So lonely now.
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It has been over a year since the knock that ruined my life. My husband, now ex, accepted a caution in October and I moved on. Or so I thought. I started to socialise more with friends, took up running and enjoyed seeing friends and family. I focused on work and being the best mum I could be to my 10 year son. Once Christmas was out the way, I thought the biggest hurdle was over and it could be "onwards and upwards"
Then, lockdown happened and I felt so alone. As a teacher, I tried to combine home schooling my own child with setting work remotely for my class and doing the management side of my role. I hated every minute and was so happy when the government announced we could reopen.
So, why now that I am back at work with my little bubble of children, do I feel worse than ever? I think it's because lockdown two years ago would have been different. We'd have enjoyed it as a family. I've come back to work and people are talking about how they spent time as a family. I don't have that now and I miss it so much. I remember holidays and days out when we were "normal". I remember sharing the delight at the silly and funny things our son said as he grew. I remember the excitement of buying our first home together. I have found myself looking at photos and just being overwhelmed with sadness. I still love my husband, but there is no way back. I feel such as sense of conflict with my own job and social services have made it clear he can't ever come home. I am mourning what I will never have. I wanted more children, I wanted to raise our children together. I wanted to grow old with the man I loved.
I really, really thought I would feel better back at work. I don't. I feel just as bad. I don't have a purpose in life any more. I miss my parents so much and can't even see them due to the cirre t situation. I don't feel like I am even present for my son at the moment.
I'm not sure what the point of all this is
Then, lockdown happened and I felt so alone. As a teacher, I tried to combine home schooling my own child with setting work remotely for my class and doing the management side of my role. I hated every minute and was so happy when the government announced we could reopen.
So, why now that I am back at work with my little bubble of children, do I feel worse than ever? I think it's because lockdown two years ago would have been different. We'd have enjoyed it as a family. I've come back to work and people are talking about how they spent time as a family. I don't have that now and I miss it so much. I remember holidays and days out when we were "normal". I remember sharing the delight at the silly and funny things our son said as he grew. I remember the excitement of buying our first home together. I have found myself looking at photos and just being overwhelmed with sadness. I still love my husband, but there is no way back. I feel such as sense of conflict with my own job and social services have made it clear he can't ever come home. I am mourning what I will never have. I wanted more children, I wanted to raise our children together. I wanted to grow old with the man I loved.
I really, really thought I would feel better back at work. I don't. I feel just as bad. I don't have a purpose in life any more. I miss my parents so much and can't even see them due to the cirre t situation. I don't feel like I am even present for my son at the moment.
I'm not sure what the point of all this is
Hi I am so sorry to hear that you're feeling so so rubbish.
I am almost 3 weeks into this mess so a novice compared to you!!
I have been seeing my husband and speaking to him...trying to work through stuff together....both completely broken! We have 2 children and I hold out hope we can be a family again one day.
Other people see it so black and white but it's really not. Our husbands have done a terrible thing but they are still our husbands...they are still the father of our children.
Sorry to ask but are you sure there is no way back for yous? If not maybe over time you can meet someone new? Have those other kids you want. Your life doesn't have to be over because of his actions.
Lockdown is so tough on everyone without this added on top. I have never felt pain like I am feeling right now. It's so tough.
Sending you love and strength. These kids definitely keep us going xxx
I am almost 3 weeks into this mess so a novice compared to you!!
I have been seeing my husband and speaking to him...trying to work through stuff together....both completely broken! We have 2 children and I hold out hope we can be a family again one day.
Other people see it so black and white but it's really not. Our husbands have done a terrible thing but they are still our husbands...they are still the father of our children.
Sorry to ask but are you sure there is no way back for yous? If not maybe over time you can meet someone new? Have those other kids you want. Your life doesn't have to be over because of his actions.
Lockdown is so tough on everyone without this added on top. I have never felt pain like I am feeling right now. It's so tough.
Sending you love and strength. These kids definitely keep us going xxx
Thankyou both for your replies.
I just can't see I can have a future with him, however much I love him. We've been together since he was 18 and I was 21. I'm 40 now. We delayed having a second child for financial reasons, it might never have happened...
I don't think I will ever love anyone else though. I can't face any more social services involvement.
TIt isn't black or white. No one is defined by a single one of their actions.
I think when lockdown is over and I can do normal things again I might feel better
.
I just can't see I can have a future with him, however much I love him. We've been together since he was 18 and I was 21. I'm 40 now. We delayed having a second child for financial reasons, it might never have happened...
I don't think I will ever love anyone else though. I can't face any more social services involvement.
TIt isn't black or white. No one is defined by a single one of their actions.
I think when lockdown is over and I can do normal things again I might feel better
.
And, what you've both shown in your replies, is the roller coaster of emotions. You will get through the pain and smile again x
Hello merp , well my experience so far nearly 3 weeks (thurs) from the knock. As you can imagine like you my whole world was blown to bits infront of me. I was left in a terrible way when they left my house thinking it's a mistake its literally like the worst personal horror movie ever. Myself and partner childhood sweethearts we were together 11 years . Split for 13 and back together again for the last 11. I'm grieving like nothing else before it new ans very raw. He viewed downloaded and was in a chat forum . Hes guilty and admitted it. Also serious fraud. Guilty and full admission to that to. Hes now in prison awaiting sentence for the fraud. The other still being dealt with. I'm not standing by him but I can't totally turn my back on him if you can try and understand that. I love this man dearly. Its heartbreaking because I thought of our plans when we grew older. Being together more. It's now all gone. I can't see any hope for a recogsiliation because I don't want to loose my family. I'm seeing and hearing him everywhere. In our home car and certain things trigger my feelings of loss. I know exactly how it is. It's such a difficult situation for many of us. I'm thankful there are others who understand and reading posts on here I find very comforting
Yes, I do find it comforting that others are feeling the same. I can never turn my back on my husband completely. We have so many shared memories and experiences. But it is so lonely. I am so jealous of my friends with normal families. I don't want to wake up in the mornings. I can remember being happy, but I don't feel like I ever will again
I love for bedtime because sleep is the only time the pain stops.
I love for bedtime because sleep is the only time the pain stops.