Family and Friends Forum

Is there any normal life after this ?

Luxy

Member since
April 2020

52 posts

Posted Wed May 6, 2020 8:52pmReport post

Being a, sadly, recently new member on here, I am interested to read, the What happens after. Whether jail or suspended sentence, are our family members constantly looking over their shoulder ? Do they find work? Marriage? Children? What is the general outcome please, I'm struggling at the moment and my son hasn't even been charged yet (end of May) but I feel he has just thrown his whole future away. Anyone still on here with a what happened after story please?

Al24

Member since
May 2020

33 posts

Posted Wed May 6, 2020 9:53pmReport post

Hello, i am also wondering this. My partners bail is set until the 28th of this month. He's really not doing well and i haven't seen him since the police turned up, 8 days ago. He told me tonight that he wants to die. I just don't know what to tell him.

SallyBlue

Member since
March 2019

268 posts

Posted Thu May 7, 2020 12:01amReport post

There is a life after, I promise. This waiting on sentencing, that is the hardest part. The waiting is so intense. We are 5 years in now. My husband loves with us and our children. Social services have closed our case. There is nothing stopping us from living a normal life. Of course there are restrictions such as some foreign travel, updating the register but we are a family.

The offence is a blip, a big one but a blip non the less. It CAN be overcome. X

Luxy

Member since
April 2020

52 posts

Posted Thu May 7, 2020 9:00amReport post

Thank you SallyBlue, I'm just looking for any silver lining I think. I'm so worried about the repercussions, did the media post his details, did you move? Did anyone try to harm him, how did you deal with that pressure? It's a terrible time, but my heart just want to protect and help my child, and I'm so worried about what will happen after x

majestictopaz15

Member since
December 2019

311 posts

Posted Thu May 7, 2020 6:05pmReport post

I can give our experience. My partner had the knock in 2017. He was found to have iioc and animal abuse footage/images. His life was turned upside down. Lost his job in the public sector, and hadn't been allowed by his ex wife to see his kids.



But since the knock he has worked so hard to rehabilitate. He got a job within s few months (you don't have to disclose an investigation) and got his own place near family. I met him a few months after the knock. He told me about the investigation within 2 weeks of dating. It shocked me and I do expect most to walk away. I personally stuck around because I could see how remorseful he was and that he was working on rehabilitation on his own. Whilst waiting for charges and sentencing it was been tense. His job was low pay but they didn't ask questions, he was able to be semi flexible to go to hearings and training with Lucy faithful. We moved in together and there was a worry about what if he was sent to jail. I made sure we had a 6 month break clause in the rent agreement just in case I needed to move back home with family.

Finally sentenced in aug 2019. Two years prison sentence suspended for two years and 200 hours community service. On the register and shpo for ten years. This helped finally have certainty. There are restrictions but easily enough to adapt and my partner keeps the police informed when required.

He did look for a new job and did struggle once they ask for record of convictions. But he did find a well paid job in the sector he was in before the arrest and they didn't ask for convictions history and was cleared with probation (to check the role was not going to involve contact with kids)

We won't be able to travel to all locations we want and the next battle for us is to get visitation rights for my partner to see his kids. We plan to get married in the next few years.

Overall I would try to not think that all doors are closed. It is hard work and the authorities don't really help with reaching better prospects. It requires determination a d support from friends and family.

The one thing that for me could cock this up is my family and friends finding out about the conviction. We have managed to keep it secret but I think most suspect something because he hasn't seen his kids for three years.

majestictopaz15

Member since
December 2019

311 posts

Posted Thu May 7, 2020 6:09pmReport post

Oh and to add we had no media involved. He was reported by someone online rather than vigilantes and even tho what he did was terrible compared to those that get media attention it was not much interest I guess. It is a bit like pot luck but it was always a concern.



Seems weird but I try to make sure that we live a private life, e.g. don't enter to be on TV or be in the media in any way. Just in case anyone does any digging on my partner.

SallyBlue

Member since
March 2019

268 posts

Posted Tue May 12, 2020 12:28pmReport post

Luxy, my husbands case was all over social media, in papers on the radio. His name and home address (my address) published. We moved away once SS dismissed us after 4 years under their eye. No one ever tried to hurt him. In fact in the years he had one person whisper near him. That's it. I got more abuse than he did.

The pressure is unreal, I got through with counselling and my children. X

Luxy

Member since
April 2020

52 posts

Posted Fri May 22, 2020 1:59pmReport post

Sally blue how awful. I think it's the thing I dread as much as prison. Thank you for your reply. I hope things are getting better now and you are leading as normal a life as possible xx

C123

Member since
September 2019

19 posts

Posted Mon May 25, 2020 9:53pmReport post

Hi,

We got the knock 4 years ago, our son was 18months old. 2 years suspended sentence, 100 hours community service, 5 years on the register. Where nearly at 1 year left in the register, my partner got unsupervised with our son, and have managed to live a normal life, where now considering having another child, we've been told that the child will automatically go on the register, as another assessment would need to be done, my partner wouldn't be able to have unsupervised straight away, but because we've done a lff assessment and parent protect assessment, we can't do much more so they have to move forward!



Although social can be a nightmare, I encourage you to do all assessments with them, and your own research, keeping safe, make sure you understand the signs of any abuse, I knew because of personal experience and working in care.

Please don't feel your alone!

I'm happy to try and support anyone who needs it!



Keep strong and stay safe xx

Hopingforbest

Member since
February 2020

59 posts

Posted Tue May 26, 2020 4:36pmReport post

Hi C123

It is good to see that you are on the other side now. I will definately give hope to others. Has SS closed your case now? If so i am wondering why they will involved again. My son is 10 months old and on CPP plan and being told by everyone including professional that once SS close case for good then there will be no involvement by them in future. My experience with SS is a complete nightmare and i don't want them in my life again once this is over.

What is parent protect assessment? Is it a psychological assessment or something?

Tutleymutley

Member since
November 2019

104 posts

Posted Fri June 19, 2020 1:57pmReport post

SallyBlue, Majestictopaz15 and C123 - thanks for sharing. Good to hear there's hope at the end of the tunnel (and light!). We're 6 months and waiting - three suicide attempts later - It could be another year or more - and THEN there's the waiting for CPS. I don't want to move after nearly 30 years of putting down roots in this location - but my husband really couldn't face the neighbours if there was any publicity - he's already racked with shame and remorse. We toddle along day to day with this huge shadow looming.

Rainbow

Member since
January 2019

258 posts

Posted Mon June 22, 2020 8:19amReport post

Hi C123

Can I ask how you managed to get ss to agree unsupervised? You mention your child was only 18 months which I would assume ss would want a lot of evidence about safeguarding? Thanks

snowdrop

Member since
September 2019

160 posts

Posted Mon June 22, 2020 2:48pmReport post

That was a lovely post Ann...

For my partner it was another year of no contact or cards from any of his children or grandchildren. I can't fathom why no compassion has been shown and its painful to see him so sad.

He brought up the subject of rewriting his will. He stated that now they no longer want to know him he wants to change who benefits from his death. He also wants clauses incuded which forbid there attendance at his funeral.

Sometimes I just want the world to stop and for us to both go back in time.

Best wishes...

snowdrop

Member since
September 2019

160 posts

Posted Mon June 22, 2020 2:53pmReport post

Sorry.. This was meant for the Father's day subject..

Lostpath

Member since
November 2020

1 post

Posted Mon November 23, 2020 12:37pmReport post

Hi all, it is anyone from Wales (because the social services looks to be more strict here) that was able after this type of convictions/offences to keep familly together , because in our case the SS don't want to hear nothing else than total separation, they allowed supervised contact betwen son and father on community/open spaces but they don't care if that is possibile or not in the actual situation with Covid and Winter weather. The SS are not interested in any kind of assesement for the father or any work that the father is doing to low the risk and change himself. Dad was convicted for downloading images.

It is so mad for a wife to show forgiveness and still want to help her husband ?

It is really how they are saying, that until son turn 18, nothing can change?

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Mon November 23, 2020 2:52pmReport post

Hello so sorry you have joined this club that no one wants to be a member of xx ss are like this across the board it really depends on the individual sw and they let their personal views cloud their judgement. From what your saying you have a fight and if he has been sentenced then his probation can help with assessments and risk levels but that doesnt mean ss will listen. I know a few families have had to go to family court to actually get listened to regarding the risk and assessments. What was his sentence as that is what is making their decision stand up at the mo. Go back over older threads on here as there is loads about ss. Also look at the family rights group as lots of help on there and they have a helpline too xx

nicenana

Member since
March 2019

211 posts

Posted Fri November 27, 2020 9:28pmReport post

Hi to everyone.

I wonder why this site does not have the same facility that the family rights group has. On the family rights group site you can private message site users so that it's not seen by everyone on the forum which means it would be easier to communicate with each other. I hope this is something the site can look into in the furure x

BelleBee

Member since
April 2020

101 posts

Posted Sat November 28, 2020 11:53pmReport post

I agree Nicenana - it would be great to be able to private message people on here. There are definitely people I feel I could connect with but you can't do this on this site.

Annie1969

Member since
November 2020

201 posts

Posted Thu December 3, 2020 8:51amReport post

I to wonder if life will ever be normal when this is over..what the future may hold and if my husband will ever be the same again..

he's not allowed home at the moment until SW has completed outstanding work with me..

im one step ahead of her though and have completed a family safety plan for her to look at when she decides to get back in touch , which at the time of me writing this is now four weeks nearly since I had contact with her..two of those weeks she's been on leave.

she thinks I can't or don't know how to protect my daughter if my husband is allowed home.

she thinks I don't believe that he may pose a risk.

i feel it's unfair of her to make these assumptions when she's only done a 20 minute session with me..

well I hope I can prove her wrong when she sees this family safety plan I've created..

of course I'm angry with my husband.I hate him for putting me in a position where I now have to prove myself that I'm a good parent.

ive never been good at anything in my life and I always thought that being a parent was the one thing I was good at, now being in this situation has me questioning myself and doubting myself and wondering do SS and SW believe me to be unfit and useless?

but I will do whatever I can to prove them different.

hope you get the answers

xx

Sophie79

Member since
January 2021

4 posts

Posted Thu January 14, 2021 8:52amReport post

The Police closed our case early 2019 and there were no repercussions for my husband. I had to go through lots of hoops with SS of safer carers assessments to supervise visits and the case was closed in October 2019.

I was told I would have to supervise visits but do you know if this will have to be for life? Our son is 4 years old. Husband and I want to work on trying to co-parent with him moving back once life returns to more normality post Covid.

As our son has seen a little more of his Daddy and our son was mentioning him at nursery, they reported it to SS because they didn't know what was allowed. SS phoned, I felt sick again and they want to do another safe guarding chat.

Question is, if the case is closed, when can husband have unsupervised visits?

Edited Thu January 14, 2021 8:52am

lee1969

Member since
June 2019

1180 posts

Posted Wed January 20, 2021 2:37amReport post

Hi hun I'm gathering your husbands case was nfa and he wasbt charged with anything? But you are having issues with ss they work on the probability of risk and that can be the biggest issue with them. You say they have closed the case and that a safety plan is In place. Has your husband been assessed as that could be a way of actually getting them out of your life completely. What are the actual things in place? Is it no unsupervised access, no overnight stuff like that as that seems very extreme for an nfa. And please remember that you arent legally bound by these conditions but that if you go against them they can escalate it to family court but they would have to prove that the child is unsafe with his parents. It's very complicated so look at the family rights group and ring their helpline as they are really fantastic and could help you moving forward. As you can see on here ss can be the biggest struggle but if you stand up to them and prove your child comes first then they do back down. They have a tendency of entering our lives when we are at our most vulnerable and they like to play on that xx sending big hugs xx