Should I stay or leave?
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Should I stay or leave? Looking for advice from people who have been through something similar.
I’m reaching out to this community because I feel lost and confused, and I would really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.
I love my partner, and I have no doubt that he loves me too. But three months ago, my world was turned upside down when he was arrested for chatting online and watching illegal porn.
We have separate homes, although he has been living with me for the past two years while preparing his flat to rent out. The morning of his arrest, he kissed me goodbye and asked me to stay in bed while he went to finish some work on his flat. A little later, I got up to the news that the police had arrested him.
Since that morning, I’ve felt as though my partner never really came back, and the person the police took away was someone I never knew existed. It’s difficult to explain, but it feels as though I’m grieving the person I thought I knew while the person I love is still here.
I can see how deeply this has affected him. He seems overwhelmed by shame, guilt and regret, has withdrawn from almost everyone, and spends much of his time hiding away. He is also terrified that I was going to hurt myself, so he keeps checking on me all the time. He has started therapy and has been sharing some of what he is learning about himself. He has come to recognise what he describes as an addiction to pornography and casual hookups in past with adult gay men.
The behaviour that led to his arrest involved online chats. He says he never had any interest in meeting young people offline, although I’m struggling to make sense of everything and reconcile his account with what has happened.
One of the hardest parts for me is that I work in a school, and my partner has worked in education too. No history of any misconduct during the yeass he was a teacher. I’m struggling to reconcile the person I knew in everyday life with the behaviour that has come to light.
In the relationship I experienced, he was loving, kind, generous and respectful. He would do anything for his friends and for me. I never imagined I would find myself in this situation, and I’m still in shock.
I want to support him through his recovery and hope that, with time, we might be able to heal and grow together. But I’m also incredibly angry. I feel betrayed by what happened behind my back, and I don’t know how to move past it.
I see him occasionally, but sometimes the anger and hurt become overwhelming, and I find myself pushing him away. He has been understanding of this and tells me that if I want to move on with my life and find someone else, he will understand. He says his priority is my happiness and that he wants to do whatever he can to repair the damage. He would like us to stay together, but he understands that I may not be able to. He also has been paying for my therapy and wanted me to be happy again.
I’m torn between the love I still feel for him, the compassion I have for what he is going through, and the anger and hurt I feel about what has happened. I don’t want to abandon someone I love who is trying to work on himself, but I also know that I cannot ignore my own feelings or the seriousness of the situation.
For those of you who have been in a similar position, how did you navigate this?
Did you choose to stay and try to rebuild the relationship, or did you eventually decide that leaving was the right thing for you? If you stayed, what helped you rebuild trust, and how did you manage the anger, uncertainty and conflicting emotions?
I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what I should do or to excuse what happened. I’m just hoping to hear from people who understand what it feels like to love someone while struggling to come to terms with a side of them you never knew existed.
Right now, I feel confused, heartbroken and completely lost. I would be grateful for any honest experiences, advice or perspectives you are willing to share.
I’m reaching out to this community because I feel lost and confused, and I would really appreciate hearing from people who have experienced something similar.
I love my partner, and I have no doubt that he loves me too. But three months ago, my world was turned upside down when he was arrested for chatting online and watching illegal porn.
We have separate homes, although he has been living with me for the past two years while preparing his flat to rent out. The morning of his arrest, he kissed me goodbye and asked me to stay in bed while he went to finish some work on his flat. A little later, I got up to the news that the police had arrested him.
Since that morning, I’ve felt as though my partner never really came back, and the person the police took away was someone I never knew existed. It’s difficult to explain, but it feels as though I’m grieving the person I thought I knew while the person I love is still here.
I can see how deeply this has affected him. He seems overwhelmed by shame, guilt and regret, has withdrawn from almost everyone, and spends much of his time hiding away. He is also terrified that I was going to hurt myself, so he keeps checking on me all the time. He has started therapy and has been sharing some of what he is learning about himself. He has come to recognise what he describes as an addiction to pornography and casual hookups in past with adult gay men.
The behaviour that led to his arrest involved online chats. He says he never had any interest in meeting young people offline, although I’m struggling to make sense of everything and reconcile his account with what has happened.
One of the hardest parts for me is that I work in a school, and my partner has worked in education too. No history of any misconduct during the yeass he was a teacher. I’m struggling to reconcile the person I knew in everyday life with the behaviour that has come to light.
In the relationship I experienced, he was loving, kind, generous and respectful. He would do anything for his friends and for me. I never imagined I would find myself in this situation, and I’m still in shock.
I want to support him through his recovery and hope that, with time, we might be able to heal and grow together. But I’m also incredibly angry. I feel betrayed by what happened behind my back, and I don’t know how to move past it.
I see him occasionally, but sometimes the anger and hurt become overwhelming, and I find myself pushing him away. He has been understanding of this and tells me that if I want to move on with my life and find someone else, he will understand. He says his priority is my happiness and that he wants to do whatever he can to repair the damage. He would like us to stay together, but he understands that I may not be able to. He also has been paying for my therapy and wanted me to be happy again.
I’m torn between the love I still feel for him, the compassion I have for what he is going through, and the anger and hurt I feel about what has happened. I don’t want to abandon someone I love who is trying to work on himself, but I also know that I cannot ignore my own feelings or the seriousness of the situation.
For those of you who have been in a similar position, how did you navigate this?
Did you choose to stay and try to rebuild the relationship, or did you eventually decide that leaving was the right thing for you? If you stayed, what helped you rebuild trust, and how did you manage the anger, uncertainty and conflicting emotions?
I’m not looking for anyone to tell me what I should do or to excuse what happened. I’m just hoping to hear from people who understand what it feels like to love someone while struggling to come to terms with a side of them you never knew existed.
Right now, I feel confused, heartbroken and completely lost. I would be grateful for any honest experiences, advice or perspectives you are willing to share.
My situation is not a matter of staying or going as it is my Brother . But i can massively relate to the grief and and the loss of someone who was not who you thought they were. He was what we thought a good husband great father ,great son etc. I will never get over or forgive what he did. The things that he has brought to our door. Im more angry that he knew what he was doing was wrong and he didnt do a single thing to try and stop it. All for his own selfish needs!! He and we have lost soo soo much including them having to sell their house.
So far my SIL is standing by him but as they have 2 children this in itself had brought a whole multitude of problems. Her family are unsurprisingly horrified and have pretty much walked away from her.
I am soooo angry and frustrated at the process and the life i have been thrust into throught no choice of my own.
So far my SIL is standing by him but as they have 2 children this in itself had brought a whole multitude of problems. Her family are unsurprisingly horrified and have pretty much walked away from her.
I am soooo angry and frustrated at the process and the life i have been thrust into throught no choice of my own.
I am 19 months in since the first knock. My OH of 30+ years, the father of my 3 boys has lied, played down and deflected the truth since he was first arrested. He was rearrested in July (yep a second knock!) to help with further evidence and close the investigation. Since then he has had a pause of contact and I have been working with social services during the assessment period. Visits, interviews, safety plans etc. All to allow him contact only for me to find out more information about his online behaviour.
Am I done? Absolutely, these men lie, scheme and take zero accountability for their dangerous and dirty online behaviour that impacts innocent people, not to mention the poor kids behind these images. These kids are real. To these men, it's a game. Then if they are lucky they'll appoint a good solicitor who'll minimise the behaviour to 'mental health' which is a complete insult to people with mental health issues who would never ever offend online.
My advice? Run now.
Am I done? Absolutely, these men lie, scheme and take zero accountability for their dangerous and dirty online behaviour that impacts innocent people, not to mention the poor kids behind these images. These kids are real. To these men, it's a game. Then if they are lucky they'll appoint a good solicitor who'll minimise the behaviour to 'mental health' which is a complete insult to people with mental health issues who would never ever offend online.
My advice? Run now.
