Wish I could turn back the clock! Advice please...
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Hello,
This is my first time posting as I have always been too scared. 4 years and some serious therapy later, here I am! Sorry it might be a long one...
A brief backstory; first ever boyfriend, became husband and then soon to be father of our/my first ever child. I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time of the knock, already struggling with my mental health and physical health in pregnancy. As for most, this came completely out of the blue! He was charged with possession and distribution of IIOC and also voyeurism (relating to myself). I only had 4 weeks to process and react/respond to make some of the biggest most important decisions of my life before little one made an appearance. Some decisions I am proud of and stand by, others not so much and I don't feel I was even in a position to have been able/allowed to make some of those decisions.
He was released on bail. We separated immediately and he wasn't even allowed back to the house.
Fast forward 2 years, he was finally convicted on all counts. 2 yr suspended sentence, fine, 5 yr SHPO and 10yrs on the register.
He has had contact since little one was born (which is the part I wish I had done differently) and I supervised contact for the first 2.5 yrs.
After his sentence I then decided it was affecting my own MH too much to continue seeing him and supervising. So we had a bit of support from a family support worker (children's services weren't interested) his mother started supervising for just over a year. In March 26, my little one (4yo) made a comment that implied they were left alone with Daddy but contact should always be supervised.
I stopped contact and have been navigating a minefield for the last 6 months. He wanted contact but my little one is not overly fussed, bothered or even aware of the situation. They had one 2 hour session at a contact centre but he is still pushing for more and to not use the contact centre, also saying cost is an issue.
A few other red flags to me was that he sent a photobook of photos of them together (bearing in mind, the agreement is for him to not use his phone and not take photos during contact). So it seems instead his parents and him are just using their phones to take photos and then keep them on a shared cloud account. So he still has free access to any photos he wants and he also didn't think it was an inappropriate thing to send? Maybe ai'm overreacting.
I don't feel him or his family take any of it seriously enough, have buried their heads in the sand and have no regard to how things impact on my child now or in the future, especially emotionally/mentally when they find out the truth.
So the crux of it; I don't trust him at all and don't trust his parents are supervising appropriately or take it seriously enough; i allowed a considerable amount of contact from the start but now I have managed to get my head straight I regreg this amd want to reign it wayyy in but feel the courts and law will side with him based on the status quo and that he is probably considered 'low risk'. All I want to do is keep my baby safe, now, in the future forever.
Not sure if anyone has experienced anything similar? Ir had any advice?
Sorry for such a long ramble, thank you in advance :)
This is my first time posting as I have always been too scared. 4 years and some serious therapy later, here I am! Sorry it might be a long one...
A brief backstory; first ever boyfriend, became husband and then soon to be father of our/my first ever child. I was 36 weeks pregnant at the time of the knock, already struggling with my mental health and physical health in pregnancy. As for most, this came completely out of the blue! He was charged with possession and distribution of IIOC and also voyeurism (relating to myself). I only had 4 weeks to process and react/respond to make some of the biggest most important decisions of my life before little one made an appearance. Some decisions I am proud of and stand by, others not so much and I don't feel I was even in a position to have been able/allowed to make some of those decisions.
He was released on bail. We separated immediately and he wasn't even allowed back to the house.
Fast forward 2 years, he was finally convicted on all counts. 2 yr suspended sentence, fine, 5 yr SHPO and 10yrs on the register.
He has had contact since little one was born (which is the part I wish I had done differently) and I supervised contact for the first 2.5 yrs.
After his sentence I then decided it was affecting my own MH too much to continue seeing him and supervising. So we had a bit of support from a family support worker (children's services weren't interested) his mother started supervising for just over a year. In March 26, my little one (4yo) made a comment that implied they were left alone with Daddy but contact should always be supervised.
I stopped contact and have been navigating a minefield for the last 6 months. He wanted contact but my little one is not overly fussed, bothered or even aware of the situation. They had one 2 hour session at a contact centre but he is still pushing for more and to not use the contact centre, also saying cost is an issue.
A few other red flags to me was that he sent a photobook of photos of them together (bearing in mind, the agreement is for him to not use his phone and not take photos during contact). So it seems instead his parents and him are just using their phones to take photos and then keep them on a shared cloud account. So he still has free access to any photos he wants and he also didn't think it was an inappropriate thing to send? Maybe ai'm overreacting.
I don't feel him or his family take any of it seriously enough, have buried their heads in the sand and have no regard to how things impact on my child now or in the future, especially emotionally/mentally when they find out the truth.
So the crux of it; I don't trust him at all and don't trust his parents are supervising appropriately or take it seriously enough; i allowed a considerable amount of contact from the start but now I have managed to get my head straight I regreg this amd want to reign it wayyy in but feel the courts and law will side with him based on the status quo and that he is probably considered 'low risk'. All I want to do is keep my baby safe, now, in the future forever.
Not sure if anyone has experienced anything similar? Ir had any advice?
Sorry for such a long ramble, thank you in advance :)
I find my OHs family are living in La La land a lot of the time. We are almost 2 years first knock (February 2025) and even recently my SIL said that she will never see her brother differently. I find that naive. This man, a man who has 3 children and I have known for 34 years and married to for 21 years still have not discussed any details with his immediate family because he is 'ashamed'. His sister won't ask him any questions because she does not want to make her sibling relationship with him 'uncomfortable'. Meantime I am navigating parenthood alone because social services have paused contact since his 2nd interview back in July.
I just wonder if it is something about immediate family members where they refuse to accept the truth or that they can't separate the offender from the person they raised or grew up with (their son, brother, uncle etc). These people have made dangerous, online choices that have dire consequences for partners or wives. Or in your case ex partner. I would feel exactly the same in your position. I know research shows that online offences do not move into real life but as a mum of a young child you do not want to take the risk.
It makes me so angry.
I just wonder if it is something about immediate family members where they refuse to accept the truth or that they can't separate the offender from the person they raised or grew up with (their son, brother, uncle etc). These people have made dangerous, online choices that have dire consequences for partners or wives. Or in your case ex partner. I would feel exactly the same in your position. I know research shows that online offences do not move into real life but as a mum of a young child you do not want to take the risk.
It makes me so angry.
