Husbands arrest taken my world
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This is my first time posting and I am sorry if I blabber on. It’s been five weeks since the knock on the door that ruined my entire world. My four year old boy was watching tv in the living when the police entered and took our devices and arrested my seemingly willing husband. It’s like he almost knew it was coming. I spent the day waiting for a call, I was told he couldn’t be bailed to my address so I called his mother and arranged for her to take him in.
I had what I expect to be usual feelings; How could I be so stupid? How did I not see it coming? Why me? In my eyes my husband was chasing some sort of dream and I was living mine. He was not a perfect but good husband, we had a good relationship and I liked as well as loved him. As a father he was present; his phone definitely took priority over being a parent but I am sure he cares in his own way about our son. We have been “lucky” (and I use the term loosely) at his 28 day bail he was charged, I know it can drag on so I am grateful for that. 50 Indecent images, cat a,b and c. I have spent numerous evenings talking to him on the phone. He seems remorseful but he is what I deem a professional liar.
This situation is obviously amplified by the current crisis (Covid-19). I am extremely lonely, missing my soulmate and trying to provide my son with the security he so desperately needs. The same day he was arrested I went through his phone records and found a number he had been consistently calling. It was another woman he has been in contact with and sending extramarital images (double blow). I have a disability also so I am struggling with taking care of my son alone physically. Its just exhausting in every way.
He has made excuses about his behaviour. Told me things about his past that have contributed to his addiction (mostly about his upbringing) but wont disclosure this information to his close family. My family took him in when he was 16 and gave him trust and security. They are all heart broken and in turn very much dismissing my feelings and telling me my actions as wrong (basically that I should show no empathy or love for this monster). This honestly makes me pull away from them also. I have never felt so alone.
I had given in a lot of thought and had convinced myself to take it one day at a time with the goal of trying to save the family in the long run. He had promised me that the pornography had just crossed into pubescent girls. Making out it was a fine line crossed. When the SW came to sign supervised contact documentation she informed me that it was as young as 3 years old. It was like the knock at the door all over again. He insists it isn’t the case but hasn’t however spoken to me since as its started to get messy between our families. To me this was the final lie and the reason I am sending my divorce papers.
He is a manipulator and liar, he has told me for years I am trying to find something wrong with the relationship. Made me feel extremely paranoid. His mother is now very much calling the shots for him and if I am being honest my parents and family are doing the same for me. My little boy is very resilient and hasn’t asked about his father. But does say that “daddy is naughty”. Not sure where he has got that from. The SW did say that the images were heterosexual so she doesn’t believe my husband would have harmed my son because he is male ?.
My biggest concerns are; will this get made public? Newspapers? social media? Only a small circle know the truth and everyone else believes he has had an affair and left me. Is’nt entirely untrue. Is he likely to go to prison? Do I let him see our son only for him to be ripped away if he goes to prison? I don’t want to lose my family because of my selfish partner and his decisions. When will my heart stop hurting as much as it is? I am so angry I am left alone emotionally, physically and financially. But so sad to have lost the only person I could ever imagine being with until my dying day. I will never stop asking the question; why?
I had what I expect to be usual feelings; How could I be so stupid? How did I not see it coming? Why me? In my eyes my husband was chasing some sort of dream and I was living mine. He was not a perfect but good husband, we had a good relationship and I liked as well as loved him. As a father he was present; his phone definitely took priority over being a parent but I am sure he cares in his own way about our son. We have been “lucky” (and I use the term loosely) at his 28 day bail he was charged, I know it can drag on so I am grateful for that. 50 Indecent images, cat a,b and c. I have spent numerous evenings talking to him on the phone. He seems remorseful but he is what I deem a professional liar.
This situation is obviously amplified by the current crisis (Covid-19). I am extremely lonely, missing my soulmate and trying to provide my son with the security he so desperately needs. The same day he was arrested I went through his phone records and found a number he had been consistently calling. It was another woman he has been in contact with and sending extramarital images (double blow). I have a disability also so I am struggling with taking care of my son alone physically. Its just exhausting in every way.
He has made excuses about his behaviour. Told me things about his past that have contributed to his addiction (mostly about his upbringing) but wont disclosure this information to his close family. My family took him in when he was 16 and gave him trust and security. They are all heart broken and in turn very much dismissing my feelings and telling me my actions as wrong (basically that I should show no empathy or love for this monster). This honestly makes me pull away from them also. I have never felt so alone.
I had given in a lot of thought and had convinced myself to take it one day at a time with the goal of trying to save the family in the long run. He had promised me that the pornography had just crossed into pubescent girls. Making out it was a fine line crossed. When the SW came to sign supervised contact documentation she informed me that it was as young as 3 years old. It was like the knock at the door all over again. He insists it isn’t the case but hasn’t however spoken to me since as its started to get messy between our families. To me this was the final lie and the reason I am sending my divorce papers.
He is a manipulator and liar, he has told me for years I am trying to find something wrong with the relationship. Made me feel extremely paranoid. His mother is now very much calling the shots for him and if I am being honest my parents and family are doing the same for me. My little boy is very resilient and hasn’t asked about his father. But does say that “daddy is naughty”. Not sure where he has got that from. The SW did say that the images were heterosexual so she doesn’t believe my husband would have harmed my son because he is male ?.
My biggest concerns are; will this get made public? Newspapers? social media? Only a small circle know the truth and everyone else believes he has had an affair and left me. Is’nt entirely untrue. Is he likely to go to prison? Do I let him see our son only for him to be ripped away if he goes to prison? I don’t want to lose my family because of my selfish partner and his decisions. When will my heart stop hurting as much as it is? I am so angry I am left alone emotionally, physically and financially. But so sad to have lost the only person I could ever imagine being with until my dying day. I will never stop asking the question; why?
Also in no way am I saying crossing a fine line is exceptable but children my sons ages just rips me apart. This surely doesnt mean I shared my bed with a messed up monster of a person?
Also in no way am I saying crossing a fine line is exceptable but children my sons ages just rips me apart. This surely doesnt mean I shared my bed with a messed up monster of a person?
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my rambling. I really have taken a lot of comfort from your words. As most of you I expect feel the lonliness and uncertainty are the most troublesome feelings. People that only know he has left because of an affair keep saying "there is no point in staying in unhappy marriage". The issue with that is our marriage was great and I was never unhappy. His behaviour always tormented me but I chose to put up with that for the sake of our family. Now I know the truth behind that behaviour. His constant need to be on his phone. How he would ignore me daily when i was speaking to him. And how i would wake to the light on his phone most nights and cry myself to sleep wondering why. My suspicion was another woman but obviously It was that and far worse.
He is not financially stable (lost his very good job because of the arrest) and offering nothing to my son and I. Because I have been encouraged by him to be a stay at home wife this has also left me in hot water.
Its like my world was a different one before lockdown began. I am at a loss about where to begin in rebuilding my life.
He is not financially stable (lost his very good job because of the arrest) and offering nothing to my son and I. Because I have been encouraged by him to be a stay at home wife this has also left me in hot water.
Its like my world was a different one before lockdown began. I am at a loss about where to begin in rebuilding my life.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my rambling. I really have taken a lot of comfort from your words. As most of you I expect feel the lonliness and uncertainty are the most troublesome feelings. People that only know he has left because of an affair keep saying "there is no point in staying in unhappy marriage". The issue with that is our marriage was great and I was never unhappy. His behaviour always tormented me but I chose to put up with that for the sake of our family. Now I know the truth behind that behaviour. His constant need to be on his phone. How he would ignore me daily when i was speaking to him. And how i would wake to the light on his phone most nights and cry myself to sleep wondering why. My suspicion was another woman but obviously It was that and far worse.
He is not financially stable (lost his very good job because of the arrest) and offering nothing to my son and I. Because I have been encouraged by him to be a stay at home wife this has also left me in hot water.
Its like my world was a different one before lockdown began. I am at a loss about where to begin in rebuilding my life.
He is not financially stable (lost his very good job because of the arrest) and offering nothing to my son and I. Because I have been encouraged by him to be a stay at home wife this has also left me in hot water.
Its like my world was a different one before lockdown began. I am at a loss about where to begin in rebuilding my life.
I have already applied for universal credit and I am scraping by with that. The sw has been more than nice if I am honest. She knows I have very limited communication with my ex husband and that he doesnt financially contribute anything at all. Everyday I wake up and for a split second forget that this has happened to us. We were the fairytale and he was meant to rescue me. And now he has left me alone and isolated. I dont think I can forgive that. They ruin everything on the basis of a irrational feeling. Life was good enough what more could he have wanted. I'm just trying to look to the future and not be fearful of it. I thank you so much for sharing with me and wish you all the luck with your situation.
Your story sounds so similar to mine! I'm so sorry you're in this position too. It's been just over a week for me, I was playing with our three year old son in the pool when police turned up at the door and shattered my life.
I haven't had any contact with my (now ex) fiancé since he kissed me and my son goodbye that morning before going off to work (he was arrested at work) all I know is that he was arrested for uploading indecent images of underage girls. We had a visit from social services, the social worker was lovely and said that she was just there to support me and get me any help I needed such as counselling and that she knows my Son is well looked after and safe with me.
My Son has been crying for his Daddy, asking 'where's my daddy gone' and saying 'I want my daddy back' which makes me burst into tears every time. They were so close and we spent every minute he wasn't at work together as a family. My son has never even been away from him for a night before so now it's been over a week without them seeing each other, my heart breaks for my Son. But I am SO ANGRY with his Dad for putting him through this and doing this to him and I can't shake the thought of him having a sick mind and not wanting him near our young son now. Like you I am also terrified of the newspapers and social media finding out, I've been refreshing the local news page several times a day even though I know it won't be published until after court and the fact he worked for the police (is now suspended) makes it even more likely it will be published. I've come off social media completely, even LinkedIn and changed my name on my email address and google accounts and it makes me so angry I've had to do that to protect myself and my son when I haven't done anything wrong! I spent years building up my Instagram and was getting work and beans deals through it which I've now lost in seconds because of him.
literally nothing I've said will be helpful to you in anyway but you're not alone! So many of us on here can relate to what you're going through, we can get through this together x
I haven't had any contact with my (now ex) fiancé since he kissed me and my son goodbye that morning before going off to work (he was arrested at work) all I know is that he was arrested for uploading indecent images of underage girls. We had a visit from social services, the social worker was lovely and said that she was just there to support me and get me any help I needed such as counselling and that she knows my Son is well looked after and safe with me.
My Son has been crying for his Daddy, asking 'where's my daddy gone' and saying 'I want my daddy back' which makes me burst into tears every time. They were so close and we spent every minute he wasn't at work together as a family. My son has never even been away from him for a night before so now it's been over a week without them seeing each other, my heart breaks for my Son. But I am SO ANGRY with his Dad for putting him through this and doing this to him and I can't shake the thought of him having a sick mind and not wanting him near our young son now. Like you I am also terrified of the newspapers and social media finding out, I've been refreshing the local news page several times a day even though I know it won't be published until after court and the fact he worked for the police (is now suspended) makes it even more likely it will be published. I've come off social media completely, even LinkedIn and changed my name on my email address and google accounts and it makes me so angry I've had to do that to protect myself and my son when I haven't done anything wrong! I spent years building up my Instagram and was getting work and beans deals through it which I've now lost in seconds because of him.
literally nothing I've said will be helpful to you in anyway but you're not alone! So many of us on here can relate to what you're going through, we can get through this together x
**brand deals sorry not bean deals!
I'm so sorry to hear about the pressure of your ex partners job. I'm feeling the same pressure of trying to distance myself from my ex partner in anyway. Like I am the guilty one. I am going to change my name back to my maiden name. And have also served his with deadpool papers forky sons name. Although he is a very selfish man and I doubt he will allow me to change my boys name. I just dont want the association between my son and his dad. And also I have been nothing but loyal and traditional in taking his name and now we are getting divorced I dont think it's fair I have to have a different name to my son. We didn't do the crime. The same as you we spent every moment of his nothing working as a family. I have very little friends because I invested myself so much in our small family. His family have been completely unsupportive come and my son. If anything they are protecting my ex and believing his every word. So we have also lost them on top. I cant get my head around how this addiction of HIS has such irreparable damage to everybody elses life.
For my sons**
I am doing exactly the same and have already let him know in an email which he has read but not had the guts to respond to that I am changing our sons name. I did a double barrel surname luckily so it's not going to be too much of a change but the thought of him being associated via name like that! Especially if it comes out In the media. I'm currently reading the book 'the porn trap' which explains a lot of the psychology behind what these men do and the addiction and it's very interesting, definitely recommend it for trying to understand how this happens
I will definately give it a look. I seen it recomended a few times. Thank you. I really do find comfort from your messages and not feeling totally alone.
It has gotten to the point where my ex refuses to speak to me about our son. He has the luxury of just cutting ties with us like we meant nothing. I wish I made better choices of father for my boy. I know that's silly because he wouldnt be the same boy without his dad. But he has just abandoned us in every way a man could. At this point I am considering moving. A fresh start as far away as possible maybe why we both need.
Thank you all for responding I would have been really lonely otherwise.
It has gotten to the point where my ex refuses to speak to me about our son. He has the luxury of just cutting ties with us like we meant nothing. I wish I made better choices of father for my boy. I know that's silly because he wouldnt be the same boy without his dad. But he has just abandoned us in every way a man could. At this point I am considering moving. A fresh start as far away as possible maybe why we both need.
Thank you all for responding I would have been really lonely otherwise.
Maybe what**