People Who Stayed with their OH
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Hi,
I am very interested to hear from people who stayed with their OH following convictions.
It's very very early days since the knock, and I think my brain is on overdrive right now. We have the charges but I guess it'll depend on what is actually found as to the final charge and conviction.
I could leave, and rid my hands of this, but if I'm honest, I love him, he is my world and we always say there's nothing we can't get through. I understand this is an addiction that got out of hand and he is actively seeking support and therapy already.
I understand by staying, this will financially cost a lot in laywers fees and I have to consider if he goes to prison what that would look like. Plus I wouldn't be able to travel abroad anymore etc. I also have to consider the affect to my reputation if this goes public if media stick their damn noses in.
I would be really interested to hear from people who did stay, what that looked like and how you navigates the changes. Obviously only as much as you feel comfortable sharing!
Gosh I'm so grateful for this forum, reading things have already helped a lot <3
I am very interested to hear from people who stayed with their OH following convictions.
It's very very early days since the knock, and I think my brain is on overdrive right now. We have the charges but I guess it'll depend on what is actually found as to the final charge and conviction.
I could leave, and rid my hands of this, but if I'm honest, I love him, he is my world and we always say there's nothing we can't get through. I understand this is an addiction that got out of hand and he is actively seeking support and therapy already.
I understand by staying, this will financially cost a lot in laywers fees and I have to consider if he goes to prison what that would look like. Plus I wouldn't be able to travel abroad anymore etc. I also have to consider the affect to my reputation if this goes public if media stick their damn noses in.
I would be really interested to hear from people who did stay, what that looked like and how you navigates the changes. Obviously only as much as you feel comfortable sharing!
Gosh I'm so grateful for this forum, reading things have already helped a lot <3
Hi, how early on are you?
I thought this at the very beginning but no one should expect you to make a rash decision, and although people will have their opinions they can't really comment until they are put in your situation.
For me, we are now a year since the knock. It took me a few months to get my head around all of this, and I have a daughter so had a lot of Social Services involvement which has been another stress but I came to realise that I needed to focus on myself, and my daughter and was it really fair for our future to change because of what he had done - NO! I felt I would have to live a secret life, and literally go off radar and that wasn't doing me any good mentally. I can't see past any of it - I think there's a lot he is hiding and isn't telling me truth. He 'doesn't remember' what conversations he had, so he doesn't want to tell me more than whats on social media incase ir never comes out. Since he was arrested after those months past I don't see him as the same person anymore.
I hope you manage to figure things out.
I thought this at the very beginning but no one should expect you to make a rash decision, and although people will have their opinions they can't really comment until they are put in your situation.
For me, we are now a year since the knock. It took me a few months to get my head around all of this, and I have a daughter so had a lot of Social Services involvement which has been another stress but I came to realise that I needed to focus on myself, and my daughter and was it really fair for our future to change because of what he had done - NO! I felt I would have to live a secret life, and literally go off radar and that wasn't doing me any good mentally. I can't see past any of it - I think there's a lot he is hiding and isn't telling me truth. He 'doesn't remember' what conversations he had, so he doesn't want to tell me more than whats on social media incase ir never comes out. Since he was arrested after those months past I don't see him as the same person anymore.
I hope you manage to figure things out.
Thank you for your reply!
I do believe my OH is telling me everything and I have to trust him on that. He is also seeking help too and is genuinely very remorseful.
I just feel if I left it's because of the impact on my life not that I don't love him if that makes sense which makes it harder to know what to do.
That's why I was hoping to hear from people who did stay to just feel better informed.
Thank you for your side I really appreciate it.
I do believe my OH is telling me everything and I have to trust him on that. He is also seeking help too and is genuinely very remorseful.
I just feel if I left it's because of the impact on my life not that I don't love him if that makes sense which makes it harder to know what to do.
That's why I was hoping to hear from people who did stay to just feel better informed.
Thank you for your side I really appreciate it.
It'll be 2 years in February since our first knock. As it happens it took so long for his one device to be checked (lack of resources more than anything else) that we were graced with a 2nd knock in July! So retraumatised all over again!
I take one day at a time. I have 3 boys (2 teens and an almost 12 year old) so they keep me focused and grounded. I don't really know what I will do. We have a lot tied up financially so we have a lot to consider. I love the person but I hate what he has done to our life, family. The future is so uncertain. His case has not even been passed to CPS yet. There are just so many of these cases. His dangerous, secret online behaviour has made me feel unsafe and social services are all over us like a rash. Since his rearrest in July, contact has been paused. He can't talk about any of it to me as he feels so ashamed. Plus it is so out of character so there is more to it than viewing IIOC. I want him to talk about it because I am emotionally drained with 'trickle truth'. It's like whip lash.
As time goes on you'll be in a better position to make the decision that is right for you and your family.
I take one day at a time. I have 3 boys (2 teens and an almost 12 year old) so they keep me focused and grounded. I don't really know what I will do. We have a lot tied up financially so we have a lot to consider. I love the person but I hate what he has done to our life, family. The future is so uncertain. His case has not even been passed to CPS yet. There are just so many of these cases. His dangerous, secret online behaviour has made me feel unsafe and social services are all over us like a rash. Since his rearrest in July, contact has been paused. He can't talk about any of it to me as he feels so ashamed. Plus it is so out of character so there is more to it than viewing IIOC. I want him to talk about it because I am emotionally drained with 'trickle truth'. It's like whip lash.
As time goes on you'll be in a better position to make the decision that is right for you and your family.
Thank you JoLo for your reply!
I'm so sorry for all you've been going through.
May I ask (you do not have to say!) if the re-arrest was for a new charge? I'm just worried if that is a possibility in cases like this?
All the best
I'm so sorry for all you've been going through.
May I ask (you do not have to say!) if the re-arrest was for a new charge? I'm just worried if that is a possibility in cases like this?
All the best
Hi there
From what I understand the second rearrest should never have happened. His solicitor was aware he would be called in for a his 2nd interview but my take on it is because his bail conditions had lifted, in order to restrict them again, an arrest was necessary. There other things that came to light but the police knew it. It was all part of the original investigation and the social media group he had been part of.
You will be scared about everything right now. These groups will be a life line as there is so little out there to help and support the secondary victims - the family.
From what I understand the second rearrest should never have happened. His solicitor was aware he would be called in for a his 2nd interview but my take on it is because his bail conditions had lifted, in order to restrict them again, an arrest was necessary. There other things that came to light but the police knew it. It was all part of the original investigation and the social media group he had been part of.
You will be scared about everything right now. These groups will be a life line as there is so little out there to help and support the secondary victims - the family.
I stayed. I made my decision pretty quickly. I just knew in my gut I was going to stay. I decided where my line was. For me that line was I would leave if he had lied and had done communication or contact offenses. Even told him to leave me if he had.
He was convicted earlier this year. Its not been a nice ride to now but life's pretty normal. You can still go away with them. Its just a bit more complicated. Ive only gone on holiday without him so far
He was convicted earlier this year. Its not been a nice ride to now but life's pretty normal. You can still go away with them. Its just a bit more complicated. Ive only gone on holiday without him so far
Ive stayed and we are 3 and bit years post knock.
For the first year it was really hard but now its settled down to normality.
He goes to SAA for his porn adiction and has been doing a lot of work on himself and how the addition got out of control.
There are aspects of his recovery that are still WIP.... so this is hard. He is not the same man I met 12 years ago and its hard to explain that.
He has a first court date in a couple of weeks and that is very hard again.
Overall I am glad I stayed as we do have a child together. I realise now (not sure he does fully) that he has a lot trauma and emotions he has never dealt with from the past. I see this in how he parents our child, he just doesn't really understand the concept of a family, how to parent that is firm and fair.... he was brought up with a lot of shouting and "the man just knows best"!
For the first year it was really hard but now its settled down to normality.
He goes to SAA for his porn adiction and has been doing a lot of work on himself and how the addition got out of control.
There are aspects of his recovery that are still WIP.... so this is hard. He is not the same man I met 12 years ago and its hard to explain that.
He has a first court date in a couple of weeks and that is very hard again.
Overall I am glad I stayed as we do have a child together. I realise now (not sure he does fully) that he has a lot trauma and emotions he has never dealt with from the past. I see this in how he parents our child, he just doesn't really understand the concept of a family, how to parent that is firm and fair.... he was brought up with a lot of shouting and "the man just knows best"!
I stayed too. One thing someone said early on to me (on here) was that I could change my mind and walk away at any time. I haven't so far, and to be honest decided very early on I was staying.
Just take it a day at a time, that's all you really can do x
Just take it a day at a time, that's all you really can do x
I've so far stayed also. It hasn't been easy, but he's doing a lot of work to regain my trust. At the beginning, I set out a list of terms to stay married to me, and he had to sign it. He's adhered to every single one and been 100% honest with me- and yes I know this completely as I've been privy to all the evidence. Had he broken any of the terms, even once, he knew I'd walk away, and they still apply now, almost a year on. His was an isolated offence, while deeply addicted to porn during a period of horrendous mental health. He's done so much to address his issues and has become a better person, husband and father. His behaviour has completely changed and he's addressed his mental health for the first time in his life
Social services has been a challenge, as our daughter was 2 at the time, but he is at court this month so we're hopeful that after that maybe we'll be able to gradually move him back in, maybe in the new year
It's been very emotionally challenging, and continues to be, as we go through the build up to court. I know if it gets out, we will both lose friends and family members, but those closest to us are fully aware and have been incredibly supportive.
I guess the only thing I can truly say is figure out where you're willing to draw the line, what can you forgive and live with, and is he worth it- is he fighting to make it right? It's also worth remembering you're free to change your mind, if you choose to stay now, and then he slips back into old behaviours, you can walk away. The decision is entirely yours, and no matter what you choose, there'll be someone here on this forum who has walked your path already and be here to support you
Wishing you luck and love in this chaos x
Social services has been a challenge, as our daughter was 2 at the time, but he is at court this month so we're hopeful that after that maybe we'll be able to gradually move him back in, maybe in the new year
It's been very emotionally challenging, and continues to be, as we go through the build up to court. I know if it gets out, we will both lose friends and family members, but those closest to us are fully aware and have been incredibly supportive.
I guess the only thing I can truly say is figure out where you're willing to draw the line, what can you forgive and live with, and is he worth it- is he fighting to make it right? It's also worth remembering you're free to change your mind, if you choose to stay now, and then he slips back into old behaviours, you can walk away. The decision is entirely yours, and no matter what you choose, there'll be someone here on this forum who has walked your path already and be here to support you
Wishing you luck and love in this chaos x
