Getting back together?
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I'm not really sure how or where to start this. I just really need a non judgmental space to be able to ask questions to people that have been in my position. The knock came 6 months ago, one month after we had gotten engaged. It was the WORST day of my life he was my whole life my best friend everything. I stayed with him for about a month after and then I threw him out. Things with his family went downhill due to this and they now have disowned me after telling me they'd be there for me no matter what I chose. We've recently reconnected after I had tried to date someone and it didn't work the whole time I was thinking of him. I still love him and he says he loves me but I have many questions mostly in regards to what kind of life we could realistically have? My social worker (I was in foster care growing up) told me if i ever fell pregnant I'd be made to choose the baby or him. This is stuck in my mind and I really just need advice. What kind of life can we have? What will life be like after he comes out of jail if he goes? Would we ever be able to have children? Thanks for any help it's appreciated. I know it might seem wrong to ask about children but he says he's changed and would never do it again, I'm just very confused.
Hi Christine
I can only give my experience and perspective but hope it helps in some way.
I met my partner after he had the knock. He told me he was being investigated for downloading up to Cat A material and that he was very remorseful and didn't know at the time how to get help. Started as porn addiction and he also cat fished to live a 'fantasy'. I told him I needed to have some space and I did some research and spoke to Lucy faithful to gather my thoughts on staying with him. I knew it was going to be tough. For me personally I didn't want kids anyway but I had been told that if we did have a child then SS would be heavily involved and that he would have to live apart for at least a year.
From what I have seen on the forum is that the SS stance is not consistent across the country and some instances have occurred where they appear to change their mind. No one can stop you from having a child but it won't be made easy and situations may be made to change.
If found guilty they will be put on the register and have a sexual harm prevention order (and possible community service hours to complete) , prison may also be an outcome. Each of these come with restrictions on 'normal life' for the both of you. One thing I resent is we cant go to all the countries I would love to visit. And my partner has his phone checked occasionally and the police can view our private conversations.
Only you know what you can handle and do not think that if you stay you can't change your mind. There will obstacles you may have known or considered. Your well being is key.
I can only give my experience and perspective but hope it helps in some way.
I met my partner after he had the knock. He told me he was being investigated for downloading up to Cat A material and that he was very remorseful and didn't know at the time how to get help. Started as porn addiction and he also cat fished to live a 'fantasy'. I told him I needed to have some space and I did some research and spoke to Lucy faithful to gather my thoughts on staying with him. I knew it was going to be tough. For me personally I didn't want kids anyway but I had been told that if we did have a child then SS would be heavily involved and that he would have to live apart for at least a year.
From what I have seen on the forum is that the SS stance is not consistent across the country and some instances have occurred where they appear to change their mind. No one can stop you from having a child but it won't be made easy and situations may be made to change.
If found guilty they will be put on the register and have a sexual harm prevention order (and possible community service hours to complete) , prison may also be an outcome. Each of these come with restrictions on 'normal life' for the both of you. One thing I resent is we cant go to all the countries I would love to visit. And my partner has his phone checked occasionally and the police can view our private conversations.
Only you know what you can handle and do not think that if you stay you can't change your mind. There will obstacles you may have known or considered. Your well being is key.
I am only a month in, but I have no thoughts of leaving him at this point. But it is the unknown of the future that scares me. I have been married for 18 years and together for 22 years, I can't just walk away. I am believing what he is telling me that it is all a terrible mistake. He is doing online modules on stop it now and reading a book recommended and seems to want to show that he is doing all I am asking. He is scared and remorceful.
Just deciding on how to act and how to respond one day at a time!
Just deciding on how to act and how to respond one day at a time!
It does sound like your social worker hasn't done her homework. Risk Assessments would be performed but there have been cases where families have been able to reunite. Much therapy and understanding of this offence would have to take place - not an easy road at all - but not impossible or as black and white as your Social Worker would seem to imply.
Thanks folks, it obviously scared me as after being in care myself I was terrified at the thought as in her words "a social worker would come to the hospital and I'd be made choose between the baby or my partner if I chose my partner they would remove the baby from my care" I'm scared this would happen so don't know who to ask or what to do
Hi dear
Sorry you are going through this. I agree with majistictopaz15 that social services will be heavily involved when you choose to have baby and this is also true they will try for you to choose between you and your partner but they can't force this decision on you and can't take your baby away from you for this reason. For taking a baby away they have to go to court and court always in a favour of keeping the families together. I am with my partner, i met him after the knock and we had a baby together so i dealing with SS from long time now. It is a tough journey but not an impossible journey. I would suggest take it day by day and try to understand you partner why he did this and how remorseful he is. Whether he wants to change and how honest he is with you.
Sorry you are going through this. I agree with majistictopaz15 that social services will be heavily involved when you choose to have baby and this is also true they will try for you to choose between you and your partner but they can't force this decision on you and can't take your baby away from you for this reason. For taking a baby away they have to go to court and court always in a favour of keeping the families together. I am with my partner, i met him after the knock and we had a baby together so i dealing with SS from long time now. It is a tough journey but not an impossible journey. I would suggest take it day by day and try to understand you partner why he did this and how remorseful he is. Whether he wants to change and how honest he is with you.
I am on Mumsnet with username "Justamum9" if you have any questions about SS or if you need someone to talk to.
Hi I can't find you on mumsnet justamum9
That's strange. Can you give me your username please. I will send you message.
Yeah it's Chris1997
Hi Christine_123
I sent you message this afternoon on Mumsnet.
I sent you message this afternoon on Mumsnet.
Sorry I can't seem to find it
Did you get my reply?