We got The Knock and my world is over
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Hi all,
In absolute desperate need of advise and please some hope.
We got the knock a few days ago - never what I expected, and NEVER expected it from my OH. I still don't believe it's real, of anyone i just don't get or see that in him.
He's been very open with me about the charges and we're expecting it'll be a prison sentence.
I have researched all the practical things - what is prison like, what are the registers, what do they limit. I went into robot mode.
But then I just cry. And cry and cry and cry. I haven't slept, I can't eat properly. I feel if this gets out because of the damn media, my life and reputation are over.
I have been assured this will not affect my work prospects at all. But my friends, family, the life I've built. Ive worked so hard to get to where I am, and it feels it's all collapsed.
I am disgusted by what he's done. And he will face the consequences of that. But already he's making steps to change and I truly believe he can. I've never seen him so broken. I know this is all his doing but I can't bear to see him lose everything.
If I stay with him, I could lose all my friends, my reputation, my ability to travel etc. I'm so scared for his future - his job prospects, getting insurance etc. Financially this could be awful. I know there's positive stories and people go back to employment and companies offer insurance with no asking. I know we could move and start again new, but I lose out. But I love him more than everything.
If I leave, I lose the love of my life, my stability, my person and my future. I can't imagine finding another person.
I feel lost and helpless and just so confused. Either way I'm about to lose everything. I just hope my friends will still support me.
Please can someone give me some hope. I feel so lost.
In absolute desperate need of advise and please some hope.
We got the knock a few days ago - never what I expected, and NEVER expected it from my OH. I still don't believe it's real, of anyone i just don't get or see that in him.
He's been very open with me about the charges and we're expecting it'll be a prison sentence.
I have researched all the practical things - what is prison like, what are the registers, what do they limit. I went into robot mode.
But then I just cry. And cry and cry and cry. I haven't slept, I can't eat properly. I feel if this gets out because of the damn media, my life and reputation are over.
I have been assured this will not affect my work prospects at all. But my friends, family, the life I've built. Ive worked so hard to get to where I am, and it feels it's all collapsed.
I am disgusted by what he's done. And he will face the consequences of that. But already he's making steps to change and I truly believe he can. I've never seen him so broken. I know this is all his doing but I can't bear to see him lose everything.
If I stay with him, I could lose all my friends, my reputation, my ability to travel etc. I'm so scared for his future - his job prospects, getting insurance etc. Financially this could be awful. I know there's positive stories and people go back to employment and companies offer insurance with no asking. I know we could move and start again new, but I lose out. But I love him more than everything.
If I leave, I lose the love of my life, my stability, my person and my future. I can't imagine finding another person.
I feel lost and helpless and just so confused. Either way I'm about to lose everything. I just hope my friends will still support me.
Please can someone give me some hope. I feel so lost.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I don't have any helpful advice other than to encourage you to try and get some professional help and support. Your nervous system has taken a huge hit and you deserve to be supported as you process this unimaginable situation. Speak to your GP about what services might be available to you and please be kind and gentle with yourself.
There is no rush to make any decision- especially one that could alter the course of your life.
Talk to someone. A trusted friend or a counselor.
I eventually made the decision to leave as I had the idea that the offending would never truly go away.
We are stronger than we think. Take each day as it comes. And be kind to yourself
Talk to someone. A trusted friend or a counselor.
I eventually made the decision to leave as I had the idea that the offending would never truly go away.
We are stronger than we think. Take each day as it comes. And be kind to yourself
Hi MermaidShell,
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it's good that you found the forum so soon and are reaching out for help.
Completely understand how you're feeling and the first few days are the worst. I went through all the same emotions.
As a previous poster said you don't need to make any decisions yet.
I would recommend reaching out to Talking Forward and looking into their support groups, they are amazing.
After the knock my husband ended up with NFA so there can be positive outcomes. Like you I spent days and hours at a time researching everything I possibly could. Of course I don't know your situation but custodial sentences aren't that common anymore.
Feel free to DM, I'd be happy to share any info that I can.
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but it's good that you found the forum so soon and are reaching out for help.
Completely understand how you're feeling and the first few days are the worst. I went through all the same emotions.
As a previous poster said you don't need to make any decisions yet.
I would recommend reaching out to Talking Forward and looking into their support groups, they are amazing.
After the knock my husband ended up with NFA so there can be positive outcomes. Like you I spent days and hours at a time researching everything I possibly could. Of course I don't know your situation but custodial sentences aren't that common anymore.
Feel free to DM, I'd be happy to share any info that I can.
You do not have to make any decisions any time soon. Depending on what he has done will depend if he goes to prison or not.
For example my husband was convicted of procession and distribution. He is serving a suspended sentence (if he commits any crime at all he goes to prison). We have a child so my life was heavily involved with social services (ss). He got a job before being sentenced which made it a lot easier as he was dismissed from his old job (he was arrested at work).
We have been careful with who we have told. But so far 99% have been really supportive the 1% are supportive but have asked for distance. Which we respect. Our case never went to the media which in greatful for as my daughter can maintain her bliss of having no idea.
We havent traveled yet or stayed anywhere but youll have a visor officer who can help you understand the limitations a bit better. He has no travel restrictions. But you do need to check T&Cs. TUI is a clear T&C that means you cant fly or go on holiday with them. Cruises are a no, no while being on the register. Places that have child centres holidays pkaces like centre Parks have policies too. So if VISOR was to check with them they can cancel your holiday and it will be non refundable. But people have gone on holiday. They may just be taken to one side for a minute (which ive haf because my old passport hated the gates).
For example my husband was convicted of procession and distribution. He is serving a suspended sentence (if he commits any crime at all he goes to prison). We have a child so my life was heavily involved with social services (ss). He got a job before being sentenced which made it a lot easier as he was dismissed from his old job (he was arrested at work).
We have been careful with who we have told. But so far 99% have been really supportive the 1% are supportive but have asked for distance. Which we respect. Our case never went to the media which in greatful for as my daughter can maintain her bliss of having no idea.
We havent traveled yet or stayed anywhere but youll have a visor officer who can help you understand the limitations a bit better. He has no travel restrictions. But you do need to check T&Cs. TUI is a clear T&C that means you cant fly or go on holiday with them. Cruises are a no, no while being on the register. Places that have child centres holidays pkaces like centre Parks have policies too. So if VISOR was to check with them they can cancel your holiday and it will be non refundable. But people have gone on holiday. They may just be taken to one side for a minute (which ive haf because my old passport hated the gates).
I a m so sorry you are going through this too. Just wanted to say I am thinking of you.
It is 19 months since our first knock. The first few weeks I was literally in shock and disbelief. This is a man I've loved for 34 years, 3 children and married for 21 years. My soul mate. A life destroyed by making dangerous, online choices at an incredibly vulnerable time in his life (zero excuse at all! I am still so angry).
The one device they confiscated for examination was so delayed in being checked that he was able to come home after 12 months with no bail restrictions but then rearrested again in July (at work! We had a second knock - trauma again for my 3 boys and me). This time although it was all part of the same investigation, social services have been much more involved this time and we currently have a no contact restriction. Being a lone parent is not fun but it has given me time for peace, nervous system restoring, being a safe space for my 3 boys and finally therapy for me. It has been a long time coming but already I am feeling better.
There is a still a long way to go. His case has still not been passed to CPS (delays!), he is currently residing at his sisters and at times doesn't want to carry on but that is on him. I can't be responsible for his actions now, just like I wasn't responsible for his bad bad choices 4/5 years ago. I wish I could rewind, go back etc but it is too late.
The fall out for this type of offence is huge and it is getting worse.
The one device they confiscated for examination was so delayed in being checked that he was able to come home after 12 months with no bail restrictions but then rearrested again in July (at work! We had a second knock - trauma again for my 3 boys and me). This time although it was all part of the same investigation, social services have been much more involved this time and we currently have a no contact restriction. Being a lone parent is not fun but it has given me time for peace, nervous system restoring, being a safe space for my 3 boys and finally therapy for me. It has been a long time coming but already I am feeling better.
There is a still a long way to go. His case has still not been passed to CPS (delays!), he is currently residing at his sisters and at times doesn't want to carry on but that is on him. I can't be responsible for his actions now, just like I wasn't responsible for his bad bad choices 4/5 years ago. I wish I could rewind, go back etc but it is too late.
The fall out for this type of offence is huge and it is getting worse.
Wecome to wat i term living in the firepit of hell inside hells version of the truman show..i am about 14 weeks post knock my brother not partner. Struggling alot.. The 1st few weeks were horrendous the tears grief and disbelief were never ending.. i think for me the fact that he knew what he has doing and that it was going on for years is something ill never forgive.. His wife is standing by him which has caused massive repercussions in itself.. im so frustrated by social services (he has 2 kids) and the police by the lack of support. They say do the crime do the time.. they do the crime. But it is infact the family that do the time. I think I wrote out a list of about 35 things that ive had to adapt change or deal with because of his actions.. and it angers me sooo so much. There is no manual no textbook. . I want nothing to do with my brother which my mum is really struggling with. She has beem such an amazing mother and she not have to be dealing with this. But as i dont want his kids in a contact centre i do supervise him seeing them..
Thinking of you.. Cos no-one truly understands unless ur in this hell.
Thinking of you.. Cos no-one truly understands unless ur in this hell.