Four years on from the knock
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My world changed 4 years ago yesterday. My Dad had just died and I remember feeling that this was the worst thing ever! Two days later, my husband had the knock and was arrested. He denied that he had downloaded child porn images. I told him that if it was true I would divorce him, he continued to deny anything and said it was a mistake by the police.
A year later, my husband took his life. I later found he had been to court pleaded guilty and was due to be sentenced the next day. I found the court papers and saw the charges against him - hundreds of category A, B and C images.
I chose not to tell a soul and to this day I have only told 2 people. My life has changed beyond all recognition. Im a widow but refuse to let this define me. I have just been on holiday to the Maldives, decorated my house to my taste and live life to the full.
Yes I am lonely, I cannot tell anyone this huge secret. I feel ashamed and cannot condone what my husband did, but how can I be angry with him when he took his life? He knew he had done wrong and payed the ultimate sacrifice.
I have not met anyone who has been in my situation and this is the worst part for me. I feel I dont fit into this forum as I did not get to decide whether to go or stay with him. I knew nothing about the court process, I just found it all out after he died.
I do not fit into the suicide forums as I do not want to share my story.
Sorry to ramble on, i am not asking for sympathy, I just feel the need to write down how far I have come and how much has changed since the knock 4 years ago .
A year later, my husband took his life. I later found he had been to court pleaded guilty and was due to be sentenced the next day. I found the court papers and saw the charges against him - hundreds of category A, B and C images.
I chose not to tell a soul and to this day I have only told 2 people. My life has changed beyond all recognition. Im a widow but refuse to let this define me. I have just been on holiday to the Maldives, decorated my house to my taste and live life to the full.
Yes I am lonely, I cannot tell anyone this huge secret. I feel ashamed and cannot condone what my husband did, but how can I be angry with him when he took his life? He knew he had done wrong and payed the ultimate sacrifice.
I have not met anyone who has been in my situation and this is the worst part for me. I feel I dont fit into this forum as I did not get to decide whether to go or stay with him. I knew nothing about the court process, I just found it all out after he died.
I do not fit into the suicide forums as I do not want to share my story.
Sorry to ramble on, i am not asking for sympathy, I just feel the need to write down how far I have come and how much has changed since the knock 4 years ago .
Wow. Bravo to you for posting. This secret we keep is a huge burden we should not have to hide away from. Suicide in these cases are very common. I believe the stats are as high as 25%. The shame of his offending and online behaviour is not yours to own. It is his to own whether he is here or not.
I am 19 months in, I am tired, drained, emotionally broken (at times) but this process will not beat me. My 3 children do not deserve any of this and my OH will have to face his demons.
Therapy is helping me. Did you try therapy? It would help release some of the burden you carry alone. Sending you much love.
I am 19 months in, I am tired, drained, emotionally broken (at times) but this process will not beat me. My 3 children do not deserve any of this and my OH will have to face his demons.
Therapy is helping me. Did you try therapy? It would help release some of the burden you carry alone. Sending you much love.
Hope you don't mind my private message x
For me it was the secrecy and lying that was the worst thing. Early in my now ex husband threatened suicide. I have thought from time to time that would have been the best thing - does that make me an awful person? I would have had to live with it but it might have saved his dear Mum the years of anguish and hurt.
He didn't do it. I knew it was an idle threat to try and make me stay.
4 years on and I can say I am truly happy and I'm sad that you are still holding this burden. I had counseling and whilst j was very skeptical it did work. I hope you can find some peace. You deserve it.
He didn't do it. I knew it was an idle threat to try and make me stay.
4 years on and I can say I am truly happy and I'm sad that you are still holding this burden. I had counseling and whilst j was very skeptical it did work. I hope you can find some peace. You deserve it.
