Lost, confused, torn
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Hi all
My long term partner of 14yrs was arrested Dec last year for online offences involving downloading ~45 images/videos (we are both late 20s/early 30s so you can imagine how much of my life is intertwined with his at this point) no kids and have never wanted any. He was released on bail pending investigation and was recently taken in on remand following his plea hearing earlier this month (Scotland).
We never really planned on telling anyone about it as I believed this would be the best way to work through it together, keep it private and move on with our lives. When he was taken in on remand it completely turned my life upside down and I had to tell my immediate family as I needed a support network and everything feels like it has fallen apart since.
They now want nothing to do with him and I feel a lot of pressure to leave him from them, even though they are supportive of me 100% and only have my best interest at heart, all I want is to live my life with him. I know it may be difficult but I do love him so much even though I am appaled and disgusted at what he did, I know him more than anyone and I know how genuinely remorseful he is and that he is committed to therapy/further work, and I am equally devastated at my familys reaction and I do feel a tinge of regret from telling them even though I had to.
There's genuinely not enough space to work through what's in my head right now and I'm sorry for rambling but I felt like I had to type something that was on my mind right now out for someone to read, even if it is out in to the void as I have felt like there has been no one to turn to who genuinely knows what I've been going through for the past few weeks.
My long term partner of 14yrs was arrested Dec last year for online offences involving downloading ~45 images/videos (we are both late 20s/early 30s so you can imagine how much of my life is intertwined with his at this point) no kids and have never wanted any. He was released on bail pending investigation and was recently taken in on remand following his plea hearing earlier this month (Scotland).
We never really planned on telling anyone about it as I believed this would be the best way to work through it together, keep it private and move on with our lives. When he was taken in on remand it completely turned my life upside down and I had to tell my immediate family as I needed a support network and everything feels like it has fallen apart since.
They now want nothing to do with him and I feel a lot of pressure to leave him from them, even though they are supportive of me 100% and only have my best interest at heart, all I want is to live my life with him. I know it may be difficult but I do love him so much even though I am appaled and disgusted at what he did, I know him more than anyone and I know how genuinely remorseful he is and that he is committed to therapy/further work, and I am equally devastated at my familys reaction and I do feel a tinge of regret from telling them even though I had to.
There's genuinely not enough space to work through what's in my head right now and I'm sorry for rambling but I felt like I had to type something that was on my mind right now out for someone to read, even if it is out in to the void as I have felt like there has been no one to turn to who genuinely knows what I've been going through for the past few weeks.
Hi Pinkcloud,
I am so sorry to read this, we have just started on this road with our 19 year old son and feel like our lives are over. Just preying that in the future we can get through this and have some resemblence of normaility.
All the best
I am so sorry to read this, we have just started on this road with our 19 year old son and feel like our lives are over. Just preying that in the future we can get through this and have some resemblence of normaility.
All the best
Hi PinkCloud,
What a horrible shock that must have been for him to be taken in on remand. I'm sorry you have had to deal with so much alone and that your family's reaction hasn't been great.
I've dealt with difficult family members as well (although this was actually his family) and it's really horrible to navigate. I too wish we didn't tell them but it felt like the right thing to do at the time.
Only you can decide what happens in your own relationship and there's no rush to make any decisions.
I hope it's not too long of a wait now for the sentencing etc as the waiting can be the worst part.
Have you done any therapy yourself or tried any support groups?
What a horrible shock that must have been for him to be taken in on remand. I'm sorry you have had to deal with so much alone and that your family's reaction hasn't been great.
I've dealt with difficult family members as well (although this was actually his family) and it's really horrible to navigate. I too wish we didn't tell them but it felt like the right thing to do at the time.
Only you can decide what happens in your own relationship and there's no rush to make any decisions.
I hope it's not too long of a wait now for the sentencing etc as the waiting can be the worst part.
Have you done any therapy yourself or tried any support groups?
So sorry you find yourself here.
I'm in Scotland too. It was my husband of 30 odd years. I stayed as I thought I loved him. Took 10 months to decide I didn't want to live with the offending hanging over my head. Turns out it was the correct decision
Don't rush to make any decision. I didn't tell anyone till it hit the press and didn't tell family till he was jailed as they didn't live close so had no reason to find out.
I don't regret my decision one bit - but that is me
I'm in Scotland too. It was my husband of 30 odd years. I stayed as I thought I loved him. Took 10 months to decide I didn't want to live with the offending hanging over my head. Turns out it was the correct decision
Don't rush to make any decision. I didn't tell anyone till it hit the press and didn't tell family till he was jailed as they didn't live close so had no reason to find out.
I don't regret my decision one bit - but that is me
Hi Pinkcloud
So sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. My now Ex partner was convicted 5yrs ago, I stayed and supported him for 4yrs.
The best advice I can give is get some counselling to help you understand your thought and feelings around your partners offending. Nobody can tell that you actions are right or wrong in this situation, but please do be aware that if your partner is convicted then this could also affect yourself for possibly 10yrs or more as it's likely he will have restrictions on his contact any children and spot checks from MOSOVO (police).
I hope you manage to get through this and all the best for the future ????
So sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. My now Ex partner was convicted 5yrs ago, I stayed and supported him for 4yrs.
The best advice I can give is get some counselling to help you understand your thought and feelings around your partners offending. Nobody can tell that you actions are right or wrong in this situation, but please do be aware that if your partner is convicted then this could also affect yourself for possibly 10yrs or more as it's likely he will have restrictions on his contact any children and spot checks from MOSOVO (police).
I hope you manage to get through this and all the best for the future ????