3 Weeks In - Lost & Contemplating My Future
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Hi,
I'm 28 and I was due to be getting married next year - we got the 'knock' at the end of March just there. As soon as the police knocked, he explained he has accessed images. Once they had taken him away and were taking my statement The police mentioned that I would be better off leaving him as I'm young enough to move on with my life, and as I couldn't cope being on my own that day I went to my mum and dad's (I went in to shock when the police took my statement). He was released that same day and his court reading date is the beginning of July.
My mum and dad expressly set out their opinions that I should be leaving, as did my sister and brother. So I did. I love this man dearly, with all of my heart. He explained that he had just come across the images on a run of the mill porn site - didn't feel anything when he looked at them and deleted them and thought that was it. He was only on the porn site becuase he was bored when he was away from the house for a night. And I believe him - I truly do. He started drinking heavily at the end of last year and he has now said it is becuase of the shame he carried after accessing the images and he couldn't find the words to tell me. He is not a bad man - he has done a bad thing and will take any punishment given to him.
I also have a god-daughter, and SS called her mum who was one of my best friends and as I'm sure you can imagine it didn't go well. She has stopped speaking to me, has asked me to remove any photos I have of the wee one, and has also let me know that if I were to stay with him, I would 100% never see the wee one again.
My life has been turned upside down, backwards and therough a hedge. I am back at my mum and dads and hating it. I still love him dearly, he's my best friend. But the future is where I am scared. I want to be married, and I want to have children. He is potentially looking at 1-3 years on the register and some community service, but I need to know what this could entail if we were to have children. What involevement is there in Scotland, and what would be changed? And how our lives would be impacted once everything is over and his time on the register is complete? I am also terrified in case it ever gets out, as I do not know how I would be able to deal with it, however he has been told by the guys at the helpline that his case is likely to remain out of the media due to it being for only a handful of the lesser kind of image. The future is a huge part of my decision on what to do next.
Then comes family. That plays a massive part in any decision I make, I truly believe I would lose some of my family members. My parents feel that he could not be near any of my child cousins, or at any family gatherings - and he wouldn't be welcome in the house. They are also scared if it came out and people asked them if they knew - they wouldn't lie and feel they would be subject to riddicule also. I would definately lose my friend and my goddaughter (but I fear I have lost that already anyway through just being with him, she has expressly set out her unhappiness (understandably) and has ignored any of my contact). I also have a feeling if I did choose to go back with him, my friend would 'out' him. I am so confused and so helpless. The helpline was good, but it is the unknown. I feel like I need to make a decision about my future rather than dragging it out. I've made the decison on head over heart.
Sorry for the long post - I was unsure where to start and then when to stop! x
I'm 28 and I was due to be getting married next year - we got the 'knock' at the end of March just there. As soon as the police knocked, he explained he has accessed images. Once they had taken him away and were taking my statement The police mentioned that I would be better off leaving him as I'm young enough to move on with my life, and as I couldn't cope being on my own that day I went to my mum and dad's (I went in to shock when the police took my statement). He was released that same day and his court reading date is the beginning of July.
My mum and dad expressly set out their opinions that I should be leaving, as did my sister and brother. So I did. I love this man dearly, with all of my heart. He explained that he had just come across the images on a run of the mill porn site - didn't feel anything when he looked at them and deleted them and thought that was it. He was only on the porn site becuase he was bored when he was away from the house for a night. And I believe him - I truly do. He started drinking heavily at the end of last year and he has now said it is becuase of the shame he carried after accessing the images and he couldn't find the words to tell me. He is not a bad man - he has done a bad thing and will take any punishment given to him.
I also have a god-daughter, and SS called her mum who was one of my best friends and as I'm sure you can imagine it didn't go well. She has stopped speaking to me, has asked me to remove any photos I have of the wee one, and has also let me know that if I were to stay with him, I would 100% never see the wee one again.
My life has been turned upside down, backwards and therough a hedge. I am back at my mum and dads and hating it. I still love him dearly, he's my best friend. But the future is where I am scared. I want to be married, and I want to have children. He is potentially looking at 1-3 years on the register and some community service, but I need to know what this could entail if we were to have children. What involevement is there in Scotland, and what would be changed? And how our lives would be impacted once everything is over and his time on the register is complete? I am also terrified in case it ever gets out, as I do not know how I would be able to deal with it, however he has been told by the guys at the helpline that his case is likely to remain out of the media due to it being for only a handful of the lesser kind of image. The future is a huge part of my decision on what to do next.
Then comes family. That plays a massive part in any decision I make, I truly believe I would lose some of my family members. My parents feel that he could not be near any of my child cousins, or at any family gatherings - and he wouldn't be welcome in the house. They are also scared if it came out and people asked them if they knew - they wouldn't lie and feel they would be subject to riddicule also. I would definately lose my friend and my goddaughter (but I fear I have lost that already anyway through just being with him, she has expressly set out her unhappiness (understandably) and has ignored any of my contact). I also have a feeling if I did choose to go back with him, my friend would 'out' him. I am so confused and so helpless. The helpline was good, but it is the unknown. I feel like I need to make a decision about my future rather than dragging it out. I've made the decison on head over heart.
Sorry for the long post - I was unsure where to start and then when to stop! x
Hi, my situation sounds similar to yours, my husband also came across images through porn and has no interest in children. He was arrested late March but we do not know any futher dates other than when he needs to return for bail (which has been extended due to COVID)
I have taken him back into the home as I feel like you that it is a terrible mistake, I am also very concerned about the same things you are, the media, the sentencing, the impact on my wider family and friends. I haven't told anyone at all at this point as I just don't know where to start and when it would stop.
Sorry this is probably not helping you but other than to say you are not alone.
The advice I have had so far is one day at a time and that is what I am doing.
x
I have taken him back into the home as I feel like you that it is a terrible mistake, I am also very concerned about the same things you are, the media, the sentencing, the impact on my wider family and friends. I haven't told anyone at all at this point as I just don't know where to start and when it would stop.
Sorry this is probably not helping you but other than to say you are not alone.
The advice I have had so far is one day at a time and that is what I am doing.
x
Hello ladies I am truely sorry for the situation you have found yourselves in. At the end of the day only you can make the decision if you stay or go.
I personally stayed with my partner of 17 years as this was out of character and felt there was more to the situation. People are quick to judge without knowing the full details.
Please stay strong and sending big hugs to you both. xxxx
I personally stayed with my partner of 17 years as this was out of character and felt there was more to the situation. People are quick to judge without knowing the full details.
Please stay strong and sending big hugs to you both. xxxx
Oh sweetie , so sorry you have joined us ,but you will get nothing but support here. This site has saved my life. I have decided to stay, and one of the main reasons i am staying is because my hb is trying so hard and has been honest from the knock on wards. But it hurts , hurts so bad i don't. Know how i am going to react. Am i going to cry. Shout, scream or laugh!But over all i love him and know this is not who he is. He has done the vile , disgusting thing and i do not condone what he has done and know he will never forgive himself ( i am working on that on myself). But i know i will have a bad time of it all round ; i will lose people and gain people. My mental health is shit an
Sorry pressed the button to soon.
And money i have not got a clue how i am going toget on. But on the plus side i am see my old hb coming back and thats wounderful. We have such a long and hard. road to travel and some of it we will travel alone but we will get by and we will succeed we ever we end up together.
Stay strong xxx
And money i have not got a clue how i am going toget on. But on the plus side i am see my old hb coming back and thats wounderful. We have such a long and hard. road to travel and some of it we will travel alone but we will get by and we will succeed we ever we end up together.
Stay strong xxx
Unfortunately there will always be alot of unknowns and that is why it is best to take it day by day, read the forums and the helpline. In no way are you to blame for his actions. I personally would try to have a frank discussion with your friend to remind her of this and that you dont condone his actions in anyway. They might calm down over time. And Scotland do seem to be a bit different to the rest of the UK. From what I have seen they appear to process quicker. It is shame they had already approached your friend.
It is up to you if you take him back. Together you will have to create a 'new normal' way of life. If charged there will be restrictions in place and having children in the future may have to involve SS, especially when the sentence is not yet spent (tho I recommend getting legal advice on this if you ever consider).
Hugs
It is up to you if you take him back. Together you will have to create a 'new normal' way of life. If charged there will be restrictions in place and having children in the future may have to involve SS, especially when the sentence is not yet spent (tho I recommend getting legal advice on this if you ever consider).
Hugs
Hello, just wanted to let you know your not alone. We got engaged then 3 months later the 'knock' happened and we are of similar age. For me this journey has been ongoing for over 2 years and it still hasn't been concluded so we can move on with our lives. I stayed with my partner now hubby, this wasn't a light decision and required a lot of learning to understand 'why'. After lots of discussions with my partner who was remorseful from the start, talking to releavant professionals including psychosexual therapists and doing lots of research the results and conclusions is that we are in this situation due to a 'porn addiction' which my husband developed as a teen to manage choodhood trauma, anxiety and depression, and into adulthood insomnia. I chose to stay based on my partners response and the fact this was so out of character and didn't fit the stereotypical peadophile description I have grown up to understand from media and literature etc. The links between porn addiction and this type of offense is astronomical and really needs to start being discussed in the public. A recent article has been published stating there is a new type of offender emerging... a porn induced paedophile, which is just terribly sad as this shouldn't be happening and wouldn't be if we discussed the dangers of porn and the internet better.
Me and my hubby are doing this journey alone with a few offering amazing support, others not so much due to lack of understanding which I need to remind myself. Although it's disapointing I remind myself I was not aware of what I knew regarding this problem prior to it entering my life, therefore I shouldn't expect others immediatly to understand, but I do wish they would be open to listen. I still have bad days where I struggle to accept I have lost friends as I feel so misunderstood, but I feel happy and confident with my decision as I know my husband is not a bad man, he is a person who has made poor choices and been caught up in a industry who benefits from his vulnerability and poor mental health. He has been working hard from the start to address his addiction and mental health and is willing to accept his punishment...rightly so.
Only you know what is the right choice for you, please don't let anyone else influence your descision. Do your research, speak to your partner, have a think about you then make a decision which you feel is right. That doesn't mean you can't change your mind in the future. Dont make any hasty or life changing decisions just yet as your still trying to process everything. Im over 2 years in and still processing, taking each day as it comes and open to all new research coming out about this topic.
Stay strong, this will pass you just need to ride everything out which unfortuantly is a lengthy process. Make sure you focus on you and your wellbeing, those who matter will stick around or return and those who don't then you don't need them. You are much stronger than you realise, you just need to believe in yourself, youve done nothing wrong.
Me and my hubby are doing this journey alone with a few offering amazing support, others not so much due to lack of understanding which I need to remind myself. Although it's disapointing I remind myself I was not aware of what I knew regarding this problem prior to it entering my life, therefore I shouldn't expect others immediatly to understand, but I do wish they would be open to listen. I still have bad days where I struggle to accept I have lost friends as I feel so misunderstood, but I feel happy and confident with my decision as I know my husband is not a bad man, he is a person who has made poor choices and been caught up in a industry who benefits from his vulnerability and poor mental health. He has been working hard from the start to address his addiction and mental health and is willing to accept his punishment...rightly so.
Only you know what is the right choice for you, please don't let anyone else influence your descision. Do your research, speak to your partner, have a think about you then make a decision which you feel is right. That doesn't mean you can't change your mind in the future. Dont make any hasty or life changing decisions just yet as your still trying to process everything. Im over 2 years in and still processing, taking each day as it comes and open to all new research coming out about this topic.
Stay strong, this will pass you just need to ride everything out which unfortuantly is a lengthy process. Make sure you focus on you and your wellbeing, those who matter will stick around or return and those who don't then you don't need them. You are much stronger than you realise, you just need to believe in yourself, youve done nothing wrong.
Hi everyone,
Thank you for all of your responses. It is absolutely helping. I made the choice to tell my dad how I'm feeling about it all and thankfully he seems to understand but we are of the agreement that mum won't.
I think where I am at is wanting to understand more. I am a why person so understanding as much as I can is quite important. I have no reason to believe that he would lie about what will be found or the number of images, however I feel that my trust almost needs to be regained or reproven, so I will see what comes out of the police findings. Hopefully they have this by the time of his reading in July.
I feel I am wanting to understand more about the possible convictions and what they may mean. If he goes on the SOR which is probably, does he automatically get a SHPO? Does that last longer than the time on the register? I need to see what would happen if we were to have children too, also a massive point. I know I won't have answers to any of this for a long time, but it doesn't stop me wondering.
I don't know what's best. I made the quick jump decision to end it and move back to mum and dad, as it was what my parents, family, friend and even police told me to do and I now feel that was so quick and I never got a chance to think and react how I wanted. I feel my actions were forced. However as I am now at my parents, I am now too scares to jump back in to potentially leave later depending on what happens in the future. Being in this house is horrendous for my mental health, but I guess needs must.
Possibly just a waiting game now. See what happens. I pray to God it stays quiet, is over as quickly as possible, and I am proven wrong for having my doubts on what might be found.
X
Thank you for all of your responses. It is absolutely helping. I made the choice to tell my dad how I'm feeling about it all and thankfully he seems to understand but we are of the agreement that mum won't.
I think where I am at is wanting to understand more. I am a why person so understanding as much as I can is quite important. I have no reason to believe that he would lie about what will be found or the number of images, however I feel that my trust almost needs to be regained or reproven, so I will see what comes out of the police findings. Hopefully they have this by the time of his reading in July.
I feel I am wanting to understand more about the possible convictions and what they may mean. If he goes on the SOR which is probably, does he automatically get a SHPO? Does that last longer than the time on the register? I need to see what would happen if we were to have children too, also a massive point. I know I won't have answers to any of this for a long time, but it doesn't stop me wondering.
I don't know what's best. I made the quick jump decision to end it and move back to mum and dad, as it was what my parents, family, friend and even police told me to do and I now feel that was so quick and I never got a chance to think and react how I wanted. I feel my actions were forced. However as I am now at my parents, I am now too scares to jump back in to potentially leave later depending on what happens in the future. Being in this house is horrendous for my mental health, but I guess needs must.
Possibly just a waiting game now. See what happens. I pray to God it stays quiet, is over as quickly as possible, and I am proven wrong for having my doubts on what might be found.
X
I was in the exact same position! I was told by family friends and the police that my ex partners crime was inexcusable and I had to leave him. I threw him out and along with it lost his family. I tried to date another man but it wouldn't work I still loved my ex. We have recently reconnected and we still very much are in love but taking it a day at a time. Please don't feel alone in this
To start i don't think its the polices place tosay stay or go . I would report that. My ploice DI told me my husband had made a mistake and everyone deserves a second chance. I have decided to stay and that is all down to my husband and his reaction and accepting he needs help. And honesty all the way. At times to honest but if that what it takes then thats what it takes. Also i have spoken to LF and with a clear understanding i think i can do it. But my chiksren are born and left home so i do not have the SS and i have changed my career si i no longer teach.These things have to be taken into making your decision. And as many have said i can walk any time and he kniws that so lie and by. Thats my moto. And i am not doing any of the nasty stuff. I will not be there when he has to tell more people and i will not go to any court. He looked on his own he can do that bit on his own. But i support him all the way if he keeps on working hard and going forward. And i have made it clear that second chance is the last chance. And our children have stuck by us more him which is because of the great father he is and the strong foundation he built. So he is very lucky and he knows that. Thus is a decision that only you can make no one else but its not an easy one because it will effect your life . Hugs sweetie xx
This thread has been so helpful to me too - for where I am currently - which is nearly 5 months post knock. My husband of 30+ years tried to commit suicide again the night before last - because I was having a bad day and said some harsh things - and he’s still so fragile.
He went up into the woods and took all the tablets he could find (mostly his antidepressants and anxiolytics washed down with cheap lager). I was wondering where he was when it got dark, and went to find him. Cue the Ambulance, police (with a dog!) and no sleep until 4am. Nightmare.
He is remorseful and sad and broken. He’s been going to a therapist and trying to understand. As have I. And as you have all said - this whole offence of looking at indecent images was so completely out of character and the internet played a huge part in that, with its ease of access to these materials. I’ve read a lot about it and come to understand the nature of porn addiction. Sadly, the rest of society hasn’t - and won’t discuss it enough to want to understand - dismissing all these men as nasty perverts and paedophiles.
His pain and hurt is making me so sad. He feels like he’s ‘holding me back’. But without his strength and support over the years I certainly wouldn’t be where I am now. So I’m staying with him because I owe him. And, perhaps most of all, I love the good man that he is.
Crazy and confused - I’m sorry to hijack your thread, but there’s some good and helpful advice in the responses so far. Taking it day by day and not rushing into hasty decisions. And only YOU can make the choice of whether to stay or go.
I’ve been finding it hard to find words - so thanks.
He went up into the woods and took all the tablets he could find (mostly his antidepressants and anxiolytics washed down with cheap lager). I was wondering where he was when it got dark, and went to find him. Cue the Ambulance, police (with a dog!) and no sleep until 4am. Nightmare.
He is remorseful and sad and broken. He’s been going to a therapist and trying to understand. As have I. And as you have all said - this whole offence of looking at indecent images was so completely out of character and the internet played a huge part in that, with its ease of access to these materials. I’ve read a lot about it and come to understand the nature of porn addiction. Sadly, the rest of society hasn’t - and won’t discuss it enough to want to understand - dismissing all these men as nasty perverts and paedophiles.
His pain and hurt is making me so sad. He feels like he’s ‘holding me back’. But without his strength and support over the years I certainly wouldn’t be where I am now. So I’m staying with him because I owe him. And, perhaps most of all, I love the good man that he is.
Crazy and confused - I’m sorry to hijack your thread, but there’s some good and helpful advice in the responses so far. Taking it day by day and not rushing into hasty decisions. And only YOU can make the choice of whether to stay or go.
I’ve been finding it hard to find words - so thanks.
Oh sweetie , this is so hard sucide is so common with this crime. My hb trued once but luckyime. My hb tried but i cought him thank god. No one shoukd be made to feel that that is the only way out. His GP has been great. One thing i will say is talk and talk to hb, friends if you have rold any and on here for me its made such a big difference. Hugs xx
Hi Guys,
Please don't worry about hi-jacking the post - it is helpful for all of us to have somewhere to vent and get it all out and look for advice!
I think i have a plan in place, or a journey... if you can even call it that. I've totally thrown myself in to understanding all of this, and what different outcomes mean. I've decided to try to take it a day at a time and remain living apart at the moment, albeit 'seeing each other' (more like being how we were at the start of the relationship)! This is going to take time.
What is still getting me is that I know what I wish, but it doesn't account for my family reaction. I have been told by one of my friends that she couldn't have any kind of relationship with him, but will support me. Totally understandable and I appreciate that. I am also worried about my family, this is a massive thing. I just can't see my family changing their stance, so it might be that I end up not being able to go back because my family do not support it :(
Eugh. This is very difficult. x
Please don't worry about hi-jacking the post - it is helpful for all of us to have somewhere to vent and get it all out and look for advice!
I think i have a plan in place, or a journey... if you can even call it that. I've totally thrown myself in to understanding all of this, and what different outcomes mean. I've decided to try to take it a day at a time and remain living apart at the moment, albeit 'seeing each other' (more like being how we were at the start of the relationship)! This is going to take time.
What is still getting me is that I know what I wish, but it doesn't account for my family reaction. I have been told by one of my friends that she couldn't have any kind of relationship with him, but will support me. Totally understandable and I appreciate that. I am also worried about my family, this is a massive thing. I just can't see my family changing their stance, so it might be that I end up not being able to go back because my family do not support it :(
Eugh. This is very difficult. x