Struggling Mum
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Hi, this is my first post here as I just haven't been able to put my feelings into words (I still can't). We got the knock almost 3 months ago - my son aged 18 was found to have images on his devices. The bottom completely dropped out of my world on that day and there hasn't been a day since that it hasn't been on my mind every waking hour.
I saw someone on this forum say their hopes and dreams for the future are gone and that is exactly how I feel. We were just normal people, living happy, normal lives and everything has been turned upside down.
My son is so bright, I can't understand why he has done this. He knows right from wrong and has never been in trouble, not even at school. He has since opened up a little bit about depression since he was at school that we were completely unaware of (he is a pretty quiet person and we just thought that was 'him being him'). My husband and I are blaming ourselves, we work a lot and missed signs of his mental health. If we had been more present this might not have happened and I wish more than anything I could rewind time and stop this all from happening.
He has started uni since the arrest and my heart is so broken for him that his life is ruined - he should have had the world at his feet and now this is going to follow him around forever. I don't think he understands the full extent of how this is going to be part of his life forever if he ends up on the SOR (Which I am sure he will) and at the moment I don't even want to broach that with him because he is scared enough of whats to come.
I am terrified for his future and also our own. I own a local child orientated business and if this gets out the repurcussions are going to be massive.
He has now gone from being proactive to burying his head a bit. He has been trying with the charities but they seem to be so overrun he can't always get on the chats (he was referred from Inform to Shore due to his age and they seem to struggle with the demand). They said he had to do more chats with them before they would refer him for a course but as they are rarely available when he is, it's not really progressing. He does need to try harder himself though and I also think he needs some counselling but I don't really know where to start with that.
I wish I could try some therapy myself but I just couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud to a stranger. I am struggling every day, and now the thought of Christmas just feels like a write off but we have to keep up the pretence as grandparents don't know what is happening. Crying as I write this, are our lives a lost cause forever now?
x
I saw someone on this forum say their hopes and dreams for the future are gone and that is exactly how I feel. We were just normal people, living happy, normal lives and everything has been turned upside down.
My son is so bright, I can't understand why he has done this. He knows right from wrong and has never been in trouble, not even at school. He has since opened up a little bit about depression since he was at school that we were completely unaware of (he is a pretty quiet person and we just thought that was 'him being him'). My husband and I are blaming ourselves, we work a lot and missed signs of his mental health. If we had been more present this might not have happened and I wish more than anything I could rewind time and stop this all from happening.
He has started uni since the arrest and my heart is so broken for him that his life is ruined - he should have had the world at his feet and now this is going to follow him around forever. I don't think he understands the full extent of how this is going to be part of his life forever if he ends up on the SOR (Which I am sure he will) and at the moment I don't even want to broach that with him because he is scared enough of whats to come.
I am terrified for his future and also our own. I own a local child orientated business and if this gets out the repurcussions are going to be massive.
He has now gone from being proactive to burying his head a bit. He has been trying with the charities but they seem to be so overrun he can't always get on the chats (he was referred from Inform to Shore due to his age and they seem to struggle with the demand). They said he had to do more chats with them before they would refer him for a course but as they are rarely available when he is, it's not really progressing. He does need to try harder himself though and I also think he needs some counselling but I don't really know where to start with that.
I wish I could try some therapy myself but I just couldn't bring myself to say the words out loud to a stranger. I am struggling every day, and now the thought of Christmas just feels like a write off but we have to keep up the pretence as grandparents don't know what is happening. Crying as I write this, are our lives a lost cause forever now?
x
Hi BrokenMum, from one mum to another, my heart really goes out to you. I remember that shock, fear and overwhelming sadness only too well. As a mum, it's natural to fear the worst and to feel as though your son's future has been ruined. What has happened is serious, but it doesn’t mean his life is over. People make very poor decisions, but with accountability, support, education and the right interventions, it is possible for them to learn, change and move forward. His future may not be as he once imagined but that doesnt mean he has no future.
My suggestion for now is to try and focus on one day at a time, on the immediate next steps and on making sure both you and your son have support around you.
If you haven’t already done so you might want to consider reaching out to your GP for support. This can be an incredibly long and isolating journey so don’t be afraid to ask for help where you can. Your son might benefit from doing the same and might also want to explore the option of the Lucy Faithful Inform plus programme or even the online modules offered on the Lucy Faithful website. In addition to the LFF programme my son found psychotherapy very helpful in helping him understand the reasons behind his behaviour, in developing healthy attitudes and coping strategies, and working through the consequences of his actions.
You’re not alone in this and whilst you might not be able to see it right now, things will eventually get easier.
My suggestion for now is to try and focus on one day at a time, on the immediate next steps and on making sure both you and your son have support around you.
If you haven’t already done so you might want to consider reaching out to your GP for support. This can be an incredibly long and isolating journey so don’t be afraid to ask for help where you can. Your son might benefit from doing the same and might also want to explore the option of the Lucy Faithful Inform plus programme or even the online modules offered on the Lucy Faithful website. In addition to the LFF programme my son found psychotherapy very helpful in helping him understand the reasons behind his behaviour, in developing healthy attitudes and coping strategies, and working through the consequences of his actions.
You’re not alone in this and whilst you might not be able to see it right now, things will eventually get easier.