Eight weeks since the knock - I need advice
Notifications OFF
Hello,
I live in Sweden and eight weeks ago "the knock" happened to me. My husband, as well as his computer and other devices, was taken away in front of me, our baby and our older children. As you can understand - my life is shattered and now I'm trying to survive one day at a time.
My husband has been watching CSAM. He doesn't really understand why, since he doesn't feel attracted to children, but somehow it gave him a kick of some sort. He has been struggling with exhaustion syndrome and probably some depression for a few years. I don't know if that has contributed. He think it all started when he saw it on a regular porn site, and after that he started downloading videos, and he couldn't stop.
I don't understand anything. My brain wants to comprehend, but fails over and over again. I'm disgusted, I feel betrayed, I grieve our old life as well as the future we will never have, and I feel so afraid when thinking about the future and how our children will be affected. He has been an amazing father and supporting husband. We were such a strong team!
We live in a really small town and he will never be able to keep his career. His university degree is now essentialy worthless and he has already lost his job, after talking to his boss.The rumours will spread. It might already be out there.
At first I was convinced I would get a divorce (we filed for one as well as single custody), but I really don't want to. I still love him, he is already in therapy, and if he doesn't go to prison, I would like him to live with us. Right now he stays with us a few days a week (I really need him to help me) and at other places the rest of the week. I don't understand how it can work - practically though. Do you have any tips?
I don't want to tell everyone (some people already know), but I don't want the children to loose their friends. Right now he is never home when they have friends over and I go to their activities. How do you do it if you have chosen to stay with your partner?
Some friends and family will support my decision if I decide to stay with him, but many will not.
How do I protect my children from rumours, speculation and harassment?
How can my husband ever find work, when his crime will be connected to his namn and available for anyone to see on the internet?
How do I survive?
I live in Sweden and eight weeks ago "the knock" happened to me. My husband, as well as his computer and other devices, was taken away in front of me, our baby and our older children. As you can understand - my life is shattered and now I'm trying to survive one day at a time.
My husband has been watching CSAM. He doesn't really understand why, since he doesn't feel attracted to children, but somehow it gave him a kick of some sort. He has been struggling with exhaustion syndrome and probably some depression for a few years. I don't know if that has contributed. He think it all started when he saw it on a regular porn site, and after that he started downloading videos, and he couldn't stop.
I don't understand anything. My brain wants to comprehend, but fails over and over again. I'm disgusted, I feel betrayed, I grieve our old life as well as the future we will never have, and I feel so afraid when thinking about the future and how our children will be affected. He has been an amazing father and supporting husband. We were such a strong team!
We live in a really small town and he will never be able to keep his career. His university degree is now essentialy worthless and he has already lost his job, after talking to his boss.The rumours will spread. It might already be out there.
At first I was convinced I would get a divorce (we filed for one as well as single custody), but I really don't want to. I still love him, he is already in therapy, and if he doesn't go to prison, I would like him to live with us. Right now he stays with us a few days a week (I really need him to help me) and at other places the rest of the week. I don't understand how it can work - practically though. Do you have any tips?
I don't want to tell everyone (some people already know), but I don't want the children to loose their friends. Right now he is never home when they have friends over and I go to their activities. How do you do it if you have chosen to stay with your partner?
Some friends and family will support my decision if I decide to stay with him, but many will not.
How do I protect my children from rumours, speculation and harassment?
How can my husband ever find work, when his crime will be connected to his namn and available for anyone to see on the internet?
How do I survive?
Sorry you find yourself in this awful situation. It's heartbreaking for all involved. Different situation for me, my young son is the offender, but I found this article (and lots others linked on different threads of the forum that you can search for) really helpful in understanding why SOME men might offend:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/apr/05/i-didnt-start-out-wanting-to-see-kids-are-porn-algorithms-feeding-a-generation-of-paedophiles-or-creating-one
I can't offer much advice on what to do but having read a lot on here, I don't think you have to rush to decide. It's complicated and everyone's situation and circumstances are different so it's a very personal choice. There are lots of examples on here of those who've been given a second chance and families who've made it work. Wishing you all the best. It's so tough but you're not alone.
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2025/apr/05/i-didnt-start-out-wanting-to-see-kids-are-porn-algorithms-feeding-a-generation-of-paedophiles-or-creating-one
I can't offer much advice on what to do but having read a lot on here, I don't think you have to rush to decide. It's complicated and everyone's situation and circumstances are different so it's a very personal choice. There are lots of examples on here of those who've been given a second chance and families who've made it work. Wishing you all the best. It's so tough but you're not alone.
Sorry you're hear. In 2024 I got the knock. My daughter was a baby and I was in the pit of PPD. At the time he said he didnt know why he did it, that he had no sexual desire for children and hated himself (my parents and his parents shouted a lot at him because no one could understand how you can look at that stuff without having an interest). But part of me wonders if he was scared to discuss it because within a couple of weeks of therapy he opened up more and more about the why.
My husdband is addicted to porn. He has worked with a therapist since his arrest to work through how he got addicted and why he got addicted and why his addiction went from looking at porn to looking at IIOCs. Its taken till now for us to be able to live together. He is serving a 2 year prison sentence as a suspended sentence. He will be on the register for 10 years and a SHPO for 5 years. My biggest fear now im home is people will find out through her nursery due to safeguarding protocols. And despite them having a duty to not talk, they could. Ive done everything to make sure my daughters life has been a happy one. That her innocence isnt tarnished by his stupidity.
My husdband is addicted to porn. He has worked with a therapist since his arrest to work through how he got addicted and why he got addicted and why his addiction went from looking at porn to looking at IIOCs. Its taken till now for us to be able to live together. He is serving a 2 year prison sentence as a suspended sentence. He will be on the register for 10 years and a SHPO for 5 years. My biggest fear now im home is people will find out through her nursery due to safeguarding protocols. And despite them having a duty to not talk, they could. Ive done everything to make sure my daughters life has been a happy one. That her innocence isnt tarnished by his stupidity.
I was in exactly the same position as you, a million thoughts racing through my head all day. Why did he do this? He's not the person I thought he was, how will we get through it, how will life change, will people find out. What will I say to the kids.
It turns your whole life upside down and rips it apart. I've gone through disbelief, anger and just about every emotion as you will. I am 2 years post knock and these feelings haven't gone. I initially left the marriage. We tried to work it out but I found it too difficult. Life has changed too much, my ex got 7 months suspended, 10 yr SOR and 10yr SHPO. Internet based only.
When I look at him I just don't see how he could have done this. I'm so disappointed in him and that anger and disappointment has built up over the 2 years and if anything has become more stronger.
Some people stay and work things out. Some people go, it's for you to decide. It's your journey
It turns your whole life upside down and rips it apart. I've gone through disbelief, anger and just about every emotion as you will. I am 2 years post knock and these feelings haven't gone. I initially left the marriage. We tried to work it out but I found it too difficult. Life has changed too much, my ex got 7 months suspended, 10 yr SOR and 10yr SHPO. Internet based only.
When I look at him I just don't see how he could have done this. I'm so disappointed in him and that anger and disappointment has built up over the 2 years and if anything has become more stronger.
Some people stay and work things out. Some people go, it's for you to decide. It's your journey
My advice take each day as it comes
My person was arrested in January for iioc no charges yet our youngest is 10
Police advised us only tell ppl on a need to know base keep it as confidential as possible
School aware he was still allowed to do pick up with me school was very supportive.
Is there any bail conditions mines not allowed under supervise contact with under 18 so he cant stay at home because I cant supervise asleep just make sure hes following them
Have u had contact from social services yet, explain you no the risk and u can safe guard kids etc.
Good luck
My person was arrested in January for iioc no charges yet our youngest is 10
Police advised us only tell ppl on a need to know base keep it as confidential as possible
School aware he was still allowed to do pick up with me school was very supportive.
Is there any bail conditions mines not allowed under supervise contact with under 18 so he cant stay at home because I cant supervise asleep just make sure hes following them
Have u had contact from social services yet, explain you no the risk and u can safe guard kids etc.
Good luck
