Feeling Sad, Frustrated and Fed Up.
Notifications OFF
That’s a lot of ‘f’s and there’s one more that is a little more rude. We’re 4 months post knock after husband was arrested for downloading indecent images of children – or ‘doing a Pete Townsend’ as I’ve come to call it – and now we’re in that limboland where he’s been ‘released under investigation’ which just goes on and on and on.
We have many up days but this evening he was in tears again and wishing he was dead because he’s ‘made such a wreck of everything’. He said he only had one small ambition in life – to get through it by being as kind and honest and respectful and loyal to other human beings as he could and that he’s completely blown it and failed and can think of no way to go on. The only reason he IS still here is because other people (like me and the rest of his family) don’t want him to kill himself. So he’s no longer living for himself – and can see no reason to continue living – he’s living for others. I said that’s fine by me – but that he HAS enjoyed himself at times over the previous months – we go for walks, do tai chi, enjoy food together – have even had a few visitors (big step forward from the hiding from everyone that he was doing initially). All that is just temporary diversion from the fact that he’s messed everything up, he says, and there’s no return to who he was.
He’s working through the LF modules with his StopSO therapist – but still feels very confused and lost about why he didn’t stop looking at iioc when he knew it was wrong and assures me that he doesn’t feel any impulse to have sex with real living children and never has (given that the children in the photographs he accessed via Google and Bing were real children who HAD been abused). However, he says why should I believe him? Why should his therapist?
Up until he was 60yrs old he was happy with himself and where he was going. He came from a close knit and loving family. He was a patient and loving father to our one son (now grown – but who says his Dad was always his role model). He had never knowingly broken the law up to his compulsive viewing of internet porn and iioc– never driven over a speed limit, never stolen anything, never trespassed if we went for a walk (very infuriating for me – as I’m the reckless one who wants to take a short cut across that farmer’s field or get somewhere quickly because I’m late yet again). Then he stumbled across internet porn and couldn’t look away.
He DOES feel relief that he was stopped. He knows he will never ever go back and has taken steps to avoid unlimited and unsupervised access to the internet. But he still does not want to be here - to feel the shame when those that know the full story see him. To feel the shame when he looks in a mirror. I don’t know what else I can do to help him, except be here and keep on loving and listening to him. His family (and mine) are all aware and are all standing by him whatever happens – including his policeman nephew and lawyer sister in law. I tell him he’s earned that respect and love. He doesn’t believe me. He feels he’s let them all down.
He, who has been MY rock for the last 40+years. I’m the reckless one, with the dysfunctional family who was abused and neglected as a child – my husband is the one who has been endlessly patient with me, loyal, steadfast, funny, kind – although a bit of a nag at times (aren’t we all?).
F-g internet.
Sorry to go on. It’s been a strange and horribly sad evening.
We have many up days but this evening he was in tears again and wishing he was dead because he’s ‘made such a wreck of everything’. He said he only had one small ambition in life – to get through it by being as kind and honest and respectful and loyal to other human beings as he could and that he’s completely blown it and failed and can think of no way to go on. The only reason he IS still here is because other people (like me and the rest of his family) don’t want him to kill himself. So he’s no longer living for himself – and can see no reason to continue living – he’s living for others. I said that’s fine by me – but that he HAS enjoyed himself at times over the previous months – we go for walks, do tai chi, enjoy food together – have even had a few visitors (big step forward from the hiding from everyone that he was doing initially). All that is just temporary diversion from the fact that he’s messed everything up, he says, and there’s no return to who he was.
He’s working through the LF modules with his StopSO therapist – but still feels very confused and lost about why he didn’t stop looking at iioc when he knew it was wrong and assures me that he doesn’t feel any impulse to have sex with real living children and never has (given that the children in the photographs he accessed via Google and Bing were real children who HAD been abused). However, he says why should I believe him? Why should his therapist?
Up until he was 60yrs old he was happy with himself and where he was going. He came from a close knit and loving family. He was a patient and loving father to our one son (now grown – but who says his Dad was always his role model). He had never knowingly broken the law up to his compulsive viewing of internet porn and iioc– never driven over a speed limit, never stolen anything, never trespassed if we went for a walk (very infuriating for me – as I’m the reckless one who wants to take a short cut across that farmer’s field or get somewhere quickly because I’m late yet again). Then he stumbled across internet porn and couldn’t look away.
He DOES feel relief that he was stopped. He knows he will never ever go back and has taken steps to avoid unlimited and unsupervised access to the internet. But he still does not want to be here - to feel the shame when those that know the full story see him. To feel the shame when he looks in a mirror. I don’t know what else I can do to help him, except be here and keep on loving and listening to him. His family (and mine) are all aware and are all standing by him whatever happens – including his policeman nephew and lawyer sister in law. I tell him he’s earned that respect and love. He doesn’t believe me. He feels he’s let them all down.
He, who has been MY rock for the last 40+years. I’m the reckless one, with the dysfunctional family who was abused and neglected as a child – my husband is the one who has been endlessly patient with me, loyal, steadfast, funny, kind – although a bit of a nag at times (aren’t we all?).
F-g internet.
Sorry to go on. It’s been a strange and horribly sad evening.
Tutleymutley, your husband sounds like a good man. A good man who did one bad thing. He recognises it, but as we now know, this particular addiction is so very hard as how can the addicts talk openly about their struggles, when we don’t even talk openly about sex, let alone risky sex.
Also he is from that generation, like my husband, where men feel they have to be strong and provide for their families, push down their emotions and ‘be a man’!
Lost123, what you say makes such sense to me. I just don’t understand why more is not being done. The porn industry is like a disease, and no one is actually getting to grips with it. I was shocked when I read that BBC item about the abused boy, that the police charged one person but did not follow the chain back any further. So why just punish one? It makes it like Russian roulette! My fear is, during this uncertain period, more people are going to get caught up in this world. Those that are already in the ‘porn trap’ may venture further in, new, bored curious people may get into the trap, and more victims will be caught up in this. As I have said before, everyone, not just children, everyone needs educating on this. Now is a good opportunity to reach a huge audience on line for law enforcers and public services to educate!!! Someone, please do it!!
I am so sad for you both with the worries of your husbands state of minds. I cannot really say what my husband is feeling, as we are apart, and growing even further so. He has said he wouldn’t put me through a suicide on top of everything else he has put me through. But I know not to believe what why he says now. Although he promises me is now being honest. I am feeling very scared of the future, he must feel even worse. You should point out that if they leave their children in that way, it will affect their futures as well as yours. Let’s hope and pray that someone does some thinking about these crimes and makes some sensible decisions. This is not a life I’d like anyone to have to suffer. And I fear an epidemic.
Love and hugs to you bothXxx
Also he is from that generation, like my husband, where men feel they have to be strong and provide for their families, push down their emotions and ‘be a man’!
Lost123, what you say makes such sense to me. I just don’t understand why more is not being done. The porn industry is like a disease, and no one is actually getting to grips with it. I was shocked when I read that BBC item about the abused boy, that the police charged one person but did not follow the chain back any further. So why just punish one? It makes it like Russian roulette! My fear is, during this uncertain period, more people are going to get caught up in this world. Those that are already in the ‘porn trap’ may venture further in, new, bored curious people may get into the trap, and more victims will be caught up in this. As I have said before, everyone, not just children, everyone needs educating on this. Now is a good opportunity to reach a huge audience on line for law enforcers and public services to educate!!! Someone, please do it!!
I am so sad for you both with the worries of your husbands state of minds. I cannot really say what my husband is feeling, as we are apart, and growing even further so. He has said he wouldn’t put me through a suicide on top of everything else he has put me through. But I know not to believe what why he says now. Although he promises me is now being honest. I am feeling very scared of the future, he must feel even worse. You should point out that if they leave their children in that way, it will affect their futures as well as yours. Let’s hope and pray that someone does some thinking about these crimes and makes some sensible decisions. This is not a life I’d like anyone to have to suffer. And I fear an epidemic.
Love and hugs to you bothXxx
Thanks Tabs - and Lost123. It must be twice as hard to deal with this situation when you have a young family to try and protect.
I received a lovely email from MY grown up son today - (best mother's day present ever):
"Let dad know I love him and I’m looking forward to seeing him. It’s been hard to get my head round what’s gone on, it was a shock. But you and Dad are dealing with the situation as a family and I want to be part of that too. I’m coming back from Asia with an open mind and an open heart, like Dad and you brought me up. Xx"
He's due back Thursday - having had a flight cancelled with all the headache that caused.
Friend suggested that I record an anonymised interview about these events from my perspective - to let people know the dangers of internet pornography and the potential catastrophic consequences. I think it especially important to let young people know about this epidemic - with their brains still developing. She's offered to help me do this - I'm working on it! Feeling much more positive today: the sun shone and Spring is in the air.
I received a lovely email from MY grown up son today - (best mother's day present ever):
"Let dad know I love him and I’m looking forward to seeing him. It’s been hard to get my head round what’s gone on, it was a shock. But you and Dad are dealing with the situation as a family and I want to be part of that too. I’m coming back from Asia with an open mind and an open heart, like Dad and you brought me up. Xx"
He's due back Thursday - having had a flight cancelled with all the headache that caused.
Friend suggested that I record an anonymised interview about these events from my perspective - to let people know the dangers of internet pornography and the potential catastrophic consequences. I think it especially important to let young people know about this epidemic - with their brains still developing. She's offered to help me do this - I'm working on it! Feeling much more positive today: the sun shone and Spring is in the air.
Tutleymutley, what a wonderfully compassionate son you have. All credit to you and your husband for raising him so well. It bought a tear to my eye reading what he said. I wish more people were able to think through this situation in a rational way.
Also what a wonderful opportunity to try and educate others. It will be good to have your voice heard I wish you lots of luck. Who knows, it may trigger something big!
as ever Lost123, I think you're spot on! xx
Also what a wonderful opportunity to try and educate others. It will be good to have your voice heard I wish you lots of luck. Who knows, it may trigger something big!
as ever Lost123, I think you're spot on! xx