How bad is it and could my future be ruined???
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I found out today that my partner of 14 months has been under investigation. I saw a letter come through the post which was a notice of criminal charges. eventually his aunt told me that in 2023 he was arrested after talking to a 15 year old girl in a sexual manner as she had said she was older. He was around 22 at the time. Apparently they never met. I was in so much shock, i just left the house and haven't been able to ask questions. We have been on holiday lots and had no issues getting in or out of countries so i'm not sure if that means anything.
His mental health is poor (and in hindsight, i think the stress of this situation has been the cause) so he won't answer anything more until his parents are back from holiday on Sunday evening.
I don't know what to believe at the moment, and i don't know everything i want or need to know. i trust him and never had concerns, but also never expected this. I'm in so much shock and I am worried for our future. I was about to train to be a professional where a clean DBS is very much important. I don't know if staying in a relationship with him would risk my career. If it was genuinely a mistake then I could move on from that, but i'm mindful I don't know enough and the CPS must think there is enough evidence for him to attend court.
We don't have children together, but I am worried if we did in the future, the impacts that could have. I feel like my whole life has been flipped on its head and i don't want to do the wrong thing.
I love him but I want my career and don't want to jeopardise that.
His mental health is poor (and in hindsight, i think the stress of this situation has been the cause) so he won't answer anything more until his parents are back from holiday on Sunday evening.
I don't know what to believe at the moment, and i don't know everything i want or need to know. i trust him and never had concerns, but also never expected this. I'm in so much shock and I am worried for our future. I was about to train to be a professional where a clean DBS is very much important. I don't know if staying in a relationship with him would risk my career. If it was genuinely a mistake then I could move on from that, but i'm mindful I don't know enough and the CPS must think there is enough evidence for him to attend court.
We don't have children together, but I am worried if we did in the future, the impacts that could have. I feel like my whole life has been flipped on its head and i don't want to do the wrong thing.
I love him but I want my career and don't want to jeopardise that.
With regard to your DBS question. It should not be possible for an employer to discriminate against you, just because your partner has a conviction (assuming it comes to that).
But you would probably have to disclose his conviction to them, because of safeguarding rules.
But you would probably have to disclose his conviction to them, because of safeguarding rules.
in my opinion,
leave
leave
leave!
14 months is not very long with a person and this can potentially affect your whole life. The heartbreak you will feel now will be nothing compared to the long term anxiety. You will 100% meet someone else. It's unlikely criminal charges have been brought if it was evident he was misled about her age. It's the usual defense. Honestly send them a text to say because of what happened you have to move on. It's not worth it.
leave
leave
leave!
14 months is not very long with a person and this can potentially affect your whole life. The heartbreak you will feel now will be nothing compared to the long term anxiety. You will 100% meet someone else. It's unlikely criminal charges have been brought if it was evident he was misled about her age. It's the usual defense. Honestly send them a text to say because of what happened you have to move on. It's not worth it.
I have agreed about leaving I'm afraid. I did it after over 35 years of being together. The lies never seemed to stop and I didn't want it to affect my quality of life going forward
Best decision and I have zero regrets.
Best decision and I have zero regrets.
I've just re-read yur post and don't see anywhere that you've asked for advice, just a pouring out of your confusion and feelings which are understandable. In my opinion you can't reliably make a big decision like this, whether to stay or to leave, on the strength of some personal stories from people who don't know you or your partner - although of course they are entitled to hold their own opinions and have their own experiences. Do you have someone who knows you well and if possible your partner too, who you could talk to about this? I know it's a risk and people do lose friends by sharing with someone who they thought would be supportive but it proved otherwise. However it is a heavy load to carry alone and don't forget there is a helpline on here who can listen non judgmentally.
All I can say is that you probably need some more information which needs your partner to be honest and open with you. I don't ascribe to the view that all men lie when they claim the defence of thinking a girl was older, although obviously some might especially in the early days when they are full of shame and fear. Ignorance is no defence so the CPS would propbably still choose to charge even if they thought that ignorance was involved as they want a conviction. It is this need to know the truth but never sure we're getting it that causes so much anguish to us but as your person has reached the charging stage you are in a much better place to find out the exact details of his offence than if he was still being investigated. Does he have a solicitor as you could ask to be given full disclosure and see the exact charges and hear what the solicitor knows if there aren't any details in the charging letter. Is he planning to plead guilty or not guilty?
The advice often given here that is most helpful is to NOT make hasty decisions and even if you do, you can always change your mind. I know that's not much help and it is such a painful place to be, but only you know what you can cope with and what your relationship was like.
Do keep posting in this forum if it all gets too much for you. Sending you a big supportive hug x
All I can say is that you probably need some more information which needs your partner to be honest and open with you. I don't ascribe to the view that all men lie when they claim the defence of thinking a girl was older, although obviously some might especially in the early days when they are full of shame and fear. Ignorance is no defence so the CPS would propbably still choose to charge even if they thought that ignorance was involved as they want a conviction. It is this need to know the truth but never sure we're getting it that causes so much anguish to us but as your person has reached the charging stage you are in a much better place to find out the exact details of his offence than if he was still being investigated. Does he have a solicitor as you could ask to be given full disclosure and see the exact charges and hear what the solicitor knows if there aren't any details in the charging letter. Is he planning to plead guilty or not guilty?
The advice often given here that is most helpful is to NOT make hasty decisions and even if you do, you can always change your mind. I know that's not much help and it is such a painful place to be, but only you know what you can cope with and what your relationship was like.
Do keep posting in this forum if it all gets too much for you. Sending you a big supportive hug x
