Family and Friends Forum

I've been reading through all of the posts in the forum for hours and thinking about everything that's happening in my life right now. The knock on our door came 15 days ago now and I still can't quite believe that this is real life. I keep expecting my husband to walk in and ask us how our day has been and that this nightmare will end. I never in a million years would have believed that my husband would be arrested for looking at iioc. We have an almost 4 year old son and I thought we had the perfect life. Now I'm wondering if any of it was ever real. So far I know that he has been looking at things on the dark web over the past year both videos and images at category A. He says it wasn't constant and only every few months and has admitted to the police that he has sexual feelings towards children. When I was finally able to see him he told me hes felt this way most of his life and he tried to ignore it but the feelings grew stronger. He realises what he has done is totally wrong and is massively remorseful. He's been feeling suicidal but hasnt done anything as he doesn't want to hurt me or his son again. I know I should probably feel angry and mad at him, and I feel like it would be so much simpler if I was but right now I just miss him. SS are involved and are currently doing assesments on my ability to safeguard my son which makes me feel rubbish. He is currently regarded to be at high risk even though my husband has categorically denied ever touching a child and said he never would. I believe him when he says this as he seems so broken he has no reason to lie anymore. Am I being naive? There is currently no contact at all between my son and his Dad. My son is missing him so much and every night he picks out a picture of Dad to kiss goodnight and goes to sleep hugging him but he keeps saying he wants real Daddy. It breaks my heart. He was always an amazing Dad and it hurts to think that all of this will effect their relationship in anyway. How long was it before SS allowed their child to see their Dad? At the minute I feel like all I want is my family to be back together but it's the one thing I cant have and its killing me. The SW said that the biggest red flag for them now would be if I tried to rekindle anything with him. I would never put my child at risk in anyway but feel this is totally unfair to take my choice away with regards to seeing him or being able to support him too. I daren't even talk to him on the phone incase SS take it the wrong way but I feel this is totally wrong. Correct me if you think I'm mad but I'm a grown adult and feel I should be able to see him or speak to him without any consequences so long as I'm not putting my son at risk or breaking any rules regarding contact between the two of them. Am I wrong to think this? I feel like I've lost all control of everything in my life and just feel so low.