Your reasons for letting Dad stay in Kids lives
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Since the Knock (6 days ago) we have had no contact with my partner whatsoever and he has been staying with his parents. Today I am being visited my Social Services and I am so angry that someone else's actions are causing my parenting to be questioned. At the moment I cannot imagine letting my Son near his Dad again (accused of uploading indecent images of children pre puberty but not babies and toddlers, dating back to at least 2018 when my Son was just turning 2) but I am so torn as they did have an amazing relationship and were so close. They did everything together and my Son is really missing him and asking after his Daddy (Son is 3.5 years old)
This is an impossible situation to be in and I keep changing my mind from never allowing access again to allowing supervised access if myself and ex mother in law are present at all times. In my heart I feel he wouldn't be a risk to our son but then again I never would have thought him capeable of what he's done.
So I just wondered, those Mums who have let them remain in contact with their offending fathers, why? Love to you all
This is an impossible situation to be in and I keep changing my mind from never allowing access again to allowing supervised access if myself and ex mother in law are present at all times. In my heart I feel he wouldn't be a risk to our son but then again I never would have thought him capeable of what he's done.
So I just wondered, those Mums who have let them remain in contact with their offending fathers, why? Love to you all
I think I am struggling the most with my Mums constant opinion and guilt tripping and making me feel like I don't have a choice.
I would never get back with him, what he has done disgusts me and as much as it's going to be a massive shock for me not having the constant help at home that I got from him I could never go back. My instinct however is that I think supervised contact would be ok as I would always be there watching and it would be better than my Son suffering and missing his Daddy. My Mum and the rest of my family however don't agree with me at all and think him and his entire family should be cut off and aren't prepared to listen to my side of the story or my opinion, claiming my decision directly affects them and their lives.
I feel so torn, I know he's done wrong and I hate him for it and would never go near him again if we didn't have a child but I grew up without a Dad and don't want the same for my Son who up until now had an amazing relationship with his Dad.
I would never get back with him, what he has done disgusts me and as much as it's going to be a massive shock for me not having the constant help at home that I got from him I could never go back. My instinct however is that I think supervised contact would be ok as I would always be there watching and it would be better than my Son suffering and missing his Daddy. My Mum and the rest of my family however don't agree with me at all and think him and his entire family should be cut off and aren't prepared to listen to my side of the story or my opinion, claiming my decision directly affects them and their lives.
I feel so torn, I know he's done wrong and I hate him for it and would never go near him again if we didn't have a child but I grew up without a Dad and don't want the same for my Son who up until now had an amazing relationship with his Dad.
Unfortunately I did have a message written up in response but took too long and it times out :(
I would recommend not to make any big decisions since it is early days. Take it day by day and contact the Lucy faithful foundation for advice when you are ready.
I would like to point out that despite the terrible actions of your partner (I assume they admitted to it?) He still has some rights as a father. My partner, for example, had the knock three years ago and has not seen or spoken to his kids since then because his ex wife refused. They were one and four.
He did fight for some sort of contact through family courts before he was charged. They could not enforce visitation rights before sentencing but made it legally binding that is ex wife has to send an email at least once a month to update him on the kids.
He was sentenced in aug last year and has applied to the courts for visiting centre meet ups (the only option really since his ex wife provides no alternative). By the time this is agreed (which we believe is likely since my partner is not a contact risk and does have father rights) it will be three years since he saw his kids. His youngest won't even know who he is.
Essentially my point is that your ex partner has some sort of rights which they could use to make contact in future even if you cut him off completely. It might not be a long term solution.
You know what is best for your child and I know it is hard to not take on family advice but it is your child that is key here. Whatever you decide with regards to contact I hope your family provide you the support.
I would recommend not to make any big decisions since it is early days. Take it day by day and contact the Lucy faithful foundation for advice when you are ready.
I would like to point out that despite the terrible actions of your partner (I assume they admitted to it?) He still has some rights as a father. My partner, for example, had the knock three years ago and has not seen or spoken to his kids since then because his ex wife refused. They were one and four.
He did fight for some sort of contact through family courts before he was charged. They could not enforce visitation rights before sentencing but made it legally binding that is ex wife has to send an email at least once a month to update him on the kids.
He was sentenced in aug last year and has applied to the courts for visiting centre meet ups (the only option really since his ex wife provides no alternative). By the time this is agreed (which we believe is likely since my partner is not a contact risk and does have father rights) it will be three years since he saw his kids. His youngest won't even know who he is.
Essentially my point is that your ex partner has some sort of rights which they could use to make contact in future even if you cut him off completely. It might not be a long term solution.
You know what is best for your child and I know it is hard to not take on family advice but it is your child that is key here. Whatever you decide with regards to contact I hope your family provide you the support.
I agree it's far too early to be making a decision. You need to do what's best for you as a family - this isn't about your mum. Over time things will become much clearer.
My children have always had an amazing relationship with their dad and I was certainly not going to use them to punish him. He comes to our house daily as it's given them some stability and a sense of calm in these difficult days. If they didn't see him they would be utterly heartbroken. He's also helping out with shopping, jobs around the house etc and things are pretty good given the circumstances.
Just take one day at a time. Don't put yourself under any added pressure to make any big decisions yet.
Sending you a big hug xx
My children have always had an amazing relationship with their dad and I was certainly not going to use them to punish him. He comes to our house daily as it's given them some stability and a sense of calm in these difficult days. If they didn't see him they would be utterly heartbroken. He's also helping out with shopping, jobs around the house etc and things are pretty good given the circumstances.
Just take one day at a time. Don't put yourself under any added pressure to make any big decisions yet.
Sending you a big hug xx
For me it's definitely not about 'punishing' him (although that is what he deserves for tearing our family apart) it's more about how the relationship moving forward would actually benefit my son?
His Bail conditions at the moment are that he isn't allowed contact with our Son at all which is already going to be a lot of lost time. The restrictions put in place by Social Services will mean they will never have a normal Father Son relationship. His Dad won't be able to come to parents evenings, sports days, school shows, birthday party's or ever be allowed alone with him. No overnight stays, no holidays, no day trips around other children. So then he will want to know why, and I'll have to explain and that will damage him. Its easy to think short term (three year old missing Daddy) rather than long term, when he's older and asks 'why can't my dad be at my birthday parties' and you have to tell him that he's not allowed around kids.
Its definitely a hard decision that I don't want to make.
His Bail conditions at the moment are that he isn't allowed contact with our Son at all which is already going to be a lot of lost time. The restrictions put in place by Social Services will mean they will never have a normal Father Son relationship. His Dad won't be able to come to parents evenings, sports days, school shows, birthday party's or ever be allowed alone with him. No overnight stays, no holidays, no day trips around other children. So then he will want to know why, and I'll have to explain and that will damage him. Its easy to think short term (three year old missing Daddy) rather than long term, when he's older and asks 'why can't my dad be at my birthday parties' and you have to tell him that he's not allowed around kids.
Its definitely a hard decision that I don't want to make.
He is under investigation I assume? Has he pled guilty? I would avoid making any decision right away. You will swing through every emotion. He may be innocent and found nfa.