Still numb after 19 months.
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I've been on this forum from the beginning (February 2025) and it's my first post. Since I started my own trauma therapy this week, I have had to courage to revisit this page after a long absence and really not being able to make any sense of what is my life. Since the knock in 2025, my OH has strenuously denied the alleged offence (one photo clicked on my mistake) and I have kept a daily journal about my feelings. Fast forward 19 months and after my OH was rearrested in July (same investigation, further enquiries) a lot more had emerged about his online behaviour. Interesting that the information hasn't come from him directly (he has pretty much shut down) but from his solicitor (obviously can't disclose a lot), the police and even a family member of mine who is now directly caught up in this investigation. Whip lash after whip lash and although my OH is accepting that he will be charged, that is not enough for me for the horrific 19 months my children, myself and now my own family are being put through. I have carried shame, guilt, disgust around with me for such a long time. This man I have loved and known for 34 years is a stranger to me. I can not reconcile this lovely, gentle man with the person who made dangerous choices online that has ultimately destroyed a life time together. How can one person do that to people he claims to love and respect? It makes no sense to me. I don't think it ever will. He says I hate him. I do not hate him, I hate what he has done. I hate that I can no longer look him in the face without imagining what he was doing online.
He has had Safer Lives therapy, he is now in weekly therapy. I hope it helps him realise what he has lost and will potentially never get back because the interesting realisation in all of this is that their selfish illegal actions have consequences. A lot of people who make bad choices online never think they will be caught. They also never ever consider the fall out. The wives, partners, kids, parents etc.
Despite the uncertain future, as a strong person, this experience has made me even stronger. My 3 children deserve a bright future and I will do everything I can as a mum to secure that. This will not define us. I am also in therapy now and I am starting to accept that this is not my shame to hold. That is on someone else. Sending love to everyone going through this horrible process. It is a lonely road.
He has had Safer Lives therapy, he is now in weekly therapy. I hope it helps him realise what he has lost and will potentially never get back because the interesting realisation in all of this is that their selfish illegal actions have consequences. A lot of people who make bad choices online never think they will be caught. They also never ever consider the fall out. The wives, partners, kids, parents etc.
Despite the uncertain future, as a strong person, this experience has made me even stronger. My 3 children deserve a bright future and I will do everything I can as a mum to secure that. This will not define us. I am also in therapy now and I am starting to accept that this is not my shame to hold. That is on someone else. Sending love to everyone going through this horrible process. It is a lonely road.
Hi JoLo,
It sounds like you’ve been very strong throughout it all and are doing a great job supporting and being there for your boys.
I completely resonate with everything you’ve said here. I don’t have any children so I was spared all of the SS issues which just sounds absolutely horrific to deal with. I hadn’t told any friends or family about what had happened so it’s been very lonely and isolating for me.
My husband fortunately ended up with NFA but I’m still struggling with the trauma of it all and that he put me through all this in the first place. It also happened very quickly in comparison to the timeframes everyone else has had to endure, which I am grateful for but I'm sat here 5 months later thinking 'did that really happen?' My emotions have been all over the place.
I have had a few sessions with a therapist through stopso which was initially helpful but I find she wants me to focus more on the future which I’d love to be able to do but I’m finding difficult as I don’t think I’ve fully processed everything that has already happened. I’m also on a waiting list for EMDR therapy which I’m really hoping will be helpful.
Do you mind if I ask if your therapy is face to face or online?
It sounds like you’ve been very strong throughout it all and are doing a great job supporting and being there for your boys.
I completely resonate with everything you’ve said here. I don’t have any children so I was spared all of the SS issues which just sounds absolutely horrific to deal with. I hadn’t told any friends or family about what had happened so it’s been very lonely and isolating for me.
My husband fortunately ended up with NFA but I’m still struggling with the trauma of it all and that he put me through all this in the first place. It also happened very quickly in comparison to the timeframes everyone else has had to endure, which I am grateful for but I'm sat here 5 months later thinking 'did that really happen?' My emotions have been all over the place.
I have had a few sessions with a therapist through stopso which was initially helpful but I find she wants me to focus more on the future which I’d love to be able to do but I’m finding difficult as I don’t think I’ve fully processed everything that has already happened. I’m also on a waiting list for EMDR therapy which I’m really hoping will be helpful.
Do you mind if I ask if your therapy is face to face or online?
Hi there
I wish there no children involved as it would be so much easier to walk away. We have so much tied up together. I am strong. My boys keep me strong. All of this mess and upset caused by my OH I find a weakness I have no comprehension of. It makes it so much easier not to speak to me.
Thank god it was NFA in your situation, at least you have been spared the pain of more uncertainty and court. Sadly though it is a horrible lonely time. The therapist is by Teams and she is advertised on this website. I initially contacted her in early July but she is very busy so I was lucky to start this last week. It was a long time coming.
I wish there no children involved as it would be so much easier to walk away. We have so much tied up together. I am strong. My boys keep me strong. All of this mess and upset caused by my OH I find a weakness I have no comprehension of. It makes it so much easier not to speak to me.
Thank god it was NFA in your situation, at least you have been spared the pain of more uncertainty and court. Sadly though it is a horrible lonely time. The therapist is by Teams and she is advertised on this website. I initially contacted her in early July but she is very busy so I was lucky to start this last week. It was a long time coming.
