Hi, how early on are you?

I thought this at the very beginning but no one should expect you to make a rash decision, and although people will have their opinions they can't really comment until they are put in your situation.

For me, we are now a year since the knock. It took me a few months to get my head around all of this, and I have a daughter so had a lot of Social Services involvement which has been another stress but I came to realise that I needed to focus on myself, and my daughter and was it really fair for our future to change because of what he had done - NO! I felt I would have to live a secret life, and literally go off radar and that wasn't doing me any good mentally. I can't see past any of it - I think there's a lot he is hiding and isn't telling me truth. He 'doesn't remember' what conversations he had, so he doesn't want to tell me more than whats on social media incase ir never comes out. Since he was arrested after those months past I don't see him as the same person anymore.



I hope you manage to figure things out.

It'll be 2 years in February since our first knock. As it happens it took so long for his one device to be checked (lack of resources more than anything else) that we were graced with a 2nd knock in July! So retraumatised all over again!



I take one day at a time. I have 3 boys (2 teens and an almost 12 year old) so they keep me focused and grounded. I don't really know what I will do. We have a lot tied up financially so we have a lot to consider. I love the person but I hate what he has done to our life, family. The future is so uncertain. His case has not even been passed to CPS yet. There are just so many of these cases. His dangerous, secret online behaviour has made me feel unsafe and social services are all over us like a rash. Since his rearrest in July, contact has been paused. He can't talk about any of it to me as he feels so ashamed. Plus it is so out of character so there is more to it than viewing IIOC. I want him to talk about it because I am emotionally drained with 'trickle truth'. It's like whip lash.



As time goes on you'll be in a better position to make the decision that is right for you and your family.

Hi there

From what I understand the second rearrest should never have happened. His solicitor was aware he would be called in for a his 2nd interview but my take on it is because his bail conditions had lifted, in order to restrict them again, an arrest was necessary. There other things that came to light but the police knew it. It was all part of the original investigation and the social media group he had been part of.

You will be scared about everything right now. These groups will be a life line as there is so little out there to help and support the secondary victims - the family.

I stayed. I made my decision pretty quickly. I just knew in my gut I was going to stay. I decided where my line was. For me that line was I would leave if he had lied and had done communication or contact offenses. Even told him to leave me if he had.

He was convicted earlier this year. Its not been a nice ride to now but life's pretty normal. You can still go away with them. Its just a bit more complicated. Ive only gone on holiday without him so far

Ive stayed and we are 3 and bit years post knock.

For the first year it was really hard but now its settled down to normality.

He goes to SAA for his porn adiction and has been doing a lot of work on himself and how the addition got out of control.

There are aspects of his recovery that are still WIP.... so this is hard. He is not the same man I met 12 years ago and its hard to explain that.

He has a first court date in a couple of weeks and that is very hard again.

Overall I am glad I stayed as we do have a child together. I realise now (not sure he does fully) that he has a lot trauma and emotions he has never dealt with from the past. I see this in how he parents our child, he just doesn't really understand the concept of a family, how to parent that is firm and fair.... he was brought up with a lot of shouting and "the man just knows best"!

I stayed too. One thing someone said early on to me (on here) was that I could change my mind and walk away at any time. I haven't so far, and to be honest decided very early on I was staying.

Just take it a day at a time, that's all you really can do x

I've so far stayed also. It hasn't been easy, but he's doing a lot of work to regain my trust. At the beginning, I set out a list of terms to stay married to me, and he had to sign it. He's adhered to every single one and been 100% honest with me- and yes I know this completely as I've been privy to all the evidence. Had he broken any of the terms, even once, he knew I'd walk away, and they still apply now, almost a year on. His was an isolated offence, while deeply addicted to porn during a period of horrendous mental health. He's done so much to address his issues and has become a better person, husband and father. His behaviour has completely changed and he's addressed his mental health for the first time in his life

Social services has been a challenge, as our daughter was 2 at the time, but he is at court this month so we're hopeful that after that maybe we'll be able to gradually move him back in, maybe in the new year

It's been very emotionally challenging, and continues to be, as we go through the build up to court. I know if it gets out, we will both lose friends and family members, but those closest to us are fully aware and have been incredibly supportive.

I guess the only thing I can truly say is figure out where you're willing to draw the line, what can you forgive and live with, and is he worth it- is he fighting to make it right? It's also worth remembering you're free to change your mind, if you choose to stay now, and then he slips back into old behaviours, you can walk away. The decision is entirely yours, and no matter what you choose, there'll be someone here on this forum who has walked your path already and be here to support you

Wishing you luck and love in this chaos x

I don't know if I can. We are 19 months post knock. The whiole process has blown me away and my OH is still in denial. He is distraught at the damage and hurt he has caused us and family, yet he deflects at the uncomfortable questions. My therapist has told me to stop pushing. In time he will come to an acceptance and engage fully in his therapy and what lead him to offend. Will I be around then? Who knows. I love this man but I do not like what he has done. He needs to recognise and take accountability for those he has hurt, for those children in the photo that often get forgotten about in all of this.

I thought i would stay and we would work it out.

But 10 months after the knock, when I felt I wasn't being told the full story, keeping so many secrets from my closest family and eventually not seeing a future where I wouldn't be waiting for his offending to come back and bite us - i left.

Looking back i felt i tried but my decision was the right one - as he received a further jail sentence this year.

In some ways I think walking away is the easier option.

Everyone will have an opinion but it is only you that is living through it so you can only do what you feel is best for you and your family

Hi,

15 months after the knock, we are still together. It was a police sting, one conversation he can't recall. The police have found nothing else yet. My husband says they won't and I believe him. He told me about the adult sites he was on and has had therapy and hasn't been on them again since the knock.

It has been tough for us as a family but I love him still and I want us to be together as a family. He knows how lucky he is to have me. I guess part of it is my character and part of it is my faith that has helped me to get through this. I still wonder if I will have the strength if he does get charged and go to court but I will dig deep. I guess I am more worried about it getting into the media.

Everyone is different and so is every situation. You have to do what is right for you and your family at the right time. Don't allow people to judge you. Be strong in your convictions. You know yourself and your husband better than anyone. Social Services might be less kind because you are supporting your husband (voice of experience) but don't let them get you down. You have got this and are stronger than you know. Make yourself the priority sometimes too. It's easy to put everyone else's needs first.

I hope you can work through this and come out with the best outcome for you and your family x

Thank you for all of you have made time to post on here. I am thankful and having read a few of these, I can honestly say you are making the world that bit easier for me in trying to understand this whole mess.

The knock came at the end of September, I have never my world falling apart as that day, not him, really this can't be true. Yet I realise that it is an addiction and one that appears to becoming an epidemic. I bought the book Porn on the brain and I have to say, I am staggered to be reading that the statistics around this keep going up year on year. With people viewing porn from as young as 13 years old, some younger, but the book was written in 2017, at the time the DSM (Mental Health) did not class this as an addiction, I am going to do some more reading around this because I feel it most definately is.

I have decided to stay, it is hard and there are days I think I can get through this and then others when i feel the conflict. Like others I hear him say, I can't explain, I don't really get that but I take on board what another member wrote about backing off a bit, I hear from him the shame, guilt but I also see a real drive to make changes and to understand how this has happened. He even opened up to me about his own abuse when he was younger.

I am sure that I will find this forum a great help to both me, in terms of understanding but knowing that I am not the only one who decided to stay.