1 year post knock (positive-ish)
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Hi :)
I don't come here that much anymore- but i wanted to come here and say what me a year ago needed to hear. If it helps at all.
my ex fiancé was arrested and convicted of CSA, making CP and possession 11 months ago on the dot. He was charged the day after his initial arrest- I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter when the knock happened and it thrust my entire life into turmoil. I was scared, hopeless and had social services, homelessness and late stages of pregnancy to handle all within one knock
i didnt personally know how I was going to do it at all. I read stories upon stories til I was exhausted every night, even once I'd given birth, with a newborn in my arms I grieved and cried for hours wondering how my life had fallen apart that quickly. I'd been financially dependant on him, gap in my resume of 3 years being a stay at home fiancé and just piles and piles of stress. I wondered if it would ever get better
11 months on. Social services are completely out of my life and have been since July ish. I'm currently in university (I enrolled 2 months after the knock) to be a midwife. My daughter is happy and safe. My mental health is being managed with therapy and I've been prescribed medication for PTSD and anxiety. I live in a beautiful house.
I still panick at knocks on the door, I hold my breath and freeze. I freeze at blue Flashing lights, the sight of police. But one major difference... I haven't cried about him or us or the life I feel owed or that I was promised in about 3 months. I've cried about other things. Stress etc. but not him, or what happened. This may be because of the medication I've been put on for my mental health but I'd implore you, that if you feel medication may help you... please book that gp appointment and ask.
I was scared that social services would breathe down my neck about it or assume I wasn't fit to be a parent however none of that happened and I got the support I was deathly frightened of asking for. I know if this is something you're worried about nothing could make you feel more at ease because I know nothing would have convinced me either but I made a leap of faith and it worked.
life looks so much more different now. It's not boring but I'm doing better. And I promise if you're at the beginning of your journey after the knock, this pit feeling you have will eventually... slowly... start to feel better. If you'd asked me 6 months ago I'd have told you it was impossible to feel better. But I promise! One day you'll wake up and realise you haven't cried or thought about it in a week. Then that week turns into a month. Maybe you'll stop crying about it and just think about it now and again and even that is movement! In the right direction
i want to tell everyone to be kind to themselves. Whatever you do be kind to yourself, put yourself first. Do the things you know you should, look after your body even when it's difficult. If the knock has slipped you into a deep depressive state, Sit down in the shower if the idea of showering is too much energy stood up. Buy paper plates if doing dishes is too much. Keep water by your bed and some snacks within reach. Survive the first bit <3
that's how I personally got through. Make your life as easy as it possibly can be. I used to sit in the shower for hours letting the warm water comfort me. If that sounds like it would help, try <3
my messages are open for anyone if you need any moral support of advice for those early days or even further through
i will say that what I haven't been able to fix in the past year is my view towards future relationships or them in general. They make me disgusted at the idea of being in one. I cannot trust men as a whole now. I don't know if I ever will. I crave feeling safe in the arms of someone again but if I were ever in that position I'd hate it. I've been single the past year and I don't plan on changing that. My life is my own and I'll be damned if a man would get the chance to destroy it all over again. I'm perfectly fulfilled with my friends and family, I am loved and I love. But not to a man, or from one. It creates a visceral reaction in me. Maybe one day it'll fix, I'll never say never. Unfortunately for me my ex fiancé was the most gentle kind man to me that I've ever known. I can't and refuse to have him and so I want no one because no one could compare, yet he's the worst person I've ever encountered, I think that's my conclusion. He's completely ruined my perception of love and connection and I hope for that he spends every day of his life regretting how much he's ruined, past just me.
Anyways I want to leave this on a good note. I am here, even if you send me a message like I'm your diary, I'll listen
you are not alone I promise xx
I don't come here that much anymore- but i wanted to come here and say what me a year ago needed to hear. If it helps at all.
my ex fiancé was arrested and convicted of CSA, making CP and possession 11 months ago on the dot. He was charged the day after his initial arrest- I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter when the knock happened and it thrust my entire life into turmoil. I was scared, hopeless and had social services, homelessness and late stages of pregnancy to handle all within one knock
i didnt personally know how I was going to do it at all. I read stories upon stories til I was exhausted every night, even once I'd given birth, with a newborn in my arms I grieved and cried for hours wondering how my life had fallen apart that quickly. I'd been financially dependant on him, gap in my resume of 3 years being a stay at home fiancé and just piles and piles of stress. I wondered if it would ever get better
11 months on. Social services are completely out of my life and have been since July ish. I'm currently in university (I enrolled 2 months after the knock) to be a midwife. My daughter is happy and safe. My mental health is being managed with therapy and I've been prescribed medication for PTSD and anxiety. I live in a beautiful house.
I still panick at knocks on the door, I hold my breath and freeze. I freeze at blue Flashing lights, the sight of police. But one major difference... I haven't cried about him or us or the life I feel owed or that I was promised in about 3 months. I've cried about other things. Stress etc. but not him, or what happened. This may be because of the medication I've been put on for my mental health but I'd implore you, that if you feel medication may help you... please book that gp appointment and ask.
I was scared that social services would breathe down my neck about it or assume I wasn't fit to be a parent however none of that happened and I got the support I was deathly frightened of asking for. I know if this is something you're worried about nothing could make you feel more at ease because I know nothing would have convinced me either but I made a leap of faith and it worked.
life looks so much more different now. It's not boring but I'm doing better. And I promise if you're at the beginning of your journey after the knock, this pit feeling you have will eventually... slowly... start to feel better. If you'd asked me 6 months ago I'd have told you it was impossible to feel better. But I promise! One day you'll wake up and realise you haven't cried or thought about it in a week. Then that week turns into a month. Maybe you'll stop crying about it and just think about it now and again and even that is movement! In the right direction
i want to tell everyone to be kind to themselves. Whatever you do be kind to yourself, put yourself first. Do the things you know you should, look after your body even when it's difficult. If the knock has slipped you into a deep depressive state, Sit down in the shower if the idea of showering is too much energy stood up. Buy paper plates if doing dishes is too much. Keep water by your bed and some snacks within reach. Survive the first bit <3
that's how I personally got through. Make your life as easy as it possibly can be. I used to sit in the shower for hours letting the warm water comfort me. If that sounds like it would help, try <3
my messages are open for anyone if you need any moral support of advice for those early days or even further through
i will say that what I haven't been able to fix in the past year is my view towards future relationships or them in general. They make me disgusted at the idea of being in one. I cannot trust men as a whole now. I don't know if I ever will. I crave feeling safe in the arms of someone again but if I were ever in that position I'd hate it. I've been single the past year and I don't plan on changing that. My life is my own and I'll be damned if a man would get the chance to destroy it all over again. I'm perfectly fulfilled with my friends and family, I am loved and I love. But not to a man, or from one. It creates a visceral reaction in me. Maybe one day it'll fix, I'll never say never. Unfortunately for me my ex fiancé was the most gentle kind man to me that I've ever known. I can't and refuse to have him and so I want no one because no one could compare, yet he's the worst person I've ever encountered, I think that's my conclusion. He's completely ruined my perception of love and connection and I hope for that he spends every day of his life regretting how much he's ruined, past just me.
Anyways I want to leave this on a good note. I am here, even if you send me a message like I'm your diary, I'll listen
you are not alone I promise xx