Just thinking.....
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Hi everyone just having a think about trying to move on and how...
for me a lately there doesn’t seem to be a day goes by when I think could we go back to how we were. Obviously it would be a ginormous ask after he’s come out of prison, where could he live!?? Probably not with me because I’m sure neighbours and ppl in area know and they’d not like it, or doubt he could go to his mum n dads because I think he’d be in danger there after the awful press coverage :-(
So do u put yourself through the stress and hassle of uprooting yourself and move further afield a new start!
Also doubt my parents esp my dad who liked him a lot would ever forgive him for what he put me through. He says in his letters for me not to think it was my fault it was him who had problems, I was the perfect girlfriend for him (why do it then) he says he wants to be there for when anything happens in my life presuming he means when anything happens to my parents who are in their 70s ( I’m an only child so no siblings to turn to) that thought does scare me.
But then of course there’s the big issue of trust! Would I be living on edge waiting to see if he ever let’s me down again, never wanna feel like I did when it 1st happened.
Me and him have started talking again on the phone sometimes it’s good sometimes it’s bad. He's started opening up, which is all I ever wanted to try to understand why!
He’s admitted to drinking too much, more than I knew about, shocked me a bit, must have been a kind of coping mechanism to his mum being poorly and other stresses ( he knows it’s not an excuse for what he did) he says he wants to speak to me face to face to tell me, I said I wanna know everything so you’d best tell me, now it’s how long have I got to wait with lockdown still everywhere inc prisons! I personally think he’s had some sort of break down, with the worst outcome. He said if this hadn’t have happened he’d have probably smashed his car up, part of me wishes he had rather than this. Anything is more acceptable than this. I spoke to him a few days ago on the phone I didn’t push him for answers which he says leads to arguments, it was like old times us having a laugh about stupid things, I miss him. Then I remember what he’s done and the anger comes bubbling up, how could he, I thought we’d grow old together!
There are so many memories for me, things we used to say to each other, messing about, him cooking I never could, tv shows, music, nights away. So many photos. Then there's the brilliant holidays we’ve been on, which could we ever go on again if we were together , with the shpo and sor!?? Then I speak to friends who know, who are like don’t let the bastard manipulate you ........ And It brings me back to reality I think how can I or him come back from this :-(
It’s like the Adele song goes “never mind I’ll find someone like you” at the moment can’t see that happening and part of me doesn’t want to ....
for me a lately there doesn’t seem to be a day goes by when I think could we go back to how we were. Obviously it would be a ginormous ask after he’s come out of prison, where could he live!?? Probably not with me because I’m sure neighbours and ppl in area know and they’d not like it, or doubt he could go to his mum n dads because I think he’d be in danger there after the awful press coverage :-(
So do u put yourself through the stress and hassle of uprooting yourself and move further afield a new start!
Also doubt my parents esp my dad who liked him a lot would ever forgive him for what he put me through. He says in his letters for me not to think it was my fault it was him who had problems, I was the perfect girlfriend for him (why do it then) he says he wants to be there for when anything happens in my life presuming he means when anything happens to my parents who are in their 70s ( I’m an only child so no siblings to turn to) that thought does scare me.
But then of course there’s the big issue of trust! Would I be living on edge waiting to see if he ever let’s me down again, never wanna feel like I did when it 1st happened.
Me and him have started talking again on the phone sometimes it’s good sometimes it’s bad. He's started opening up, which is all I ever wanted to try to understand why!
He’s admitted to drinking too much, more than I knew about, shocked me a bit, must have been a kind of coping mechanism to his mum being poorly and other stresses ( he knows it’s not an excuse for what he did) he says he wants to speak to me face to face to tell me, I said I wanna know everything so you’d best tell me, now it’s how long have I got to wait with lockdown still everywhere inc prisons! I personally think he’s had some sort of break down, with the worst outcome. He said if this hadn’t have happened he’d have probably smashed his car up, part of me wishes he had rather than this. Anything is more acceptable than this. I spoke to him a few days ago on the phone I didn’t push him for answers which he says leads to arguments, it was like old times us having a laugh about stupid things, I miss him. Then I remember what he’s done and the anger comes bubbling up, how could he, I thought we’d grow old together!
There are so many memories for me, things we used to say to each other, messing about, him cooking I never could, tv shows, music, nights away. So many photos. Then there's the brilliant holidays we’ve been on, which could we ever go on again if we were together , with the shpo and sor!?? Then I speak to friends who know, who are like don’t let the bastard manipulate you ........ And It brings me back to reality I think how can I or him come back from this :-(
It’s like the Adele song goes “never mind I’ll find someone like you” at the moment can’t see that happening and part of me doesn’t want to ....
I am at the beginning of all this and have chosen to stay with my boyfriend because I am in love with him I have given him everything of myself and he knows it, I see so much pain in his eyes every time he looks at me because he knows how much he has turn me apart but I can't hate him. I am in love with him completely and like you I don't think I could give that to another I love the monster I no know. I have spent life being the strong one and he knows this is it the last of what I have left and is having help once a week to work out why it ever came across his mind i wish he would talk to me about stuff. But know this whatever you decide it's your choice of you don't get back with him or you do do what you feel is right. Your strong no matter what
. keep safe as always look after you first xxx
. keep safe as always look after you first xxx
Just a add on hope you understand that post my phone only shows some of the page I text on so message has come out with mistakes ??????????????
Thanks fallen33,
I’m still torn, the knock came early February and he was sentenced in April so happened really quick. He wasn’t bailed after his arrest out of the house so It’s like he left without saying goodbye. I wish he’d been honest with me from the start or told me before if he was feeling low and drinking as a way of coping instead of putting on a brave face.
I too can’t seem to hate him even though he’s torn me apart. I have moments of anger and think how could he, but if anything I feel a little sorry for him stuck in a cell nearly 24 hrs a day because of covid19 I don’t think this is helping his mental state, I’ve said to him maybe he could benefit from some sort of counselling to talk about his problems, I’d go with him.
It will be a long road though and when he gets out I think it will be worse, I fear he’ll have to watch his back, and could I bear to be seen with him :-(
Take care x
I’m still torn, the knock came early February and he was sentenced in April so happened really quick. He wasn’t bailed after his arrest out of the house so It’s like he left without saying goodbye. I wish he’d been honest with me from the start or told me before if he was feeling low and drinking as a way of coping instead of putting on a brave face.
I too can’t seem to hate him even though he’s torn me apart. I have moments of anger and think how could he, but if anything I feel a little sorry for him stuck in a cell nearly 24 hrs a day because of covid19 I don’t think this is helping his mental state, I’ve said to him maybe he could benefit from some sort of counselling to talk about his problems, I’d go with him.
It will be a long road though and when he gets out I think it will be worse, I fear he’ll have to watch his back, and could I bear to be seen with him :-(
Take care x