When does the pain get better?
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My world has been turned upside down since the end of December.
My son got arrested when going to meet a minor he had been speaking to for weeks, that's turned out to be a detective the whole time. Pictures had also been exchanged and some highly inappropriate messages.
He is on bail at my house, and his bail conditions are zero contact with his 3 children.
His wife has left and moved hours away with the children and we have also fallen out as she is extremely angry with me as she sees me as condoning what my son has done because I have just not cut him off completely.
He has lost his wife, now has no job, can't see his children and is being threatened by their mother that he will never see them again.
He is in 40k worth of debt and will have to be made bankrupt and sell the house.
We are still waiting on sentencing which were told he should be looking at 2-4 years.
His wife has already found someone new. How do we even begin to move on from this?
I feel like his wife has just left me to deal with this and it's fine for her as she can rebuild her life, and get a new partner.
i can't get a new son and walk away from this situation, I am completely stuck.
we used to go on family holidays, have them round every week for dinner.
i now have zero family life and cannot see what it will look like moving forward.
Please tell me when does it get better?! When will I heal? And what does life looks like for people who are in a similar situation look like? Family is everything to me, and I feel like I've lost it all and I'm place have been left with my son who has caused such a big mess, that I see as irreparable.
My son got arrested when going to meet a minor he had been speaking to for weeks, that's turned out to be a detective the whole time. Pictures had also been exchanged and some highly inappropriate messages.
He is on bail at my house, and his bail conditions are zero contact with his 3 children.
His wife has left and moved hours away with the children and we have also fallen out as she is extremely angry with me as she sees me as condoning what my son has done because I have just not cut him off completely.
He has lost his wife, now has no job, can't see his children and is being threatened by their mother that he will never see them again.
He is in 40k worth of debt and will have to be made bankrupt and sell the house.
We are still waiting on sentencing which were told he should be looking at 2-4 years.
His wife has already found someone new. How do we even begin to move on from this?
I feel like his wife has just left me to deal with this and it's fine for her as she can rebuild her life, and get a new partner.
i can't get a new son and walk away from this situation, I am completely stuck.
we used to go on family holidays, have them round every week for dinner.
i now have zero family life and cannot see what it will look like moving forward.
Please tell me when does it get better?! When will I heal? And what does life looks like for people who are in a similar situation look like? Family is everything to me, and I feel like I've lost it all and I'm place have been left with my son who has caused such a big mess, that I see as irreparable.
Hi devastated, sorry you are in this awful situation. Your sons case sounds much like my partners. Talking to a minor online for approximately two weeks January/February this year. He sent a picture and exchanged inappropriate messages, and arranged to meet, all the time it was a police officer.
He was never bailed and instantly lost his job, i later found out he had credit card debts that I didn’t know about and a secret drink problem, caused by stress in his life, maybe a break down.
He has since been sentenced. It was in the media. Obviously the difference being is we never had children. Which makes it 10 times worse for you and him.
I wonder if his wife has moved away and got a new partner so quickly as a way of blocking out all the hurt and pain, her way of coping.
I myself can’t think about finding someone else at the moment and luckily for my partner I am still in contact with him and trying to understand his problems this doesn’t mean I can ever trust him again.
His dad is like you sticking by him because he’s still his son no matter what even though he doesn’t condone what he’s done, the rest of the family like his brother have disowned him.
Hopefully your sons wife in time will come to understand the situation you are in, you are not condoning him, and that you want to see your grandchildren.
Like lost 123 has said speak to the LFF helpline, you and your son would benefit from this, I spoke to a practitioner call back arranged by them which was free it helped me a lot.
Take care x
He was never bailed and instantly lost his job, i later found out he had credit card debts that I didn’t know about and a secret drink problem, caused by stress in his life, maybe a break down.
He has since been sentenced. It was in the media. Obviously the difference being is we never had children. Which makes it 10 times worse for you and him.
I wonder if his wife has moved away and got a new partner so quickly as a way of blocking out all the hurt and pain, her way of coping.
I myself can’t think about finding someone else at the moment and luckily for my partner I am still in contact with him and trying to understand his problems this doesn’t mean I can ever trust him again.
His dad is like you sticking by him because he’s still his son no matter what even though he doesn’t condone what he’s done, the rest of the family like his brother have disowned him.
Hopefully your sons wife in time will come to understand the situation you are in, you are not condoning him, and that you want to see your grandchildren.
Like lost 123 has said speak to the LFF helpline, you and your son would benefit from this, I spoke to a practitioner call back arranged by them which was free it helped me a lot.
Take care x
Thank you so much for your replies.
Do far none of the family have disowned him, me his dad and two brothers. Obviously he is very very down and I just couldn't live with myself if he did anything and me turning my back and not being there for him was a contributing factor. I think your right when you're say his ex wife wants to pretend he's not real anymore. When we were speaking she would constantly tell me she didn't want to hear about him, about any pain that he was going through as it might weaken her.
she has told us many of time 'if he was my son I'd have nothing to do with him.'
I don't believe anyone can say what they would do in a situation that they haven't been in. And what gives her the right to tell me what to do, I make my own decisions!
Flossy - your partners case is exactly like my sons, do you mind me asking what his sentence was? We have told to be expect 2-4 years but if it's 2, will be a suspended sentence, but in my heart I know he will be spending time in jail. Then how do you cope? What's prisons like for him? I am incredibly scared to what they do to people like him in prison of it ever gets out.
so sorry you ladies find yourself in this position too, it really is the most devastating thing and effects every aspect of normal life ????
Do far none of the family have disowned him, me his dad and two brothers. Obviously he is very very down and I just couldn't live with myself if he did anything and me turning my back and not being there for him was a contributing factor. I think your right when you're say his ex wife wants to pretend he's not real anymore. When we were speaking she would constantly tell me she didn't want to hear about him, about any pain that he was going through as it might weaken her.
she has told us many of time 'if he was my son I'd have nothing to do with him.'
I don't believe anyone can say what they would do in a situation that they haven't been in. And what gives her the right to tell me what to do, I make my own decisions!
Flossy - your partners case is exactly like my sons, do you mind me asking what his sentence was? We have told to be expect 2-4 years but if it's 2, will be a suspended sentence, but in my heart I know he will be spending time in jail. Then how do you cope? What's prisons like for him? I am incredibly scared to what they do to people like him in prison of it ever gets out.
so sorry you ladies find yourself in this position too, it really is the most devastating thing and effects every aspect of normal life ????
Hi, yes I do think your sons wife is pretending he doesn’t exist and doesn’t wanna talk about him to block out the pain as though it hasn’t happened, suppose everyone’s way of coping is different in these situations but it’s not fair to judge you and I doubt no one would give up on their own child so easily.
My partner was sentenced to 4 years, 2 in prison, 2 on license, which I thought omg thats pretty harsh for a 1st time offence. Did your son go to meet them? He did but turned around and was on his way back when police stopped him. This crime seems very hit and miss with sentencing, I’ve seen similar cases in the national paper and they only got a suspended sentence, maybe goes on judge on the day. My partner had to appear via video link because of coronavirus, also had a probation report before via video that went to judge, he said he couldn’t hardly hear in both what they were saying the link kept breaking up so not an ideal way to judge someone. I’d suggest you get a solicitor who specialises in this crime if you can, he had one police arranged on day he was arrested who I don’t think was very good all they seemed to be bothered about was getting their money, me and his family had to quickly arrange to sell his car to pay.
I fear what will happen to him when he comes out, it was in our local paper and online where people wrote some vile comments, and his car reg etc,
that was my biggest fear people finding out, luckily even though my address was printed I haven’t had any hassle. Someone on here said ignore the keyboard warriors lol.
I have visited him a couple of times in prison before lockdown, that’s an experience! He’s currently on antidepressants because he was quite suicidal at 1st, don’t think coronavirus lockdown is helping by not seeing anyone, I think he’s trying to keep his head down and keep himself to himself. That's probably the best way.
My partner was sentenced to 4 years, 2 in prison, 2 on license, which I thought omg thats pretty harsh for a 1st time offence. Did your son go to meet them? He did but turned around and was on his way back when police stopped him. This crime seems very hit and miss with sentencing, I’ve seen similar cases in the national paper and they only got a suspended sentence, maybe goes on judge on the day. My partner had to appear via video link because of coronavirus, also had a probation report before via video that went to judge, he said he couldn’t hardly hear in both what they were saying the link kept breaking up so not an ideal way to judge someone. I’d suggest you get a solicitor who specialises in this crime if you can, he had one police arranged on day he was arrested who I don’t think was very good all they seemed to be bothered about was getting their money, me and his family had to quickly arrange to sell his car to pay.
I fear what will happen to him when he comes out, it was in our local paper and online where people wrote some vile comments, and his car reg etc,
that was my biggest fear people finding out, luckily even though my address was printed I haven’t had any hassle. Someone on here said ignore the keyboard warriors lol.
I have visited him a couple of times in prison before lockdown, that’s an experience! He’s currently on antidepressants because he was quite suicidal at 1st, don’t think coronavirus lockdown is helping by not seeing anyone, I think he’s trying to keep his head down and keep himself to himself. That's probably the best way.
Hi Flossy,
thank you so much for your reply.
i can't believe the press can post some many details such as car reg and address! Surely they can't do that! Excuse my ignorance but How did the press get the information if it was via video link? I'm not sure how it works. That is my next fear, that this will all come out, and it will effect the children. It's heartbreaking if it gets out to their school friends and their bullies because of it :(.
Unfortunately my son did turn up to meet them, and that's when he was arrested. He was due to be sentenced in April but postponed due to carona. His solicitor did get in touch last week to ask his solicitor suitable court dates so I'm guessing it will be soon-ish. Just feel so weak, I am preparing he will get 4 years much like your partner, he has pleaded guilty to all his charges :(
Thank you for your advice about solicitor, he does have a solicitor that specialises in these types of cases. Does life get a bit easier once there sentenced? Can we start to move on then or does the pain just get worse?
xxx
thank you so much for your reply.
i can't believe the press can post some many details such as car reg and address! Surely they can't do that! Excuse my ignorance but How did the press get the information if it was via video link? I'm not sure how it works. That is my next fear, that this will all come out, and it will effect the children. It's heartbreaking if it gets out to their school friends and their bullies because of it :(.
Unfortunately my son did turn up to meet them, and that's when he was arrested. He was due to be sentenced in April but postponed due to carona. His solicitor did get in touch last week to ask his solicitor suitable court dates so I'm guessing it will be soon-ish. Just feel so weak, I am preparing he will get 4 years much like your partner, he has pleaded guilty to all his charges :(
Thank you for your advice about solicitor, he does have a solicitor that specialises in these types of cases. Does life get a bit easier once there sentenced? Can we start to move on then or does the pain just get worse?
xxx
Hi devastated,
No it wasn’t the local paper who put his car reg it was some nasty people commenting on the online post on Facebook, people who knew who he was, they also wrote where he used to live with his mum n dad before we moved in together. I wrote an email to local newspaper editor to say I didn’t want my address printing after their 1st article but they went on to print it again when he was sentenced, also picking the nasty sordid details of the case out. The editor said it was the address read out in court so they had the right.
Like I said luckily me or his parents haven’t had any trouble since he was sentenced at beginning of April. I think some people like to have a rant about these sort of crimes online just so they can write vile comments. I’m hoping for his sake they are just online warriors when he comes out, he might have to move from area.
I’d suggest deleting any social media your son has, I couldn’t because he didn’t know his Facebook password, was on his phone. I’ve not been on since because I know any comments I see will upset me.
I’m sure I’ve read on here where peoples solicitors have mentioned in court they have children and the press hasn’t reported. Worth asking your sons solicitor.
For me when I found out what sentence he got it is some sort of closure. Even though I was praying my partner would get a light sentence or It was all some kind of some mistake.
you know where you are after it, esp if their court cases keep getting postponed, and you don’t have a court date, even after it came out in the press (which was the worst bit for me) I was constantly on edge before waiting to see if would come out or not, at 1st i constantly felt sick about who knew and who didn’t ( still do a bit) but I’m starting to think now who knows knows and it’s now yesterday’s news.
I just hope my partner can rebuild his life when he gets out, I can’t seem to hate him even though he’s hurt me badly, probably not be able to trust him though.
Hope this helps, take care xx
No it wasn’t the local paper who put his car reg it was some nasty people commenting on the online post on Facebook, people who knew who he was, they also wrote where he used to live with his mum n dad before we moved in together. I wrote an email to local newspaper editor to say I didn’t want my address printing after their 1st article but they went on to print it again when he was sentenced, also picking the nasty sordid details of the case out. The editor said it was the address read out in court so they had the right.
Like I said luckily me or his parents haven’t had any trouble since he was sentenced at beginning of April. I think some people like to have a rant about these sort of crimes online just so they can write vile comments. I’m hoping for his sake they are just online warriors when he comes out, he might have to move from area.
I’d suggest deleting any social media your son has, I couldn’t because he didn’t know his Facebook password, was on his phone. I’ve not been on since because I know any comments I see will upset me.
I’m sure I’ve read on here where peoples solicitors have mentioned in court they have children and the press hasn’t reported. Worth asking your sons solicitor.
For me when I found out what sentence he got it is some sort of closure. Even though I was praying my partner would get a light sentence or It was all some kind of some mistake.
you know where you are after it, esp if their court cases keep getting postponed, and you don’t have a court date, even after it came out in the press (which was the worst bit for me) I was constantly on edge before waiting to see if would come out or not, at 1st i constantly felt sick about who knew and who didn’t ( still do a bit) but I’m starting to think now who knows knows and it’s now yesterday’s news.
I just hope my partner can rebuild his life when he gets out, I can’t seem to hate him even though he’s hurt me badly, probably not be able to trust him though.
Hope this helps, take care xx