Family and Friends Forum

That is what I keep asking myself, I can't understand why my husband has looked at these awful images.

I suppose we shouldn't beat ourselves up about it because we may never get the answer.

I thought my husband was a good, honest, hard working man but since April he's shown me that he wouldn't know the truth if it got him in the face and had lied and lied to me, the police and himself!! The barrister in court for his plea said it was 'quite frankly a ridiculous defence' but he's sticking with it!!

I guess what I'm trying to say what you're feeling is perfectly normal, we all think the same

Xxx

Addiction is a horrible thing and the cycle is so difficult to break. I see it a lot in work. I knew my ex had an addictive personality just from the fact that after 10 attempts to stop smoking since i got pregnant he had been unable to do it.

What drives them to it is different in each case. My ex claims it to be because of a mental breakdown (and yes he did have 1) but other people dont do that. There is obviously something in their brain that allows them to rationlise what they are doing.

No matter what they tell us i dont think well ever know the real reasons for what allowed them to get to that point and keep going back. And to be honest i dont thinkni want to know the answer i think it would be even worse for me

Hi all

Just a quick reply, has anyone looked at the Finklhor preconditions editions that is on the stop it now site? This might help, along with talking it through with someone from the helpline.

My husband is a good man and unfortunately was in a dark place for several years before he took the wrong turn. If you can talk to your partners and they are honest with it.

I will post a bit more about my experience centre tomorrow when I can put the right words together for you.

Big hugs to everyone and look after yourselves.

I wish I knew why too. Life was good. My (now ex) partner and I had never been happier as we planned our wedding. There had been tough times, He was an alcoholic , but two years sober. And in my eyes a good,kind, loving intelligent man and great dad to his two grown up children ( who have now cut him out of their lives) The only theory I have is that one addiction was replaced by another. But he went into such a dark secret place downloading indecent images that there was no future for us. He says he thought he’d never get caught. I can’t bear the thought that if the Knock hadn’t come six weeks before the wedding, he would have carried on doing this after we were married.

Here we are all trying to make sense of the unthinkable. I doubt I ever will.

night all

love Paula x

It's such a dilemma isn't it. Do we stick with the good person we thought we knew for the whole of our long relationship, or do we cut loose? Since I've known, it's the first thing I think about every time I wake up, when I'm lucky enough to get some sleep, that is, and it's on my mind in every situation, throughout the day. I keep re-living our past and now insert horrible images of what was happening behind my back. Can I ever trust him again?

I believe my partner is genuinely committed to changing, and he seems to have fully embraced all the help and education, but in my darker moments I wonder if it's enough. Can such an addiction really be overcome? The porn addiction is one thing, but then to get into illegal images. Given the catastrophic consequences, I'm quite sure he won't ever do that again but I fight with the fact that the desire is or was there, and I fight with the secrecy and the huge breach of trust from someone I loved. In every way we had such a good relationship and were genuinely so close. Do I cling to the hope that we can get through this somehow, even though I've lost large chunks of my family who are appalled and disgusted, or will I always worry about what he's up to, or what's really going on in his head? Our relationship was so good once; how do I square that with now?

I know this doesn't define him, but it's simply devastating to have to wrestle with this dilemma. Has anyone ever genuinely moved on without much family support, and recovered? Does anyone have experience of a once good relationship being healed and restored? The hope is definitely there, but this whole demon of addiction is new to me and I don't know how realistic it is to expect someone to genuinely overcome this. Will I forever feel threatened about him spending time alone? That's no way to live. Does it get easier?

I had such a bad night last night (and judging by some of your middle of the night posts I can see I wasn’t the only one) and was awake for much of it trying to process how I felt when I discovered yesterday that my v recent ex who vowed undying love and said that his ‘heart wasn’t on the market’ and still wears the wedding ring we designed for our forthcoming marriage was on a dating app. Like poster I’ve had enough of the lies and drinking and ‘bad choices’ and addiction to child porn.... I’m beginnng to realise that although we were together for so long, and I felt so close to him, that he had a side to him that was good at keeping dark secrets.

Madeleine I know from reading Paula Halls book that many wives and partners find a way of remaining in their relationships, but each of us is so different. Like poster, I’d had enough. And although I have loads to work through, I believe I will ultimately be happier without him. My situation is different in that I’m older and we don’t share children.

I miss him, and I grieve for the life I thought I had.

And if i was younger and we shared children maybe my decision to throw him out would have been different. I still see him for coffee and we are now talking. But it almost feels like being with a stranger. And I suspect this weird relationship/friendship will fizzle. Especially if he starts dating (although good luck with that!) , or I find new love.

Thinking of you all

love Paula xxx

Maria, try and get 'The Porn Trap' it was recommended to my Husband by the Stop it now guys. I have read it as well and it really makes sense and I now understand way more about his porn addiction than I did before. It's helped me a lot.

I just can't get over the fact that he was talking to people about abusing children. Good God, even writing that makes me feel sick. Yes, he was desensitized to everyday porn, I get that and then when the extreme porn became less interesting he was dragged to another place on this app to chat to paedophiles about children, this is what I don't get. Surely they MUST be attracted to children to even go there let alone to masturbate over it. My Husband is a million percent adamant he isn't attracted to children and that he did it for (in his words!) a meaningless wank! I just don't get it at all and it's just so hard to come to terms with that our partners have spoken about or looked at pictures of poor, defenceless and vulnerable children. He would kill someone if it was our children so why was it ok for him to do it about someone else's child?

I wish someone had an answer and a magic wand to make this all go away.

In the first few months after 'the knock', I was obsessed by trying to understand why my husband had done what he had done. Now I have just say to myself that I will probably never know why, and I certainly won't be able to understand it. Therefore, it is better to just accept the fact that I don't know.

There are a few things he did tell me, both at the time and throughout the two and a half years since his arrest. First of all, he was depressed. I think this is something common to most of our partners. He was having problems at work and became increasingly withdrawn from the family. This was linked to him having low self-esteem and the fact that he found it difficult to form friendships within the community, despite joining clubs and voluntary organisations; he just didn't seem to fit in. I think he probably felt there was quite a difference with my circumstances as I have a wide social circle and was coping well in my job even though it was very stressful at times. A second consideration is the fact that he has a personality type that seems to be more at risk of developing dangerous addictions. He isn't a smoker, drinker or gambler, but he did admit to enjoying adult porn from an early age. Furthermore, he is the sort of person who becomes obsessed very easily and isn't able to use moderation when embarking upon a new activity. He went through various phases such as obessive fitness regimes and yo-yo dieting, and would spend hours upon hours researching obscure things on the internet (this is what I thought he was doing when he moved onto more sinister pursuits). I think in some cases he was seeking acceptance from a community where he could feel valued socially, and therefore he started posting obsessively on yachting and cycling forums. If he couldn't make friends in the real world, he could make them online with people who shared his interests. He tells me that he then became attracted to things that were risky, and his curiosity spurred him to look for novelty and excitement online. He didn't confine his interests to pornography, and claims that actually very little of his time was spent looking at indecent images, and he also became fascinated by extremist political sites and anything that was pushing the boundaries. Interestingly, he claims that he wouldn't touch anything that involved violence as he finds that repellent. He actually said that the main thing that fascinated him about the illegal sites he visited was monitoring their download speeds - I find that claim a little hard to accept!

One thing I do want to say, though, to all of you is that I have broken free from this relationship. I don't trust him, and I don't want to live my life with someone who, despite living with a loving and supportive wife, was unable to address his problems and who caused such disruption and humiliation to his family. There are so many comments on this thread that resonate with me. I especially remember the one about 'not loving the partner enough' to basically share the consequences of his behaviour with him. I think it is important that I stand up and say: yes, I have put myself first. It might sound selfish, but I'm going to move forward in my life and my ex will have to make the best of a situation that he has engineered himself. I'm in a new relationship (incidentally, my new partner was sexually abused as a child, was in a difficult marriage, had some problems at work and consequently became depressed because of all of these factors, but he NEVER would have done what my ex did - so there is a choice and nobody forced my ex to break the law) and I am so glad that I made the decision to put myself first.

All the best to all of you. Look after yourselves XXXX

Am the same as all off you I feel like I was never good enough and my self esteem is so low I feel ugly and disgusting why was I never enough I thought we had a good relationship we were ment to be getting married after been together for 19 years I never thought someone who is meant to love me could do something like this it makes me sick I have tried to break it off but when I do he says he's going to commite suacide and I feel guilty him leaving he's 3 children behind part of me what's to stand by him and the other half doesn't I just don't know what to do because if I break free I have the guilt off him killing him self on my toes and how do I explain that to he's children it makes me feel sick to think of him looking at child pornographer I hate to think that was what he was doing why me and he's children slept upstairs and them poor children how can anyone do this to them it makes me so angry and it would make him angry if that was he's children. WHY can't I get my head around this.

It is not fair for your partner to guilt you into staying. They need to seek help and you can provide support if you wish. But the treat of suicide can be a form of manipulation from him. You are not responsible for his actions. Encourage him to get support and if you genuinely do not want to be in a relationship with him then be honest with him. Your happiness is important, do not let others bring you down because that will make all this such much harder to deal with.

That is right the threat of suicide is manipulation. You have the right to do what you want with your life, if you really want to leave and they are threatening that then you advise them to go to A&E or call the services and they would be put under the crisis team



You can never let somone have that hold over you, really sorry to hear that :(