3 weeks in - not sure where to start
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Hi everyone.
We had the knock 3 weeks ago. Like pretty much everyone else, it was a total shock. My husband immediately admitted to accessing IIOC and they seized the electronics and told us the process will take months before we get to court. Social services came because we have a 6 year old but let him stay (with protective measures) and hasn't been in contact for a couple of weeks while they develop a plan. So it feels very much like we're in limbo following a total blow-up of our lives.
My husband found a therapist through StopSO and will have his initial session tomorrow. He doesn't want to talk about it with me until he's spoken to the therapist, though he thinks it stems from repressed childhood abuse. In the meantime, I'm alternating between trying to go on as normal, mainly for our child, and freaking out about the future. When will people find out and how will they react? We live in a small village outside a smallish city - will we have to move? I never changed my surname and our child took my name, will this follow us around? Will we have to change schools? Will he go to prison? And of course should I stay with him? I'm leaning that way but we've agreed we need couples counselling before I can really decide.
I don't have any support network here because I'm from another country and all of my friends are from our child's school. My husband expects his grown-up children will end contact with him. So I feel terribly isolated and I'm afraid to tell anyone I know. I even feel judged by my therapist because she called him a paedophile, though I guess he is one in a way.
I guess I don't have any real questions but appreciate it if you made it this far. I've been reading the forum and taking comfort that other partners have been through this and some did stay and have gone with their lives, however changed. Just not sure what I'm supposed to do now.
We had the knock 3 weeks ago. Like pretty much everyone else, it was a total shock. My husband immediately admitted to accessing IIOC and they seized the electronics and told us the process will take months before we get to court. Social services came because we have a 6 year old but let him stay (with protective measures) and hasn't been in contact for a couple of weeks while they develop a plan. So it feels very much like we're in limbo following a total blow-up of our lives.
My husband found a therapist through StopSO and will have his initial session tomorrow. He doesn't want to talk about it with me until he's spoken to the therapist, though he thinks it stems from repressed childhood abuse. In the meantime, I'm alternating between trying to go on as normal, mainly for our child, and freaking out about the future. When will people find out and how will they react? We live in a small village outside a smallish city - will we have to move? I never changed my surname and our child took my name, will this follow us around? Will we have to change schools? Will he go to prison? And of course should I stay with him? I'm leaning that way but we've agreed we need couples counselling before I can really decide.
I don't have any support network here because I'm from another country and all of my friends are from our child's school. My husband expects his grown-up children will end contact with him. So I feel terribly isolated and I'm afraid to tell anyone I know. I even feel judged by my therapist because she called him a paedophile, though I guess he is one in a way.
I guess I don't have any real questions but appreciate it if you made it this far. I've been reading the forum and taking comfort that other partners have been through this and some did stay and have gone with their lives, however changed. Just not sure what I'm supposed to do now.
Hello,
I'm similar in that I'm on day 6 after the knock. He is currently residing elsewhere, as we also have a 6 and 5yr old. Only supervised contact is allowed at present for us, but as we are on lockdown, not sure when he will see them again. I'm also freaking out about my job, we shared childcare and then consequentially losing the house. Still feel so shocked and full of anger that it has destroyed myself and my children's lives, whilst we have done nothing wrong. Still unsure whether I'm staying or not.
I'm similar in that I'm on day 6 after the knock. He is currently residing elsewhere, as we also have a 6 and 5yr old. Only supervised contact is allowed at present for us, but as we are on lockdown, not sure when he will see them again. I'm also freaking out about my job, we shared childcare and then consequentially losing the house. Still feel so shocked and full of anger that it has destroyed myself and my children's lives, whilst we have done nothing wrong. Still unsure whether I'm staying or not.
Hi,
unfortunately you are not alone in your feelings or your situation.
Such a horrible place to be, none of it is your fault and I am learning this more and more every day.
I keep having nightmares about what could happen and what the future will hold, but I have been following mindfullness thinking for about a year now and so I am trying to only deal with the reality of the now and not predict the future as I am not in control of it.
Take care of yourself and your family and deal with each challenge you face
unfortunately you are not alone in your feelings or your situation.
Such a horrible place to be, none of it is your fault and I am learning this more and more every day.
I keep having nightmares about what could happen and what the future will hold, but I have been following mindfullness thinking for about a year now and so I am trying to only deal with the reality of the now and not predict the future as I am not in control of it.
Take care of yourself and your family and deal with each challenge you face
It saddens me so many more are having to come to the forums but happy you have found it. This will create a start of a support network you will really need.
It is tough, whether you stay or leave. It is a long process, longer in England than Scotland and even longer now with isolation. You are not alone through this. We have all been or are in your situation. I am 5 year in, stayed with my husband and 2 children and survived. The best way is to take it day by day. Do not worry too much about what the future may or may not hold. It's so difficult to think that far ahead although I know it isnt easy.
It is tough, whether you stay or leave. It is a long process, longer in England than Scotland and even longer now with isolation. You are not alone through this. We have all been or are in your situation. I am 5 year in, stayed with my husband and 2 children and survived. The best way is to take it day by day. Do not worry too much about what the future may or may not hold. It's so difficult to think that far ahead although I know it isnt easy.
Thanks for the responses. I'm also sorry to see others here, though in a way it also helps, knowing I'm not alone! Sorry if that sounds selfish. AI24, I now feel lucky that he is still here as I wouldn't be able to cope with working and child care, plus the impact of Daddy suddenly disappearing and the living costs. It's really scary.
KLDB and Sallyblue, I am going to try to take it day by day. I'm trying to find the balance between avoidance and putting myself through the grinder 24/7. I am feeling a little better because I just told my sister and she was very supportive. I don't expect I'll tell anyone else anytime soon though.
I'm hoping we all come out of our crises stronger, no matter what happens.
KLDB and Sallyblue, I am going to try to take it day by day. I'm trying to find the balance between avoidance and putting myself through the grinder 24/7. I am feeling a little better because I just told my sister and she was very supportive. I don't expect I'll tell anyone else anytime soon though.
I'm hoping we all come out of our crises stronger, no matter what happens.
Lenore I'm glad that you could confide in your sister. I haven't brought myself to tell anyone. My mum phoned just for a chat last night, and i couldn't bare burdening it on her. Could i ask what protective measures were put in place, in relation to your child and partner? At present the kids haven't seen daddy for 8 days, since the police came. We've been told that he's not allowed to stay overnight and everything would have to be supervised by myself. He's currently still residing at paremts, due to lockdown and that he's to stay there.