Family and Friends Forum

You go for it , we all need to vent and i get the ups and downs. I look at my hb and wounder if he has really able to beat this. He is also doing all he can wish we had more money as would love for him todo a LFF course but he is doing all he can. Hugs xx

Hi OSC. Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. I am 3 weeks into this mess and I am an emotional rollercoaster! Hubby is at his mum's I am here with the kids he cannot yet see. There are days i went to see n speak to him n days I hate him for what he has done.

Like you he is my soulmate and we have been together since we were 19 and 21...20 years!! I can't stop loving him or wanting him for a minute. No idea what will happen in the long term.

Your partner should be so so grateful that you're standing by him and should be checking how you're doing. Yet if he's like mine he is totally broken. Do your friends or family know? I could not beke getting through this without my family to offload to! It's too much to bare.

Take care of you xxx

Ah OSC I think we all understand how you feel, our feelings whether the partner or mum or sister, seem to pushed aside. I think men (well most I have met) tend to be quite selfish and that the world revolves around them, not all men I know, but women nurture, men don't. So you are right to be angry that he doesn't ask how are you, how the counselling went. I think it it extremely stressful for us, because we feel in some way it tars us with the same brush if you know what I mean. The fact we live these men that could do that, has huge implications for the rest of the loved ones. I am beginning to believe my daughter when she says my son is only sorry he got caught, don't get me wrong, he is glad that it is finally out there and is 100 per cent trying to stop the addicnm it has ruined his relationship, work etc and it's not even out there yet, but deep down, I think he is upset that it has come to this, he is quite distant when I'm crying, or my daughter asks him something, and even though I'm in disbelief that my son! Could do this, I think there is some truth sadly in what she says. I think we need to look after ourselves and take a back seat , it's harder when it's your son as your tendency is again to nurture and protect them but as a partner, he needs to respect the hurt this has caused you too. Whether you stay or not is up to you and no one on here would judge you either way, it's your life to live. Sending love xx

Hi again OSC,

Wow this really is just too much for you to bare all in your own!! I am barely holding it together with my family for support. I was trying to support him to understand himself and work through his stagnated emotions but I have had to stop. It was taking its toll on me and I couldn't look after myself. I miss him so so much but he's living with his parents right now. The kids are keeping me going to be honedt.

I really do think that you need to try to find someone to trust enough to tell. This isn't your dirty dark little secret it's his. The more you bare the more you will end up resenting him in the long run. You have / we all have on here; had such a massive shock and are going through a major trauma. We need all the help and support we can. Of course the downside of telling family is that they do judge. They are 100% supportive of me but are so shocked, upset and angry at him by what he's done and is putting me and the kids through. He's been the perfect dad and husband until now so it's so hard.

Do you have a friend or relative that you can trust? Yes they will no doubt judge but someone who won't go blabbing it around?! You really do need all the support you can right now.

Take care and please put your own needs ahead of his xxx

Hi OSC and all.

It's my son that's the offender, but reading your post I'd like to offer my opinion, it may be wrong and I dont want to offend anyone but in my experience men are cavemen, in the sense of communicating I mean, they like simple questions, and give simple answers, if they ask a question "how did it go or are you alright?" And we say "fine or yes" they assume we mean were ok and all is well.

This happens a lot with my hubby and me (Son the offender) and spend weeks saying I'm fine, all good etc, then to be fair I have a glass or 2 of wine and he says are u ok and the floodgates literally open.

I sob and shout then it all calms down for a while until I cant contain it any longer.

Am I going crazy or is this how we all are when we're well down the road, been to court, been convicted, trying to rebuild but for me there's still all the what it's about the future, and life in general.

How will me move on when it's all over, SOR etc, can we move on and will it ever really be "all over"?

Gone a little off topic, sorry.

I just think sometimes when they say are you ok, take off the brave face and no matter how hard, and upsetting, maybe say "you know what NO' this is how I feel and its crap...

Hugs to all. I know we all need them at the moment.

Sorry for any typos I only see a few words when typing on my phone.

Xx

Sorry, some amendments.

Am I going crazy or is this how we all are when we're well down the road, been to court, been convicted, trying to rebuild but for me there's still all the what IF's about the future, and life in general.


How will we move on when it's all over, SOR etc, can we move on and will it ever really be "All Over"?

OSC and everyone!

I recognise every emotion you've mentioned....... ODC I didn't tell anyone except professionals, right or wrong it's what I did. Because the investigation was so ridiculously long it meant we had well over 2 years carrying our 'secret'. When we had to tell our adult children (he was found guilty at magistrates and had to sign SOR) the s**t totally hit the fan. Only one of our children is even vaguely supportive at the moment. Honestly if I could have managed it I would have taken it to my grave.

I have and want to have people in my life (some of whom are family) who have no idea and treat us both normally. I hope it stays like that.

We all do what we can, and what we think us best. I've found if you tell people they think they have to 'punish' the offender regardless of what the justice system has already done. Early on I also wanted him to suffer but I've moved a bit from that. Now I want him to be properly rehabilitated and move on.

Sorry much longer than I intended! Needed to vent too!

Hi Lizzy, you're not going crazy! My son was first arrested in 2015 so I'm 5 years into this nightmare. He was charged and sentenced, SOR for 5 years, SHPO and horizon course. There wasn't a day that I didn't think about what he'd done and the impact it had on our family, basically disowned by everyone apart from me and my husband and his siblings had a uneasy truce with him. Years passed and I started to believe he could maybe get his life together once he was off the SOR, he'd tried so hard to get another job but got to the point of disclosure and it would fall through x even then, there were times I would cry , usually when we'd be at a family event to which my other 2 children were invited and he wasn't or when I had to leave his name off a family card , it was like he was dead x and then in February last year came "the knock" he wasn't living with us at first arrest but had moved back in with us a while afterwards. Yes he had re-offended! Not Iioc this time but one comment on a legal streaming service, arrested, devices taken and checked and nothing else found in the nearly 4 years since first arrest , just one comment in 2017! I honestly couldn't believe it! My life fell apart yet again! I really don't know how I'm still here, I've come so close to not being here. Back to court, another 2 rounds of media, this time with a photo of him and sentenced to 18 months in prison. To serve 9 months in prison and 9 on license. He has 7 weeks left to serve. The only time I saw him cry was when we had to go and see the arresting officer after first arrest and she asked me how I was and I started crying and then he cried. It didn't stop him from putting me through it again though did it? He lost his job, his house, his gf and most importantly his 7 month old daughter x I really don't know what's going on in his head and I don't think he does either. Only found out about LF last year and this forum has kept me sane although I didn't post for months! We are going to pay to get him counselling when he's out. His story is a familiar one, porn addiction since he was young so hopefully counselling will get to the bottom of it all. So I don't think it's ever "all over" I think you just learn to live a different normal. This unconditional love thing is bloody hard. It would be so much easier if I could not care about him! Sending love and support to all on here xx

Lizzy 2.0 a few of us mums chat on mumsnet if you want to be able to have a more private chat. I'm Luxylux on there. X

I'm VanVan63 on mumsnet if any mums want to chat xx

I'm Neive on mumsnet with a son offender if you need to chat already talk to 2 other mums and I has made such a differance to my life.

Hi vanvan 63

im also a mother and would value your expertise and advice on mumsnet. I'm not good at figuring out how to send an email to someone without them sending me an email first on there. I was wondering if you could drop me a line on mumsnet. My name on there is nicenana x

Hi nicenana, I have sent a message on mumsnet xx

Hi VanVan63.

I think I've sent you a message on mumsnet.

????‍??

I typed a very long post for Lizzy to share the story of my husband (the offender) and the life on SOR to give some positive hopes but sadly i lost it when i clicked on post reply. I might took so long to type it so it kicked me out. I will try again tomorrow.

Hi Lizzy

I lost my long post yesterday so trying to keep my post short this time.

I am a wife of offender. His offense was almost 14 years ago now. He got a custodial sentence and on SOR for life. I am married to him from last 7 years now. He is having a stable jobs from years now. I have a well paid job and he even earn more than me. We have our own house, cars and a lovely 10 months old son. Mu husband is low risk of police assessment and a psychological assessment. We are currently is process with SS and waiting for their final outcome. So yes it is possible to have a life while on SOR. It is not a normal life but a new normal. There were few jobs where my husband went through all interview process , got selected only to get rejected in the end due to DBS check even when the job didn't have anything to do with kids but he never lose hopes and i always supported him in this. We can't go to countries like America, Australia but that doesn't matter as they are alot more places we can go to.

About the emotions my MIL almost had a nervous breakdown when it all happened. Once she was digging a hole in her garden for 2 hours while it was snowing and she only find out it was snowing when her husband pointed it out. She quit her job and involved herself in gardening as a healing process. She is a brave person and i love her for that. She had a very tough years and i hate my husband to put her through the hell. He was a selfish person back then and now he does everything to make his mom happy. Life is not same for her as it was before the knock. As she will never forget what has happened but she is happy in her new normal. My SIL didn't talk to my husband for years but now we have good bond with her and life is coming back to normal.

Y