I have no idea what to do now?
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I still can't believe I'm having to write on this forum. My husband of 10 years was arrested on Monday and our house searched for electronic items. He has been charged with online sexual communication with a 13yr old which was actually an undercover policewoman.
We have a 2yr old son, 13yrs of history and what I thought was a perfectly normal life. I have no idea how we are in this situation or why I didn't know anything about it. I feel totally blindsided, overwhelmed and confused. He stands to lose his job if convicted, we'd lose our house and I can't even begin to get a grasp on my feelings. I still love him but I'm disgusted and furious with him. I simply cannot comprehend how he could have done this. We can't stay together as he's not allowed at home with our son and I honestly don't think I could ever forgive him or trust him again.
I feel very isolated as only a few members of his family know (he's staying with his sister). I'm not even convinced the shock has worn off. I don't want to tell you family and I'm dreading this going to court and appearing in the press. Our friends, family and my colleagues knowing makes me feel embarrassed, ashamed and anxious.
Does it get easier? How long will it take police to complete their forensic analysis of the equipment? Finally, how do you deal with family/friends? Thank you in advance for any support or suggestions.
We have a 2yr old son, 13yrs of history and what I thought was a perfectly normal life. I have no idea how we are in this situation or why I didn't know anything about it. I feel totally blindsided, overwhelmed and confused. He stands to lose his job if convicted, we'd lose our house and I can't even begin to get a grasp on my feelings. I still love him but I'm disgusted and furious with him. I simply cannot comprehend how he could have done this. We can't stay together as he's not allowed at home with our son and I honestly don't think I could ever forgive him or trust him again.
I feel very isolated as only a few members of his family know (he's staying with his sister). I'm not even convinced the shock has worn off. I don't want to tell you family and I'm dreading this going to court and appearing in the press. Our friends, family and my colleagues knowing makes me feel embarrassed, ashamed and anxious.
Does it get easier? How long will it take police to complete their forensic analysis of the equipment? Finally, how do you deal with family/friends? Thank you in advance for any support or suggestions.
Hi
I'm really sorry you have found yourself here and being part of this club no one wants to be a part of. Our stories sound similar I also have young children and a communication offence is alledged.
this can be a long process and you will see varying lengths of investigations with varying outcomes. This journey is like a rollercoaster of emotions although more lows not sure I recall many highs. I have decided I'm not going to decide about our relationship until the outcome of the investigation and I have all the information. Some people leave some people stay but we are all supportive of whatever we are choosing
My advice is to take each day as it comes and let your emotions out, some people see thier GP for support. We have only confided in our parent but also my work are aware of the allegation due to my job. Have you had chance to phone the help line many find them great.
Have you spoken with your husband about his side of things?? I know for me there's two issues the betrayal in our relationship but also the legal/police side of things. For me I have tried to separate the two to try and get thru this.
Children's services will be involved and for many family's here they are the hardest part to deal with as placing restrictions on the family's with children's services there is not innocent until proven guilty.
we all know how it feels after the knock, keep coming and posting there is a wealth of knowledge and support here sending huge hugs I'm sure someone will come along with a better reply xx
I'm really sorry you have found yourself here and being part of this club no one wants to be a part of. Our stories sound similar I also have young children and a communication offence is alledged.
this can be a long process and you will see varying lengths of investigations with varying outcomes. This journey is like a rollercoaster of emotions although more lows not sure I recall many highs. I have decided I'm not going to decide about our relationship until the outcome of the investigation and I have all the information. Some people leave some people stay but we are all supportive of whatever we are choosing
My advice is to take each day as it comes and let your emotions out, some people see thier GP for support. We have only confided in our parent but also my work are aware of the allegation due to my job. Have you had chance to phone the help line many find them great.
Have you spoken with your husband about his side of things?? I know for me there's two issues the betrayal in our relationship but also the legal/police side of things. For me I have tried to separate the two to try and get thru this.
Children's services will be involved and for many family's here they are the hardest part to deal with as placing restrictions on the family's with children's services there is not innocent until proven guilty.
we all know how it feels after the knock, keep coming and posting there is a wealth of knowledge and support here sending huge hugs I'm sure someone will come along with a better reply xx
Hi Bernie,
I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your child. It sounds like we were in a similar situation, we were married 9 years and together for 11 years with two young children when my ex was arrested. We split straightaway as I couldn't trust him and felt betrayed at the thought of all his lies, even if they had turned out to be only ask to chat rooms we would still have split. Obviously, our situations are more complicated. So he does not see our children as he reoffended and was arrested again whilst under investigation so from that day we stopped contact, with support of SS on my part, he was not happy but I cannot trust him at all.
With regard to family and friends, I have been open with people I trust such as my siblings and close friends as I felt I would need emotional and practical support with two young children and as my ex and I had been best friends and were so close as a family, I couldn't otherwise explain why he wasn't able to be around is anymore and I just think transparency is best after all the lies he had told. Only some members of his family know So I'm careful there as my children and I still have contact with them, because otherwise it was too many people for us three to lose. His parents are a great support to us, my own are not around, and so it is helpful for me and the children to have them in our lives, and I think it helps them too.
It will all get easier but at the beginning it is tremendously overwhelming but you only need to take one step at a time and it will slowly get easier. You are in shock and you must give yourself time to grieve for the husband you thought you knew, there is no way around it but it does get better.
Lots of love, Lou x
I'm so sorry this has happened to you and your child. It sounds like we were in a similar situation, we were married 9 years and together for 11 years with two young children when my ex was arrested. We split straightaway as I couldn't trust him and felt betrayed at the thought of all his lies, even if they had turned out to be only ask to chat rooms we would still have split. Obviously, our situations are more complicated. So he does not see our children as he reoffended and was arrested again whilst under investigation so from that day we stopped contact, with support of SS on my part, he was not happy but I cannot trust him at all.
With regard to family and friends, I have been open with people I trust such as my siblings and close friends as I felt I would need emotional and practical support with two young children and as my ex and I had been best friends and were so close as a family, I couldn't otherwise explain why he wasn't able to be around is anymore and I just think transparency is best after all the lies he had told. Only some members of his family know So I'm careful there as my children and I still have contact with them, because otherwise it was too many people for us three to lose. His parents are a great support to us, my own are not around, and so it is helpful for me and the children to have them in our lives, and I think it helps them too.
It will all get easier but at the beginning it is tremendously overwhelming but you only need to take one step at a time and it will slowly get easier. You are in shock and you must give yourself time to grieve for the husband you thought you knew, there is no way around it but it does get better.
Lots of love, Lou x
Edit; second paragraph should say "adults in the chat rooms"
Sorry, typing too fast.
Lou x
Sorry, typing too fast.
Lou x
Hi Bernie sorry you find yourself here,
my partner was arrested beginning of February this year for communicating and arranging to meet a 12/13 year old who was also police. As for timescale he was sentenced beginning of April so his case happened very quickly even with lockdown. I think it could depend on where you live and how complicated the case is. It was all on his phone so that’s all they really took.
It is still early days for you so you will still be in shock, I’m not sure how I got through those 1st early days/weeks but you will do.
As people have said call the helpline they are very helpful and understanding.
I felt and still do feel very isolated and also ashamed about who I can talk about it, even though his case was in the local press. But you will find lots of lovely people on here who fully understand what you are going through.
Me and my partner don’t have children which I feel for the ladies who do.
Your feelings will be all over the place, I still love my partner and still talk to him over the phone, but I’m not sure I could ever trust him again. Like someone else has put I would ask your husband his side of the story because you will probably like the rest of us want answers, then you can start to decide.
You need to concentrate on you and your child firstly though xx
my partner was arrested beginning of February this year for communicating and arranging to meet a 12/13 year old who was also police. As for timescale he was sentenced beginning of April so his case happened very quickly even with lockdown. I think it could depend on where you live and how complicated the case is. It was all on his phone so that’s all they really took.
It is still early days for you so you will still be in shock, I’m not sure how I got through those 1st early days/weeks but you will do.
As people have said call the helpline they are very helpful and understanding.
I felt and still do feel very isolated and also ashamed about who I can talk about it, even though his case was in the local press. But you will find lots of lovely people on here who fully understand what you are going through.
Me and my partner don’t have children which I feel for the ladies who do.
Your feelings will be all over the place, I still love my partner and still talk to him over the phone, but I’m not sure I could ever trust him again. Like someone else has put I would ask your husband his side of the story because you will probably like the rest of us want answers, then you can start to decide.
You need to concentrate on you and your child firstly though xx
Sorry it's taken me such a long time to reply. Thanks to you all for taking the time.
It's been a very long month since my first post. I'm not sure I'm much further forward. Husband was supposed to attend the police station for bail purposes but that was postponed for another 2 months. I'm swinging between trying to maintain a level of normality for our son and getting the ice cold dread down my spine when I remember what he's actually done.
I've tried to do some research regarding his likely sentencing and it's looking grim. He made contact with a minor (undercover police) but I now know for a fact that he's been on the chat app for over 5 yrs. I'm wondering exactly what they're going to find on his phone - I highly doubt this is a one off occurrence despite his protestations. He swears there was no request to meet up, but he 'can't remember' if he asked for pics or sent them. He says he doesn't even really remember the chat itself. I'm deeply worried he's downplaying it. For the first time, I'm genuinely thinking and acknowledging that he might be sentenced to prison. Actual communication with minors seems to be treated much more seriously than images. This has now brought a whole new dimension to horror for me - what psychological damage might he have done to actual, live children? I can hardly bear to think about it.
My heart aches for our little boy. He doesn't deserve any of this and it's looks like he's going to lose his dad for a while and we'll both have to live with the stigma of what his dad has done for the rest of our lives. I'm quite certain due to the nature of this case it will hit the press, most likely when he's eventually charged.
He asked recently if we could talk about 'us' and 'possible future together.' I can't even think about that right now. I'm too angry and hurt. I've maintained contact so he can see our son regularly to try not to disrupt his life, but I'm under no illusion he's coming home any time soon. I have made one decision though - I do need to explore counselling for me. There's simply too much going on in my head to cope alone. I've only told 1 work friend who I know will keep it entirely to herself. I will try the helpline I think. I've been avoiding it as I just don't know where to start.
I hope you are all hanging in there xx
It's been a very long month since my first post. I'm not sure I'm much further forward. Husband was supposed to attend the police station for bail purposes but that was postponed for another 2 months. I'm swinging between trying to maintain a level of normality for our son and getting the ice cold dread down my spine when I remember what he's actually done.
I've tried to do some research regarding his likely sentencing and it's looking grim. He made contact with a minor (undercover police) but I now know for a fact that he's been on the chat app for over 5 yrs. I'm wondering exactly what they're going to find on his phone - I highly doubt this is a one off occurrence despite his protestations. He swears there was no request to meet up, but he 'can't remember' if he asked for pics or sent them. He says he doesn't even really remember the chat itself. I'm deeply worried he's downplaying it. For the first time, I'm genuinely thinking and acknowledging that he might be sentenced to prison. Actual communication with minors seems to be treated much more seriously than images. This has now brought a whole new dimension to horror for me - what psychological damage might he have done to actual, live children? I can hardly bear to think about it.
My heart aches for our little boy. He doesn't deserve any of this and it's looks like he's going to lose his dad for a while and we'll both have to live with the stigma of what his dad has done for the rest of our lives. I'm quite certain due to the nature of this case it will hit the press, most likely when he's eventually charged.
He asked recently if we could talk about 'us' and 'possible future together.' I can't even think about that right now. I'm too angry and hurt. I've maintained contact so he can see our son regularly to try not to disrupt his life, but I'm under no illusion he's coming home any time soon. I have made one decision though - I do need to explore counselling for me. There's simply too much going on in my head to cope alone. I've only told 1 work friend who I know will keep it entirely to herself. I will try the helpline I think. I've been avoiding it as I just don't know where to start.
I hope you are all hanging in there xx
Hi Bernie,
I feel like I'm in a very similar situation to you. We are now almost 10 weeks down the line, sexual communication with a 13yr old, actually a police officer. Can i ask wht contact you've had with social services? This has caused me as much stress as everything else. I also have 2 little ones, and was with my partner for almost 12yrs.
I feel like I'm in a very similar situation to you. We are now almost 10 weeks down the line, sexual communication with a 13yr old, actually a police officer. Can i ask wht contact you've had with social services? This has caused me as much stress as everything else. I also have 2 little ones, and was with my partner for almost 12yrs.
Hi Al24
So sorry to hear you're in this situation too. My total contact with child services so far has been a phone call about 2/3 weeks after 'the knock' where they told me why they were calling, asked me how I felt about it and that was about it. They advised they weren't going to come out to see me as they felt there was no need at this stage as long as I understood and was following all bail conditions. (No unsupervised access for my husband with our son and no overnight stays).
The investigating officer, while searching our property for electronic devices, advised me they'd likely 'open and shut' a case based on the circumstances. I don't doubt I'll hear from them again, most likely when he's sentenced. They'll want to carry out a review regarding the status of my relationship with my husband (e.g. that I've split from him or staying with him) and to assess the ongoing risk to my son. I think it's more complex and they have more involvement if we were to stay together. I've told my husband in no uncertain terms I'm putting our son first and if that means we are no longer together, so be it. I really don't think I can get over this - besides my own hurt and disgust, there would always be a niggling feeling that he might do it again. I really couldn't cope with that.
So sorry to hear you're in this situation too. My total contact with child services so far has been a phone call about 2/3 weeks after 'the knock' where they told me why they were calling, asked me how I felt about it and that was about it. They advised they weren't going to come out to see me as they felt there was no need at this stage as long as I understood and was following all bail conditions. (No unsupervised access for my husband with our son and no overnight stays).
The investigating officer, while searching our property for electronic devices, advised me they'd likely 'open and shut' a case based on the circumstances. I don't doubt I'll hear from them again, most likely when he's sentenced. They'll want to carry out a review regarding the status of my relationship with my husband (e.g. that I've split from him or staying with him) and to assess the ongoing risk to my son. I think it's more complex and they have more involvement if we were to stay together. I've told my husband in no uncertain terms I'm putting our son first and if that means we are no longer together, so be it. I really don't think I can get over this - besides my own hurt and disgust, there would always be a niggling feeling that he might do it again. I really couldn't cope with that.