Deluded?
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So it's just over 2 weeks since our whole world fell apart! Husband was arrested for indecent images which he has admitted watching videos which he says led from ordinary porn.
I am completely broken hearted. He is my soulmate we've been together for over 20 years and have 2 kids. He is so so deeply ashamed and sicknened by what he's been doing. He says his mental health was rock bottom he was in such a dark place and didn't know how to speak out. He is an introverted person anyway but when I think back he has been withdrawing from me more and more. Each time I would ask he would say I'm fine or I'm tired. He has been my rock throughout trauma of losing my parents and the knock on effect of the hit to my mental health it took. I thought he was so strong and the best husband and dad for my kids I could wish for.
Over the past 2 weeks we have talked and cried on the phone and in person a couple of times. I feel like he is being completely vulnerable and honest with me for the first time in a long long time. This is making me love him and miss him even more.
My family tell me I will get over him and this is unforgivable. I don't want to get over him. I hate what he's done but I want to be with him...as much as I can with him not being able to be at the house.
Then there's the long wait until the courtcase and the not knowing if it will come out and our world be shattered again.
Am I deluded to think we have a chance at a future together?? X
I am completely broken hearted. He is my soulmate we've been together for over 20 years and have 2 kids. He is so so deeply ashamed and sicknened by what he's been doing. He says his mental health was rock bottom he was in such a dark place and didn't know how to speak out. He is an introverted person anyway but when I think back he has been withdrawing from me more and more. Each time I would ask he would say I'm fine or I'm tired. He has been my rock throughout trauma of losing my parents and the knock on effect of the hit to my mental health it took. I thought he was so strong and the best husband and dad for my kids I could wish for.
Over the past 2 weeks we have talked and cried on the phone and in person a couple of times. I feel like he is being completely vulnerable and honest with me for the first time in a long long time. This is making me love him and miss him even more.
My family tell me I will get over him and this is unforgivable. I don't want to get over him. I hate what he's done but I want to be with him...as much as I can with him not being able to be at the house.
Then there's the long wait until the courtcase and the not knowing if it will come out and our world be shattered again.
Am I deluded to think we have a chance at a future together?? X
The best piece of advice I could give so early on is to take each day as it comes and not make any commitments to big changes in your life.
We're almost a year in - we've been through 2 interviews, waiting for the CPS to make their decisions and the social services process. Aswell as councilling etc
Although my husband's outcome was NFA by the police I wouldn't say out journey has been easy and there's days I still find myself having to drag myself through.
I'm staying with my husband based on the work he's put in to face his demons, his remorse and honesty.
My mental health has taken a beating and I do have days where I struggle to switch off from what he's put us through but those days are getting less and less.
I focus on the good husband and father my husband is and how far we've come over the past 10 months. It's not easy but it's worth it. I don't think leaving would've been any easier it just would've been a different battle.
Do what you want to do and try not to let others influence your decision. It is your life and we only get one so live it your way ????
We're almost a year in - we've been through 2 interviews, waiting for the CPS to make their decisions and the social services process. Aswell as councilling etc
Although my husband's outcome was NFA by the police I wouldn't say out journey has been easy and there's days I still find myself having to drag myself through.
I'm staying with my husband based on the work he's put in to face his demons, his remorse and honesty.
My mental health has taken a beating and I do have days where I struggle to switch off from what he's put us through but those days are getting less and less.
I focus on the good husband and father my husband is and how far we've come over the past 10 months. It's not easy but it's worth it. I don't think leaving would've been any easier it just would've been a different battle.
Do what you want to do and try not to let others influence your decision. It is your life and we only get one so live it your way ????
You are not deluded at all. Everyone has different circumstances but you will see in the forum that some stayed with their partners and others haven't. It's a personal choice. It is tough ofc but legally nothing is stopping you so in a way there is hope. I can relate to Lee that since my partner has been very open and worked hard on rehabilitation he is a different person. I admit I didn't know him at the time of his offending but his friends have told me he is like a new person and more like himself before he went into the horrible rabbit hole. His friends mentioned this as statements to the judge.
And for me personally I cannot forgive him for his actions, but that to me doesn't warrant not getting to know him and make a life together. He has worked hard to move on, and I tell him I'm proud of his hard work. Yes I have supported him but he is the one who sought help and pushed for the course and been proactive. People will have their own opinions on what it means to stay with an offender. But it doesn't matter what they think really. It is never black and white. If anyone questions why I stay I will respond with I don't forgive or forget and I never condone what he did, but he has worked hard to chnage and he has gone through the justice system and I personally believe he deserves to move on. But that is me personally.
Sending hugs
And for me personally I cannot forgive him for his actions, but that to me doesn't warrant not getting to know him and make a life together. He has worked hard to move on, and I tell him I'm proud of his hard work. Yes I have supported him but he is the one who sought help and pushed for the course and been proactive. People will have their own opinions on what it means to stay with an offender. But it doesn't matter what they think really. It is never black and white. If anyone questions why I stay I will respond with I don't forgive or forget and I never condone what he did, but he has worked hard to chnage and he has gone through the justice system and I personally believe he deserves to move on. But that is me personally.
Sending hugs
Rainbowgirl80
You're not deluded, but you are very very shocked and looking back on your relationship searching for answers, and wishing the whole thing would just somehow go away.
It's hard early on, but yes, the advice not to make big decisions is a good one. The other bit of advice I got was to get yourself in a strong place before you make decisions. That's going to take a long time and you'll need help. Lucy Faithfull run a course for family members (probably online now not face to face) and it's the best thing I did. It properly informs you about offending and that knowledge can give you strength regardless of what your ultimate decision might be.
You have to be very strong if you want to continue to have a relationship of any sort with your partner, as many people won't want you to. Only you know him, all of him, not just the part of him who fell into this dark place.
Take your time. You have time. Get equipped with knowledge so that other people who are often less informed can make you do something that you don't really want.
The vast majority of women on here have described how broken their partners are once their behaviour is discovered. For many of them, I think it's the beginning of a recovery and, in my opinion, they should be allowed to recover, not be written off as evil or perverted.
Whatever you decide, look after yourself first. X
You're not deluded, but you are very very shocked and looking back on your relationship searching for answers, and wishing the whole thing would just somehow go away.
It's hard early on, but yes, the advice not to make big decisions is a good one. The other bit of advice I got was to get yourself in a strong place before you make decisions. That's going to take a long time and you'll need help. Lucy Faithfull run a course for family members (probably online now not face to face) and it's the best thing I did. It properly informs you about offending and that knowledge can give you strength regardless of what your ultimate decision might be.
You have to be very strong if you want to continue to have a relationship of any sort with your partner, as many people won't want you to. Only you know him, all of him, not just the part of him who fell into this dark place.
Take your time. You have time. Get equipped with knowledge so that other people who are often less informed can make you do something that you don't really want.
The vast majority of women on here have described how broken their partners are once their behaviour is discovered. For many of them, I think it's the beginning of a recovery and, in my opinion, they should be allowed to recover, not be written off as evil or perverted.
Whatever you decide, look after yourself first. X
Hello girls,
You are all so amazing by the way! Speak so wise and from the heart just like me. I guess that's why we have all ended up on here..trying to understand our partners behaviour and trying to help them. It would be far easier to just hate them and walk away!
I can already relate to so much of what you're saying. I can already see a vulnerability and openness in my husband that I've never saw before or not for a long long time. I do not believe he is a monster I believe he found an addiction / a compulsion to manage his dark mental health and stress levels and it went too far to know how to stop or get any help. He has been my rock for years so I have to try to help him too.
Thanks for the tip about the family training course I will definitely look into it. He himself has been doing the online modules which seem to be really helping him to get to know and understand his emotions.
I know I'm in for a long road ahead and lots of being told how I should feel and what I should do. Right now the only thing that makes sense is so speak to him and see him and try to support eachother through this mess!
Sending lots of love and strength to all of you. Xxx
You are all so amazing by the way! Speak so wise and from the heart just like me. I guess that's why we have all ended up on here..trying to understand our partners behaviour and trying to help them. It would be far easier to just hate them and walk away!
I can already relate to so much of what you're saying. I can already see a vulnerability and openness in my husband that I've never saw before or not for a long long time. I do not believe he is a monster I believe he found an addiction / a compulsion to manage his dark mental health and stress levels and it went too far to know how to stop or get any help. He has been my rock for years so I have to try to help him too.
Thanks for the tip about the family training course I will definitely look into it. He himself has been doing the online modules which seem to be really helping him to get to know and understand his emotions.
I know I'm in for a long road ahead and lots of being told how I should feel and what I should do. Right now the only thing that makes sense is so speak to him and see him and try to support eachother through this mess!
Sending lots of love and strength to all of you. Xxx
Hi Lee1969
Thank you for your kind words.
I am seeing him for the first time in 5 days tomorrow and tonight I almost had a panic attack. I am so anxious about how I will feel. Last Monday we cried and talked and cried and talked and we kissed. I feel like I am so vulnerable around him right now...I don't even know if seeing him is the right thing to do. The longer I don't the more I think about what he has done and feel sicknened even more. The more I speak to him the more or the amazing husband and dad I see and hear and the magnitude of what he has done pains into insignificance slightly. I'm not sure what the hell to do for the best.
As a reminder it was an internet offence and it's only just over 2 weeks since they horrific knock.
I guess there's no right or wrong way to handle this? No idiots guide how to!
Sending love and strength to all you lovely ladies. Xxx
Thank you for your kind words.
I am seeing him for the first time in 5 days tomorrow and tonight I almost had a panic attack. I am so anxious about how I will feel. Last Monday we cried and talked and cried and talked and we kissed. I feel like I am so vulnerable around him right now...I don't even know if seeing him is the right thing to do. The longer I don't the more I think about what he has done and feel sicknened even more. The more I speak to him the more or the amazing husband and dad I see and hear and the magnitude of what he has done pains into insignificance slightly. I'm not sure what the hell to do for the best.
As a reminder it was an internet offence and it's only just over 2 weeks since they horrific knock.
I guess there's no right or wrong way to handle this? No idiots guide how to!
Sending love and strength to all you lovely ladies. Xxx
Rainbowgirl80, I agree with those above. I once read something about how your brain simply cannot handle making long-term decisions right after trauma, you can only focus on short-term decisions or even just day to day. That took a lot of pressure off me in my own mind.
Do you have anyone to confide in, either a therapist or a good friend/relative? My therapist has helped, even though I am really sensitive to being judged about this. And for me it helps just to be able to tell someone in real life, it eases the pressure somehow a little.
If only there was a how-to guide, or someone telling us what to do to guarantee a happy ending!
Do you have anyone to confide in, either a therapist or a good friend/relative? My therapist has helped, even though I am really sensitive to being judged about this. And for me it helps just to be able to tell someone in real life, it eases the pressure somehow a little.
If only there was a how-to guide, or someone telling us what to do to guarantee a happy ending!
Hi Lenore
Thank you and you're so right...I have done some counselling training myself and I have been a mental health support worker for many years. I always tell people this about not making big decisions when going through a trauma....yet I needed reminding myself!
I feel like I'm going insane mulling everything over n over in my head...the whys and the wherefores. Despite trying to take each day at a time.
With my training and experience I never judge people I see the person and the behaviour seperately which makes this all the harder. When I am not with him it builds up in my head about what he's done and what he's done to lives and our family. When I am it pains into insignificance slightly as I see and feel the real him. Its like we've broken up and are together at the same time.
Social services have still not approved the supervised contact so the kids can't see him yet. It's just absolutely heart breaking ????
Thank you girls for your understanding xxxx
Thank you and you're so right...I have done some counselling training myself and I have been a mental health support worker for many years. I always tell people this about not making big decisions when going through a trauma....yet I needed reminding myself!
I feel like I'm going insane mulling everything over n over in my head...the whys and the wherefores. Despite trying to take each day at a time.
With my training and experience I never judge people I see the person and the behaviour seperately which makes this all the harder. When I am not with him it builds up in my head about what he's done and what he's done to lives and our family. When I am it pains into insignificance slightly as I see and feel the real him. Its like we've broken up and are together at the same time.
Social services have still not approved the supervised contact so the kids can't see him yet. It's just absolutely heart breaking ????
Thank you girls for your understanding xxxx