3 days in.....
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Here I am, 5am racking my brain for answers. I’m glad I have found this group, I’ve not reached out to anyone yet. It all started Sunday morning with the knock at the door. They have only ceased his phone, nothing of mine. From what he has told me after speaking with the duty solicitor the pictures he has looked at are cat c, pics he found on tumblr. He says he is not sexually aroused by them, (this is what I find most difficult to understand or believe) they are fully clothed or what they called “catalogue” pictures, obviously they haven’t seen the pics themselves so are just going on what he described. The advice given was that he tries to carry on as normal as possible, ie work. We have no children and neither of us work with children so he is not classed as a risk.
So, where do I go from here? He is my soul mate, my best friend, my everything. We have been together for 21 years, after getting over the fact that we couldn’t have children, we have built a life for ourselves without kids. We had so much to look forward to. Do I wait and see if or what he is charged with, hope he is telling me the truth, help him seek help in finding out what’s going on in his head? Do I chuck him out knowing he has no where to go, do I, we tell anyone or wait?
He is going through all the emotions, terrified I will chuck him out and leave him, he would know at this point he has lost everything.
I really want to support him, but I need support to, we need support together.
if it turns out he has lied about the images there is no doubt he will be out of my life.
how can I get through the next few months of waiting without talking to anyone about it. I am off sick with stress due to “personal issues” , when I return do I need to tell my boss what’s happened?
please help ????????
So, where do I go from here? He is my soul mate, my best friend, my everything. We have been together for 21 years, after getting over the fact that we couldn’t have children, we have built a life for ourselves without kids. We had so much to look forward to. Do I wait and see if or what he is charged with, hope he is telling me the truth, help him seek help in finding out what’s going on in his head? Do I chuck him out knowing he has no where to go, do I, we tell anyone or wait?
He is going through all the emotions, terrified I will chuck him out and leave him, he would know at this point he has lost everything.
I really want to support him, but I need support to, we need support together.
if it turns out he has lied about the images there is no doubt he will be out of my life.
how can I get through the next few months of waiting without talking to anyone about it. I am off sick with stress due to “personal issues” , when I return do I need to tell my boss what’s happened?
please help ????????
Hello E
I am also awake at 5am, and it's several months after the knock. I feel for you - your shock, your conflicting emotions. Be gentle with yourself and don't try to understand it all at once. Do phone the helpline because they are so helpful, kind and understanding.
I would find it very hard to believe that the images are so innocent. My advice would be to set your expectations low, and don't make hard and fast rules for yourself and your reactions just yet, though whatever you feel is valid. Don't let him tell you otherwise. I would ask to speak to the police officer in charge, and if your husband is worth his salts he would give permission for the police to tell you what they know. It doesn't seem to come at the start, but eventually perhaps, your husband will realise that complete honesty is actually easier for you to cope with than discovering from a third party the worst of the crimes. I think the automatic playing down, the lying and wanting to preserve the status quo are gut habits learned from this particular kind of secret behaviour and old habits die hard.
Be kind to yourself and think about how you want the next few weeks to progress. Work out what you can and can't cope with and don't be pushed into any kind of guilt trip. You have not caused this. My advice would be not to tell anyone you don't have to, and to set the boundaries you are comfortable with.
I am also awake at 5am, and it's several months after the knock. I feel for you - your shock, your conflicting emotions. Be gentle with yourself and don't try to understand it all at once. Do phone the helpline because they are so helpful, kind and understanding.
I would find it very hard to believe that the images are so innocent. My advice would be to set your expectations low, and don't make hard and fast rules for yourself and your reactions just yet, though whatever you feel is valid. Don't let him tell you otherwise. I would ask to speak to the police officer in charge, and if your husband is worth his salts he would give permission for the police to tell you what they know. It doesn't seem to come at the start, but eventually perhaps, your husband will realise that complete honesty is actually easier for you to cope with than discovering from a third party the worst of the crimes. I think the automatic playing down, the lying and wanting to preserve the status quo are gut habits learned from this particular kind of secret behaviour and old habits die hard.
Be kind to yourself and think about how you want the next few weeks to progress. Work out what you can and can't cope with and don't be pushed into any kind of guilt trip. You have not caused this. My advice would be not to tell anyone you don't have to, and to set the boundaries you are comfortable with.
Hi Madeline
thankyou for replying so quick.
I think I will go back to work, just for the last 3 nights before the Christmas break.I can’t sit around on my own, I will drive my self even crazier. What I have explained to him is that whilst we wait, I expect him to speak with someone and find the help he needs. Doing nothing is not an option. IF I am to support him I need to see his commitment in finding out what’s going on in that head of his.
he has suffered depression and attempted suicide twice at a young age, through feelings of neglect, reasons even after 21 years I no little about, he seeked help about 10 years ago when it all crept up on him and his desicion was to “leave the box closed” this could have been the most crucial part of his life that he needed help with. I wish thinking back I pushed it, but I remember feeling terrified of what might come out.
we are supposed to be going to my parents for Christmas, then away for a break on our own for a few days. He said he cannot face Christmas. But the break away to ourselves might give him chance to talk more. We either sit here all week, or go somewhere peaceful and use that time to see where we start the new year.
I have no idea what to tell my family regarding Christmas, or about anything until I have to
thankyou for replying so quick.
I think I will go back to work, just for the last 3 nights before the Christmas break.I can’t sit around on my own, I will drive my self even crazier. What I have explained to him is that whilst we wait, I expect him to speak with someone and find the help he needs. Doing nothing is not an option. IF I am to support him I need to see his commitment in finding out what’s going on in that head of his.
he has suffered depression and attempted suicide twice at a young age, through feelings of neglect, reasons even after 21 years I no little about, he seeked help about 10 years ago when it all crept up on him and his desicion was to “leave the box closed” this could have been the most crucial part of his life that he needed help with. I wish thinking back I pushed it, but I remember feeling terrified of what might come out.
we are supposed to be going to my parents for Christmas, then away for a break on our own for a few days. He said he cannot face Christmas. But the break away to ourselves might give him chance to talk more. We either sit here all week, or go somewhere peaceful and use that time to see where we start the new year.
I have no idea what to tell my family regarding Christmas, or about anything until I have to
Oh E, you must be devastated, I'm 8 months down the line and although we still have wobbles we find we are so much stronger than we realised.
Just try to take each day at a time, do what you feel is right and helps you.
I would definitely try and speak with the police, the police rang me and told me what my husband had admitted to, unfortunately it wasn't very much and the lies since are difficult to come to terms with.
Be prepared for that, he could be scared to tell you the truth.
Just take it slowly and we're all here and know how you feel.
Take care
Tracey xx
Just try to take each day at a time, do what you feel is right and helps you.
I would definitely try and speak with the police, the police rang me and told me what my husband had admitted to, unfortunately it wasn't very much and the lies since are difficult to come to terms with.
Be prepared for that, he could be scared to tell you the truth.
Just take it slowly and we're all here and know how you feel.
Take care
Tracey xx
Good Morning E.
I am incredibly sorry you have had to find this group but you'll be glad you have. It is a fantastic network of support and do not hesitate to call the helpline. They have been amazing with me. They made me realise my rollercoaster of emotions are normal and that wanting to stand by my husband is actually not a bad thing. I do not know how I would have survived the first week if it wasn't for my constant calls to them.
You definitely need to sit down and ask him to lay it all out on the table for you. If he is 100% honest there may be a way for you both to work it out whereas if you are presented with more than what he has told you in a few months you will find it hard to trust him again. It sounds like he has issues beyond these images that he needs to work on and now seems like the best starting point. Get him to call the helpline too, they really are not judgemental and have helped my Husband.
You have a long road ahead of you E and it's not going to be easy but take it day by day. You WILL come through this and whilst right now you probably feel humiliated, angry, upset, hurt, the list is endless, just know there's a whole heap of us here you can reach out to who knows exactly what you are going through x
I am incredibly sorry you have had to find this group but you'll be glad you have. It is a fantastic network of support and do not hesitate to call the helpline. They have been amazing with me. They made me realise my rollercoaster of emotions are normal and that wanting to stand by my husband is actually not a bad thing. I do not know how I would have survived the first week if it wasn't for my constant calls to them.
You definitely need to sit down and ask him to lay it all out on the table for you. If he is 100% honest there may be a way for you both to work it out whereas if you are presented with more than what he has told you in a few months you will find it hard to trust him again. It sounds like he has issues beyond these images that he needs to work on and now seems like the best starting point. Get him to call the helpline too, they really are not judgemental and have helped my Husband.
You have a long road ahead of you E and it's not going to be easy but take it day by day. You WILL come through this and whilst right now you probably feel humiliated, angry, upset, hurt, the list is endless, just know there's a whole heap of us here you can reach out to who knows exactly what you are going through x
What a difference a day makes. I phoned the support line this morning and so did he.
Since been told some of the images are CAT B. He has been admitted that he is addicted to porn which has led to all this. The advise given to him was no internet, only from my device in my presence, to do the online course on here, make an appointment with his GP (impossible in my area!) and told him about a few books to order to learn about his addiction, basically take steps now!!
Most of my time is focused on him right now, but I do understand I need to think about myself too and what I want.
I am so worried about a conviction, prison, sex offender register, I don’t think I would be able to cope.
Even in the best scenario of I don’t know what, we have a very long road ahead of us.
Since been told some of the images are CAT B. He has been admitted that he is addicted to porn which has led to all this. The advise given to him was no internet, only from my device in my presence, to do the online course on here, make an appointment with his GP (impossible in my area!) and told him about a few books to order to learn about his addiction, basically take steps now!!
Most of my time is focused on him right now, but I do understand I need to think about myself too and what I want.
I am so worried about a conviction, prison, sex offender register, I don’t think I would be able to cope.
Even in the best scenario of I don’t know what, we have a very long road ahead of us.
E, he sounds like my Husband. Horrendous porn addiction that has gotten out of control when usual porn wasn't enough. My Husband (and I have too) has read The Pron Trap which was actually really really helpful to us both. Gives a much better understanding and totally ticks the boxes of the man he became due to this addiction. He has also been going to SAA meetings and does skype and call meetings too. They are religiously based which he isn't but have really helped.
KLK, thank you, I will look that up for him. He asked me to order a book “your brain on porn” which arrives tomorrow, I’ve learnt so much over the last few days, something I’ve never had to learn about but is necessary now.
We started reading through the modules on here last night together, however I want him to do this on his own too. Each night we have been talking for hours and he really opened up to me about his childhood last night, something he’s refused to talk about all these years. From what he’s told me so far, its started to all make sense. This morning I felt overwhelmed with my emotions I had to tell someone.....I chose my parents. I was so scared of their reaction, but they listened, and told me they would support me in what ever desicions I make, perhaps the severity of it all hasn’t sunk in for them yet. My dad was in the merchant navy and said nothing shocks him, he saw it all whilst overseas, but this is their son in law, their daughters husband, someone whom they loved and were so proud of. Time will tell I suppose.
Ive been telling him about this support group, and when I told him I told my parents I think he’s shitting it. Each step I am taking for my own sanity I feel makes me feel stronger, he must be feeling I am pulling away. Another discussion to have.
I hope soon we can have a somewhat normal day, if that even exists. He said he would still like to spend a few days away together after Boxing Day, somewhere away from our usual surroundings. Have you done this, or been out together, and enjoyed each other’s company?
We started reading through the modules on here last night together, however I want him to do this on his own too. Each night we have been talking for hours and he really opened up to me about his childhood last night, something he’s refused to talk about all these years. From what he’s told me so far, its started to all make sense. This morning I felt overwhelmed with my emotions I had to tell someone.....I chose my parents. I was so scared of their reaction, but they listened, and told me they would support me in what ever desicions I make, perhaps the severity of it all hasn’t sunk in for them yet. My dad was in the merchant navy and said nothing shocks him, he saw it all whilst overseas, but this is their son in law, their daughters husband, someone whom they loved and were so proud of. Time will tell I suppose.
Ive been telling him about this support group, and when I told him I told my parents I think he’s shitting it. Each step I am taking for my own sanity I feel makes me feel stronger, he must be feeling I am pulling away. Another discussion to have.
I hope soon we can have a somewhat normal day, if that even exists. He said he would still like to spend a few days away together after Boxing Day, somewhere away from our usual surroundings. Have you done this, or been out together, and enjoyed each other’s company?
E, i see so many similarities between myself and others in the forum. I often feel like other peoples posts like your last one could almost have been written by me. Im reading paula halls book, sex addiction a partners perspective which is very good. Im going to read the other books mentioned next, it feels crazy to be learning all about sex addictions, life takes us in some very unusual directions doesnt it. My partner and i are able to have a nice time together still, getting away might be good for you both. I went away for the weekend with my husband, we were going to cancel it but actually it was great, we agreed to limit out conversations about all this and enjoy ourselves (i felt i deserved to enjoy myself). It doesnt take away all the stress and problems but i found it nice abd we found we could still have a good time together. Despite all thats going on we have still had good times in amongst all the tears and talking.
E, I enjoy my Husbands company more now than I did previously so yes it is possible to enjoy your time away. It's great you have told your parents, you need as much support and help as he does, you can't do this alone. Go away and enjoy your time together.
KLK
I was so angry this morning. I emailed work and said I don’t know when I’ll be back, now I have a meeting in a couple of hours to see if they can help in anyway. They don’t know the exact reasons I am off. Now I regret it, I would like to return to work after the holidays and try and get back to some normality.
I know they have a good support system, perhaps I should just tell them. It is with HR so I know it will remain confidential, i think maybe if I tell them now it will save the humiliation if this ever came out to the public, then I would need their help. Also if I have a bad day, at least someone would understand why.
God, this is so hard.
I have arranged an appointment in the new year for him to see a private therapist. No chance with his GP yesterday aside from chucking diazepam at him. They said it could take months for referral.
Do you know, we even bought a campervan in September, this was our idea of bringing adventure into our lives, we love holidays, the dream was to be away most weekends in 2019. Now I get that we should have probably invested in our relationship in an emotional way ????
I was so angry this morning. I emailed work and said I don’t know when I’ll be back, now I have a meeting in a couple of hours to see if they can help in anyway. They don’t know the exact reasons I am off. Now I regret it, I would like to return to work after the holidays and try and get back to some normality.
I know they have a good support system, perhaps I should just tell them. It is with HR so I know it will remain confidential, i think maybe if I tell them now it will save the humiliation if this ever came out to the public, then I would need their help. Also if I have a bad day, at least someone would understand why.
God, this is so hard.
I have arranged an appointment in the new year for him to see a private therapist. No chance with his GP yesterday aside from chucking diazepam at him. They said it could take months for referral.
Do you know, we even bought a campervan in September, this was our idea of bringing adventure into our lives, we love holidays, the dream was to be away most weekends in 2019. Now I get that we should have probably invested in our relationship in an emotional way ????
Hi E, Poster has says it all really. And I totally agree with her.
For all of us this is unknown territory. My support has come from family and a few close friends and from a therapist who specialises in this area. Paula Halls book for partners is also helpful.
I still see my ex and ‘enjoy ‘ his company....but only if we compartmentalise what’s happened and almost pretend it hasn’t. But more and more I am beginning to feel that this isn’t honest or right. Especially when my daughter reminds me of how serious the categories are.
At the beginning there were so many lies from him about how, why etc. I’m not sure what is worse. The fact that he lied, or the truth once it surfaced.
But it is up to each of us to process in our own way and our own time what has happened. And you don’t have to justify your decisions to anybody. Just be true to yourself.
Paula x
For all of us this is unknown territory. My support has come from family and a few close friends and from a therapist who specialises in this area. Paula Halls book for partners is also helpful.
I still see my ex and ‘enjoy ‘ his company....but only if we compartmentalise what’s happened and almost pretend it hasn’t. But more and more I am beginning to feel that this isn’t honest or right. Especially when my daughter reminds me of how serious the categories are.
At the beginning there were so many lies from him about how, why etc. I’m not sure what is worse. The fact that he lied, or the truth once it surfaced.
But it is up to each of us to process in our own way and our own time what has happened. And you don’t have to justify your decisions to anybody. Just be true to yourself.
Paula x
Thanks guys. We have never met yet but your words and understanding mean everything to me xxxxxxxxx
This is my first post so hope I am doing it right.am at 3 days since knock at the door, not eating not sleeping and worried about being a single mum. What stages do people go through is it like grief.
I am still in shock so not processed anything. Worried about my husband suicide risk.
I am still in shock so not processed anything. Worried about my husband suicide risk.
Hello Bethlou23,
A week into this hell hole for me, please phone the help line. I would urge your partner to do so too, they will listen without judgement and advice him of what steps he can take to get immediate help.
its so hard isn’t it.
Come back for support on here, this is my lifeline at the moment, to know I can write anything and someone will come back to me is a great comfort.
E xxxxxx
A week into this hell hole for me, please phone the help line. I would urge your partner to do so too, they will listen without judgement and advice him of what steps he can take to get immediate help.
its so hard isn’t it.
Come back for support on here, this is my lifeline at the moment, to know I can write anything and someone will come back to me is a great comfort.
E xxxxxx
Just to say thank you for the reply’s. I am very great full for them. It’s probably true that I did most of the work regarding childcare myself but still my daughter misses my husband so it’s hard. ( I am living with a friend) as work with children so can’t continue the relationship.
i just can’t get my head around the secrets. I thought we had a good relationship.
i still think my partner is minimising the images, stating it wasn’t that bad but my child’s social worker suggested that it may be worse. And I can’t supervise contact myself with him. I need an extra adult there. Do social workers get intelligence from the police or do people not know till the computers come back?
its so hard I still care ( not at angry stage yet) just confused and trying to make sense.
i just can’t get my head around the secrets. I thought we had a good relationship.
i still think my partner is minimising the images, stating it wasn’t that bad but my child’s social worker suggested that it may be worse. And I can’t supervise contact myself with him. I need an extra adult there. Do social workers get intelligence from the police or do people not know till the computers come back?
its so hard I still care ( not at angry stage yet) just confused and trying to make sense.
I have called the helpline spoke some nice people. They asked me to call back Christmas Eve so hope I can find a quiet space to do this around Christmas. Thanks so much everyone. I am end of day 4
Thanks so much poster. Your words mean so much. My sister is with me over Christmas so think she will help me with finding some Christmas magic.
hope you have a peaceful Christmas break too.
Yes your our right about the search war rent surely they need more than a slight suspicion to raid houses at 7 am.
Thanks again I appreciate everything people are saying.
hope you have a peaceful Christmas break too.
Yes your our right about the search war rent surely they need more than a slight suspicion to raid houses at 7 am.
Thanks again I appreciate everything people are saying.
Hi Bethlou23
I had the knock in April this year and the warrant was simply to look for images of children but the police told me a few weeks later that they had been monitoring my husband for several months. Another policeman told me that generally what my husband has told me and then I'd like an iceberg, he's only telling me the top to cover the mass that is underneath - which in my case has been very true.
It's definitely like a bereavement, you have your life as you knew it, list the man you thought you knew inside out and lost the future you thought you had.
I would love to say it gets better, and it does to a point in that you can cope better but I'm still not at the stage of saying I can cope properly in the way I used too.
Everyone tells me I'm a strong person getting to this point but when they are all back with their families and life's I'm still on my own! (My son's are 28&31 so live in their own house)
Ask I can say is take care of yourself firstly, be selfish if you have to be. Take each day as it comes and be selfish without guilt.
Take care xxx
I had the knock in April this year and the warrant was simply to look for images of children but the police told me a few weeks later that they had been monitoring my husband for several months. Another policeman told me that generally what my husband has told me and then I'd like an iceberg, he's only telling me the top to cover the mass that is underneath - which in my case has been very true.
It's definitely like a bereavement, you have your life as you knew it, list the man you thought you knew inside out and lost the future you thought you had.
I would love to say it gets better, and it does to a point in that you can cope better but I'm still not at the stage of saying I can cope properly in the way I used too.
Everyone tells me I'm a strong person getting to this point but when they are all back with their families and life's I'm still on my own! (My son's are 28&31 so live in their own house)
Ask I can say is take care of yourself firstly, be selfish if you have to be. Take each day as it comes and be selfish without guilt.
Take care xxx
I am finding it so hard just to get five minutes to myself. Christmas is so hard. The knock only came five days ago. I just need some head space. It’s so difficult with family around and my daughter of nursery. Any tips for self care in the early days.
thanks so much guys. I am such a private and proud person, it’s hard feeling so helpless.
christmas peace to everyone.
thanks so much guys. I am such a private and proud person, it’s hard feeling so helpless.
christmas peace to everyone.
Tracey, also thank you for your personal account. It’s so hard to realise that the person you cared about was so secretive. It’s going to be a long journey.
I found taking comfort from my son's and good friends. Obviously not ever knowone knew, and still don't know why we split up.
I think it's so individual, I know I felt like I was walking around in a fog, it was all I could think about (& still is)! Just do what you feel you can, use the helpline and this forum, we're all in the same boat just at different stages but it certainly helps.
Try and enjoy part of tomorrow xx
I think it's so individual, I know I felt like I was walking around in a fog, it was all I could think about (& still is)! Just do what you feel you can, use the helpline and this forum, we're all in the same boat just at different stages but it certainly helps.
Try and enjoy part of tomorrow xx
Yes Tracey, it’s a complete fog. Christmas Eve wasn’t as bad as I expected even made cakes with my daughter for Santa.
I really appreciate all the experience on the forum.
I really appreciate all the experience on the forum.