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It's been just over a week since the knock. My dad answered the door to two plain clothes police officers and invited them upstairs. I panicked because I'm an anxious person. My sister, who's far better than me in a crisis, reassured me that no one in the house would have done anything wrong. Little did we know that my dad was at that very moment confessing to accessing videos of teenage girls. I feel as though someone's done that magic trick where they pull the tablecloth off the table and everything on the table somehow stays standing up. Quite how I'm still standing up I'll never know. I just feel so utterly broken.
I'm 24 with a 21 year old sister, who we'll call R. He's never done anything to harm either of us. My parents have been married for nearly 30 years and I honestly thought they were relationship goals - still inseparable, cute to the point of sickening. I'm just reeling from it all.
We've had our issues when I was growing up - my dad's always been unable to deal with any extremes of emotion, and whenever he was unhappy he would stop speaking to us, which has left both me and R damaged in some ways. Our parents were also both incredibly overprotective of us - I'm still quite well known for being super naive as a result of being so sheltered growing up - we weren't allowed to wear jeans, or get piercings etc, and weren't allowed to go out with friends or have social media. I hated it at the time - all you want to do as a teenager is to blend in, and being denied that labels you as an outcast. It took me much longer than most to find a group of friends who didn't care that I didn't wear what they wore, or that I couldn't go to sleepovers or do any of the "normal" teenage girl things.
But I've matured over the past couple of years or so, to the point of accepting that while my dad was flawed, and I certainly didn't have a typical upbringing, he was only ever doing his best. I think his own childhood was quite difficult - he lost a sister and she was almost erased from existence, and his mam has a host of mental health issues - and I'd accepted that he was messed up as a result of that, but that by no means was he a bad person. And now to find this out? It's just soul destroying.
I don't know how to get through this. What I'm supposed to do. When he came back from the police station I think he was expecting us to have packed his bags for him. But where would he go? He can hardly book himself into a B+B in the middle of a lockdown. He said that if any of us wanted him to move out then he would and in all honesty I think I do want that, but I'm outnumbered 2 to 1. I've spent the past week mostly avoiding his company, except for a meltdown before I left for the supermarket (as if doing the weekly shop isn't terrifying enough as it is right now) where I cried on him. I think the fact that I let him comfort me has made him think we can get back what we had but I'm not so sure. I know my mam doesn't want to leave him. I don't think I can say the same for myself.
Questions are flying around my head but I don't feel like they're even scratching the surface. I don't even know what I'm supposed to need to know. I'm just so scared of it all. I genuinely thought that despite some of the quirks in my upbringing, I probably had the most stable family unit of anyone I know. I have a friend whose parents split up when she was a kid and her dad has a drink problem as a result. I've got a friend whose parents are still together but they don't even share a bed. I thought the four of us were unbreakable. I can't believe how wrong I was.
I'm terrified of the present. I don't know how to even begin to process what's happened. I don't know if I can trust any of what he's said to us. I don't know anything anymore. Something I was always so sure of - the strength of my family unit - has crumbled beneath me with no warning and I'm left standing in the rubble of everything I ever knew.
It doesn't help that I've been plunged into complete isolation. Sure I've got my mam and R, but they're going through this just as much as me - I can't expect them to prop me up while also working though it themselves. I've completely lost any support systems I ever had. The friends who looked after me when my mam had a stroke. The friends who I've always depended on for so much. Gone. Because my dad's done this. I've lost so much and it's not even my fault. Any control I ever had of my life has been snatched out of my hands with no warning.
I think I'm even more terrified of the future than I am of the present. What happens if it goes to court. What happens if it hits publicity. We live in a tiny ass village and haven't got a very common surname. Not only that but I work in a fairly small supermarket, and gossip in store is fierce. You can sneeze in the warehouse and half an hour later someone from checkouts will ask you how your cold is. I can count on one hand the amount of colleagues I would class myself as being close to, but I'm friendly with just about everyone. I was in today and I've spoken to every single one of the people I share a shift with. They're going to make my work life unbearable if they find out. I know for a fact that at least one of my colleagues was a victim of CSA herself. To know that my dad has enabled such behaviour, whether he would ever be a physical threat to someone, makes me sick to my stomach. My mam's convinced he isn't a physical threat btw, but two weeks ago she was convinced he could never watch teenage girls online. How do any of us know what he is or isn't capable of?
If things at work are horrific I could fairly easily change jobs. I still live with my parents so it's not like I need to make sure I have enough money to make rent. And stacking shelves was never going to be my forever job anyway. I was actually working on a career change before coronavirus. Ironically enough I want to transition into some sort of social care - I'm volunteering at a day centre for the elderly at the minute (or I was before corona anyway) but I don't think that's where my heart lies. I had actually kind of envisioned myself doing some sort of youth work. Yeah. The irony is almost laughable. Whether or not I'll get a satisfactory DBS check after all this is another matter altogether. It's taken me this long to find a career that I actually want and it could be over before it's even begun.
I'm also so scared of what happens when I have children. Will I have to tell my future wife that I don't know if I can trust my dad to have access to his grandchildren? How do I broach that subject with partners? Who's going to have children with me knowing about this? Same sex couples are already under far more scrutiny when they try to conceive, what will this do to my dreams of being a mam?
This time last year I was genuinely the happiest I'd ever been. I had self confidence for the first time since my early teens. I was finally starting to work through the fog of "wtf do I want to do with the rest of my life". I was developing healthier coping mechanisms than I'd ever had. I felt like the mental illness demons I'd battled for 8 years were finally losing their grip on me. And in the space of six months my mam had a stroke, we entered a global pandemic and lockdown, and now this? I think someone just wants to have a good laugh at my expense.
I don't know how or when this nightmare is going to end. I don't know what my life is going to look like on the other side. I don't know how much of my old life was even real to begin with. I only know that I've been plunged into grief for the man I called my dad, grief for the life I used to know. And that nothing will ever be the same again.
Much love, E x
I'm 24 with a 21 year old sister, who we'll call R. He's never done anything to harm either of us. My parents have been married for nearly 30 years and I honestly thought they were relationship goals - still inseparable, cute to the point of sickening. I'm just reeling from it all.
We've had our issues when I was growing up - my dad's always been unable to deal with any extremes of emotion, and whenever he was unhappy he would stop speaking to us, which has left both me and R damaged in some ways. Our parents were also both incredibly overprotective of us - I'm still quite well known for being super naive as a result of being so sheltered growing up - we weren't allowed to wear jeans, or get piercings etc, and weren't allowed to go out with friends or have social media. I hated it at the time - all you want to do as a teenager is to blend in, and being denied that labels you as an outcast. It took me much longer than most to find a group of friends who didn't care that I didn't wear what they wore, or that I couldn't go to sleepovers or do any of the "normal" teenage girl things.
But I've matured over the past couple of years or so, to the point of accepting that while my dad was flawed, and I certainly didn't have a typical upbringing, he was only ever doing his best. I think his own childhood was quite difficult - he lost a sister and she was almost erased from existence, and his mam has a host of mental health issues - and I'd accepted that he was messed up as a result of that, but that by no means was he a bad person. And now to find this out? It's just soul destroying.
I don't know how to get through this. What I'm supposed to do. When he came back from the police station I think he was expecting us to have packed his bags for him. But where would he go? He can hardly book himself into a B+B in the middle of a lockdown. He said that if any of us wanted him to move out then he would and in all honesty I think I do want that, but I'm outnumbered 2 to 1. I've spent the past week mostly avoiding his company, except for a meltdown before I left for the supermarket (as if doing the weekly shop isn't terrifying enough as it is right now) where I cried on him. I think the fact that I let him comfort me has made him think we can get back what we had but I'm not so sure. I know my mam doesn't want to leave him. I don't think I can say the same for myself.
Questions are flying around my head but I don't feel like they're even scratching the surface. I don't even know what I'm supposed to need to know. I'm just so scared of it all. I genuinely thought that despite some of the quirks in my upbringing, I probably had the most stable family unit of anyone I know. I have a friend whose parents split up when she was a kid and her dad has a drink problem as a result. I've got a friend whose parents are still together but they don't even share a bed. I thought the four of us were unbreakable. I can't believe how wrong I was.
I'm terrified of the present. I don't know how to even begin to process what's happened. I don't know if I can trust any of what he's said to us. I don't know anything anymore. Something I was always so sure of - the strength of my family unit - has crumbled beneath me with no warning and I'm left standing in the rubble of everything I ever knew.
It doesn't help that I've been plunged into complete isolation. Sure I've got my mam and R, but they're going through this just as much as me - I can't expect them to prop me up while also working though it themselves. I've completely lost any support systems I ever had. The friends who looked after me when my mam had a stroke. The friends who I've always depended on for so much. Gone. Because my dad's done this. I've lost so much and it's not even my fault. Any control I ever had of my life has been snatched out of my hands with no warning.
I think I'm even more terrified of the future than I am of the present. What happens if it goes to court. What happens if it hits publicity. We live in a tiny ass village and haven't got a very common surname. Not only that but I work in a fairly small supermarket, and gossip in store is fierce. You can sneeze in the warehouse and half an hour later someone from checkouts will ask you how your cold is. I can count on one hand the amount of colleagues I would class myself as being close to, but I'm friendly with just about everyone. I was in today and I've spoken to every single one of the people I share a shift with. They're going to make my work life unbearable if they find out. I know for a fact that at least one of my colleagues was a victim of CSA herself. To know that my dad has enabled such behaviour, whether he would ever be a physical threat to someone, makes me sick to my stomach. My mam's convinced he isn't a physical threat btw, but two weeks ago she was convinced he could never watch teenage girls online. How do any of us know what he is or isn't capable of?
If things at work are horrific I could fairly easily change jobs. I still live with my parents so it's not like I need to make sure I have enough money to make rent. And stacking shelves was never going to be my forever job anyway. I was actually working on a career change before coronavirus. Ironically enough I want to transition into some sort of social care - I'm volunteering at a day centre for the elderly at the minute (or I was before corona anyway) but I don't think that's where my heart lies. I had actually kind of envisioned myself doing some sort of youth work. Yeah. The irony is almost laughable. Whether or not I'll get a satisfactory DBS check after all this is another matter altogether. It's taken me this long to find a career that I actually want and it could be over before it's even begun.
I'm also so scared of what happens when I have children. Will I have to tell my future wife that I don't know if I can trust my dad to have access to his grandchildren? How do I broach that subject with partners? Who's going to have children with me knowing about this? Same sex couples are already under far more scrutiny when they try to conceive, what will this do to my dreams of being a mam?
This time last year I was genuinely the happiest I'd ever been. I had self confidence for the first time since my early teens. I was finally starting to work through the fog of "wtf do I want to do with the rest of my life". I was developing healthier coping mechanisms than I'd ever had. I felt like the mental illness demons I'd battled for 8 years were finally losing their grip on me. And in the space of six months my mam had a stroke, we entered a global pandemic and lockdown, and now this? I think someone just wants to have a good laugh at my expense.
I don't know how or when this nightmare is going to end. I don't know what my life is going to look like on the other side. I don't know how much of my old life was even real to begin with. I only know that I've been plunged into grief for the man I called my dad, grief for the life I used to know. And that nothing will ever be the same again.
Much love, E x
Hi Lizzie I was so sorry to read your post and hear how hurt, shocked and upset you're feeling. All the advice and insights you get from this forum will help you. I am also in a long marriage (40+ years) and the mother of grown up children. My husband, their dad is the offender, viewing indecent images. I have stayed with him. From arrest to sentencing has been a stupidly long time, he's hasn't been sentenced yet and it's 3 years since the arrest.
I just wanted to say that your dad is still all those things he was before. He's done something terrible, and eventually the legal process will punish him. It's really hard to support an offender and there will be many people who will tell you not to. In the end it is your decision. I'm having to defend my decision to support my husband to my own children.
Only you know if you can get past this and see him as a person rather than an offender only. I think I'm managing it but it isn't easy and some people will say I'm wrong.
It's very early days for you, you in a state of shock and your mind must be in overdrive. Especially with the added pressure from lockdown and a poorly mum.
Look after yourself as much as you can x x
I just wanted to say that your dad is still all those things he was before. He's done something terrible, and eventually the legal process will punish him. It's really hard to support an offender and there will be many people who will tell you not to. In the end it is your decision. I'm having to defend my decision to support my husband to my own children.
Only you know if you can get past this and see him as a person rather than an offender only. I think I'm managing it but it isn't easy and some people will say I'm wrong.
It's very early days for you, you in a state of shock and your mind must be in overdrive. Especially with the added pressure from lockdown and a poorly mum.
Look after yourself as much as you can x x