Family and Friends Forum

Hi Paula,

Yes I do too, it's hard isn't it as we are grieving for someone who we thought we knew. I am not sure on your story so not sure on the reasons your partner gave for doing it but my Husband was scarily addicted to pornography and sex. He was lead down a dark path from another extreme porn site and ended up chatting with other men about child abuse. He did it the once and then we got the knock. Since the knock, however, he is a changed man. Like, REALLY changed. He is no longer the grumpy frustrated man who I was becoming to hate. He is taking every single bit of help he can get for his addiction to sex and porn and he is making such an effort I feel bad for ending it. This is making it even harder to let him go as I can see such a huge change in him, he is much more attentive, he actually means it when he asks how my day was whereas before, it was because I had asked him. This man is now someone who I would love to spend the rest of my life with but how can I when he said the things I did?! I am having specialised counselling too which is helping and making me realise that there is hope for us if we stay together and actually more women stay with their partners than leave them. Only you can make the decision though and not be influenced by him or your family and friends.

It's tough isn't it but you will come through it and you will do what is best for you. Make sure you give the stop it now guys a call and if you can, book on to the inform course as that is supposed to be really helpful.

I am still with my partner, i sometimes wonder do i truely know him but i think the answer is yes. This awful stituation (sexual communication with a minor) does not take away my happy memories, it does not change all the wonderful memories we share. Does it ruin a marraige?maybe it will only time will tell. Friendship comes in many forms, do you know the darkest secrets of all your friend?, would you know the history of and secrets of new friends? Remember dont be so hard on yourself, you shared a life, love and friendship with this man, its ok to find it hard to let go and its also absolutly fine to maintain a friendship with him. You may not want to marry him but why cant you have a friendship if that is what you would both like. Easier said then done but dont lose the good memories and the good times, you did experience them and you did feel them. I dont know what direction my life will take now, i dont know if we can get through it all. Everyone life and everyones story is different, only you can say how you feel and what you would like. These crimes are not just black and white, if you had asked me months ago would i help, support and offer friendship to my partner after commiting a crime i think i might have said no but the reality is different. Even though we remain friends and will try to get through, i still mourn the loss of what we had.

Hi guys

im still with my husband although I don’t know what will happen with regards to being prosecuted, he is under investigation for facilitating to sexually abuse a minor and instigate it by talking to another man online, he didn’t download any images and never spoke or met anyone but can still be charged with talking about it apparently although he didn’t know this, he’s currently not allowed to live with us and can only see our daughter under my supervision away from the family home, I just want everything to go back to normal, theses are such scary times and the waiting is horrendous, we’ve been married for 22 years and know he is no threat to my daughter despite the things he was talking about online but I have to prove to ss that I can protect her from him, very few people know and I’ve only just told one of my grown up sons the other isn’t home until next week for Christmas, he’s promised he will never look at porn again and wish he’d known about the stop it now team as he has realised he had a problem, you can’t change how you feel about someone, and you know him better than anyone xxx

Hi Paula

I know how you're feeling, it took me such a long while to start to get over my husband. We were together for 15 years and I loved the bones of him, when this all happened and I asked him to leave I would literally howl and cry hysterically at the thought of not being with him but - I couldn't forgive it forget what he'd done.

He's never once shown any remorse, he blames me for his reason for doing it. He is being awful over our divorce and making me go through the courts for that because apparently 'i don't deserve half'!!

I honestly think him being so horrible is what had helped me, I can hand on heart day I don't love him anymore, I don't hate him as I think that such a wasted emotion but I sincerely hope he gets the help he needs but doesn't think he does!!

You're doing so well and you know what, you can have a wobbly day, we will probably still be having them a few years down the road but that's okay.

Do what makes you comfortable and happy

Take care xx

I am finding it immensely helpful to read these comments, and I can echo so much of what has been said. I thought I knew my partner inside out, and I was deeply traumatised at the revelations following the knock. The breach of trust, the lying and the secrecy were just devastating. I would have said there could be no way back after this, despite having had a long and very happy relationship. A while in and I started to consider remaining friends perhaps, one day in the future.

I kept it all to myself, apart from a couple of people I was forced to disclose to and their complete lack of understanding, and their disgust, just isolated me further. It was hard not being able to turn to the one person who I have always turned to, the one person who would completely understand. Eventually I allowed myself to open my eyes to his remorse and determination to change. I started to consider some of the reasons behind what led him to this dark place. I'm not sure I'll ever really understand it fully, but it's hard to throw away a really good relationship without giving it another try, and this is what I am now trying to do. It's an opportunity to try and start again, and he has some work to do in putting things right, but seeing his regret and remorse has been helpful in wanting to consider a second chance. Without remorse and a resolve to change, I don't think there would be any point

I now have hope that it's possible, and women on this forum have been so honest and inspirational by sharing their conflicting and changing emotions. I feel I have spent my life considering everyone else around me; their feelings and what is best for them. It's actually a scary yet novel thing for me to allow myself the question of what do I really want? Finally I am starting to admit to myself that I do want to try rebuilding our relationship, to see if it can recover from this hammer blow. It feels like a guilty secret. Daily, I mourn the loss of what we had, but those memories and experiences are not illusions and I start to wonder whether we might make new ones in the future, with hopefully greater honesty and openness from him. I'm not there yet and I have wobbly days, lots of questions, pain and some anger still. I am interested to know whether anyone has managed to fully restore their relationship. Can it ever be as good, even though different? Does this whole trauma allow for a deeper level of communication and honesty that could actually change things for the better? Can a porn addiction genuinely be overcome? How does one manage the conflicting loyalties with friends and family who don't know the situation, or will be hostile if he's back in my life? So many questions, I know. It's a lonely learning curve, but I feel more positive and hopeful than I did at the beginning.