Family and Friends Forum

Hi devastated,

sorry to hear this, it will be a terrible shock to both of you. I think we've talked before and your sons and my partners crimes sounded the same. Chatting online to a police decoy, and arranging to meet.

my partner was sentenced in April to 4 years (2 in prison, 2 out on license) is this what your son has got?
your sons solicitor should be able to tell you where he is, and what privileges he is allowed. also I think he will be allowed at least one phone call. My partner was kept on remand after his arrest so he was already in prison when sentenced.
He needs to stay strong it will be a shock to the system at first, and will take a while to adjust to things.

Take care x

Please let me know what they did. I am so worried about my husband sentence. His court date is in August

Hi Devastated, my son was sentenced to prison last October, he was in court in the morning and taken straight away. His solicitor asked where he was going before he left and let us know before we left court. The prison phoned me in the afternoon to ask if it was ok for him to phone me on my number. Did your son have phone numbers with him? The prison phone each number first to confirm it was ok for him to use those numbers. She told me briefly that he was ok and my son phoned me 2 days later. They are given special care when they first arrive and have a "mentor " who tells them the ins and outs of things. They have an induction and then they can phone. This was our experience anyway but prisons differ. He was in a privately run prison for 3 months then transferred to a government run prison and they are run very differently. Those first few days/weeks are awful for you and I cried so much but you'll feel a bit better once you've spoken to him. Big hugs xxx

Sorry, I would phone his solicitor in morning and keep on at them until they find out where he is xxx

Yes they’ve been given the same sentence. It’s seems a mixed bag with sentencing for this crime, some cases I’ve seen in media that are nearly identical and they have got away with a suspended sentence!!

Yes keep on at his solicitor it’s not very good if they took him and didn’t know where to.

Is there a local prison in the area? I already knew where my partner was, due to the police and him being kept on remand.

Like vanvan said the prison will phone u to see if it’s ok for him to ring. When you find out what prison he’s at write to him, giving him any numbers or addresses he might want in case he can’t remember them (write his name and date of birth on envelope if u don’t know his prison identity number) it can be a slow process though because any mail going in or out of prison is read same with phone calls they are monitored. You can send him money so he can use it for calls or to buy things via secure payment services website, postal order or now via gov.uk website i think. Also you have so long to take them clothes in something like 30 days, but I’m not sure at the moment with the lockdown.

Hope this helps in this nightmare of a situation, it will take time for u both to adjust. Take care xx

Sorry to hear this, brings back bad memories for me. There's usually a default prison for a court. You could try his solicitor, or asking the court if they know. Then try to phone the prison. You'll need his prisoner number for many things. If the prison won't give you that, then ask his solicitor. I got a lot of data protection excuses, but phoned the prison a few different times and got someone reasonable.

I found this helpful:

https://www.prisonersfamilies.org/

Once you find out where he is, you could send him your phone number and any other he needs. You should put the prisoner number on any letter. And I would recommend sending stamped addressed envelopes and paper, in case he needs to write to you. He did write them down after he was sentenced from his phone with his solicitor, but then they confiscated his notepad. I don't know if that is normal. I think there are a lot of differences between prisons. Ask if he has got enough clothes, you only have a limited time to bring anything there - and you might only be allowed to do it the once. So best to confirm with him and the prison. They took a month to approve my number, which made preparing for an appeal more difficult than it should be. But I think he was in a particularly incompetant prison. If he hasn't already given pssword, access to accounts - you may want to discuss this with him.

I also these useful:

https://www.emailaprisoner.com/

https://www.gov.uk/send-prisoner-money

I'm sorry you are going through this, no-one expects it. I felt like I was in a kafkaesque nighmare for a while, and it was a complete eyeopener. It does get easier in time though

Hi, Zack has given the email a prisoner info which is great. I use this so much, it's a much quicker way to communicate with your son than by post x I sent my son a birthday card which he received a week after I sent it but the email normally gets to them within a day and they can reply. Again this depends on the prison , privately run prison was so very much quicker than the government one that he's in now x with the private one, everything was done by computer and the prisoners have access to them too (limits) but where he is now it's pen and paper , which takes so much longer xx

It's awful treatment isn't that what you are paying the solicitor for!!

i remember now I had to write to my partner in prison to give him mine and his dads phone numbers so he could ring us, because he didn't know them, the solicitor was wanting to know where she'd get her money from, all his numbers were in his phone what the police seized.
But how are you supposed to do that if you don't even know where they took him?!!
Is there a officer in charge of his case? If you knew their number they should be able to tell you. Nobody tells you anything about what to do if they go to prison or are on remand, I found out from people on here or the internet.

hope everything goes ok, and you find out quickly, this is all bad enough without all this worry xx

Oh devestated, I can't believe that you still haven't heard anything. It's awful the way you haven't been given any information. I don't know what made me think about it but luckily I put his important numbers on a piece of paper and put it in his prison bag. Going through this is bad enough without not even knowing where he is. I think unless they've been inducted they are not properly on the prison "system " but even so the solicitor should be telling you where he is and then you could at least phone the prison to make enquiries. Keep on at the solicitor, phone and phone again until you get answers. I hope you here from him soon x you'll feel more at ease then x big hugs x if you want to talk on mumsnet I am VanVan63. Big hugs

You could try phoning the court where he was sentenced and ask what prison they usually send prisoners too. Then phone the prison and ask if he is there and for his prisoner number. That may be quicker than waiting for his solicitor. I remember being on hold a lot when I tried phoning. When I tried to find out his prisoner number the first person refused for data protection reasons, but I phoned again and got a different person who was more helpful.

Devastated, I felt sick reading your posts, I'm nearly 3 months in, and this is my worst case scenario. My son being sent to prison, so I have read with interest the help you have been given on here. How awful that you weren't told where he was, my heart went out to your I can imagine all those frantic calls you make, I was bad enough when they took my son on the day they arrested him, and kept him all day, so I can't imagine what you went through. The phone call must have been such a huge relief for you. I too am a mum and on mumsnet when you are ready I'm Luxylux on there, and happy to talk day or night sending you a massive hug lovely xx

'Devastated' - I'm so pleased to hear that you finally got through to speak to your son. Isn't it just desperate that you, who have committed no crime, should have been put through that trauma? I'm appalled (and I'm stuck in limbo for probably what will be another year or so waiting to find out how exactly my husband will be punished for viewing iioc so I'm right behind you).

There are some helpful articles on 'Stop-so' website - including one written by an offender about his first 48 hours in prison that you might find useful (and reassuring) to read.

https://stopso.org.uk/first-48-hours-in-custody/

Hi devastated, so so happy for you that you've finally managed to speak to your son . I'm on mumsnet with same username if you want to talk day or night xx take care xx

Hi Devastated, I'm a mum on mumsnet usee name Neive when your ready. My son was entraped by police on adult website. just waiting on another court date.Ddreading a prison sentence which his solicitor says could get.

Devastated glad you got there and finally got that phone call it will be a relief to both you and your son.
hope everything goes ok for him inside it will be very hard as my partner has found out, he will have to stay strong, I hope they reopen the prisons soon so you can get to see him. Take care xx

I've noticed there seems to be a rise lately in men getting caught/entrapped by police on adult websites and social media!!
I'm flossy21 on mumsnet if anyone wants to talk anytime, even though I'm not a mum! I find this sort of crime and the feelings that come with it so lonely and isolating, unless it's happened to you I doubt anyone would begin to understand how it makes you feel.

Dear Devastated

ahh I am so sorry to read this, I can't believe that is how people are treated, the offender and their family!
It is disgusting you don't know where he is, I never imagined that this would be the case once a person is sentenced! It is outrageous treatment!



I hope you don't mind me mentioning that 4 year seems a very steep sentence for just communication. Do you mind telling me what area you live in please? You don't have to be specific. We are in Essex and have been waiting 2 years now, my partner was released under investigation.



am so sorry and I hope you get an answer to where your son is very soon.

Mabel x x

Hi again Devastated

ahh thank you for your reply.

I am still reeling from your son's harsh sentance. My partner has done exactly the same but he was trapped by vigilantes not the police.



we have been waiting 2 years, he is Rui with no conditions on him.
we live in Essex and I think it is one of the worse in the uk for timescales.

Can I ask how long your son's investigation was? Even tho there was no actual person it seems so very harsh! Did his solicitor predict this sentence?



i am so sorry for the questions and understand if you'd rather not discuss it anymore.

thanks again

Mabel x x x

Hi devastated, glad you are finding some sort of relief in all this. After my partner/ ex partner (not sure what he is yet!) was sentenced, and the press had had their field day, When it had all died down I felt I wasn't in limbo anymore waiting to find out what sentence he would get and my biggest fear would it come out in the press. Now it's sort of old news. I've still got to try to carry on though. Hope you don't mind me asking but did your son ever say if the police decoy sent a photo of the minor they were supposed to be? My partner said he wasn't sure if they had or not with him, but who's photo do they use! when they are pretending to be someone else too. This is what niggles away at me now. Grown ups pretending to be minors on social media apps where u are supposed to be over 17/18 to join, might be me trying to think of excuses for him.

Hi, it think it was about 5 days after sentence that it appeared in the local newspaper and on their online page. His plea had already been reported when he'd appeared in court too. Then exactly a week after his sentence was published they added a mug shot to the story too, just to rub salt in the wound. The press think nothing of the poor families who have got to suffer with the aftermath. I do hope you have got away with it, this was the worst part for me, I hated the fact that everyone who knew him as he was well liked would see it.

But if it does come out just think it will become old news. You need to start thinking about you, I know easier said than done.

my partner has his police report he said I can read it prob have to be when he gets out, I think I want to for my own piece of mind, to see what was actually said to entice him. Got to be a young looking copper they use for these pictures surely can't be an actual minor!

xx

the bit where you said the so called girl (police decoy) rang your son up begging him not to let her down like her dad!! that's sounds like emotional blackmail as well as entrapment, how are they allowed to get away with that??
xx

Very true devastated, I'd love to know what they do/say to entice men into these conversations and in a way I think it's wrong they're pretending to be someone they're not too, but the long and short of it they shouldn't put themselves in that situation in the first place. I've said to him and myself thousands of times WHY did he fall for that. I could sort of understand the fantasy of chatting online to someone u don't know but actually going to meet them, but that's the detectives goal getting them to go and meet them by saying things like they did to your son.

Take care xx