Falling apart
Notifications OFF
We still have a month to wait for sentencing and up to now I have supported my husband.
My grown up children are incredibly distressed by it all and yesterday made it clear that they wanted me to leave him, otherwise it felt like I wasn't supportive of them. I've always thought I'd be able to stay, but now it looks like I nay have to choose between my husband or my children and grandchildren. As yet I haven't decided, and I'd have to work out the practical steps carefully, we are in social housing and I'm not sure they'd rehouse us both so one of us would probably have to live in expensive private rented property. Not that it would stop me but I have to be practical. My children are so distressed and hurt, and that hurts me so much. This is probably the first time in this long journey where I can see my life as it was disappearing and that makes me so sad. I know no one can decide to stay or go, except me so I have some very hard thinking to do, and even harder decisions to make. Not exactly seeking advice today, just clarifying my thinking I suppose.
My grown up children are incredibly distressed by it all and yesterday made it clear that they wanted me to leave him, otherwise it felt like I wasn't supportive of them. I've always thought I'd be able to stay, but now it looks like I nay have to choose between my husband or my children and grandchildren. As yet I haven't decided, and I'd have to work out the practical steps carefully, we are in social housing and I'm not sure they'd rehouse us both so one of us would probably have to live in expensive private rented property. Not that it would stop me but I have to be practical. My children are so distressed and hurt, and that hurts me so much. This is probably the first time in this long journey where I can see my life as it was disappearing and that makes me so sad. I know no one can decide to stay or go, except me so I have some very hard thinking to do, and even harder decisions to make. Not exactly seeking advice today, just clarifying my thinking I suppose.
Hi Lost123
Thank you for your thoughts, it helps, honestly I think this forum is the only place where I feel understood, you have to go through this to understand how it feels. My children have different reasons and for one of my daughters, yes she has had ss involvement and like many people on here say, they are more judgemental than the police. They concluded she was a safe parent and advised 'minimal' contact so mainly because of that she doesn't want to see him as she's so angry her boys were involved, and had to be told about the offence because they're old enough to understand. My other daughter says her trust in him has gone, and to an extent her trust in me because we didn't tell them when he got arrested, I don't know if that was right or wrong, we just decided to wait to see if they were going to charge, with no idea it would be so long. As soon as he was charged in January we told them immediately but she thinks I've been lying all this time to protect him, and she doesn't think he deserves my protection when he's offended.
My youngest daughter (27)thinks she remembered accidentally seeing something on the computer when she was a teenager, and remembered it disturbed her but she didn't tell anyone. That shook me and I talked to my husband about it, he can't remember but it could have been possible, not that it was intentional but even so I'm disturbed by that.
They are all one way and another reflecting on their childhood and finding it wanting, not abusive but that they found their dad difficult. This has only come out now, and if this hadn't happened I don't know if they'd examine their childhood like that.
My upbringing wasn't easy I had a very overbearing dad and a mum with severe mental health issues (depression) but even now I think they tried their best, no they weren't perfect but they were good enough and I believe did their best as parents.
So I'm finding this hard, and part of me is annoyed that my children are holding me to ransom. They've on separate occasions said they don't believe he's a contact risk, and his probation report said he was no immediate risk to children. Because he hasn't been sentenced yet, we don't know what restrictions the SHPO might have.
I don't even know if a risk assessment would help them right now they are all so angry, feel betrayed and seem to see me as supporting someone despicable.
I'm thinking it all through.
Thank you for your thoughts, it helps, honestly I think this forum is the only place where I feel understood, you have to go through this to understand how it feels. My children have different reasons and for one of my daughters, yes she has had ss involvement and like many people on here say, they are more judgemental than the police. They concluded she was a safe parent and advised 'minimal' contact so mainly because of that she doesn't want to see him as she's so angry her boys were involved, and had to be told about the offence because they're old enough to understand. My other daughter says her trust in him has gone, and to an extent her trust in me because we didn't tell them when he got arrested, I don't know if that was right or wrong, we just decided to wait to see if they were going to charge, with no idea it would be so long. As soon as he was charged in January we told them immediately but she thinks I've been lying all this time to protect him, and she doesn't think he deserves my protection when he's offended.
My youngest daughter (27)thinks she remembered accidentally seeing something on the computer when she was a teenager, and remembered it disturbed her but she didn't tell anyone. That shook me and I talked to my husband about it, he can't remember but it could have been possible, not that it was intentional but even so I'm disturbed by that.
They are all one way and another reflecting on their childhood and finding it wanting, not abusive but that they found their dad difficult. This has only come out now, and if this hadn't happened I don't know if they'd examine their childhood like that.
My upbringing wasn't easy I had a very overbearing dad and a mum with severe mental health issues (depression) but even now I think they tried their best, no they weren't perfect but they were good enough and I believe did their best as parents.
So I'm finding this hard, and part of me is annoyed that my children are holding me to ransom. They've on separate occasions said they don't believe he's a contact risk, and his probation report said he was no immediate risk to children. Because he hasn't been sentenced yet, we don't know what restrictions the SHPO might have.
I don't even know if a risk assessment would help them right now they are all so angry, feel betrayed and seem to see me as supporting someone despicable.
I'm thinking it all through.
Lost123 thank you again for your thoughts and comments, the family rights group is a good idea to clarify what ss have said I will try to contact them in time.
You are right, for all of on here we begin to reflect on our relationship and wonder if we should have seen something or acted a different way, we all on here I think feel a sense of responsibility even though it was our partner at that keyboard not us.
I think it takes maturity to do what you have done and tried to accept that your parents probably tried their best. I'm starting counselling with StopSo next week to see if that will help me to find a way through this, supporting both my husband and my children.
I hope you make progress with your case, it sounds to me like your husband is luck to have you by his side right now and I hope he appreciates it. Like you I've had some problems with my husband over our married life, who hasn't? But I don't think he is a bad man, he has a flawed psychology and has worked hard to put it right since the knock.
My children and I have all used Lucy Faithfull a lot and perhaps as you say, time will help.
Thank you again for your kind and wise words!
Take care x
You are right, for all of on here we begin to reflect on our relationship and wonder if we should have seen something or acted a different way, we all on here I think feel a sense of responsibility even though it was our partner at that keyboard not us.
I think it takes maturity to do what you have done and tried to accept that your parents probably tried their best. I'm starting counselling with StopSo next week to see if that will help me to find a way through this, supporting both my husband and my children.
I hope you make progress with your case, it sounds to me like your husband is luck to have you by his side right now and I hope he appreciates it. Like you I've had some problems with my husband over our married life, who hasn't? But I don't think he is a bad man, he has a flawed psychology and has worked hard to put it right since the knock.
My children and I have all used Lucy Faithfull a lot and perhaps as you say, time will help.
Thank you again for your kind and wise words!
Take care x