My world changed 4 years ago yesterday. My Dad had just died and I remember feeling that this was the worst thing ever! Two days later, my husband had the knock and was arrested. He denied that he had downloaded child porn images. I told him that if it was true I would divorce him, he continued to deny anything and said it was a mistake by the police.

A year later, my husband took his life. I later found he had been to court pleaded guilty and was due to be sentenced the next day. I found the court papers and saw the charges against him - hundreds of category A, B and C images.

I chose not to tell a soul and to this day I have only told 2 people. My life has changed beyond all recognition. Im a widow but refuse to let this define me. I have just been on holiday to the Maldives, decorated my house to my taste and live life to the full.

Yes I am lonely, I cannot tell anyone this huge secret. I feel ashamed and cannot condone what my husband did, but how can I be angry with him when he took his life? He knew he had done wrong and payed the ultimate sacrifice.

I have not met anyone who has been in my situation and this is the worst part for me. I feel I dont fit into this forum as I did not get to decide whether to go or stay with him. I knew nothing about the court process, I just found it all out after he died.

I do not fit into the suicide forums as I do not want to share my story.

Sorry to ramble on, i am not asking for sympathy, I just feel the need to write down how far I have come and how much has changed since the knock 4 years ago .