Feeling helpless
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I'm at a complete loss in how to support my ex. His bail keeps being extended and he hasn't seen his children since the interview. He's been great at carrying on but he's now breaking down, struggling and speaking of suicide as he firmly believes he will never see his children again. I'm at a loss as to how I can help him. I am now really concerned about his mental health and desperately feel he may make the ultimate decision.
Try to get him some private help, feeling suicidal you end up not being able to see what’s in front of you (I speak from a couple of very recent experiences).
We have a local counselling charity nearby and I have used their services and they have been very good, he might just need a professional to speak to a few times to help him see clearly.
We have a local counselling charity nearby and I have used their services and they have been very good, he might just need a professional to speak to a few times to help him see clearly.
Thank you for your reply. I can't get him to accept help. Even from me. I'm pleased that he has started opening up to me as he pushed it away for so long however I know he won't accept it. I'm desperately worried about him. I will continue to be there for him as right now he feels that he has nobody. He and I just want him to either be charged or found nfa. The end keeps getting pushed further and further away and he feels helpless about his children. It's such a desperately sad situation. I appreciate your response and your honesty about your own personal situations.
Please just keep him talking, it’s when we feel that we cannot talk to anyone that pushes us over the edge(either feeling we are burdening the person too much or that they really do not understand). I think that he will let you know when he’s ready to accept help but you can investigate local services prior to this(I currently prefer private, as it’s not ‘shared’ around social services, safeguarding, police etc, they will only share info if they think we are about to take our lives).
Try distraction methods also, new hobbies, fix the toilet etc (learning DIY is my distraction from my real world right now)
Try distraction methods also, new hobbies, fix the toilet etc (learning DIY is my distraction from my real world right now)
Thank you Dizzy. Much love to you in this awful situation.
Partner
Has he used the Lucy Faithful helpline at all? They would be helpful to him. And the samaritan's are also good, my husband used both early on.
For you, I would say be careful about taking on too much responsibility for his emotional wellbeing. I know it seems a harsh thing to say but it took me a very long time to stop feeling responsible for my husband's mental and emotional health. It made the whole situation a million times harder because I was not only worried about people finding out, telling our own children, and all the legal stuff but I also felt hugely responsible for his mental state. I finally realised that it's not my responsibility. My husband had previously attempted to kill himself which is when it all came out and he was charged 9 months later.
I eventually told him that I didn't want to discuss his guilt, shame and despair any more because it was such a burden and that he had to find someone else to talk to properly like a counsellor. It was a big step for me and made me feel a bit better as I had been carrying a huge emotional load without realising it.
None of us partners deserve to be here. Its not our fault, yet I know every one on here has suffered or is still suffering. We are collateral damage and as far as we can we need to look after ourselves and carrying our partners mental and emotional burdens can't be healthy for us.
I'm so sorry you're having to wait it's terribly unfair. You might be waiting even longer, for us it was an unbelievable 2 years and 8 months before he was properly charged and had the first court date. The sentencing date is 2 years and 11 months after the first knock and I think that's a kind of cruelty.
Try to stay strong. Look after yourself. X
Has he used the Lucy Faithful helpline at all? They would be helpful to him. And the samaritan's are also good, my husband used both early on.
For you, I would say be careful about taking on too much responsibility for his emotional wellbeing. I know it seems a harsh thing to say but it took me a very long time to stop feeling responsible for my husband's mental and emotional health. It made the whole situation a million times harder because I was not only worried about people finding out, telling our own children, and all the legal stuff but I also felt hugely responsible for his mental state. I finally realised that it's not my responsibility. My husband had previously attempted to kill himself which is when it all came out and he was charged 9 months later.
I eventually told him that I didn't want to discuss his guilt, shame and despair any more because it was such a burden and that he had to find someone else to talk to properly like a counsellor. It was a big step for me and made me feel a bit better as I had been carrying a huge emotional load without realising it.
None of us partners deserve to be here. Its not our fault, yet I know every one on here has suffered or is still suffering. We are collateral damage and as far as we can we need to look after ourselves and carrying our partners mental and emotional burdens can't be healthy for us.
I'm so sorry you're having to wait it's terribly unfair. You might be waiting even longer, for us it was an unbelievable 2 years and 8 months before he was properly charged and had the first court date. The sentencing date is 2 years and 11 months after the first knock and I think that's a kind of cruelty.
Try to stay strong. Look after yourself. X
Partner,
I agree with what Anne P says. I too ended the relationship as soon as I found out what my ex had been doing. I’m currently pregnant with his child and have a child from a previous relationship. There was no way I was having social services involved in my sons life and I felt that my sons father would go for custody should I have remained with my babies dad ( I wouldn’t have blamed him) I am having to try and stop away from this mentally ( despite still loving my ex very much) as it’s just too much to bear: wondering if he’s getting the right help, has a good solicitor, can overcome the horrific trauma from his own childhood, is truly sorry etc etc. It’s killing me and I have to be strong for my children.
Please look after yourself xx
I agree with what Anne P says. I too ended the relationship as soon as I found out what my ex had been doing. I’m currently pregnant with his child and have a child from a previous relationship. There was no way I was having social services involved in my sons life and I felt that my sons father would go for custody should I have remained with my babies dad ( I wouldn’t have blamed him) I am having to try and stop away from this mentally ( despite still loving my ex very much) as it’s just too much to bear: wondering if he’s getting the right help, has a good solicitor, can overcome the horrific trauma from his own childhood, is truly sorry etc etc. It’s killing me and I have to be strong for my children.
Please look after yourself xx
Ann and Marie,
Thank you for sharing your stories. You are both so correct. My priority has, and always will be my children and ended my relationship immediately. I had no contact until I lost a parent and was distraught and with the investigating officers permission, if you like, went to tell him.
My kids are safe. As a unit we have moved on. I've thrown myself into work. My boss knows and is just so amazingly supportive. I'm incredibly grateful. My best friends now and are again incredibly supportive.
But my default personality setting is seeing the good in people. I know, hand on my heart, he's not a risk to minors. However while the law and ss says he may be, he stay away from my kids. But I love him. I do struggle with his heartbreak. So your advice is really appreciated. I must remember that he is an adult and I can't save the world. He knows I'm here for support but I will try to find away to step away from the emotional involvement for my own wellbeing.
Love to all. P.
Thank you for sharing your stories. You are both so correct. My priority has, and always will be my children and ended my relationship immediately. I had no contact until I lost a parent and was distraught and with the investigating officers permission, if you like, went to tell him.
My kids are safe. As a unit we have moved on. I've thrown myself into work. My boss knows and is just so amazingly supportive. I'm incredibly grateful. My best friends now and are again incredibly supportive.
But my default personality setting is seeing the good in people. I know, hand on my heart, he's not a risk to minors. However while the law and ss says he may be, he stay away from my kids. But I love him. I do struggle with his heartbreak. So your advice is really appreciated. I must remember that he is an adult and I can't save the world. He knows I'm here for support but I will try to find away to step away from the emotional involvement for my own wellbeing.
Love to all. P.