This isn't my firstpost here but since my first post everything has imploded. Thos is a long long rant but I needed to tell someone to get it out yo get input from someone who may understand.

I need advice. My husband was arrested january last year the knock at 4am and at the time my first instinct was to leave but i was froxen numb. My then 17 year old daughter begged me to stay and as I was unemployed at the time,I had no where to go, how could I tell anyone ? So I stayed deciding that was the best way to support her and provide for her.

I tried to make it work I've tried so hard and I still love him. I just couldn't get my head round this other person that is nothing like the man I have been married to for 30 years.



A couplr of days later I found him in his office having already written his sucide note, i was so scared and immediately got him in contact with the crisis team. He went in to therapy immediately and worked hard at it every option there was available including rehab he completed. With therapy he opened up to me about abuse he had suffered as a child which I never knew about, emotional, physical and sexual. He admitted to a long term drinking problem and porn addiction I wasn't even aware of and immediately stopped both the day he was arrested, doing everything he could to get well again. He was also diagnosed with ADHD, ASD and BPD. I couldn't forgive what he had done but I could understand how he got to the point he had as could our daughter she said. Our daughter started therapy which really helped her. So did I but after a few sessions it wasn't helping and was just pointless so I stopped.



I could pretend that it hadn't happened the majority of the time and try to carry on as normal.



That August he was rearrested after they found AI generated pictures involving my niece. Our daughter wasn't home when he was rearrested so we never told her. I made the decision not to tell her about my niece because I didn't want her to have those mental images and that guilt in her head and she had made the decision to support her dad and i didn't want her to feel guilty for that. My family disowned me for not leaving him and I cut myself off from my friends incase they found out and hated / blamed me. but although I had a job by then I still had nowhere to go and don't earn enough to support my daughter and myself and if she was supporting him then I couldnt leave her as well as him also his medical insurance from work was paying for her therapy which she desperately needed.



6 weeks later she left for university. I tried to make my marriage work. I could keep focused on other things and try to pretend that 1 day had never happened and at times i could even forget for a short time.



My daughter became my focus and my whole world. She immediately started struggling with how much I was contacting her etc and did try to tell me but I didn't get it and couldn't help myself. By January this year I was at breaking point with the stress and perimenopause and issues I was having at work and restarted therapy with a new therapist. I was referred for assessment and diagnosed with ASD and ADHD.



The therapy has helped but keeps getting stuck on my husbands issues which I can't start to process because he still hasn't even been charged and my absolute terror of being alone and destitute (longstanding historic abandonment and financial security issues).



It felt like things were turning around.



Then he was up for possible redundancy and as a Family we decided that taking voluntary redundancy was a wise move to give us a nest egg should the worst happen and he go to prison. It would give us money to survive and pay the bills. Over the last few months our relationship with our daughter has slowly broken down.I was so stressed with not knowing if my husband would find a new job and was having more issues at work myself that meant I could possibly lose my job. I was struggling in every way possible including suicidal thoughts even going as far as planning out options.



Every time my daughter tried to speak to me or get some distance I would lose my temper and we'd end up arguing. I'd then break down at home when she wasn't around, in a full meltdown which got worse and worse every time and I started self harming during these meltdowns which my husband always stopped me before I could actually do myself any harm. He was wonderful but every time I would see him struggling with the guilt and he's talk about how it was all his fault and he'd spend the rest of his life trying to make amends. He would start to talk about how I am the only reason he hadn't killed himself and how ever time he starts to spiral he uses a technique he learnt in therapy of holding on to a positive future image and his was us old and retired sat on the patio surrounded by dogs i wanted that image so much as well. I felt so scared that me not handling things was piling the guilt on him and I would push him over the edge. I don't think he was doing it intentionally to manipulate me just he was being honest about his own struggles. So I would lock everything in a box and carry on trying to get through 1 day at a time, i wanted to hate him but i couldn't and i felt so guilty for that like i was responsible or condoning his actions.



This all lead to a big row with my daughter at the end of June where she stormed out and went to a family members house. In a panic i followed her there trying to speak to her but she refused to speak to me when I tried to explain what has been going on in my head she accused me of being manipulative but i wasn't i was trying to explain to make her understand that id tried to do what i thought was best for her.



I ended up standing on a motorway bridge and only didn't jump because my husband called me in a panic after seeing where I was on our tracking app.



3 week later she sent us an email saying she needed space and not to contact her and she could never forgive her dad. This broke me and I again had a melt down and my husband had to restrain me. But again this morphed to his guilt and his vision. So I locked it down i tried to give my daughter space but I wasn't sleeping. I sent her occasional Facebook reels do she didnt forget me but she gave no reply no contact at all. I've broken down several times in the last 2 months but have tried to keep working on my therapy to try and fix my issues so I can try and repair my relationship with my daughter. This week she started cutting all ties. Removing herself from netflix etc and that really hurt and I had another meltdown last night after finding she had blocked me on social media, I started to think about reaching out asking her to attend therapy with me to try to mediate.



Before I could do that I received an email from her today. She had been in contact with family who had told her about the pictures of my niece. They told her alot of things the police had told them that I haven't been told. In fact other than telling me what he was being arrested for and that there were ai images of my niece I have been told nothing by the police. The police told them that he was planning on pleading not guilty and had been uncompetitive in his interview, he has always told me that he will plead guilty and he gave the police all his passwords etc but did not answer questions on advice from his solicitor. She never wants any contact with us ever again and has threatened to press charges against me…im not sure for what. I don't know who to believe but the thought of losing my daughter was to much. I had a full on melt down hurting myself and tried to stab myself. My husband restrained me and helped calm me but again there was his guilt his vision. But I just couldn't be responsible for his guilt any more. I couldn't carry on with the pain I have been living with the isolation the fear. I told him i couldn't carryon like this and it was to hard to stay. He agreed that if it give me a chance of having any relationship with my daughter it was withoutbhim No matter how much i still love him i just can't do it any longer. I ended up calling my mum and packing a bag. He has offered to leave or stay or do what ever I want. For us to try and stay friends to work through this.



I don't know what to do now though I feel totally broken and there must be something wrong with me because all I want is to go home and go back to him and for him to cuddle me and make me feel better and safe even if it is an illusion abdbim fooling myself but I know i can't i know that staying will kill me and ill lose my daughter forever. I don't know how I can move on what I can do now. I can't stay at my mums long term but I can't afford somewhere of my own and still pay the mortgage. I've lost my house, my family everything and I did nothing wrong I was trying to do what I could to support my daughter i eas doing what i thought was forbthe best abd im being punished. How do I leave someone I love but I know I can't be with any longer. Im so scared of being alone of where I'll live of not waking up with my best friend my only friend every day.

I can't see what tomorrow could possibly look like and im so scared.