Sharing my story
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I’ve been reading posts on this forum on and off for a few months and only just got the courage to actually post in here so thought I would share my story because I think it might help me. Especially because I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to.
My husband told me everything (porn addiction, downloading of all categories) one month before our wedding so I had to make the decision about whether I wanted to cancel everything and tell everyone, or go through with it, after he has hidden this from me for our entire (over 10 year!) relationship, in a very short amount of time!
I ultimately decided to marry him and I do think it was the right decision even though that month I felt like I was in a really sad movie, it was so dramatic and awful with the police coming round to search the house while I was still wedding planning and pretending everything was absolutely fine when all my family and friends were checking in on how things were going.
Over the last few months he has been working really hard on his addiction recovery and taking responsibility. He’s going to SAA, has a stopso counsellor, completed Inform Plus, and we use an accountability app. We’re also having lots of open and honest conversations and he is being a brilliant partner (he always was which is why this is so shocking but he’s seeing how much this is impacting me and trying really hard).
He’s currently on bail. We’ve been given an idea of how long is left but it’s been extended from what we were originally told and I’m worried it’ll be even longer. My anxiety is only growing as time goes on.
At the moment, we’ve told no one in our lives other than his parents. We’re lucky that we don’t have children ourselves and don’t even really have children in our lives.
I haven’t been able to speak to a single friend or family member about any of this. My in laws are great people but not being able to speak to my mum is hard in a way that I can’t explain. It’s up to me if I want to tell her but I’m so scared of what that will do to all of my family dynamics. Especially when we’ve been told that the chances of it being in the media is very small. Even still, the media is something that worries me greatly.
I have accessed all of the resources that I can, but it's definitely different sharing with people who have been through it/are going through it than with professionals.
On top of all of that, we recently found out that a friend of ours is in prison for cat A as well as some much more serious offences. I won’t get into it because I know this forum is about internet offending. It's brought up a lot of conversations in our friend group where they tell us honestly what they think about all offenders, including offenders like my husband. It’s a mixed bag and has brought up lots of very complicated and horrible feelings for me.
Wishing you all well, I wish none of us had to find ourselves here.
My husband told me everything (porn addiction, downloading of all categories) one month before our wedding so I had to make the decision about whether I wanted to cancel everything and tell everyone, or go through with it, after he has hidden this from me for our entire (over 10 year!) relationship, in a very short amount of time!
I ultimately decided to marry him and I do think it was the right decision even though that month I felt like I was in a really sad movie, it was so dramatic and awful with the police coming round to search the house while I was still wedding planning and pretending everything was absolutely fine when all my family and friends were checking in on how things were going.
Over the last few months he has been working really hard on his addiction recovery and taking responsibility. He’s going to SAA, has a stopso counsellor, completed Inform Plus, and we use an accountability app. We’re also having lots of open and honest conversations and he is being a brilliant partner (he always was which is why this is so shocking but he’s seeing how much this is impacting me and trying really hard).
He’s currently on bail. We’ve been given an idea of how long is left but it’s been extended from what we were originally told and I’m worried it’ll be even longer. My anxiety is only growing as time goes on.
At the moment, we’ve told no one in our lives other than his parents. We’re lucky that we don’t have children ourselves and don’t even really have children in our lives.
I haven’t been able to speak to a single friend or family member about any of this. My in laws are great people but not being able to speak to my mum is hard in a way that I can’t explain. It’s up to me if I want to tell her but I’m so scared of what that will do to all of my family dynamics. Especially when we’ve been told that the chances of it being in the media is very small. Even still, the media is something that worries me greatly.
I have accessed all of the resources that I can, but it's definitely different sharing with people who have been through it/are going through it than with professionals.
On top of all of that, we recently found out that a friend of ours is in prison for cat A as well as some much more serious offences. I won’t get into it because I know this forum is about internet offending. It's brought up a lot of conversations in our friend group where they tell us honestly what they think about all offenders, including offenders like my husband. It’s a mixed bag and has brought up lots of very complicated and horrible feelings for me.
Wishing you all well, I wish none of us had to find ourselves here.
My mum never knew the hell I was going through as she was ill and frail in a home. It's the one thing I was grateful for. She died whilst my person was in jail. But that web of lies wore me down. Lying to her and many others. It felt like my head would burst. It's not a subject you can talk about and you now know exactly what your friends think about this offense.
It's so hard so I feel for you.
It's so hard so I feel for you.
That's awful, I'm so sorry you had to lose your mum while going through this! Yeah, the lying is horrible. I've always hated lying and I'm really bad at it but I'm already making small ones whenever I talk to her. She's currently trying to organise a holiday abroad for next year and wants my husband to come too so I'm making things up about why he can't. I know it's small in the grand scheme of things but I still hate lying
I think it was the constant lying that led me to eventually end my marriage. I'm quite an open person- some might say an oversharer - so I struggled with it. In some ways im.lucky that I am now out of it but his poor mum isn't. I managed to keep it from my family as I live a long way away. Even after he was sent to jail he asked me not to tell his mum!
My mum was the first person I contacted when my OH was first arrested 18 months ago. She has been incredibly supportive, even when other family members have been indirectly involved in his offending.
Other people's opinion can be hard to listen to. Only one of my friends knows. Not the details but that he was arrested. She was incredibly supportive towards me but as time has gone on she has started to judge him as a P. That is difficult for me. It is not so easy to walk away. I wish I could but I have 3 children with him and decades of a life together.
I don't wish this on my worst enemy. Therapy is helping me though.
Other people's opinion can be hard to listen to. Only one of my friends knows. Not the details but that he was arrested. She was incredibly supportive towards me but as time has gone on she has started to judge him as a P. That is difficult for me. It is not so easy to walk away. I wish I could but I have 3 children with him and decades of a life together.
I don't wish this on my worst enemy. Therapy is helping me though.
My person was arrested in January bail has been extended more than once hes case is with cps we are hoping he gets charged in November fingers crossed so we can move forward..... we have children so that's brought SS around hes not allowed unsupervised contact, hes not in the home thsts a whole different process
im supporting him well trying a few family no some are really supportive my brother thinks thats it hes evil etc wont listen to reason, but my 1st hubsand was a coke addict and alcohol everyone was fine with that plenty support but this no the lack of support from ppl can be hard we have had loads of honest conversations re porn addiction etc when it started etc he has a stopSo councillor, what accountability app do u use thank you
im supporting him well trying a few family no some are really supportive my brother thinks thats it hes evil etc wont listen to reason, but my 1st hubsand was a coke addict and alcohol everyone was fine with that plenty support but this no the lack of support from ppl can be hard we have had loads of honest conversations re porn addiction etc when it started etc he has a stopSo councillor, what accountability app do u use thank you
Thank you all for replying, I'm glad that some of your family members are supportive even if others aren't. It does give me some hope! We use Accountable2You for the app, it's just keyword based but it works pretty well, we were almost put off by the website because it's funded by a religious organisation but the actual app doesn't mention any of that which is good!