Family and Friends Forum

Hello, i am also wondering this. My partners bail is set until the 28th of this month. He's really not doing well and i haven't seen him since the police turned up, 8 days ago. He told me tonight that he wants to die. I just don't know what to tell him.

There is a life after, I promise. This waiting on sentencing, that is the hardest part. The waiting is so intense. We are 5 years in now. My husband loves with us and our children. Social services have closed our case. There is nothing stopping us from living a normal life. Of course there are restrictions such as some foreign travel, updating the register but we are a family.

The offence is a blip, a big one but a blip non the less. It CAN be overcome. X

I can give our experience. My partner had the knock in 2017. He was found to have iioc and animal abuse footage/images. His life was turned upside down. Lost his job in the public sector, and hadn't been allowed by his ex wife to see his kids.



But since the knock he has worked so hard to rehabilitate. He got a job within s few months (you don't have to disclose an investigation) and got his own place near family. I met him a few months after the knock. He told me about the investigation within 2 weeks of dating. It shocked me and I do expect most to walk away. I personally stuck around because I could see how remorseful he was and that he was working on rehabilitation on his own. Whilst waiting for charges and sentencing it was been tense. His job was low pay but they didn't ask questions, he was able to be semi flexible to go to hearings and training with Lucy faithful. We moved in together and there was a worry about what if he was sent to jail. I made sure we had a 6 month break clause in the rent agreement just in case I needed to move back home with family.

Finally sentenced in aug 2019. Two years prison sentence suspended for two years and 200 hours community service. On the register and shpo for ten years. This helped finally have certainty. There are restrictions but easily enough to adapt and my partner keeps the police informed when required.

He did look for a new job and did struggle once they ask for record of convictions. But he did find a well paid job in the sector he was in before the arrest and they didn't ask for convictions history and was cleared with probation (to check the role was not going to involve contact with kids)

We won't be able to travel to all locations we want and the next battle for us is to get visitation rights for my partner to see his kids. We plan to get married in the next few years.

Overall I would try to not think that all doors are closed. It is hard work and the authorities don't really help with reaching better prospects. It requires determination a d support from friends and family.

The one thing that for me could cock this up is my family and friends finding out about the conviction. We have managed to keep it secret but I think most suspect something because he hasn't seen his kids for three years.

Oh and to add we had no media involved. He was reported by someone online rather than vigilantes and even tho what he did was terrible compared to those that get media attention it was not much interest I guess. It is a bit like pot luck but it was always a concern.



Seems weird but I try to make sure that we live a private life, e.g. don't enter to be on TV or be in the media in any way. Just in case anyone does any digging on my partner.

Luxy, my husbands case was all over social media, in papers on the radio. His name and home address (my address) published. We moved away once SS dismissed us after 4 years under their eye. No one ever tried to hurt him. In fact in the years he had one person whisper near him. That's it. I got more abuse than he did.

The pressure is unreal, I got through with counselling and my children. X

Hi,

We got the knock 4 years ago, our son was 18months old. 2 years suspended sentence, 100 hours community service, 5 years on the register. Where nearly at 1 year left in the register, my partner got unsupervised with our son, and have managed to live a normal life, where now considering having another child, we've been told that the child will automatically go on the register, as another assessment would need to be done, my partner wouldn't be able to have unsupervised straight away, but because we've done a lff assessment and parent protect assessment, we can't do much more so they have to move forward!



Although social can be a nightmare, I encourage you to do all assessments with them, and your own research, keeping safe, make sure you understand the signs of any abuse, I knew because of personal experience and working in care.

Please don't feel your alone!

I'm happy to try and support anyone who needs it!



Keep strong and stay safe xx

Hi C123

It is good to see that you are on the other side now. I will definately give hope to others. Has SS closed your case now? If so i am wondering why they will involved again. My son is 10 months old and on CPP plan and being told by everyone including professional that once SS close case for good then there will be no involvement by them in future. My experience with SS is a complete nightmare and i don't want them in my life again once this is over.

What is parent protect assessment? Is it a psychological assessment or something?

SallyBlue, Majestictopaz15 and C123 - thanks for sharing. Good to hear there's hope at the end of the tunnel (and light!). We're 6 months and waiting - three suicide attempts later - It could be another year or more - and THEN there's the waiting for CPS. I don't want to move after nearly 30 years of putting down roots in this location - but my husband really couldn't face the neighbours if there was any publicity - he's already racked with shame and remorse. We toddle along day to day with this huge shadow looming.

Hi C123

Can I ask how you managed to get ss to agree unsupervised? You mention your child was only 18 months which I would assume ss would want a lot of evidence about safeguarding? Thanks

That was a lovely post Ann...

For my partner it was another year of no contact or cards from any of his children or grandchildren. I can't fathom why no compassion has been shown and its painful to see him so sad.

He brought up the subject of rewriting his will. He stated that now they no longer want to know him he wants to change who benefits from his death. He also wants clauses incuded which forbid there attendance at his funeral.

Sometimes I just want the world to stop and for us to both go back in time.

Best wishes...

Sorry.. This was meant for the Father's day subject..

Hi all, it is anyone from Wales (because the social services looks to be more strict here) that was able after this type of convictions/offences to keep familly together , because in our case the SS don't want to hear nothing else than total separation, they allowed supervised contact betwen son and father on community/open spaces but they don't care if that is possibile or not in the actual situation with Covid and Winter weather. The SS are not interested in any kind of assesement for the father or any work that the father is doing to low the risk and change himself. Dad was convicted for downloading images.

It is so mad for a wife to show forgiveness and still want to help her husband ?

It is really how they are saying, that until son turn 18, nothing can change?

Hi to everyone.

I wonder why this site does not have the same facility that the family rights group has. On the family rights group site you can private message site users so that it's not seen by everyone on the forum which means it would be easier to communicate with each other. I hope this is something the site can look into in the furure x

I agree Nicenana - it would be great to be able to private message people on here. There are definitely people I feel I could connect with but you can't do this on this site.

I to wonder if life will ever be normal when this is over..what the future may hold and if my husband will ever be the same again..

he's not allowed home at the moment until SW has completed outstanding work with me..

im one step ahead of her though and have completed a family safety plan for her to look at when she decides to get back in touch , which at the time of me writing this is now four weeks nearly since I had contact with her..two of those weeks she's been on leave.

she thinks I can't or don't know how to protect my daughter if my husband is allowed home.

she thinks I don't believe that he may pose a risk.

i feel it's unfair of her to make these assumptions when she's only done a 20 minute session with me..

well I hope I can prove her wrong when she sees this family safety plan I've created..

of course I'm angry with my husband.I hate him for putting me in a position where I now have to prove myself that I'm a good parent.

ive never been good at anything in my life and I always thought that being a parent was the one thing I was good at, now being in this situation has me questioning myself and doubting myself and wondering do SS and SW believe me to be unfit and useless?

but I will do whatever I can to prove them different.

hope you get the answers

xx

The Police closed our case early 2019 and there were no repercussions for my husband. I had to go through lots of hoops with SS of safer carers assessments to supervise visits and the case was closed in October 2019.

I was told I would have to supervise visits but do you know if this will have to be for life? Our son is 4 years old. Husband and I want to work on trying to co-parent with him moving back once life returns to more normality post Covid.

As our son has seen a little more of his Daddy and our son was mentioning him at nursery, they reported it to SS because they didn't know what was allowed. SS phoned, I felt sick again and they want to do another safe guarding chat.

Question is, if the case is closed, when can husband have unsupervised visits?

majestictopaz15

How refreshing to hear a positive story. I admire you and am pleased that you were able to see past what your partner had done when he had to come clean in a very new relationship. My situation is similar in that respect, and I choose to support him and stay with him. Sadly he was charged and got four years in prison. It became public knowledge and I am now suffering the backlash from it. I have lost friends already and I am now being somewhat economical with the truth with regards to what and who I tell anything to. The peer pressure from everyone is so hard. Last night my eldest child who has been really supportive has told me I need to wake up and accept and acknowedge that I cannot have any future with him or else we will ALL lose our friends and family. That has crushed me to be honest as obviously my children have been affected by this as well. My children are both in their 20's so young adults but still my first priority. They both miss him, and want him to get the help he needs but obviously cannot see a future with him in it. I am feeling very heartbroken and angry today with the whole situation.



I wish you both well and I hope your partner can build a relationship again with his children. X

Hi the divide

I'm sorry to hear about what your eldest said. It is so hard on everyone and I can understand why they feel the way they do. It is a tough decision but it is up to you, and I hope you dont feel like you have to decide right away.

Maybe in time you can explain that ex convicts can have a future and lead normalish lives.

We have managed to still keep it secret but my mum has hinted she knows something is up but doesn't want to know because she doesn't want to think differently of him.

And thank you for the well wishes in regards to the kids. Still on going with the courts but we hope it will be resolved soon.

Majestic,



Do you mind me asking how it got reported by someone online as opposed to media?

Sophie 79 -

Hi - so was your husband cautioned but not arrested or charged? What was the accused offence?

If so, how long did it take to say NFA?
sorey for all the questions, new and struggling here