happened on an evening so now when it's dark outside I panic. It feels like the anxiety won't ever go away. Police keep phoning and visiting me with updates even 8 months on and the sight of police makes me feel sick with anxiety. I honestly have been so affected by everything that happened. He wasn't even arrested from my house and yet still all of this is impacting me even now. They say time will heal but I'm becoming increasingly sceptical
i obviously immediately left him, but I grieve what we were. I miss the man I knew so deeply, we were going to get married and we were already starting our little family. I'm so heartbroken. There's nothing I want more for this to all have just been a bad dream. People have forever told me that I'm strong for how I've held myself through this but honestly I haven't been holding it well at all. Constant breakdowns, constant stress and anxiety. It's like my heart physically hurts. He was my safe place, my person but he's a monster. I don't feel like I'll ever be capable of romantic love again and my world view has been turned upside down. I honestly wish you could get some type of compensation for what I've been made to feel through his actions. It can't be just for someone to put you through this and face zero repercussions. My whole life shattered and my life was pulled from under my feet.
I just want a looking glass to a few years from now to see if I'm doing any better. Because trying to raise a baby whilst dealing with this mental battle is so draining and feels endless. I don't know how I'm supposed to bare it moving forwards. I know I will for my daughter but it feels impossible
the knock happened on an evening so now when it's dark outside I panic. It feels like the anxiety won't ever go away. Police keep phoning and visiting me with updates even 8 months on and the sight of police makes me feel sick with anxiety. I honestly have been so affected by everything that happened. He wasn't even arrested from my house and yet still all of this is impacting me even now. They say time will heal but I'm becoming increasingly sceptical
i obviously immediately left him, but I grieve what we were. I miss the man I knew so deeply, we were going to get married and we were already starting our little family. I'm so heartbroken. There's nothing I want more for this to all have just been a bad dream. People have forever told me that I'm strong for how I've held myself through this but honestly I haven't been holding it well at all. Constant breakdowns, constant stress and anxiety. It's like my heart physically hurts. He was my safe place, my person but he's a monster. I don't feel like I'll ever be capable of romantic love again and my world view has been turned upside down. I honestly wish you could get some type of compensation for what I've been made to feel through his actions. It can't be just for someone to put you through this and face zero repercussions. My whole life shattered and my life was pulled from under my feet.
I just want a looking glass to a few years from now to see if I'm doing any better. Because trying to raise a baby whilst dealing with this mental battle is so draining and feels endless. I don't know how I'm supposed to bare it moving forwards. I know I will for my daughter but it feels impossible
I hear your pain and struggle, anguish and anxiety. I am glad you have some support. Have you had some help to get you through the PTSD?
I must admit I felt like things improved slightly when my person when to jail. But I really turned a corner once the marital home was sold and I moved into my new home. It is all mine and untainted by him. I took very little with me and it feels good to have less stuff.
We find a new normal but maybe you need help with your feelings and PTSD.
There are good people out there and good men also. You mustn't let this ruin the rest of your life - you deserve so much more than that and so does your child
We find a new normal but maybe you need help with your feelings and PTSD.
There are good people out there and good men also. You mustn't let this ruin the rest of your life - you deserve so much more than that and so does your child
Thankyou for your responses!
i havent managed to get any support for feelings or ptsd- through the court and constant monitoring of SS I felt if i wavered even slightly mentally that they might think i wasnt worthy of keeping my daughter or stable enough.
i was scared completely through the entire battle as at the beginning they believed i knew and had still continued with having a child with a SO however they found out very quickly via the police I had no knowledge. However, at the beginning they were steadfast in assuming i wasnt going to safeguard her well enough and there were talks of taking her into care so i put myself on the backburner and stayed as 'strong' as i could outwardly.
they closed the case several months early and now i have free reign to seek mental health support however im nervous if i seek help that may involve them again? I have no idea how it works to be honest
i desperately want some mental health support. I would like to be better for my daughter. I never take out the situation on her or would ever and im always smiley and happy for her but when she goes to bed it's the hardest- when everything is quiet and thoughts consume you.
i want to believe that not every man is like this but i feel so scarred by my experience that the idea makes me petrified.
We only lived in this home together for about 3 months prior to the knock, we'd just moved into a three bed for our expanding family- we had separate bedrooms so I just don't enter the one he used to occupy. I'm slowly getting rid of his things a bag at a time as I don't drive to take everything to the skip and I'm hoping once it's all cleared I will feel better.
i had decorated the nursery perfectly and I think letting go of the dream I had of her childhood in this perfect room would crush me so I don't think moving would make me feel any better- it would just intensify the feeling off loss? If that makes any sense.
i think I'm clinging to anything that I previously had thought would be a part of my future for dear life since the majority is gone- he worked 16 hours a day so I very seldom saw him in this house so it still feels like 'just mine'
I just want to feel like everything is good and happy again. But I don't know when that will come. I'm doing so much to make myself 'better'. I journal, I leave the house everyday to go on scenic walks, I plan fun trips for my daughter, I make nourishing food, I spend time with family and friends and surround myself with lovely people, I exercise, I keep myself busy, I'm starting a nursing and midwifery course to get a career my daughter would be proud of however I still feel so unwell mentally from the situation.
im trying not to wallow in self pity but it's incredibly hard. I have such a beautiful life now, and I should be grateful, I should be getting better but I'm not and it's frustrating because I'm trying so hard! I'm 21 (my ex b is 28) I feel like I'm wasting away precious time being hurt when I should be enjoying myself :/
i havent managed to get any support for feelings or ptsd- through the court and constant monitoring of SS I felt if i wavered even slightly mentally that they might think i wasnt worthy of keeping my daughter or stable enough.
i was scared completely through the entire battle as at the beginning they believed i knew and had still continued with having a child with a SO however they found out very quickly via the police I had no knowledge. However, at the beginning they were steadfast in assuming i wasnt going to safeguard her well enough and there were talks of taking her into care so i put myself on the backburner and stayed as 'strong' as i could outwardly.
they closed the case several months early and now i have free reign to seek mental health support however im nervous if i seek help that may involve them again? I have no idea how it works to be honest
i desperately want some mental health support. I would like to be better for my daughter. I never take out the situation on her or would ever and im always smiley and happy for her but when she goes to bed it's the hardest- when everything is quiet and thoughts consume you.
i want to believe that not every man is like this but i feel so scarred by my experience that the idea makes me petrified.
We only lived in this home together for about 3 months prior to the knock, we'd just moved into a three bed for our expanding family- we had separate bedrooms so I just don't enter the one he used to occupy. I'm slowly getting rid of his things a bag at a time as I don't drive to take everything to the skip and I'm hoping once it's all cleared I will feel better.
i had decorated the nursery perfectly and I think letting go of the dream I had of her childhood in this perfect room would crush me so I don't think moving would make me feel any better- it would just intensify the feeling off loss? If that makes any sense.
i think I'm clinging to anything that I previously had thought would be a part of my future for dear life since the majority is gone- he worked 16 hours a day so I very seldom saw him in this house so it still feels like 'just mine'
I just want to feel like everything is good and happy again. But I don't know when that will come. I'm doing so much to make myself 'better'. I journal, I leave the house everyday to go on scenic walks, I plan fun trips for my daughter, I make nourishing food, I spend time with family and friends and surround myself with lovely people, I exercise, I keep myself busy, I'm starting a nursing and midwifery course to get a career my daughter would be proud of however I still feel so unwell mentally from the situation.
im trying not to wallow in self pity but it's incredibly hard. I have such a beautiful life now, and I should be grateful, I should be getting better but I'm not and it's frustrating because I'm trying so hard! I'm 21 (my ex b is 28) I feel like I'm wasting away precious time being hurt when I should be enjoying myself :/
You really sound like you need to talk to a professional. I was very sceptical about counselling which is why it took me over 12 months. We spoke about lots of things and not just the offending. One thing that stuck with me was she said I was grieving - grieving a life that I thought I was going to have. But we can't talk about this grief.
You sound like you ate doing all the right things - keeping busy, fresh air and exercise, good food. I wish there was a magic wand but unfortunately the process of getting back to a new normal is a bit of a rollercoaster
You sound like you ate doing all the right things - keeping busy, fresh air and exercise, good food. I wish there was a magic wand but unfortunately the process of getting back to a new normal is a bit of a rollercoaster
Do you have any suggestions for where I should start with accessing mental health support? I don't currently have the finances for any privatised mental health services so do I just go to my gp?
is the counselling on here a good option? Should I go down both routes?
I think just the unknown is what's making me nervous but I'm so ready for a step forwards that I'm willing to try.
I am absolutely grieving but it's almost like nobody understands as everyone in the periferal just sees it as 'bad person who has always been bad undercover' instead of 'a person who was meant to be my future has turned into a bad person' my future life is gone and so is my person and man who was meant to be the father to my daughter.
how did you find the counselling if that's not to personal to ask? Has it helped do you think?
is the counselling on here a good option? Should I go down both routes?
I think just the unknown is what's making me nervous but I'm so ready for a step forwards that I'm willing to try.
I am absolutely grieving but it's almost like nobody understands as everyone in the periferal just sees it as 'bad person who has always been bad undercover' instead of 'a person who was meant to be my future has turned into a bad person' my future life is gone and so is my person and man who was meant to be the father to my daughter.
how did you find the counselling if that's not to personal to ask? Has it helped do you think?
Hiya, you could start with looking into the Inform course, and Acts Fast, Talking Forward, Co-Counselling CCI, and, if you are in the south west, Circles South West. They will all be supportive, though not providing specific help with ptsd, and I am sure you would find any of them helpful.
You have done incredibly well so far and you need to hang onto that. You have been through the worse of it.. your ex being convicted, being taken to court by SS. Of course your body won't forget this easily.. those feelings will linger for a long time. Just take it one step at a time, I had therapy for anxiety and one of the therapists said...thoughts are just thoughts.. it doesn't mean they are a reality. Just concentrate on yourself and your baby, there isn't anything anybody can do to you now. When something triggers you...breathe through it and remind yourself 'I'm ok' x
Hi lovelies
i just wanted to say I've reached out and booked an appointment with my GP for some mental health support and to see what is available.
I know I need professional help so I've bit the bullet, I really hope it goes well.
thankyou for your kind words they've meant a lot- I wish I could have seen this community when it all first happened
i just wanted to ask if it's been a while for anyone e.g several years since the knock- if you feel any better now? Or if it's still something that lingers in everyday life
I think about all of it everyday and I think I just need to hear that it gets easier to cope with or if it becomes background noise
the road forwards feels so long it'll be 9 months since the knock in a week and it still makes me feel like it was yesterday
does anyone have any positive stories/outcomes
i just wanted to say I've reached out and booked an appointment with my GP for some mental health support and to see what is available.
I know I need professional help so I've bit the bullet, I really hope it goes well.
thankyou for your kind words they've meant a lot- I wish I could have seen this community when it all first happened
i just wanted to ask if it's been a while for anyone e.g several years since the knock- if you feel any better now? Or if it's still something that lingers in everyday life
I think about all of it everyday and I think I just need to hear that it gets easier to cope with or if it becomes background noise
the road forwards feels so long it'll be 9 months since the knock in a week and it still makes me feel like it was yesterday
does anyone have any positive stories/outcomes
It's been 3 years since the knock for me. My OH's offence didn't involve iioc- it was communication so he was given a non custodial sentence and wasn't asked to sign the SOR or given an SHPO. This made SS come down on me even worse- they saw it as more of a concern that there were no legal restrictions on him. They took us through PLO aswell. I don't think I'll ever fully recover from it all- they completely ended their involvement in January. It does get easier over time as you adjust to living a more normal life again. My body was in constant fight or flight mode- the monthly core group meetings, announced/unannounced visits, knock on the door, an email, phone calls- looking back, I don't know how I got through it- but you do for the sake of the children. My daughter was on a CPP for 16 months, 16 months of living a restricted life that I'll never get back x
Hello, firstly I just want to offer my support to you. I am in the same boat as my soon-to-be-ex husband got the knock back in November last year and he was arrested for downloading IIOC at the address we lived in at the time. He didn't own up, but instead he let the both of us sit in the livingroom under caution while another 4 officers ransacked the house looking for devices. It happened in the later afternoon/early evening, and every time I see blue flashing lights, or when I see police walking around, every time there's a knock at the door, my anxiety shoots up and I have anxiety/panic attacks. It feels absolutely horrible. I am scared every time there is a bang or massive knock at the door in my place of work, I start panicking.
I literally don't know how much longer I can hold on.
I literally don't know how much longer I can hold on.
