Out The Other Side!!!
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Hi one and all,
I hope whatever is going on, you are all doing ok?
In brief, I was married from Oct 2007 - Sept 2017. Ex Husband played the “Time apart will do us good” card and moved out in November 2016, we separated in Jan 2017.
He had been having an affair at work.
In May 2017 Ex Husband and gf moved in together, at this point he had been spending about 3.5 hours a week with our daughters (now 13&5), The they started going every other weekend. Eldest did not adjust well which surprised me, as she was a total Daddy’s girl (makes me feel sick now). Youngest was always sick and never settled.
End of July, Ex Husband had girls for a week. I spent the whole week before reassuring my eldest that she could ask to come home at any point, but I’m sure she’d have a lovely time. He came to collect and she was crying. Off they went around 9:30am. At 9pm I still could not get hold of them to find out how they were and later found out he’d taken them on holiday (to Cornwall, but still). I was fuming. Kept it to myself. My eldest cried everyday as she’d now been stuck in a caravan with this ‘new’ person that she was unsure of. Brilliant.
And they came home = A very happy Mummy and 2 very happy children.
The following week (beginning of August) they were to see him for a couple hours as usual on my weekend. He came back early and all seemed fine.
August 14th he was arrested at work and had all technology taken. I found out via text on 16th August. From that moment on, I said all contact via me, not direct with girls (eldest had her own phone) and asked what was going on. I never got any decent answer. The last Friday he saw the girls, he was supposed to bring back my laptop he stole one evening when having tea at my house with the girls. He didn’t.
So, I phoned 101 to see what I could find out. Turns out, they had my laptop in their possession. Fan bloody tastic. But wouldn’t tell me anything else. Therefore, the girls stay with me and he can see them at home.
Weeks went by without info and a few heated texts with him demanding stuff, yet not telling me what’s going on. October half term, the officer I was in contact with called me back as ex claimed it was all dealt with. It wasn’t. The officer confirmed they had found stuff on the harddrive to my laptop and would see if I could have it back yet.
Halloween he popped in, but it ended in an argument over money. Christmas he came over with his Mum and her husband, stayed for an hour, but that was it. This is the only time he had bothered because I said his gf was not welcome and it was only necessary that the girls see their Dad.
We moved in March 2018 and the FaceTime continued. Eldest wasn’t happy, so we returned July 2018 and he was now living about 5-10 minute walk away. Still he didn’t come over. Sadly in August 2018 his Grandma passed away. I found out from his boss. I got hold of his gf and said to call me, which he did via his sisters phone. He came over as agreed and we told our eldest together. (He put his hand out to me, which still shocks me to this day!) A couple weeks later he FINALLY started to visit, for an hour each Wednesday. All was fine, we got on fine. Girls remained with me as agreed, until whatever was going on was resolved.
March 2019 I got a call from the officer asking me to make a statement apologising that I was now involved. I needed to confirm dates. I got to ask a few questions when I went to the station and cannot express how I felt from that moment on, or even now.
Throughout, I remained with the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ verdict, however from that moment on, I did not want him near the girls or myself! I tried reaching out to his Mum, but nothing. At first I was angry with them all, but everything makes sense now.
He visited the following week. I sent the girls upstairs and told him he wasn’t welcome to our new house when we moved (again). He knew we were going on holiday during our move, so I offered for him to see them on our return, he said nothing. Later turns out he had HIS stag day that day.
He never came our new home (thankfully!) and hasn’t seen them since. His excuse the first week was he was going to be late from work and asked to FaceTime. He didn’t call.
Easter 2019 he messaged about Easter Eggs which I said he could pass to his Mum. He contacted my eldest on her XBox about them, so we blocked him. They received them from his Mum.
Sometime in May 2019 he got married. Never tried to tell the girls and told ‘our’ friends I wouldn’t let them go. Pathetic eh.
Other than an accidental FaceTime call (from me to him) we haven’t spoken in over a year.
Roll forward to August 2019 when I found out he’d be appearing at Magistrates Court. I went with my Mum and was disgusted at what I heard. I didn’t hear much as they said one of the charges had to be dealt with at Crown Court, so a date was set and that was that. I’m sure we’re all the same with internet searching for answers and finding nothing!!!
September 2019 I went with my youngest son GodMother as my Mum couldn’t face anymore, but it was adjourned on the basis that he MIGHT pleasd guilty to a charge. I still did not know what they were.
During this mental breakdown (literally) I tried moving on and took the step to meet someone new ????. He came with me to the next hearing. My Ex Husband pleaded guilty to grooming a (just) 14 year old girl that he knew and knew her age, amongst other things.
The sentencing was to follow. I received letters in the post and arranged to meet with some of Ex Husbands family as they had been kept in the dark. I was the World’s Worst Mum! Again, the feeling of having to tell and show these people I classed as family for so long is indescribable. But now they knew and could start this same long process and path I had been on alone, raising my children as best as I can.
My new partner again came with me to Court. Each time we weren’t told what time he was due in, so just wondered around the City until a time was showing on the screens in court/online.
November 2019. Well, for the first time, Ex Husbands Wife turned up with him, she sat behind me and at the back was Ex Husbands sister in law and Uncle. (They had the courtesy to tell me they would be there). His Mum was on holiday which I’m glad she was. In the first 20 minutes, I heard so much rubbish about my own life, I broke down. His wife left the court room. She’d heard how he contacted this girl and started the grooming process, all while they had started their relationship AND we were still together!
Anyway, I was not prepared to hear everything I did that day, BUT the outcome was a 2 year suspended sentenced (he turned on the water works when he thought he was going down). 10 years SOR and 7 year SHPO. His barrister claimed I got him the sack and stopped contact with my children, so he had suffered enough.
He left the courtroom. I was nearly physically sick. All the while my new partner rubbing my back and consoling me.
I didn’t know where this left my children. The girls barrister came out and asked if I was ok and did I have any questions. He assured me it was my decision where the girls are concerned and Ex Husband can go through court etc if necessary to see them. Knowing he hadn’t bothered all this time and probably wouldn’t.
Other than not hearing from Police, Social Services etc, this was FINALLY over. I had started to rebuild relationships with ex in laws etc so we could all understand each other and the girls could have their family back that walked away.
Christmas and New Year - Finally one free of wonder. Until my phone rang and Social Services were on the other end. The whole thing came flooding back, as if it had never left my mind again.
A couple weeks later they visited and confirmed he CANNOT have access to the girls. I cannot again express how grateful I am to know that.
That is my story in a rather large nutshell.
The meaning behind this is to raise awareness. Advise on timescale as it’s different for each case and tell you to carry on going. You can do it. Climb each hurdle, crawl if you have to, but you will get there.
I cannot comment on those that stay with offenders, but for those in a similar situation to me, or choose to leave. You can do it. It is NOT your fault. They hide well and make you feel bad (although I never for a split second would have thought this about him).
Take your time to get over it. Lean on loved ones, let them support and help you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t help anyone, but if it can help one person to know you can get to the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s worth typing!
Thank you to all the members who took their time in replying to me when I struggled to get answers. I will log on again, but not sure when. It’s taken me this long to be able to type and not cry (although that’s nearly happened a few times).
Please stay safe and take care
x
I hope whatever is going on, you are all doing ok?
In brief, I was married from Oct 2007 - Sept 2017. Ex Husband played the “Time apart will do us good” card and moved out in November 2016, we separated in Jan 2017.
He had been having an affair at work.
In May 2017 Ex Husband and gf moved in together, at this point he had been spending about 3.5 hours a week with our daughters (now 13&5), The they started going every other weekend. Eldest did not adjust well which surprised me, as she was a total Daddy’s girl (makes me feel sick now). Youngest was always sick and never settled.
End of July, Ex Husband had girls for a week. I spent the whole week before reassuring my eldest that she could ask to come home at any point, but I’m sure she’d have a lovely time. He came to collect and she was crying. Off they went around 9:30am. At 9pm I still could not get hold of them to find out how they were and later found out he’d taken them on holiday (to Cornwall, but still). I was fuming. Kept it to myself. My eldest cried everyday as she’d now been stuck in a caravan with this ‘new’ person that she was unsure of. Brilliant.
And they came home = A very happy Mummy and 2 very happy children.
The following week (beginning of August) they were to see him for a couple hours as usual on my weekend. He came back early and all seemed fine.
August 14th he was arrested at work and had all technology taken. I found out via text on 16th August. From that moment on, I said all contact via me, not direct with girls (eldest had her own phone) and asked what was going on. I never got any decent answer. The last Friday he saw the girls, he was supposed to bring back my laptop he stole one evening when having tea at my house with the girls. He didn’t.
So, I phoned 101 to see what I could find out. Turns out, they had my laptop in their possession. Fan bloody tastic. But wouldn’t tell me anything else. Therefore, the girls stay with me and he can see them at home.
Weeks went by without info and a few heated texts with him demanding stuff, yet not telling me what’s going on. October half term, the officer I was in contact with called me back as ex claimed it was all dealt with. It wasn’t. The officer confirmed they had found stuff on the harddrive to my laptop and would see if I could have it back yet.
Halloween he popped in, but it ended in an argument over money. Christmas he came over with his Mum and her husband, stayed for an hour, but that was it. This is the only time he had bothered because I said his gf was not welcome and it was only necessary that the girls see their Dad.
We moved in March 2018 and the FaceTime continued. Eldest wasn’t happy, so we returned July 2018 and he was now living about 5-10 minute walk away. Still he didn’t come over. Sadly in August 2018 his Grandma passed away. I found out from his boss. I got hold of his gf and said to call me, which he did via his sisters phone. He came over as agreed and we told our eldest together. (He put his hand out to me, which still shocks me to this day!) A couple weeks later he FINALLY started to visit, for an hour each Wednesday. All was fine, we got on fine. Girls remained with me as agreed, until whatever was going on was resolved.
March 2019 I got a call from the officer asking me to make a statement apologising that I was now involved. I needed to confirm dates. I got to ask a few questions when I went to the station and cannot express how I felt from that moment on, or even now.
Throughout, I remained with the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ verdict, however from that moment on, I did not want him near the girls or myself! I tried reaching out to his Mum, but nothing. At first I was angry with them all, but everything makes sense now.
He visited the following week. I sent the girls upstairs and told him he wasn’t welcome to our new house when we moved (again). He knew we were going on holiday during our move, so I offered for him to see them on our return, he said nothing. Later turns out he had HIS stag day that day.
He never came our new home (thankfully!) and hasn’t seen them since. His excuse the first week was he was going to be late from work and asked to FaceTime. He didn’t call.
Easter 2019 he messaged about Easter Eggs which I said he could pass to his Mum. He contacted my eldest on her XBox about them, so we blocked him. They received them from his Mum.
Sometime in May 2019 he got married. Never tried to tell the girls and told ‘our’ friends I wouldn’t let them go. Pathetic eh.
Other than an accidental FaceTime call (from me to him) we haven’t spoken in over a year.
Roll forward to August 2019 when I found out he’d be appearing at Magistrates Court. I went with my Mum and was disgusted at what I heard. I didn’t hear much as they said one of the charges had to be dealt with at Crown Court, so a date was set and that was that. I’m sure we’re all the same with internet searching for answers and finding nothing!!!
September 2019 I went with my youngest son GodMother as my Mum couldn’t face anymore, but it was adjourned on the basis that he MIGHT pleasd guilty to a charge. I still did not know what they were.
During this mental breakdown (literally) I tried moving on and took the step to meet someone new ????. He came with me to the next hearing. My Ex Husband pleaded guilty to grooming a (just) 14 year old girl that he knew and knew her age, amongst other things.
The sentencing was to follow. I received letters in the post and arranged to meet with some of Ex Husbands family as they had been kept in the dark. I was the World’s Worst Mum! Again, the feeling of having to tell and show these people I classed as family for so long is indescribable. But now they knew and could start this same long process and path I had been on alone, raising my children as best as I can.
My new partner again came with me to Court. Each time we weren’t told what time he was due in, so just wondered around the City until a time was showing on the screens in court/online.
November 2019. Well, for the first time, Ex Husbands Wife turned up with him, she sat behind me and at the back was Ex Husbands sister in law and Uncle. (They had the courtesy to tell me they would be there). His Mum was on holiday which I’m glad she was. In the first 20 minutes, I heard so much rubbish about my own life, I broke down. His wife left the court room. She’d heard how he contacted this girl and started the grooming process, all while they had started their relationship AND we were still together!
Anyway, I was not prepared to hear everything I did that day, BUT the outcome was a 2 year suspended sentenced (he turned on the water works when he thought he was going down). 10 years SOR and 7 year SHPO. His barrister claimed I got him the sack and stopped contact with my children, so he had suffered enough.
He left the courtroom. I was nearly physically sick. All the while my new partner rubbing my back and consoling me.
I didn’t know where this left my children. The girls barrister came out and asked if I was ok and did I have any questions. He assured me it was my decision where the girls are concerned and Ex Husband can go through court etc if necessary to see them. Knowing he hadn’t bothered all this time and probably wouldn’t.
Other than not hearing from Police, Social Services etc, this was FINALLY over. I had started to rebuild relationships with ex in laws etc so we could all understand each other and the girls could have their family back that walked away.
Christmas and New Year - Finally one free of wonder. Until my phone rang and Social Services were on the other end. The whole thing came flooding back, as if it had never left my mind again.
A couple weeks later they visited and confirmed he CANNOT have access to the girls. I cannot again express how grateful I am to know that.
That is my story in a rather large nutshell.
The meaning behind this is to raise awareness. Advise on timescale as it’s different for each case and tell you to carry on going. You can do it. Climb each hurdle, crawl if you have to, but you will get there.
I cannot comment on those that stay with offenders, but for those in a similar situation to me, or choose to leave. You can do it. It is NOT your fault. They hide well and make you feel bad (although I never for a split second would have thought this about him).
Take your time to get over it. Lean on loved ones, let them support and help you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I’m sorry if this doesn’t help anyone, but if it can help one person to know you can get to the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s worth typing!
Thank you to all the members who took their time in replying to me when I struggled to get answers. I will log on again, but not sure when. It’s taken me this long to be able to type and not cry (although that’s nearly happened a few times).
Please stay safe and take care
x
Hi there
Thank you for a wonderful sorry. You are amazing. Though it is my son who is the one I am supporting. He was on an adult guy dating web site when he was contacted by a lad who was 14. He did not tell my son till several contacts later. Like the soft man he is he kept the contact open. At no time did my son make the first contact hoping that he would get tired and leave him alone. The knock came 3 weeks later. Nothing else was found on his electroinc stuff. hes due in court June and optioning to be tried at Crown Court. Im dreading him going down as I know he wont cope. So hearing that your ex was spared that gives me hope though I know its a lottery. Thank you for sparing your story and good luck with the rest of your life.
Thank you for a wonderful sorry. You are amazing. Though it is my son who is the one I am supporting. He was on an adult guy dating web site when he was contacted by a lad who was 14. He did not tell my son till several contacts later. Like the soft man he is he kept the contact open. At no time did my son make the first contact hoping that he would get tired and leave him alone. The knock came 3 weeks later. Nothing else was found on his electroinc stuff. hes due in court June and optioning to be tried at Crown Court. Im dreading him going down as I know he wont cope. So hearing that your ex was spared that gives me hope though I know its a lottery. Thank you for sparing your story and good luck with the rest of your life.
Hi Helpless,
I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. No one expects to be in the situation, regardless of relationship.
I truly believe my Ex Husband deserves prison from everything I heard, but if he messes up he will go.
Whatever the outcome of your sons case, I wish you well and to say that you will get through it.
take care x
I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. No one expects to be in the situation, regardless of relationship.
I truly believe my Ex Husband deserves prison from everything I heard, but if he messes up he will go.
Whatever the outcome of your sons case, I wish you well and to say that you will get through it.
take care x
Wow what a strong woman you are sweetie. Thankyou for sharing you story. I wish you nothing but the best in your new life. Hugs
Hi Sillyac. I'm sorry if this is obvious from your story and I might have missed it, but was a reason given why he is completely denied access to the girls? I'm asking because I know someone in a similar situation. Not my own story but just trying to understand in order to support them more.
Hi.
Thank you for your replies...
Partner - the Police and SS didn’t disclose the information, but I went to the court hearings myself so found out all that he had done.
There could be a number of reasons why. I’m assuming the age of my eldest and the girl involved are similar ???? also he had accessed pre teen porn sites ????????
I’m sorry you know someone going through it and grateful they have someone trying to support them. Thank you.
Take care x
Thank you for your replies...
Partner - the Police and SS didn’t disclose the information, but I went to the court hearings myself so found out all that he had done.
There could be a number of reasons why. I’m assuming the age of my eldest and the girl involved are similar ???? also he had accessed pre teen porn sites ????????
I’m sorry you know someone going through it and grateful they have someone trying to support them. Thank you.
Take care x
In case the OP is still signed up to this forum, I wanted to say, thank you for sharing your experience. I am in a very similar position to you (ex arrested for online grooming of 14 year old) and it's been helpful and reassuring to read your post, and see you have made it out the other side. Sending love and strength to you and your children :).
Hi Yellowhouse,
I'm sorry I've not been on. Just reading through my own post makes me cry still, but it's more relief now that it's over.
I hope everything is going ok with you? And I hope for everyone that these processes speed up at some point as the waiting is agony.
Myself and my girls are doing well I am pleased to report. We all have a decent relationship with the ex-in-laws and I have not heard from him. However, his wife did "like" a post my eldest put on TikTok. She blocked her, but didn't tell me which broke me. I was so angry, I did let his family know as they should just leave well alone.
I don't think anyone has a normal life again if I'm honest, but certainly used to the new normal and new normal again with lockdown.
I avoid people really, but we all still live in the same small town which is just ridiculous in my opinion. I still wake angry most days and am now anxious most of the time. HOWEVER, we have a good life. We have amazing support around us and we get on because there is only 1 person responsible for it all and I will not let our lives be dictated by him and his lies.
My girls have my surname too now which is great and has been done at the right time I think thankfully.
If anyone has any questions, I will be glad to help.
Thank you again for all your support. Such an amazing charity.
Take care x
I'm sorry I've not been on. Just reading through my own post makes me cry still, but it's more relief now that it's over.
I hope everything is going ok with you? And I hope for everyone that these processes speed up at some point as the waiting is agony.
Myself and my girls are doing well I am pleased to report. We all have a decent relationship with the ex-in-laws and I have not heard from him. However, his wife did "like" a post my eldest put on TikTok. She blocked her, but didn't tell me which broke me. I was so angry, I did let his family know as they should just leave well alone.
I don't think anyone has a normal life again if I'm honest, but certainly used to the new normal and new normal again with lockdown.
I avoid people really, but we all still live in the same small town which is just ridiculous in my opinion. I still wake angry most days and am now anxious most of the time. HOWEVER, we have a good life. We have amazing support around us and we get on because there is only 1 person responsible for it all and I will not let our lives be dictated by him and his lies.
My girls have my surname too now which is great and has been done at the right time I think thankfully.
If anyone has any questions, I will be glad to help.
Thank you again for all your support. Such an amazing charity.
Take care x