1st arrest sex offenders register, 2nd arrest NFA
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I am looking for advice from anyone who has been through something similar. When I was 20 I became pregnant with my then 27 yo boyfriend. I moved in with him. When I was eight months pregnant, I found an old phone in his wardrobe containing an indecent image of a very young prepubescent girl. I was horrified but initially kept it to myself because I wanted to know whether it was an isolated incident.
Over approximately the next two years, I found small numbers of indecent images of children on several different devices. It was never a huge collection when I found them, usually a few images at a time, but it happened repeatedly. They were always girls, mainly prepubescent children and sometimes very young children or toddlers. Lowest category.
There was also a lot of different adult sexual material on his devices, so the images of children appeared amongst a much broader range of sexual content.
When I eventually confronted him, he blamed his drug use. He said he didn’t know why he had searched for these things and that drugs made him do stupid things.
Eventually I found more images and reported him to the police. I left the relationship at the same time. He was arrested, his devices were seized and he was placed on the Sex Offenders Register for a 2 years. He was also not allowed unsupervised contact with children, including our son.
I was incredibly alone during this period because I am originally from another country and had no family here supporting me. I had previously even shown his sister what I had found because she had a baby daughter herself, but nothing really came of it. I felt like I was the only person prepared to take the situation seriously.
Eventually his restrictions ended. He told me he had received therapy and maintained that the behaviour had been caused by drugs. Over time, contact with our son gradually increased and eventually we shared his care.
Life continued for around 12 years.
Then six months ago, the police knocked on my door and told me that my son’s father had been arrested again for suspected indecent images of children.
His current partner, with whom he has recently had another child, had apparently discovered images on some of his old phones stored in their house.
This time he denied that the images belonged to him. He said the phones had been stored in the house, other people could have accessed them and he didn’t know how the images got there.
He was on bail for approximately three months and eventually the investigation ended with no further action.
I understand that no further action means he has not been convicted of anything in relation to this latest investigation, and I don’t know what evidence the police had.
However, because of what I personally witnessed all those years ago, I am finding it extremely difficult simply to accept that there is nothing to worry about. I repeatedly found similar images myself on different devices over a period of years, and back then he blamed drugs rather than saying they weren’t his.
The recent investigation also had a terrible effect on our son, who is now 15. He couldn’t see his dad for several weeks and became extremely upset and anxious. Since contact resumed, he is much happier because he loves his dad and clearly wants him in his life.
My son is a very gentle soul. We are close and he knows that his wellbeing and happiness are my priority. He trusts me and I believe that if I explained why I wanted to reduce and structure contact, he would understand. At the same time, I don’t think he fully grasps the seriousness of the situation.
Since the investigation ended, his father’s attitude towards me has completely changed. He now refuses to communicate with me and contacts our son directly whenever he wants him to come over. I don’t think our 15 year old should be responsible for arranging contact between his parents.
I am also concerned because his current partner told me that his drug use has continued.
His partner has now taken him back and his family appear to be carrying on as normal. His sister apparently even blamed his current partner for reporting him and causing problems. Once again, I feel like I am the only person who isn’t comfortable simply pretending nothing has happened.
I have now arranged mediation because I want proper boundaries around contact.
I am considering proposing no overnight stays for the foreseeable future and daytime contact every other weekend, with arrangements being made between the adults rather than directly through our son.
I am not trying to take his father away from him. I know how much my son loves his dad and I want them to have a relationship if it can be safe and healthy.
I am also extremely angry with his father for putting our son through this again, so I am trying very hard to separate my anger from decisions about what is actually best for my child.
Am I being reasonable?
Given the previous conviction, the recent investigation ending in no further action, the reported continued drug use and the fact that my son is only 15, would you consider no overnight stays and structured daytime contact every other weekend a reasonable boundary?
I also have another concern that I don’t really know how to deal with. More people now know about the recent arrest. His current partner has apparently spoken to people in their work environment, and I have no idea how far that information may have travelled. I worry about gossip eventually reaching people connected to my son and whether being associated with his dad could affect him as he gets older. None of this is my son’s responsibility and I desperately don’t want him carrying shame or judgement because of something his father has done. Sometimes I honestly wish I could take my son, move somewhere completely new and start again where nobody knows any of this, although I know life isn’t that simple.
I feel completely overwhelmed by the whole situation. Sometimes I genuinely can’t tell whether I’m overreacting, underreacting or whether I’ve simply been dealing with this for so long that I’ve lost perspective.
Over approximately the next two years, I found small numbers of indecent images of children on several different devices. It was never a huge collection when I found them, usually a few images at a time, but it happened repeatedly. They were always girls, mainly prepubescent children and sometimes very young children or toddlers. Lowest category.
There was also a lot of different adult sexual material on his devices, so the images of children appeared amongst a much broader range of sexual content.
When I eventually confronted him, he blamed his drug use. He said he didn’t know why he had searched for these things and that drugs made him do stupid things.
Eventually I found more images and reported him to the police. I left the relationship at the same time. He was arrested, his devices were seized and he was placed on the Sex Offenders Register for a 2 years. He was also not allowed unsupervised contact with children, including our son.
I was incredibly alone during this period because I am originally from another country and had no family here supporting me. I had previously even shown his sister what I had found because she had a baby daughter herself, but nothing really came of it. I felt like I was the only person prepared to take the situation seriously.
Eventually his restrictions ended. He told me he had received therapy and maintained that the behaviour had been caused by drugs. Over time, contact with our son gradually increased and eventually we shared his care.
Life continued for around 12 years.
Then six months ago, the police knocked on my door and told me that my son’s father had been arrested again for suspected indecent images of children.
His current partner, with whom he has recently had another child, had apparently discovered images on some of his old phones stored in their house.
This time he denied that the images belonged to him. He said the phones had been stored in the house, other people could have accessed them and he didn’t know how the images got there.
He was on bail for approximately three months and eventually the investigation ended with no further action.
I understand that no further action means he has not been convicted of anything in relation to this latest investigation, and I don’t know what evidence the police had.
However, because of what I personally witnessed all those years ago, I am finding it extremely difficult simply to accept that there is nothing to worry about. I repeatedly found similar images myself on different devices over a period of years, and back then he blamed drugs rather than saying they weren’t his.
The recent investigation also had a terrible effect on our son, who is now 15. He couldn’t see his dad for several weeks and became extremely upset and anxious. Since contact resumed, he is much happier because he loves his dad and clearly wants him in his life.
My son is a very gentle soul. We are close and he knows that his wellbeing and happiness are my priority. He trusts me and I believe that if I explained why I wanted to reduce and structure contact, he would understand. At the same time, I don’t think he fully grasps the seriousness of the situation.
Since the investigation ended, his father’s attitude towards me has completely changed. He now refuses to communicate with me and contacts our son directly whenever he wants him to come over. I don’t think our 15 year old should be responsible for arranging contact between his parents.
I am also concerned because his current partner told me that his drug use has continued.
His partner has now taken him back and his family appear to be carrying on as normal. His sister apparently even blamed his current partner for reporting him and causing problems. Once again, I feel like I am the only person who isn’t comfortable simply pretending nothing has happened.
I have now arranged mediation because I want proper boundaries around contact.
I am considering proposing no overnight stays for the foreseeable future and daytime contact every other weekend, with arrangements being made between the adults rather than directly through our son.
I am not trying to take his father away from him. I know how much my son loves his dad and I want them to have a relationship if it can be safe and healthy.
I am also extremely angry with his father for putting our son through this again, so I am trying very hard to separate my anger from decisions about what is actually best for my child.
Am I being reasonable?
Given the previous conviction, the recent investigation ending in no further action, the reported continued drug use and the fact that my son is only 15, would you consider no overnight stays and structured daytime contact every other weekend a reasonable boundary?
I also have another concern that I don’t really know how to deal with. More people now know about the recent arrest. His current partner has apparently spoken to people in their work environment, and I have no idea how far that information may have travelled. I worry about gossip eventually reaching people connected to my son and whether being associated with his dad could affect him as he gets older. None of this is my son’s responsibility and I desperately don’t want him carrying shame or judgement because of something his father has done. Sometimes I honestly wish I could take my son, move somewhere completely new and start again where nobody knows any of this, although I know life isn’t that simple.
I feel completely overwhelmed by the whole situation. Sometimes I genuinely can’t tell whether I’m overreacting, underreacting or whether I’ve simply been dealing with this for so long that I’ve lost perspective.
You are being completely reasonable. You want to protect your son from the actions and the risks his dad poses whilst still maintaining contact as this is what your son wants and is in his best interest. However this pattern of repeat behaviour is very worrying and im surprised social services have not had more involvement with safety plans and assessments especially as there is also drug use mentioned and this would be a second referral if dad has been investigated before. I would try explain to your son in an age appropriate way before he is likely to find out via gossip or figuring out first himself. He will likely sense tension in the co-parent relationship and pick up on mum being anxious, and you don't want this to turn into bad guy vs good guy. Or him think that you've lied to him or hidden things from him. I would explain if/when they ask; that his dad did something in the past that you're not supposed to do and can mean children getting hurt (you can go into relevant understanding and level of detail as appropriate for your child) and that unfortunately dad has made another mistake and that you are worried that this may put your son at risk (again explain that at whatever level you need to be honest but only necessary details). That way you are not lying to your son, you are protecting them by making them aware of the risks and could use it as an online safety conversation. Remember to say that both will always love him and be his parents and explain that it comes from a place of concern and their best interests i.e. "I'm worried that if dad makes another mistake the police/courts/social workers/people who protect children may worry about him spending time with you and we might need to change to make it safer. Or people might find out he's done this, be upset about it and say bad things about him to you"
My child is a bit younger and already knows basics but finding the opportunity to add detail without upsetting them is tricky. But if you have a good relationship and it's coming from the place of "I want you to see your dad because you love each other, but I don't want you to get upset or in trouble or hurt; so we may need to make a few changes or put in rules to help". Also that they can always ask you questions, they haven't done anything wrong and that you will always love and support your child and if it's what they want you will support them seeing their dad.
Theres a real lack of guidance and help for children of offenders. It's a lot of pressure and responsibility on the non-offending parent too.
Rner You are a good mother trying your best in an impossible situation and this is no reflection on you or your parenting; you're stuck tidying up someone else's mess.
let us know how you get on xxxx
My child is a bit younger and already knows basics but finding the opportunity to add detail without upsetting them is tricky. But if you have a good relationship and it's coming from the place of "I want you to see your dad because you love each other, but I don't want you to get upset or in trouble or hurt; so we may need to make a few changes or put in rules to help". Also that they can always ask you questions, they haven't done anything wrong and that you will always love and support your child and if it's what they want you will support them seeing their dad.
Theres a real lack of guidance and help for children of offenders. It's a lot of pressure and responsibility on the non-offending parent too.
Rner You are a good mother trying your best in an impossible situation and this is no reflection on you or your parenting; you're stuck tidying up someone else's mess.
let us know how you get on xxxx
